The best years to be married/have kids seem to have passed me by and I’ve given up. Anyone else feel like this?

[User358584]

I’m 34 and my life is not as I planned. I wanted to be married and have a family since about 25/26. Cue 3 failed relationships since then and a couple of non starters and I wind up on my own with less friends around me than each year before because they have all moved on with their lives! I still see and talk with them but it’s not the same when one of you is in a totally different place (yes you can make the effort and I do but it’s not the same as having shared experiences).

What’s made me sad is that in the last few months I have given up. I still date and I’m dating someone now since October. But in my heart I have given up. I don’t have faith in anything working out, I feel left behind and I can really tell these days that I am getting older.

Don’t know why I am posting really. I just want the magic and fun and hope of my twenties to return and for everything to work out. I just feel the best years for having a family have passed me by.

Please don't feel like this. 34 is soooooo young. A lot of people round here didn't even get married until late 30s and had babies in late thirties, second baby in their 40s. If you are committed to settling down then it's great that you have worked this out in your mind and can now set about trying to make it happen. Are you taking steps to meet people online?

You say you have given up on the person you are with? Is that because you don't want a future with them or because you are worried they won't commit to a future with you?

Hi, I’ve not given up with the person I am with, I just don’t feel the usual massive lust and love I would by this stage.

I can’t tell if that means it isn’t right or if it’s a good thing. And part of me thinks well so what anyway, I’m already years behind everyone else and getting too old for any of it to be a nice love story and happy ending.

Why did your relationships not work out? Is there a pattern that you follow in a relationship?

Yes I’ve mostly been with unavailable men. This current man is totally available and wants to settle down, can tell he likes me a lot. Hence my stupid brain translating that as a lack of spark I expect. But I like him and continuing to date him.

OP - you have years still...
My OBGYN told me before I had kids - if you want any - line up a man by 35...
And in the end I had them at 37 and 39....

You just having this first ‘growing up crisis’ - I had that too. I even got depressed just a little before your age.
In the 20s life seemed fun and infinite....
And people over 30 seemed boring and old.
And now, you are there, suddenly.

But the thing that you’ll discover - is that while being a bit older, you are also a bit wiser, more mature, more financially stable and able to have a lot of fun still - for a long time yet.

Good luck...

Thanks mmom that’s exactly how it feels. It scares me! I want to do everything and still want to date freely and have no commitments and also want to settle down and take my time. I feel so rushed.

Met the man of my dreams at 36? Had my kids at 38 and 41.
Don’t give up op x

I feel so rushed and it is putting pressure on every time I see this man as I just don’t feel sure yet

What is making you feel rushed? Do you really want to settle down, or just feel like you should want to because other people you know have?

I feel rushed because I hear all sorts about people settling down late and wanting families. I want to see how things go slowly but don’t feel I have that luxury.

Same situation op. I have given up, I don't even feel sad, just a bit empty, flat about it.

I would invest in a bit of counselling, OP, given you've always gone for unsuitable men. It could be that you're seeing danger in a decent man and you could do with talking things through before making a decision regarding him.

Thanks. Just feel it’s all too late now

I had babies in my 40s -you are a whippersnapper!

Counselling could help you see your relationship in a new light.

Have a look for a video on You tube - Alain de Botton on why you will marry the wrong person. Sounds terrible but actually quite positive! The idea that you don’t have the spark, the big lust, is just that we’ve been sold a false dream about what love is.

He quotes someone else “the most dangerous man in America is Walt Disney” because all of the romantic stories we’re brought up on have skewed our idea of what we should be looking for.

You’ve got plenty of time to do all the things you want to do with your life. You don’t need to rush, but similarly being aware of your own mental plans is helpful so you don’t just kept swept along with something that isn’t right.

As much as it isn’t the dream most of us go into parenthood with, having a baby doesn’t have to be reliant on finding Mr Right first. Many of us are testement to the fact that the man you choose you have kids with isn’t always the one you stay with. And that’s ok too.

I hope you find what you’re looking for, and however it pans out that you’re happy.

I'm now 42 & in a similar situation- I wish I was still 34 - you have time on your side still.

I became unwell at 32 in my mental health, had problems throughout my 30s when I was supposed to be meeting a man & settling down, I've always wanted children & now I look well & am mentally fairly stable I'm aware the clock really is alarming!!

I think first concentrate on your own wellbeing - if you feel happy & confident in yourself you will then seem more attractive to others.

Get out & socialise, try new things & maybe you will meet a man that way.

Make the most of being young but don't give up looking for a decent man - I hate it when people say 'it will happen when you aren't looking' - umm how? By magic?

By the way I've found out the hard way that most men are really shallow- when I was ill I looked ill & didn't therefore attract men.
Now I don't look ill, I've got blonder hair & am thinner so I'm attracting men who are asking me out.

Sadly it seems that first impressions are important so personally I do always now make an effort to look stylish & smart when I'm out & about, to smile & have a friendly attitude.

It will probably be too late for me too have a baby by the time I'm in a solid relationship (my mental health team said not to consider having a baby alone & I couldn't cope anyway) but it's definitely not too late for you & won't be too late for years!
So don't give up!!

Thanks so much for these posts. I appreciate people taking time to reply.

I guess part of it is I only just recently recognised my appearance and had confidence in it - I wish I could re live my twenties and feel like I looked good and was the same as any other woman out there. Sadly I am only just realising that now, but obviously also now getting on a bit as well!!

You're trying to attribute some magical point to life, like one path is bliss and others are misery. You've not yet learned to be happy in yourself. I know so many unhappily married people with children and even more where it has ended in divorce (myself included). Learn to love you and to enjoy life and forget there's a script to living it because comparison is the thief of joy and you always see the best in others' lives. Figure out how you can make a difference and do it. Sod the rest of it.

Thanks. I am happy with my life now - a few years ago I wasn’t. I am content with what I have achieved and feel equipped to move forwards with my career and future. But finding someone to share your life with is a different thing and whatever anyone says, I would rather have a meaningful relationship that ultimately ends than not have one at all.

I totally accept and understand that many people are in awful relationships and relationships that are not how they seem on social media. But no matter how it is framed, a life without someone to love and raise a family with is (for me at least) very disappointing and meaningless. Just as it is easy to say find meaning in other things, my meaning is in a loving relationship. However happy I am with myself - and I can confidently say I am happy with my life as it is for just me - there will be something missing if I never share it with anyone.

I spent over seven years with my ex from the age of 22-30. We got engaged after 3 years and bought a house about 18 months later... Didn't rush a thing. And he still changed and decided he rather spend his weekends off his tits on coke and I wouldn't see him for 48 hours, when we were supposedly trying for a baby but didn't actually DTD for the last year (and more)!

I'm now 33 and 8 weeks pregnant. Two quick (Been together just shy of 2 years, I was single a year in between)? Maybe. Do I know he is the one I want to be forever? Nope. I don't believe I could ever know that now after what happened before! I do know he will be a good father regardless though.

Congratulations auntmarch

That’s true, you can’t ever know for sure. I guess with this one I was wondering if the lack of crazy all consuming love was a problem.

It's really really not too late.

I met my husband when I was 37 and we had our son a few months before I turned 40. I had had decades of disastrous dating (including years of non-dating altogether) and had really given up.

I was unsure whether to go on even one date with my now husband as he just seemed so not my usual type. I wasn't sure for a while but we just work so well together and now I can't believe that I might have let him just pass me by.

Give your current relationship a go, maybe he's not right but perhaps he is - and try not to fret about time passing you by as that just puts far too much pressure on you.

Be kind to yourself xxx

I don't have that either - but it's nice and I am happy and we get on.

(Most of the time. Since being pregnant I actually find he can piss me off just by breathing lol)