What makes a psychopath?

[Coffeeandcrisps]

I’ve written this thread about 6 times now, and I keep deleting it.

Basically, I am a bit worried I am one? I saw my ex today and he very calmly explained why he though I was, which I could probably explain away, but my mum has called me one in the past too, and it seems too much of a coincidence that the 2 people who knew me best think the same.

For context and being brutally honest about myself: I am quite controlling and can detach from situations and become cold quite easily. I am quite intelligent and analytical, and if someone argues with me I prefer to retreat and then come back when I’ve thought it all through. That said, if I do lose my temper, it’s horrible and I press the self destruct button massively. People seem to think I’m life and soul of the party, but I don’t really like people, and need to be on my own to cope with the social side of it - so I’m probably quite fake about it? People seem to like me and I’m popular, but I have only a few close people to me. I’d rather be on my own.

I was sexually abused as a child, so I know I am ‘damaged’ so to speak, and in the interests of full disclosure - I saw a psychotherapist for a year and I said I was worried I was a psychopath and she said she didn’t think I was one, but I’m worried I manipulated / fooled her into liking me and therefore she didn’t believe this. I saw another therapist for 2 sessions and she said she felt I was abusive and manipulative.

Lastly (sorry, I know it’s long!) I struggled with my break up a lot at the time and posted on here at length about it. Posters were quite vocal (in the way only you lot can be!) that my ex was controlling and abusive, which I agreed with once I had had some time to see it, but I still feel that I made him that way and almost manipulated him into acting the way he did? I welcomed him hurting me. I realise that’s totally fucked up by the way.

Please be kind, I’m genuinely worried I’m totally fucked up and have tried to be as honest as I can be about my faults.

If you’re worried you’re a psychopath, chances are you’re not! Honestly nothing you’ve said here rings any bells.

You sound a lot like me. I think you’re quite likely an INFJ - if you look up Myers Briggs personality tests there are (I think 16) different types of people. Infjs are introverted but can appear to be the life of the party (but then go home and retreat for a few days to recover!). They are well know for being very intense and loyal, until the moment they snap, go into total destruction mode and then ‘SLAM’ the door is shut and they cut you off (even though you deserved it!)

They can come across as cold but they’re actually very sensitive, they just have to keep it under wraps or it makes them vulnerable (which with your history would make total sense).

That’s not to say you don’t have some manipulative tendencies or indeed some other type of personality disorder - nothing you’ve said here would indicate that, except what your counsellor told you. But I’d say it’s very unlikely that you’re a psychopath, please don’t worry.

And no, you didn’t manipulate your ex into treating you abusively. He did that all by himself. We all have a choice and you’re taking responsibility for your own choices, don’t take any for his x

Well i don't think that description fits you but childhood abuse etc does take a heavy toll all the same, perhaps best to see another theripist again seems to me pou should seek help for your benefit.

And what's the point of lying and trying to fool him or her?

It is about helping YOU!

Be honest please:)

I can be like this sometimes and I found out this year I'm autistic. Might be worth looking into - women present much differently to men and can hide it much better hence me getting to nearly 30 without anyone realising!

You sound a lot like me. I am definitely not a psychopath. I do however have borderline personality disorder. Alot of the things you describe ring true for me. However you are under a psychiatrist and they would have picked it up.

What matters is your happiness and well being. Not a label.

I was going to say the same as Lem, if there is at all something wrong so to speak its much likely to be bpd, up to 12% of the population have it. Look up personality disorders.

I was also going to say BPD, although it could also be PTSD as the two are often misdiagnosed.

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You're not a psychopath - you just asked us to be kind 🙂 A psychopath would not care if we were kind or not as they would receive supply from negative responses too.

You might have a personality disorder, and it might not be full blown.
To be honest, therapists, unless they’re a specialist in that field probably won’t really be any good at diagnoses.

Have you thought about seeing a psychotherapist who specialises in these diagnoses?
But I agree with others you don’t come across as a psychopath

Also I haven’t read your other thread. But I really don’t think you can turn someone into a controlling abuser.

My first thoughts from your post were about borderline personality disorder.
Everyone is different, particularly deep within their secret inner selves- perhaps you've just been more honest and articulated things others never dare say.

Please be kind to yourself

@Coffeeandcrisps

There is an intersting book -
The Wisdom of Psycopaths....
I, at times, wondered the same things about me and it helped me understand some things....

When people talk about psychopaths - they think of serial murderers, etc....
While in reality - there is a large spectrum and many people have a degree of being able to detach from feelings at times. It’s a evolutionary trait.
Think of what soldiers, surgeons, politicians, lawyers - etc - need to do. A cold mind is often needed to make and execute certain decisions, etc.

In your (and mine, I think) case - i dealt with some difficult events in childhood by learning to separate the emotional and other parts of my life. Just to get through and survive....

Don’t worry. You may be different from many people, in how you deal with life and emotions. But there is nothing wrong with you.
You are just you.

@Coffeeandcrisps

There is an intersting book -
The Wisdom of Psycopaths....
I, at times, wondered the same things about me and it helped me understand some things....

When people talk about psychopaths - they think of serial murderers, etc....
While in reality - there is a large spectrum and many people have a degree of being able to detach from feelings at times. It’s a evolutionary trait.
Think of what soldiers, surgeons, politicians, lawyers - etc - need to do. A cold mind is often needed to make and execute certain decisions, etc.

In your (and mine, I think) case - i dealt with some difficult events in childhood by learning to separate the emotional and other parts of my life. Just to get through and survive....

Don’t worry. You may be different from many people, in how you deal with life and emotions. But there is nothing wrong with you.
You are just you.

Have you any empathy ❓
Do you get fearful ❓
If yes then you are not a psychopath
Psychopaths certainly don't get anxious -this is why I'm always weary of very confident brash people
Psychopaths won't jump when you jump up on them round a corner for example -their body and mind just won't react to it

I just wanted to check in and say thank you to you all for replying. I’ve been really upset about this today for some reason, and your answers have helped.

I’ve looked up BPD a lot today and it feels like me to a T, which is a weird thing to discover about yourself. The abandonment stuff made me cry, so much of it makes sense about my past behaviour.

I do have PTSD as well, I was sexually abused and lived with my abuser so was in a high state of fear / anxiety for many years. My therapist (the first one!) was lovely, and I wanted her to like me, which I why I was worried I’d somehow hidden something from her. She was the one who diagnosed the PTSD. The second lady seemed horrified by what I told her, and I didn’t go back after the second session when she called me a prostitute (my ex was very wealthy and controlling and I gave up work to spend more time with him)

In terms of my relationships though the BPD seemed to fit so well. I have very intense turbulent relationships. I find it very hard to let people in, but when I do, I can’t give up on them and feel abandoned when they let go. My ex and I had a very sexually violent relationship, and I liked him to hurt me when I was feeling down / something bad had happened in my life. I told the 2nd therapist it was like a form of self abuse, and is why I feel I manipulated him into being horrible. Looking at the signs in men specifically though, I would put money on him having it too. Is that even possible though for us both to have it?

God it’s fucked up isn’t it? Can I ever have a normal relationship do you think? Do I need to do anything with this information? I guess it doesn’t change anything?

Are you under a psychiatrist (not a psychotherapist)? Have you seen anyone who specialises in personality disorder? If you're worried, get seen by someone. Not always an easy pathway, though.

I was under a psychotherapist for a year, but not any more - someone who specialises in childhood abuse, I dont think they did personality disorders too? Is that something I want noted on my medical file though? Actually, I say that, it probably wouldn’t make much difference as there’s depression / anxiety / stress etc on there already I guess.

I do not think you can manipulate someone into being sexually violent to you if they do not want to be violent. He was violent because he wanted to be

I had a similar thing with my ex - I felt like I gave him consent to beat me, but looking back, I did not, it was a kind of creep effect and he gained pleasure from hurting me (he told me he enjoyed the power). Have you ever heard of DARVO (Deny, Avoid, Reverse Victim and Offender)? It is what perpetrators do. Your ex sounds like he exploited your vulnerability and then called you what he is.

Also forgive me, but if you lived with your abuser growing up when you were sexually abused, your mum failed to protect you and so I would not listen to her calling you a psychopath. That is also failing you because she is not qualified to diagnose you and neither is your ex.

Dissociation is a normal response to trauma and it sounds like you have had a lot of that.

It is possible to heal from trauma and to live life (and love) without pain. I agree that finding another good therapist is the way forward - and not allowing other people’s arrows to lodge in your brain (by doing that, the harm doubles). Protect yourself and ignore those who seek to harm, rather than support you

For what it is worth, I also read what you say about being the life and soul of the party and then needing to recover, as well as being analytical and intelligent through the INTJ Myers-Briggs typology - it is normal for introverted people to feel that social occasions are tiring. It is also normal to have a logical approach to things. I read that many academics are INTJ, for example.

The second lady seemed horrified by what I told her, and I didn’t go back after the second session when she called me a prostitute

What?. Bloody idiot coming out with Bollix like that and a so called professional too:(

If you think you have Bi Polar issues and that is possibeel that can in the main be treated but please whatever you do don't give up seeking help please!..

Hey OP, sorry to hear about everything you're going through. I'm afraid I don't have much advice for you, I just wanted to challenge a few of the things said about psychopaths on here, because I believe them to be untrue:

Psychopaths often can feel empathy, they just have to choose to. They can switch it on, it's just that for "normal" people empathy is a default position, but for a psychopath it isn't, and they have to actively try to empathise. But many of them can.

You won't spot a successful psychopath easily. They often won't seem to lack emotion or empathy when you speak to them; they will be able to mimic remorse, and you will likely believe that it's real. What gives away a psychopath is the things they do, and how those things are evidently only possible for someone to do if they are supremely self-serving and cold. Also they need to do them over and over, such that it's obvious they're default position is this self-serving cold-heartedness, rather than just an infrequent turning off of their social concern.

A lot of defining a psychopath is about evaluating their live and actions as a whole; they frequently live a parasitic lifestyle, and leave a trail of victims in their wake - people who they've manipulated and used, then discarded when it no longer serves them. Sometimes they even seem to temporarily want to make reparations for their misdeeds... but only if that's going to get them where they want to go, and only if you model for them first the "good" behaviour that's expected of them, because it won't come naturally to them. Many can mirror it perfectly though.

Even professionals can be hoodwinked by effective psychopaths, they're that good at mimicking the emotive responses of "normal" people. I'm only saying any of this because I have some degree of personal experience, and I always thought I'd "know" as well. But no-body knew, until the full extent of his secret life was pieced together and everything became clear.

One thing though, OP; do you think you're in some way superior to other people? That seems to be the clincher I think. If you genuinely believe you're superior, and your manipulativeness is to twist the world however you want it, because of course it should bend to your will, because you entirely deserve it... you might be a psychopath. But it doesn't sound like you feel that way. Only you will know if you do.

My brother thought he was a psychopath but his counsellor said that he couldn’t be as he feels empathy. He is Bi-polar and has epilepsy. I don’t think he’s a psychopath but he does have some mental health issues.

you are not a psychopath! Most of us will share one or two traits that a psychopath may have, I can be a cold bitch and I definitely lack empathy from time to time but that doesn't mean I'm an actual full time psychopath - hopefully...

It makes sense (but it doesn't right?) that you seek relationships that reflect the past abuse.

Be kind to yourself, you've been so much not many of us could even imagine!

I agree with @Josuk

It's a spectrum (IMO) not a 'you're a total psychopath' or you aren't one at all.

I don't feel guilt or empathy for people. I find anything gory (I mean RL, not pretend horror movies) interesting rather than upsetting.

Things that friends find upsetting and can't watch or think about don't seem to elicit any emotional response in me (car crashes, gore sites, etc).

However I consider myself to be a nice person, I'm generous with things and with my time, I invest in relationships with my family, friends and colleagues.

Also I have massive amounts of empathy for animals. I could watch a person be killed but not a cat. (But then so could Ian Brady and Myra Hindley so I found out the other day so that's sort of blown that one out of the water, and Hitler loved his dogs so 🤷🏻‍♀️).

I think in a different set of circumstances I could be much closer to what people think of as a 'psychopath' but to me manipulation and similar seem like a lot of effort these days when I already have a great life. Plus it tends to bite you in the arse in the end, rarely can you get away with manipulation long term, so what's the point?

Also the world needs people who aren't as emotional....I've done lots of volunteer work in areas that a lot of people say that they 'couldn't do' because it would impact them too much (rape/sexual abuse survivors and with paedophiles). I can switch off after my shift with no problem.