Husband's massive mid life crisis affair is tearing us apart

[FannytheW0nderDog]

OK Mumsnetters, this is a long and complicated one so please bear with .... We are both mid forties, together 16 years (married for 14 months). I held him in high regard until now and I thought we worked well as a couple

Together we have raised three children (from previous relationships), lived together, even worked together 5 years. We have a home, a commercial property and a dog together. Last year got married after a 7 year engagement. At no point did he give any indication that he would lob this massive holy hand-grenade into our lives.

Recently there's been stress in the business and at home with family members being long-term ill (terminal cancer and teenage DD with CFS/ ME). So I recently left the business after five years of working together to focus on looking after family members. Then this happens ...

We have a policy of total honesty so he told me about one of the (married) female employees who he thought had the hots for him and what should he do? I said that's fine you can talk with her and if you have a kiss 'I don't mind' (big mistake). Fast forward to two months later and they are dating on a regular basis, she's lying to DH about whereabouts and of course they have slept together whilst on business

Three times I have asked him to end it and each time he has backed out. The lastest line from him is that he "has doubts about our relationship" but is unwilling to talk about it. Added to this, he's not willing to give her up at this point, nor is he willing to put in the hard work to get our marriage back on track. There's nothing more that I can do to persuade him to drop this mid-life insanity. I've basically found myself observing my otherwise loyal husband's affair from the sidelines. She's probably looking for an exit affair and he's got caught up in this insanity. Before anyone says LTB - yes I probably will - but not before I've got legal and practical advice.

FWIW he's never cheated on me (long time ago I had a ONS with total stranger and I fessed up and cut contact immediately). I know we've both been total idiots so I don't mind the backlash. I would just like to hear any opinions on a practical, legal and emotional level.

Did you ‘give him permission’ as a punishment for your own infidelity? Like it would make things even and he’d have to forgive you?

You have him permission what on Earth where you thinking?!?

Eh?

So, to cut to the chase, you need to see a family solicitor. The first consultation is usually free. Do your research online. I found WikiVorce a really helpful site with a very good forum years ago. I imagine it's still helpful. Have a look. Lots of pragmatic/practical advice there.

By calling it a mid-life crisis I think you are minimising it. He is probably getting his finances sorted too. He says he isn't giving her up. You need to listen to what he's saying OP and judge by jis actions. Time to start evaluating what hope, if any, there is for your marriage so that you don't waste too much time.

It's not a midlife crisis, he's committing adultery. I don't see what there is to save, he's openly having a relationship and sleeping with another woman. Ltb.

Why on earth would you tell him you 'didn't mind' if he kissed her?

What what what?!? You have him permission! Why?!?!? He's been talking you because you have him permission?!?
Brain does not compute

*telling not talking

okay ladies, I'm literally scratching my head at this Thread.

Have you got a solicitor yet? Do you still have access to the business finances? He and she will be getting all their ducks in a row. He's already told you that. Get your head out of the sand and get lawyered up

Another one thinking why on earth would you say that. But let's move on from that you've had enough backlash for that.

OP, I think it sounds like you've already decided to LTB and I think that's probably the right thing. I agree with PP that you need a sit down with him and to aim for an unmessy as possible divorce as there are dcs involved. Do get legal advice etc in advance and protect yourself.

I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this.

Did you tell him he could kiss her as you thought he'd do it anyway and it was a defence mechanism? As this is the only way I can see this

Wow. I clicked this thread thinking he’d bought a Harley or had his ear pierced or wanted quit his job to pursue micro-brewing as a business.

Your marriage is over. Try to get out clean and with your assets split fairly.

I can’t even begin to comment on the whys and wherefore was they are so far into the realms of “WtF?”.

You gave him the green light

Exactly my thought. Seriously OP

You could always get yourself a dude. But ultimately this will end your marriage...

You did that woman thing where you effectively say 'well it's your decision,' so as not to appear controlling, all the while hoping that he would do the right thing. But he didn't because he's a dick. Don't blame yourself. Nobody needs permission to do anything; we all chose to do whatever we want because we weigh up the consequences. I could go on a murderous rampage or become a hooker or go and eat a pat of butter from the fridge if I wanted to. But there are consequences to all of those things and I don't much fancy doing them anyway. So you said he could kiss someone. Whatever. He made the choice to do that thing, not you.

I really don’t understand why anyone would tell their husband they didn’t mind if he kissed another woman.this sounds weird. It’s notneven the sort of thing you’d make a joke of.

Anyway, your husband is having an affair, admits it and won’t stop. What would you advise your best friend to do if she told you this?

It’s a no-brained in my book.

Or even a no-brainier!

your marriage is over. Stop asking him to end his affair. He won't. Get legal and financial advise and divorce him.

I have no idea what you were thinking when you said to him to have a kiss with her but it doesn't excuse him having a full-blown affair and it doesn't change the fact that the man who is supposed to love you and cherish you is having sex with someone else and doesn't really give a shit about how you feel about it.

Sorry OP, but I think your marriage is over.

I’m not someone who thinks that there is no possible way forward after infidelity- I believe that some marriages can survive it. BUT only if the adulterer shows true remorse and is willing to work hard to get the marriage back on track. Your DH won’t give up the OW so he’s effectively made his decision.

Hope you’re ok

It's still his decision and his fault, even if OP gave him permission to cross a boundary. Your best option now, whether to try and save things or to move on, is to tell enough is enough and you're seeing a solicitor, plus he will have to do 50/50 care for the kids and not be off having fun with the OW.

Op stop calling your husband's affair insanity. It's not insanity. That's disrespectful. To insane people.

It's called having your cake and eating it.

You will kick yourself if you don't use this time to sort out finances if he goes on to leave you for her and leaves you high and dry. Stop waiting for him to end it or see sense etc. Look out for you and dc now.

I really don't get why you would give your husband permission to kiss another woman and then be surprised when it evolves into a full blown affair. You effectively told him it was ok and by telling him to go ahead and kiss her you've given him the impression you're not that bothered.

Did you give him permission to kiss her because you’ve secretly lost interest in him really? This now makes it easier for you to bin him? Just wondering because that’s the sort of thing I’d do if I wanted rid of someone easily

What do you really want from this situation OP? What would be your ideal outcome for the long term?

The permission thing is really bizarre, and worrying. What did you expect to happen?

It all sounds deeply disfunctional and damaging. You really need to get arrangements for your future in order, because as it stands its an absolute clusterfuck.