Husband's massive mid life crisis affair is tearing us apart

[FannytheW0nderDog]

OK Mumsnetters, this is a long and complicated one so please bear with .... We are both mid forties, together 16 years (married for 14 months). I held him in high regard until now and I thought we worked well as a couple

Together we have raised three children (from previous relationships), lived together, even worked together 5 years. We have a home, a commercial property and a dog together. Last year got married after a 7 year engagement. At no point did he give any indication that he would lob this massive holy hand-grenade into our lives.

Recently there's been stress in the business and at home with family members being long-term ill (terminal cancer and teenage DD with CFS/ ME). So I recently left the business after five years of working together to focus on looking after family members. Then this happens ...

We have a policy of total honesty so he told me about one of the (married) female employees who he thought had the hots for him and what should he do? I said that's fine you can talk with her and if you have a kiss 'I don't mind' (big mistake). Fast forward to two months later and they are dating on a regular basis, she's lying to DH about whereabouts and of course they have slept together whilst on business

Three times I have asked him to end it and each time he has backed out. The lastest line from him is that he "has doubts about our relationship" but is unwilling to talk about it. Added to this, he's not willing to give her up at this point, nor is he willing to put in the hard work to get our marriage back on track. There's nothing more that I can do to persuade him to drop this mid-life insanity. I've basically found myself observing my otherwise loyal husband's affair from the sidelines. She's probably looking for an exit affair and he's got caught up in this insanity. Before anyone says LTB - yes I probably will - but not before I've got legal and practical advice.

FWIW he's never cheated on me (long time ago I had a ONS with total stranger and I fessed up and cut contact immediately). I know we've both been total idiots so I don't mind the backlash. I would just like to hear any opinions on a practical, legal and emotional level.

When he came to you and said a female coworker found him attractive you virtually gave him permission to have an affair. Why say he could kiss her? That is nuts. If he has slept with her do you really want him back? Has the trust not gone? He has told you but also refuses to give her up. Do you really still want to sleep with him knowing he is having sex with OW? You need legal advice.

He effectively asked your permission? Imho He was already involved by the time he told you. He is having cake and eating it, using the distractions of family life to hoodwink you.

Seriously??? Your husband is shagging another woman and dating her.
There’s no “tearing apart” as you’re already miles apart.

I don't understand. you told him to kiss her!

Don't blame mid life crisis! It's simply shitty behaviour.
But why on earth did you give him permission. This is all kinds of fucked up.

Why did you say it was ok to kiss her?

Why give him the green light?

Oh dear you have been rather silly! Why did you give permission..cause now you really can't take it back, the damage is done. Of course he's going to be emotionally involved with her now and minimizing your relationship...what did you honestly expect to happen? I think you both need to sit down like adults and put all your cards on the table and probably manage an amicable split... I can see nothing but a slow car crash otherwise.

If you have a kiss ‘I don’t mind’!!!!
What??????
Why on earth would you say this? How is that ever an ok comment to make?

Otherwise loyal? Loyal except for sleeping with other women isn’t loyal in my book...

Your marriage is already over. Get your legal stuff in order and file for divorce. Oh and get an sti test while you're at it.

That is all really really odd. Your response to him saying he fancied someone at work effectively told him you didn't give a damn about him so he took it further.

You said you didn't care and asked him to take it further. He did.

You need to a divorce for everyone.

I do apologise but when I read you had given him permission to make out with her I burst out laughing. Really? Wow. But good luck though.

This is the strangest thread.. if my husband kissed someone else it would definitely be over.. I would never ever give permission! What an odd thing to do.. he’s now having a full blown affair with your permission.. you are effectively allow it to happen by giving him choices and making it sound like a mid life crisis.. a mid life crisis in my book is buying a motorbike and leathers or dying your hair and attempting to relive your youth, not shagging someone else.

Okayyy, so you’ve made some weird choices in the past - what to do going forwards?

I wouldn’t put up with this- not many would.

Slightly missing point of thread and hoping I don't get flamed, but if I'm honest, I always wonder what on earth the reason behind such a long engagement is... I mean... 7 years.. was one of you reluctant to get married?

Why the actual fuck did you give him permission to kiss her??

Personally I wouldn't be able to move on with him and would need to end it right now! Maybe you said he could kiss her as reverse psychology and it back fired but now that he's point blank refusing to end things I'd walk away. He can't love you after all? I think you two need to sit down and plan your divorce like a PP has mentioned. Sell the house and split it etc

...

On the other hand, there are couples out there that do "share" their partners, it's not unheard of. If you honestly see this in your future then there may be ways around this, if you are into that..

“He’s not willing to give her up”.

That alone is an indication that the marriage is over. If he wanted to save it, then he would cut contact with her.

I also wonder about 5he kiss permission, unless it was said in jest.

Well, you kind of did give him permission to have an affair. If my dh told me he wouldn’t be too bothered if I kissed someone else I’d be heartbroken. The fact that he’s telling you he’s actually dating this woman is just beyond weird. I don’t think this is a midlife crisis affair - it sounds more like your marriage is over so he’s started a new relationship

Op you made your bed...now you've got to lie in it

You gave him permission.

How odd.

If my dh ever told me he had any remote interest in or from anyone at work I would shut it down immediately and be super hurt!

I don’t know where you go from here but I think this over really isn’t it? What a mess.

You have a really weird undertone like he's a silly boy making a silly mistake not a traitorous fucking bastard. Where's your anger? Cool wife syndrome?

Wow, he's already put it out there that he's dating a co-worker. Don't believe that they haven't slept together. YOu gave permission for a kiss so I'd be surprised if they haven't slept together. They're ''dating''.

I wouldn't want him now.

You gave him the green light, OP. And he's off. What on earth were you thinking?