The best years to be married/have kids seem to have passed me by and I’ve given up. Anyone else feel like this?

[User358584]

I’m 34 and my life is not as I planned. I wanted to be married and have a family since about 25/26. Cue 3 failed relationships since then and a couple of non starters and I wind up on my own with less friends around me than each year before because they have all moved on with their lives! I still see and talk with them but it’s not the same when one of you is in a totally different place (yes you can make the effort and I do but it’s not the same as having shared experiences).

What’s made me sad is that in the last few months I have given up. I still date and I’m dating someone now since October. But in my heart I have given up. I don’t have faith in anything working out, I feel left behind and I can really tell these days that I am getting older.

Don’t know why I am posting really. I just want the magic and fun and hope of my twenties to return and for everything to work out. I just feel the best years for having a family have passed me by.

Haha. It is nice to hear these stories and not to give up hope. Thank you. Some days I feel ok, others just totally despondent about it all.

Bumping for interest and support.

Ddon't give up! I was terminally single for years - lots and lots of dates and interest from men but never anyone 'right'. I just turned 38 in November.

I met my husband online on a niche dating app for our cultural identity/religion, in May 2016 (age 35), got engaged July 2017, married Dec 2017 and we are coming up on our 1 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. We will be TTC in January 2019.

It's not popular on MN but I swear by The Rules Book(s) by Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider. Best self-help books ever and have changed my life and many of my friends. PM me if you want to talk more.

I met DH at 34, married at 36, DC at 37 and 40. At your age I wasn’t sure I even wanted to get married. Don’t give up, you still have many many happy years ahead of you.

He quotes someone else “the most dangerous man in America is Walt Disney” because all of the romantic stories we’re brought up on have skewed our idea of what we should be looking for.

Yep.

Fairy stories too that we were brought up with.

"And they lived happily ever after". The End.

Don't give up OP! Change your thinking into one of "A new day, anything could happen!"

I met, totally unexpected, the father of my child at 35 who I had at 36.

Also ask yourself, am I willing and able to do it on my own? Anything can happen in life....

Op, I met ds’s dad at 43 and had ds at 45. A bit late I admit, but don’t give up, for heavens sake.
If you aren’t feeling it with current man, maybe end it now though, so you are both free to look elsewhere.

I'm 38 and met my bf at 37, I'd had a failed marriage and a series of 'that'll do' relationships but now I'm with someone who is just amazing. Babies may be a bit tricky as I have a few issues in that regard, but it's the first time in my life I've met someone who I want to try to have any with.

I met my DH at 35 and had DD at 38. I’m 52 and so very happy to have my teenager at home to play with! I had lots of fun when young doing things I know longer want to do but am very glad I did!

I just don’t feel the usual massive lust and love I would by this stage.

I'm thinking this might be why your past relationships haven't worked out. "Massive lust" is a deceiver. It blinds you to reality and causes you to make shit decisions.

As for your age, you are being embarrassingly ridiculous. 34 is so young you have no idea. When you get to be my age, you will look back on this and see how absurd this is.

OP, it sounds like you hanker for the razzmatazz and dopamine surge of a passionate lustful relationship with Mr Totally Wrong, and are doubtful whether the calmer, more lasting and genuine affection with Mr Right can live up to it.
So many women have serial failed relationships with glamorous “bad boys” - they like the thrill, the risk etc. But these chaps lack any of the responsibility or love or willingness to do the donkey work or support you during tough times.
A good potential husband might not set the world on fire, but he will always have your back and still love you despite stretch marks, middle age spread, and endless tedious discussions about nappies and feeding regimes!
Many more women nowadays wait until their 30s or even early 40s to have children, as they need to get their career to a suitable stage, or take a while to meet the right partner.
Try not to express desperation or neediness- a loudly ticking biological clock is a terrible relationship killer. Be happy in your own company, and you’re more likely to find a good partner. And you’re certainly not past it at your tender age! I had my kids in my mid 30s and have lots of friends and neighbours who had theirs in their 40s. I certainly wasn’t the oldest mum at the school gate. Keep cheerful, and I hope things work out for you.

I'm 31 so slightly younger than you OP, but I feel the same way. (posted a similar thread last week in fact!)
It's difficult seeing all my friends starting families while I seem to fall further and further behind but the responses on these threads give me hope.
I think the 'most dangerous man in America is Walt Disney' quote is very true - you'll never see a mid-30's, cynical, divorcee princess finding her handsome prince.

You can have everything you want. When I opened the post I thought you were going to say late 40s - not 34!!

I can honestly say as a way past the looking for a DH been married for twenty years woman. My friends that seemed to have the hardest time settling down were the ones that wanted it the most and focussed solely on that. I really think that striding forward in our careers, hobbies whatever it is your interested in is neglected by many. It makes us as humans rather more rounded.

I've not read all the replies, but I'm 33 and it looks like I'm heading for divorce no.2, with a man I love but doesn't show me love back. I want kids, I was (accidentally) pregnant but terminated earlier this year because he didn't want it.
I want to be in a loving, happy relationship too, and I want kids too, and feel a lot like you - like it's too late and nothing ever seems to work out,s o why bother? Though I see so many other people much older than me with kids in good relationships. I'm sorry you're in a similar boat to me in some ways, but it's nice to know we aren't alone. If this guy makes you happy and ticks all the boxes but the sparks are missing, try to make them fly, but in the end trust your gut.
Wishing you all the best. I'm going to look into a self help book someone recommended too x

Thanks for the posts they’re encouraging to read. Some days I don’t think of it at all and others I just feel like the future is really lonely. Especially when most people seem to be so settled.

ser358584 Wed 21-Nov-18 21:55:58
Thanks for the posts they’re encouraging to read. Some days I don’t think of it at all and others I just feel like the future is really lonely. Especially when most people seem to be so settled.

I think sometimes the hardest part is that everyone else settling down. Especially with social media; another engagement, another wedding, another house bought, another pet, baby, etc. Most of my pals have got their partner and kids and their pets and are happy, and you just feel like a spare part - especially with relationship issues, and like (even though they probably aren't) that they're judging you for what you may perceive as 'failure'.
I think we need to remember that our lives aren't over and to put ourselves out there and make more friends. I've just helped arrange a night out at Christmas with a bunch of people from my favourite gym class and am really looking forward to it, and hoping to make at least another pal I meet up with outside the classes in the future. I met up with an old friend from uni while visiting my gran recently and am now going to a festival I've wanted to go to again for years. Keep yourself busy, plan fun things, meet up regularly with friends and indulge in what makes you happy. I'm trying to do just the same.
And I can't remember if you said you've seen a counsellor before but I really recommend it. It might help you realise what you have or don't have (or if you are holding back due to previous relationships) with the guy you are currently seeing.
All the best lovely x