Date nights- vital or not?

[Issy777]

Just in need of opinions/experiences really.
I have realised more so recently that me and dp haven't or don't go out together without the kids at all. I can say our last "date night" was about two years ago now before I came pregnant with 11 month old dd.

This is the norm for us tbf, on his part mostly. When we first had eldest dd we seemed to go out a lot more as my mum was very close with our dd n she would stay there anyway and as we were quite young at the time we did enjoy going out drinking or cinemas just little things but as the years went on it seemed to decrease which tbh I didn't mind but now we've had second dd I really feel it. I see all my friends with and without kids who constantly go on date nights weekly!! The odd one will sometimes say it's our date night after so long (like a month!)
I feel so odd. The thing is me and dp had a split when our eldest dd was 8 we spent a year apart n he was always out on dates with other women. Then when we got back together I fell pregnant with youngest dd quite quickly so we didn't have any time for going out. I've tried to mention it but tbf it's so hard as we both work and his parents look after dd twice a week and my parents once a week so he mentions it's unfair if we expect his parents to look after the kids as they'd need a "break" my mum lives quite far out so it'd take some organisation but clearly he's not bothered,

I think the MAIN problem is he works away often so he gets that "social" time with work colleagues n doesn't think much about it or care that we don't go out together. It really getting me down because I know it's not the fact that he DOESN'T like to go out - he did on the year we split up loads and admitted he liked watching live bands and going to restaurants

It's hurt me more that a colleague today has come out with that marriages/relationships are impossible to last if the couples don't "date night" !!

Just want to know what's normal or not. Does everyone with kids have date nights?? And how often?

I don't think relationships are impossible without date nights..... I think it's more about if you think YOUR relationship needs/requires them. What would you use your date night for?? If it's just drinking and letting your hair down, you could do that with girlfriends. If you use date nights to spend quality time together and really sit and talk, you can do that at home? Put kids to bed.... make a nice meal, couple of glasses of whatever and really talk.
It's all about what you think you and your partner need as a couple and what you need yourself as a woman and a tired mummy.....
Don't be too hard on yourself and compare your relationship to what others do, or say they do. Just do what makes you happy xx

For info.... me and my OH go out about once every 6 week ish..... it depends. Sometimes it's just us 2 sometimes it's with friends/other couples. Im happy to have date night at home on the sofa but going out gives me a sense of freedom from the kids as we usually have them all sleeping out (at Grandparents or with the eldest's dads)

Do you go out with your friends ?

I think it's really beneficial to the relationship to have some alone time especially when you have small kids, however obviously it's also alot more difficult to have alone time when you have small kids too, even more so if you don't have any family near by to babysit. I mean I think it would be really good for you if you could find a sitter once a week for a few hours or once every two weeks even. But yeah I mean just because you don't do it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed either though

Date nights - no but the ability to do things that you want to do outside of being a parent - yes (which can include date nights)

@MumOf5Monsters

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼 thank you for your response. This was perfect how you've worded it. That's exactly what I needed to hear really
I think we are the type of couple that could do with spending time together just having a drink when the kids have gone to bed. I am going to try this this weekend but it has comforted me hearing what you've said as I do feel like we're an odd couple.

Marriages need nurturing imo - it's hard to do that sometimes when your life is busy.
A chance to get dressed up /see dh dressed up and a change of scenery is vital ime.
Reminders of being yourself not just a dm /df are important.
However much you love your dc, taking time out to reconnect is doing them a favour really isn't it?

I make sure we get one around once a month,either a meal out or to friends for drinks.Its very important to us to have adult only time,a chance to flirt and not have to worry about day to day things just for a night.Weve been together for 6 years and have a ds.

I don’t think you have to go out to have date night but indonthinknits important to sit down together have a glass of wine and be you rather than just mum and dad.
It may sound odd but dh starts to bug me more when we’ve let alone time drift than when we spend some time with each other. I think it’s because I become bogged down with being mum all the time rather than me. We are far closer and far more physically affectionate too when we’ve spent time together. We don’t get the chance to go out very often but we do make the effort to sit down regularly have some wine and snacks and watch a movie and chat to each other.
I see how important it is more now as well my dc are growing up and it is only a couple of years before the first one may leave for uni if that’s what she does. I was always worried about getting to that stage and dh and I having nothing to talk about anymore.

@Issy777
Your not odd at all. I'm just grateful for my OH's sole company sometimes. My favourite times with him have been sat on the sofa, few too many wines and waffling absolute tripe, but feeling like we are properly connecting.
Little things make me happy.
My life advice is to always do what makes you and the people in your bubble happy.
I hope you have a lovely weekend. Get the kids in bed, get tipsy and enjoy each other 🥰🥰🥰

We never had date nights when ours were little. But we would put the kids to bed together and then go and cook together and sit at the table and eat and drink wine and actually talk to one another. The same as if you're in a restaurant without that added pressure of "this has to be romantic because its a DATE".

It's so, so, so important to spend time together as a couple. We've never referred to it as a date night but we do go out regularly or cook/have a drink together when DS is in bed. We also try to have a weekend or two away together every year. Happy marriage=happy family in our eyes.

Thanks so much for everyone's replies so far. It's interesting to see what other couples do rather than just the people I know of.

I never get to go out with my friends as I'm just too inundated with youngest dd. It's hard but do never encourages me or gives me a "night off" the last time I went for a coffee with friends was 6 months ago j I relied on my mum

It's nice to hear everyone's stories. Please can everyone comment as to how often they go out and who they use for babysitting, who initiates it?! Maybe I could show it to dp to encourage him haha

OP that is your issue - he has plenty of time off but doesnt feel the need to priortise spending time with you or letting you have time to yourself

yet his mum needs a break but you dont .......

Please can everyone comment as to how often they go out and who they use for babysitting, who initiates it?! Maybe I could show it to dp to encourage him haha

My kids are teenagers now so we don't need a baby sitter anymore so we get out probably once or twice a week, although we do both enjoy watching a film with a glass or 5 of wine aswell

When the kids needed babysitters we had a neighbours daughter who would babysit for us sometimes (for short nights out) and either my mom or his sister would baby sit on any over night occasions. I would say we went out once a week back then.

If babysitters are an issue you need to make time to go out yourself with your friends. You can still have a "date night" at home with your DH

We go out alone most weeks -every other week at the most. We go out as a couple at least once a month. Sometimes just us two and sometimes with friends. We both love going out and really value time with each other so both initiate nights out.

@BlaaBlaaBlaa

That's great! How many kids do you have? Is it easy to get a sitter?

I think the problem is dp works away so sometimes he can be away for a week and goes out with his colleagues when they finish for the day so eating out, drinking in bars etc so when he comes back doesn't do anything with me cos he's had his "fix" to put it bluntly.
If I mention it he will say "I've just been away, all I wanna do is spend time relaxing at home" that's basically how he puts it like he'd rather be at home as he doesn't get to do that in hotel rooms.
It's really upsetting for me because I do feel neglected but sometimes I think well I should stay put as apiary from that he does act loving n seem like he wants to time with me as a family so I should be happy with this instead of making an argument??

Apart*

We have a 4 year old. MiL is fab and babysits when she can but she travels a lot! SIL is pretty good too and we reciprocate so it evens out. On my DHs side there are 9 grandkids and my ILs are happy to have a few at a time! If we're really desperate my best friend steps in and will happily have my DS sleep over - she has kids the same age.
I realise how lucky we are.

My ex was very much like your DH. I hated feeling like second best.

If I mention it he will say "I've just been away, all I wanna do is spend time relaxing at home" that's basically how he puts it like he'd rather be at home as he doesn't get to do that in hotel rooms.

I understand why he'd feel like just being home if he's away that much and you can't really be annoyed at him socialising while he's away if he has no choice but to be away for work. Having said that what you should say to him is - I get why you'd prefer to be home having been in hotels for the last while however on the flipside because you've been away I've been stuck in and really need to get out of the house so I'm meeting friends tonight to see a film/have a drink/go for a meal

If he likes to stay in when he's home, why not arrange an at home date night for you two?

me and my partner have ‘date nights’ every friday night when our two boys spend the night at my mum and dad’s. most of the time we end up ordering a takeaway, watching a box set, and having an early night if we go out we normally go the pictures or for a few drinks and a meal. we’ve just had a baby though so probably no date nights for a while. i love our date nights, it’s nice to catch up with each other without being focused on the kids and i definitely think it helps our relationship.

DH and I don't go out very often just the two of us. Our DC are older than yours, but still too young to leave on their own, and getting a babysitter makes it quite expensive. Maybe about twice in the last year.

However, we do make an effort to eat supper together at the kitchen table (we don't usually eat with the DC, as DH gets home from work too late) and have a chat, and then watch TV together. I try not to go on my phone too much in the evenings (he's much less addicted to his phone than I am).

To me, it's about quality time together, whether that's inside or outside the house.

I've been with my oh 12 yrs we have 4 dc, we haven't been out for at least a year just the 2 of us and as a family in July! His mom would come and have the kids if we needed her to but we moved house in August and she says she can't get here so now there's no chance! He works and goes to the gym 3 times a week so he does have his time but I'm with the kids all the time! I sometimes go out with my sisters or my friend but in actual fact I want to spend some quality time with him but he doesn't want to anything