MIL coming between me and DH again

[PerfectlyGoodAtBeingBad]

Long story short my MIL contributed heavily to me having prenatal depression and anxiety 9 years ago when I was having my DD. Me and DH (then bf) lived with her. She wouldn't let me sign on or claim any benefits but had next to no money herself. I ended up sobbing one night as she wouldn't let me have 14p to buy paracetamol for a really bad pregnancy migraine. I ended up leaving when my father found out how bad things had got. (DH was at college miles away and she always saved it up for when he was gone). MIL then took over multiple times once DD was born and would invite herself over to sleep at our flat to "help out". When I'd question this I'd be told it was my PND and I needed help.
Years later I started putting an end to the weekly sleepovers and visits and DH started to see things from my perspective. I felt stronger and could say no.
My GIL became very ill and needed a full time carer so we seen much less of MIL (although still had weekly visits).
Problem is now DH grandad has died and MIL is desperate to start staying over at our flat again. I have a DS now who she doesn't like because "she's had 3 boys and is done with them" and the more she's around the more anxious and upset I become.
I do not want this woman to stay here because I know once this starts she will never leave.
What would you do in this situation?

DH is the only family she has in this part of the country. Her other son's abd grandchildre have nothing to do with her so my DH feels guilty she's now on her own.

I would also think there is good reason why her other son and his family do not bother with his mother.

None of this is any good reason for her to be imposing herself on staying with you people for any length of time. Your DHs inertia as well as FOG when it comes to his mother neither helps you or his own self for that matter.

Send DH home to stay with her in her house then.

no way would I have somone come into my son's home and openly state she dislikes boys and 'is done with them' and blatantly favour a female child over a male one.

She's on her own for a reason.

I can't believe that your DH allows his Ds to be treated like that. Is he not capable of standing up for anyone he loves?

Don't be guilt tripped into letting her stay. Your DH needs to say a firm No.

He can go and stay with her once a week if he wants. Protect yourself and your dc.

You say to DH, I know you feel sad and guilty that Mum is now on her own, but that's the way of it, she's going to have to learn to live on her own, and the sooner she starts the better. She needs to start building her own life without DH or her mother, and she needs the boot in the backside of living on her own to get out there, make friends, join clubs etc.

Your Mum has made life a lot harder, and very uncomfortable for me in the past, particularly when we were living under the same roof, and I'm not putting myself in the position where that could happen again. She openly favours the DD's, and is unkind towards DS, and you owe it to your son not to invite that kind of disparity and hostility into his home, the place where he should feel safe and loved.

So no, she's not staying here. She's not living here. We will of course, spend appropriate amounts of time with her, and occasions, but not to my detriment, and not to your children's detriment.

If you feel your Mum needs a sleepover, YOU can have a sleepover at your Mums, and if the DD's are okay with it, they can go with you. But it ain't going to be here, it ain't going to be me, and it ain't going to be DS doing the sleepovers.

Your mother made her bed. Now she can damned well lie in it. HER bed. Under HER roof.

I'm not surprised her other family have nothing to do with her, it sounds like you'll have to do likewise.
You need to tell your dh it isn't happening and if he over rules you then you'll be going. Sometimes they just need it spelling out to them.

"Said his mum has just lost her dad and I need to give her some time "

"She can have as much time as she needs, but she won't be having it here."

Ask him to think about why his siblings have nothing to do with her, and keep asking until he does.

If he won't admit to you how badly behaved she is and back you up, then I suggest he goes to live with her himself.

This is a big fat no. Not happening. Not in this life.

As pp say...he can have sleepovers with her.... in her house.

Tell him he can keep her company at her house!

Get the Anne Dickson book A Woman In Your Own Right. Good examples of how to be assertive. You'll need it. You will have to go nuclear with your partner, given hrs history of being spineless and complicit in his mother's bullying, and say no, she can't come and if you say any different, we're over. You let me down before and I won't stay with you if that happens this time.

Just say NO.
Smile and carry on with your life.
What a wonderful little girl you have. So strong.
You can be just like that.

Embrace your inner woman.

This is your DHs problem. Say a categorical no and leave him to deal with it.

I haven't read it, but the book Toxic Parents is often recommended on here. Perhaps you should get him to read it, and you read the Toxic Inlaws book, to help you handle these situations.

But you're going to have to make it clear to him that this is non-negotiable. She's alone because she's made it that way, by being toxic. If he won't support you, you'll need to end the marriage, because it's not fair on your children.

Stand firm - do not let her stay

Please if you can't say no for yourself, say it for your DC.

Ask your DH to spend one night a week at hers. She gets the company but you don’t get the hassle.

Yes, assertiveness. She cannot “end up” staying with you if you refuse.

If your H wants to support her he can visit her. His siblings’ choices do not require him to compensate.

It seems that your H doesn’t “see” it: this is a big problem, that has already negatively affected you and your DC (exposing them to unfair treatment). If he is open to reflecting on it, counselling might be useful. Or there are good reading recommendations on the “Stately Homes” threads in relationships.

If he won’t “get it” and support your boundaries, your marriage is at risk, which is down to him, not MIL.

Do you WoH? If not, suggest doing so as financial dependence in this situation seems a bad idea.

We went over to FIL house where she was staying to drop her Xmas hamper food off and the house is in shit state. Now DH is really angry as this will be the second home she's destroyed. (Both properties are in her name and both are full of rubbish). I politely reminded DH she has two homes. We have a small flat. We won't be accommodating her.

Good. How did he respond?

Can he see what she is doing yet or is he still in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)?

If she stays with you not only will he lose his family but she'll trash his flat. Is that the life he wants?

He has told his mum he is dissapointed in how she's behaving. She invited his brothers to stay at our flat for the funeral without asking us because she is embarrassed about the state of the house. His brothers know we don't have the space so insisted on staying at grandads house. Now she's playing up and turning the waterworks on.
DH has told her he's at work Christmas and that I'm going to my family so she needs to make alternative plans.
I feel like he's seeing more shitty behaviour and coming around to how I'm feeling. He could just be cross but this feels like he's running out of patience.

Good work OP. Sorry you're all going through this but it sounds like DH is seeing through her antics band standing up for himself and his family.

Well done OP
calm and straight to the point.
My dh was 50 plus before he stood up to his DM
He loved her but will no longer tolerate her 'rubbish behaviour 'his sister same.

Good, the scales are falling from his eyes. Help them along and get the Toxic Parents book for him, but read it yourself first in his presence, and make the odd "OMG!" and "hmm, very interesting" sort of noises. He will ask what you're reading and just carelessly show him the cover and go back to it like it's no big deal. If you include one or two "oh that's quite funny" noises here and there you'll have him salivating to read it after you.

OP ..STOP! Breathe and can I just remind you that you are a mother too...just the same as she is and as such you get to decide as a grown independent woman who does what and when in your life both regarding you and your family and your home..she has no say what so ever and no right to demand anything of you....just something to think about,,Don;t get upset get mad and kick her arse right back out of the door,Whats the worst that could happen? Her getting upset tough!! Big girl pants on and time to protect your own mental health and that of your family,,her opinions are neither here nor there and do not matter,,You have permission to stop rolling over and being dictated to.Time to be the woman you are,,go on sort her out!