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Original poster

About to separate with husband - is this 'normal'?

26 replies

nostaples · 19/11/2018 16:19

Been with dh for 20 years and have two teenaged children 16 and 14. Caught him sniffing around a secretary at work a few weeks ago. We tried to make a go of it but it clearly wasn't happening. He blew up over nothing in front of the kids and it was just obvious he not only doesn't love me but doesn't really like me any more. He's moving out this weekend into a flat that is walking distance so he can still see the kids. He's not been particularly pleasant to them either, snapping at the younger one that she was 'just like your mum' when she simply misunderstood a question. She came home very upset and confused.

I've just found out that he's defriended me on Facebook and my parents and any relations or friends of mine. He has deleted all family photos with me in them. There is no sign of me at all. He plans to take very few things with him, pretty much what he came into the relationship with (after he left his previous wife). Of course he has now friended the secretary (who knows about me) and he is still friends with the children who will see all his posts and report back to me. I know there is no 'normal' when it comes to relationship break ups but is this what people (men) do after a 20 year relationship when their wife is also the mother of their children? He knows I have tried very hard to make things work. I also have worked increasingly long hours and in recent years have contributed as much to the family income as he has, with the potential to earn more than him in the future.

His erasing of me and our marriage has been the thing that has hit me hardest in the last week or so. I am left wondering what on earth it has all been for and certainly why I've been working so hard (in paid work and for the family) when he can do this so brutally and with such apparent lack of care or affection.

OP posts:
johnnymarrr · 19/11/2018 16:24

All you can do is say fuck it and try not to think about the prick. I know it's easy enough for me to say but it's better you just forget his pathetic behaviour and and start living your best life.

Original poster
nostaples · 19/11/2018 16:26

Thanks @johnnymarrr I think I needed to hear that. I cannot believe anybody can be so unfeeling and just 'switch off' such a long and complex relationship. The idea that he was there at the birth of my children and can just walk out as if I've had nothing to do with them, well, I'm finding it heart breaking.

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 19/11/2018 16:31

This is very common with men. Erasing relationship history. He will totally rewrite it too. Single women will tell you how many newly single men had 'crazy' exes Hmm

As johnnymarrr said - it's pathetic behaviour and best ignored.

Bibidy · 19/11/2018 16:35

I cannot believe anybody can be so unfeeling and just 'switch off' such a long and complex relationship

I feel the same way but I think, to be brutally honest, in most cases you'll find the 'switch off' actually happened a long time ago, so while it feels sudden to you it's probably not to him.

Sorry this has happened to you. x

Sally2791 · 19/11/2018 16:37

It does seem to be a very common theme. I think very few can actually continue to maintain a mature adult relationship after the marriage has died.They are able more than women,I think, to completely switch off and forget all the intimacy and bonding that you have shared. Helped of course by him having a new toy to play with. He will completely rewrite history.Don't waste any more thought on him, you are free, enjoy your life.

springydaff · 19/11/2018 16:37

It's shocking how some people can completely switch tracks as if the initial track no longer exists.

I think they do it to assuage guilt. But they totally believe their new story, that's the killer.

Take care of your precious self. What he's done and doing is no reflection on you at all

JellieEllie · 19/11/2018 16:41

Yep I think men tend to do this.
When I split with my ex he deleted every trace possible of me from his life. Even went as far as deleting comments I'd made off posts he had made years back.
We got back together 4 years later and when I asked him why he said it was easier to delete me out of his life as men tend to take a relationship break up harder than women after the first initial anger wears off and he didn't want to be reminded of me and weaken in himself as the split was right for him at the time.
I have read that women although initially find break ups extremely difficult at first go on to become stronger and happier in themselves. Whereas men will love the freedom for the first couple of months then regret it massively later down the line and that's when the pain kicks in for them.

MotorcycleMayhem · 19/11/2018 16:44

Please don't ask your children to report anything back to you. If they volunteer information, that's their choice, but don't ask them for anything. That's unfair, and asking them to get involved in adult relationship games.

Adora10 · 19/11/2018 16:45

Awful isn't it, and actually women do it too.

I would be asking the kids NOT to report back to me on his doings, I'd stop caring just like he has stopped caring about you, are you sure he's not actually in a relationship with this secretary?

Let his horribly apathy towards you fuel your anger and determination to forge a better life for yourself now and a better relationship, you will find someone a zillion times better than him.

Trinity66 · 19/11/2018 16:47

It's odd that alot of times it's the one who was in the wrong ends up being the angry, nasty one when the relationship ends

ShalomJackie · 19/11/2018 16:48

I don't think it is purely a man thing though. I know plenty of women who unfriend exs on social media.

Do not put the children in the position where they report back to you.

I appreciate it is hard for you because he has had longer to get used to the breakdown of the relationship

TwoDrifters · 19/11/2018 16:51

Not to make light of your situation, but some of the previous posts reminded me of this cartoon.

I hope things vastly improve for you soon, OP. Flowers

About to separate with husband - is this 'normal'?
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 19/11/2018 17:04

I feel your pain OP. My ex doesn't do social media but he left with barely a backward glance to start a physical affair with OW he had been having an EA with. My DC are older though still at home and ex would take them to his parents house and party and he didn't understand how upsetting it was for them....I was at home breaking my heart and there he was acting all jolly and normal at his parents - he didnt get that the DC found it hard as I had been there with them when we visited his parents for their entire lives and now I was just not there.

It amazes me that as you say, after all we have shared, he has been able to completey emotionally detach and move on with another woman. He has also reduced me to tears by making out I am money grabbing simply for trying to get financial security for my DC. I need to keep a 3 bed property whereas he only needs a one bed (I suspect he Will move in with OW) and he just doesn't get my worries about affording this on my own. It hurts so much that the man I gave my best years to could do this. I don't think I'll ever get over it.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 19/11/2018 17:06

@Twodrifters......I really hope this happens to me soon!!!

Original poster
nostaples · 19/11/2018 18:30

@saltandvinegarcrisps @Twodrifters me too for both of us!

OP posts:
MrsJonesAndMe · 19/11/2018 18:35

He clearly checked out ages ago, so while it's a new thing/shock to you, he's ready to move on.

Sorry Flowers

sixnearlyseven · 19/11/2018 18:44

He S probably told OW he's been seperate d for a while, maybe even that you left him.

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/11/2018 18:44

I am a woman and removed my ex husband of 15 years (2 kids) off all my social media. Blocked him and removed all trace of him off it. I didn't want Facebook memories popping up with him on.

It's my social media and I can do what I want. I also removed his family. It's not a case of erasing history. Everyone who knows me knows I was married. I am not hiding it. I just don't want to see it.

He sounds like a wanker. And I get why it's shocked you. But there's not always a set reason for it.

I do have to say, you need to tell you kids it's not their job to update you on his social media. That's not ok, the kids shouldn't be doing that.

lifebegins50 · 19/11/2018 19:07

Nostaples, how long was your H's previous marriage?

The ability to "discard" is common with people with narcisstic traits. Your success at work may have been a threat to his ego and he would prefer to find someone who flatters him.

My ex left with hardly anything and got very nasty over finances. He had thought he could walk off and still be whole financially and weirdly he wanted me to suffer from him leaving.
I was happy after he left as we all stopped walking on eggshells (the extent became apparent) but the divorce was super stressful as he was vicious and lied so blatantly. He became a person that I have zero respect for..like you he was married before and I suspect be did the same to her. There was no overlap so I didn't get the history only his view which I now cannot trust.

Try to get finances sorted quickly but be prepared for him to be completely unreasonable.

madcatladyforever · 19/11/2018 19:11

It is normal, my long term husband did exactly the same. Two years later he is miserable and wants to come home. Shame, as that isn't happening any time soon Grin and I am much, much happier.

lifebegins50 · 19/11/2018 19:16

I think the cartoon is accurate for the stages but timeframe is optimistic!

I don't think it's possible to move on until finances and divorce is done..each step is painful as you close chapters on your marriage but there is light at the end.
I think these men will regret their decisions which seems to be due to emotional immaturity - often trauma in childhood, need for ego boast and midlife crisis causing a panic about aging.

Original poster
nostaples · 19/11/2018 19:22

@lifebegins50 previous marriage only a couple of years and no children but it was same story - he just left with his car and erased her entirely. ILs did the same so I never saw her in RL or even a picture. He has left us once before when the children were little but came back after a few months. That won't happen this time. The eggshells ring true. Don't think it's about my success, think it's more the children getting older and having more in common with me so he's not the centre of all of our attention all the time. He cannot take any sort of challenge to his point of view and blows up easily. Also does not listen to people - interrupts and doesn't seem to hear what they are saying. Frequently says 'You think x or you're always doing y or you're saying z' when none of this is true. When asked if he can give me an example or to repeat back what I've actually said, he can't. He also doesn't seem to acknowledge what he says himself or how he says it. He never shouts for example although he does admit to 'raising his voice'. He said something to dd2 and then denied it.

OP posts:
springydaff · 20/11/2018 02:55

You can truly start living now this dead weight is out of your life.

I hope it isn't too long before you see that and experience it xx

Birdie6 · 20/11/2018 03:09

Yep, that's what they do. It's normal. Mine did it without taking anything - after a lot of years. He was also horrible to the kids and still is - it's like anything connected with me is tainted, and that includes DD and DS.

He even told them " it wouldn't surprise me if I turned out to be not your real father" , which was devastating to them even though it's patently obvious that they are his flesh and blood. They didn't beleive it but it hurt them enormously that he'd try to blacken my name like that to them.

Men seem to just want to hurt you as much as they can, either directly or through the kids. You just have to ride it out. Things do get better - they find someone else and you get shelved like an old book they don't want to read any more. Meantime you get to start a new life, and in time you get happy again. Good luck to you.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 20/11/2018 06:18

Nostaples, you describe my STBXH to a tee. The interruptions, the telling people what they thought... It suited me to be off his radar I must say. Now he's focusing it on me after a year's separation I feel intensely uncomfortable. (He wants to cowork on something but I already know from bitter experience that it is his way or nothing so am not playing). Bizarrely, you ought to make the most of being erased IMO.