Wife’s Affair - Reaction and moving forward.

[pp123ab]

For a few weeks I suspected my wife was having an affair - all the usual classic signs.

To cut a long story short I caught her two days ago in her car with someone she knows from a kids club they run together. They had been in the exact spot for two days in a row.

Anyway over the last two days the information has come out:-

• it started with external meetings about 8 weeks ago.
• they usual meet, probably 3-4 times a week, where he parks for work and they would talk for 30 minutes or so. They have also met for lunch.
• when we talked immediately after she said they kissed nearly every time but ‘not with tongues or anything’. She has now changed that to they had two pecks.
• she says that they just talked about normal stuff work, life, the kids club etc.
• she says that he made her feel like she could be herself and she has rewritten our history to say that she has been unhappy for a long time. I know this isn’t true really.
• she never once told me anything even though I repeatedly told her that I knew something was happening, even if it wasn’t affair. I even asked if it was the guy who it turned out to be.
• she lied and was deceitful and even played on my paranoia to throw me off the scent.

Anyway it is pretty clear she had an emotional affair with him and I think I caught it before it got sexual.

However, now she is completely refusing to give up helping run this kids club and accept what I think.

Now she is also claiming that they were just friends and the little ‘pecks’ just happened and shouldn’t have.

She says the only thing she has done wrong is not tell me she was meeting him.

She is in denial and minimising it while also turning it into my fault. We are going to counselling but I can’t get over her approach to it all.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

Thank you

I've been there. No advice except to say that the not knowing will destroy you but there's not much you can do about it. What a silly mare.

I think she's being unfair to say that she's done nothing wrong. Maybe it's guilt making her react that way.

Yes, she is following "the script" and you'll only hear the bare minimum level of admission. It is pretty much guaranteed that more has gone on, and for longer, than she has admitted.

You don't mention kids so I'm assuming you have none, in which case it is at least easier to walk away.

I'm sorry to say unless she is completely honest with you, and shows genuine remorse and completely cuts contact, your marriage is over. You need to get your ducks in a row and be prepared to leave, sooner rather than later and be calm about it. Above all don't threaten to do it unless you're prepared to follow through. It may just be that the shock of your departure has the desired effect but don't count on it.

At this stage there is not much you can do other than be calm and firm.

My (now) XH had an affair for about the same length of that I'm pretty sure went no further than snogging up to the point I found out. He was out of the house sharpish.

Three days later they had moved in together.

I am a black and white thinker and he knew any form of infidelity would be a deal breaker yet seemed floored by my reaction and felt himself to be the injured party.

She's essentially telling you that she'll do what she wants when she wants and you just have to suck it up. It's the lies, the deception, the gaslighting you've uncovered that show you who she really is.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

What do you want to happen now, @pp123ab ?

If you're going to counselling, it sounds as if you want your marriage to continue. However, if your wife isn't being totally honest with you, I fear you are fighting a losing battle.

she is completely refusing to give up helping run this kids club and accept what I think

This is not good and not fair. Sorry, OP.

I think you need to be clear that she needs to stop this kids club if she has any chance of repairing things with you. It's not unreasonable for you to ask this.

She has absolutely no respect for you i'm afraid. She's showing all the typical cheater traits of minimising, gaslighting, blame shifting. I'm with Weezol, this would be a deal breaker for me.

I strongly suggest you visit www.chumplady.com read the stories, blog posts, join the forum and get advice from people who have been through and are going through what you are going through right now.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, many of us have been there.

Just a peck, my arse!!!!!
She's lying, she's cheating, she's taking you for mug, she won't do what is necessary to fix things.
Do you have DC together?
I'm assuming so.
But.... If I was you, I'd go to the first couselling session on my own.
She is not telling the truth and I doubt she will when in counselling.

I agree with hellsbellsmelons you should have a counceling session on your own.
You should be her focus after what she has done. You arent.

Thanks for the advice guys.

Quite unbelievably she is now backtracking on most things she has said.

The only thing she says is ‘we were just friends and had two pecks’.

Read this:

www.gottman.com/blog/askgottman-affairs-answers/

Look at this:

staymarriedblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/CheatersCascade1.jpg

If u have no kids, run a fucking mile.

She's lying and thinks you're a fool to believe it.

Google infidelity 180... and implement it.

If she cant be honest...you don't have a good chance of a successful reconciliation.

If the other man is married or in a relationship...you may want to let her know. That'll quosh the affair and she deserves to know the truth.

The more she thinks you won't end the marriage...the more kids you'll get.

Oh my god she is infuriating. Not only is she saying it was just friends the way she is doing it with such an arrogant response.

If you don't stand firm...you'll get trod on.

You may also find additional support from www.survivinginfidelity.com

Post in 'just found out' and you'll get some insightful responses.

My ExW did the same. He was only a 'friend' and I was being paranoid. Turns out that she was shagging around. My advice....dump the bitch.

I think the only way a marriage can survive an affair is when the cheater is truly sorry and does everything they can to put it right.
That's not happening for you so I think the marriage is over.
I would be very surprised if this hasn't gone further than 'pecks'. She is taking the piss out of you and like a previous poster said, she is telling you that she is going to do what she wants and you can just suck it up.

Sorry but your relationship is done. I wouldn’t even try to make it work. Her reaction to all of this alone precludes any hope of repairing it. Even IF it was all just a peck and pure friendship she should be horrified and genuinely worried by how much upset and pain she’s caused you. Instead? She’s giving you the proverbial finger. She has no respect for you and your trust in her is shattered.

If it’s your place tell her your done and get out. If not move out and rebuild your life. There are cheap accommodation options available. If your in some way legally connected to her immediately seek out a solicitor and get your interests protected.

Do you have DC together?
As a PP said. If not, then run for the hills.
Even if you do, I'd say some time away from her will help you think more clearly.
She obviously thinks you are a total muppet with no brain cells, to think she can get away with this.
Put some space between you.
Even if it's just temporarily to get some headspace.

We have children together and up until recently a pretty decent life. I know that she has some unresolved issues from a difficult family.

I am giving myself time as it was only less than a week ago and I want to see how the first therapy session goes to see if she can finally be open and honest and take it from there.

She's dripfeeding information, minimising, lying and refusing to go NC. As the others have said, you cannot change the way she is, but you can change what you do about it. You need to be ready to move on. Your relationship will never be the same again. Read ' not just friends' by Shirley Glass and if you can, get her to read it. If she is willing and she follows the advice there is hope. If she is not willing to accept fault then it's over, you will not change her mind and she has no respect for you.

Also, her blaming unresolved issues with family, or the way you treat her, or that she has not been happy, or that you have not been paying enough attention is all part of the script. Justification. She cannot justify this behaviour at all.

I know that she has some unresolved issues from a difficult family

Sorry, OP but this has NOTHING to do with fidelity or lying to you. Which she has done. She should be doing EVERYTHING possible to set this right with you and she's not. I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear but I don't think she's even sorry. It doesn't even sound as if she is sorry she got caught.

Just throwing this out there - maybe she is telling the truth and there WASNT anything else?

I was in a similar situation a few years ago and was accused of having an affair with someone - he was going through a very difficult time and I became his "talk-it-through" friend. Looking back, yes I could have handled it differently with my then DH but at the time, I genuinely didn't think I was doing anything wrong - from my perspective, I was helping out a friend in need.

However, when my DH said that he didn't want me going for coffee with this friend as he wanted to spend time with me I stopped with the coffee trips. But I felt indignant that no one believed it was innocent just because it was a male/female friendship.

@blobby10 the biggest piece of 'evidence' is the fact that I just know. My gut told me before something was wrong and it was. My gut is telling me that they were more than just friends. Just as much as she says she knows what happened, she is failing to take into account that I also know what happened.

This is just adding to the frustration as all I want is an honest conversation about it.

pp123ab no one else can tell you your gut feeling is right or wrong, but my DH would have said the same as you. And he was wrong! But that was me. Not your wife and you probably know her better than anyone does.

Good luck - I hope she is honest in your conversation but also hope that IF she tells the truth, that you are able to believe her. Its not an easy road you are on. Look after yourself.

Stop making excuses for her behaviour. The lying alone would be enough for me to end it. Meeting another man in his car regularly without telling you and admitting to kissing him...what more do you need? She's cheating and has already checked out, if she hasn't physically slept with him she's probably planning to do so. Get out now whilst you have your dignity and plan a future for yourself and your children.