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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL coming between me and DH again

50 replies

PerfectlyGoodAtBeingBad · 19/11/2018 21:38

Long story short my MIL contributed heavily to me having prenatal depression and anxiety 9 years ago when I was having my DD. Me and DH (then bf) lived with her. She wouldn't let me sign on or claim any benefits but had next to no money herself. I ended up sobbing one night as she wouldn't let me have 14p to buy paracetamol for a really bad pregnancy migraine. I ended up leaving when my father found out how bad things had got. (DH was at college miles away and she always saved it up for when he was gone). MIL then took over multiple times once DD was born and would invite herself over to sleep at our flat to "help out". When I'd question this I'd be told it was my PND and I needed help.
Years later I started putting an end to the weekly sleepovers and visits and DH started to see things from my perspective. I felt stronger and could say no.
My GIL became very ill and needed a full time carer so we seen much less of MIL (although still had weekly visits).
Problem is now DH grandad has died and MIL is desperate to start staying over at our flat again. I have a DS now who she doesn't like because "she's had 3 boys and is done with them" and the more she's around the more anxious and upset I become.
I do not want this woman to stay here because I know once this starts she will never leave.
What would you do in this situation? Sad

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 19/11/2018 21:40

Tell her it’s not happening.
You need your space and appreciate her more form a distance.

TulipsInbloom1 · 19/11/2018 21:40

Id ask DH why he wasnt standing up to his mother and why all those years back he wasnt able to ensure you had money to buy a packet of paracetamol.

7yo7yo · 19/11/2018 21:40

Better yet get your partner to tell her.

BlueUggs · 19/11/2018 21:40

Say no. Repeat 50,000. Then say no again.

greendale17 · 19/11/2018 21:42

She wouldn't let me sign on or claim any benefits but had next to no money herself. I ended up sobbing one night as she wouldn't let me have 14p to buy paracetamol for a really bad pregnancy migraine.

^Why did you let her control you?

Haffiana · 19/11/2018 21:44

Why does she have so much power over you? What is actually happening - are you unable to say no or is it something else?

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 19/11/2018 21:47

You simply tell dh its her or you but your home isn't for all 3 of you....
And mean it.

Pumpkintopf · 19/11/2018 21:47

Say no, and ensure dp backs you up.

CrazyOldBagLady · 19/11/2018 21:52

You need to learn to say no to this woman. Just tell her you don’t enjoy having overnight guests, you don’t need any help and her weekly visits are more than enough. This is your home and these are your children, you are in charge, not her.

Original poster
PerfectlyGoodAtBeingBad · 19/11/2018 22:04

I was a very immature 18 year old. Pregnant by a new bf. He was at college trying to get some qualifications (which he did and uses now). My own parents separated when I was young. Dad would help me out when he could but my mum wouldn't speak to me because I had wasted my life through the pregnancy.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 19/11/2018 22:51

Your DH needs to grow a pair, and if he can't then you say NO because it's not just His home lovely it's yours too Flowers

CarolDanvers · 19/11/2018 22:53

@greendale17 why does anyone let anyone control them? Maybe you should find out some info about controlling, abusive relationships?

Oceanbliss · 19/11/2018 23:05

Op, it seems like you are in a very vulnerable situation. Do you have people who will stand by you and support you. I understand that if you feel outnumbered by your dh and his family that it will be harder to stand up to your mil. However, I feel that you must find a way. You cannot let this person invade your personal space, intrude on your marriage and stomp all over your boundaries. I hope you get lots of supportive responses on mn to give you strength. Flowers

Original poster
PerfectlyGoodAtBeingBad · 19/11/2018 23:22

Thank you for the responses. I have told DH if she ends up staying both of them can live together. Away from me and my kids. Sad I don't think he is taking what I'm saying seriously. Said his mum has just lost her dad and I need to give her some time (basically can't say no)

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 19/11/2018 23:34

Remind your H that his mother caused you to have PND and how nasty she was to you, years ago.

Tell him that under no circumstances is she coming over to stay the night and that is the end of the conversation.

For the sake of your health and your dc, you have to put your big girl pants on and stick up for yourself! We’re all here cheering you on.

Singlenotsingle · 19/11/2018 23:38

Let me come and sort it out for you! I'll just tell her NO, it's not happening! (rolls sleeves up and reaches for the rolling pin).

Letsmove1t · 19/11/2018 23:46

OP make a stand, you are not asking for DHs permission or agreement to turn her down. Tell him it's NO not that he and her can be there together and you'll flounce with the DCs, he knows you don't mean that, where are you going to go when she turns up? More like DH moves out into MILs house if he wants to spend more rime with her. You are approaching this the wrong way, you said NO and he needs to listen. Practise in front of a mirror - I said NO, keep doing that until you can say it and mean it

Josiebloggs · 20/11/2018 00:03

You need to tell DH it is absolutely non negotiable and she will not be staying with you or visiting for prolonged periods of time. If he chooses to spend time with her he can do so at her home but if this starts to negatively impact on your family you may have to rethink your relationship.
Be prepared for her to do anything and everything to make you look terrible and her a poor sad victim though.
Make a list of times she has bullied, controlled and undermined you and every time DH tries to make her the victim remind him of one and re-iterate it is non negotiable.

PrincessWire · 20/11/2018 00:34

DH needs to say no because he needs to stick up for his own DS, let alone his DW. Has your MIL actually voiced a dislike for DS in so many words?

Villagelifer · 20/11/2018 04:38

Your home should be your safe place. As PP have said tell your DH she can't stay, it's not an option. He can support his mother as much as he wants in her own home, not going against your wishes and upsetting you in the process.

Original poster
PerfectlyGoodAtBeingBad · 20/11/2018 09:26

MIL has openly admitted she favours our DD and often says she doesn't like boys. She used to give my DD £20 and say things like I have none for your brother. My DH used to make excuses until DD started questioning why she was giving her money and not her little brother. I put a stop to the pocket money thing (but before I did my DD was kind enough to say things like "well if DS doesn't get any I don't want this"). She used to forget about him when he was a baby and DH made excuses like "oh well he's a new baby and she doesn't see him much because you won't let her"

OP posts:
Linziepie · 20/11/2018 09:35

Do you have somewhere to stay with the kids if he overrides you?

Original poster
PerfectlyGoodAtBeingBad · 20/11/2018 09:55

I could stay at my DM house but that's a different type of bad. Plus MIL wouldn't leave if we left.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 20/11/2018 10:07

@CarolDanvers

So then it fair to say that her DH is also under the control of the MIL too. So it won’t be easy for him to “grow a pair” either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/11/2018 10:12

You need to state and keep on reaffirming your boundaries here. No means no. You are also doing this for your children because your MIL has shown favouritism towards your DD at your son's overall expense.

His mother cannot stay with you people under any circumstances. This is non negotiable given her past behaviours towards you and your own family unit.

Your DHs problem here is he being mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother. As a result he cannot and will not say no to her; he is far more afraid of her than he ever is of you. He has had a lifetime of such conditioning at her hands and probably regards her behaviours as normal.