Date nights- vital or not?

[Issy777]

Just in need of opinions/experiences really.
I have realised more so recently that me and dp haven't or don't go out together without the kids at all. I can say our last "date night" was about two years ago now before I came pregnant with 11 month old dd.

This is the norm for us tbf, on his part mostly. When we first had eldest dd we seemed to go out a lot more as my mum was very close with our dd n she would stay there anyway and as we were quite young at the time we did enjoy going out drinking or cinemas just little things but as the years went on it seemed to decrease which tbh I didn't mind but now we've had second dd I really feel it. I see all my friends with and without kids who constantly go on date nights weekly!! The odd one will sometimes say it's our date night after so long (like a month!)
I feel so odd. The thing is me and dp had a split when our eldest dd was 8 we spent a year apart n he was always out on dates with other women. Then when we got back together I fell pregnant with youngest dd quite quickly so we didn't have any time for going out. I've tried to mention it but tbf it's so hard as we both work and his parents look after dd twice a week and my parents once a week so he mentions it's unfair if we expect his parents to look after the kids as they'd need a "break" my mum lives quite far out so it'd take some organisation but clearly he's not bothered,

I think the MAIN problem is he works away often so he gets that "social" time with work colleagues n doesn't think much about it or care that we don't go out together. It really getting me down because I know it's not the fact that he DOESN'T like to go out - he did on the year we split up loads and admitted he liked watching live bands and going to restaurants

It's hurt me more that a colleague today has come out with that marriages/relationships are impossible to last if the couples don't "date night" !!

Just want to know what's normal or not. Does everyone with kids have date nights?? And how often?

If he likes being at home suggest he stays in while you have some time off! Honestly I think you would benefit from time away whatever you choose to do.

@niceupthedance

He plays the guilt trip n says he wants to spend time together or "As a family"

That's always his words

So he tells you what he wants, does what you want not matter?

Your dp is simply a lazy husband.
My ex was the same, any date nights or overnights in a hotel were initiated and organized by me. Don't get me wrong, he enjoyed these as he was spoilt in every way , but it simply didn't occur to him that time out to just be a couple was important enough to bother with if he had to organize it. The last 2 yrs we were together I made a decision to not organize anything and leave it to him, guess what? Yep, he couldn't be bothered and it became obvious he was happy to completely veg out and take his family for granted. Since we separated I now regularly go out with friends and am having a ball when he has dc at his.
Wanting to spend time together as a couple is essential to keep the spark alive, even if it's staying in, he could easily bring home some nice wine, order a takeaway and arrange for the kids to go to grandparents. Spell it out to him, op, before you feel resentful at being taken for granted.

I think he is more than lazy I think he is controlling - his mum needs a break, family time

He should watch dc while you go out occasionally.
I think it's important to spend time together, not particularly a date or a night, could be lunch, walk in the park, anything, even with kids, but just something you do together that breaks the routine and is a chance to appreciate life.

He'd be very funny if I went out and expected him to watch the kids unfortunately. I guess he is very traditional in that way and hasn't ever offered to have the kids, he also sees it as offensive id "go out without him"

It's sad because I'd be happy if we just went out together as a couple but doesn't ever make the effort

@Ruddygreattiger2016

This is a great insight. Sadly, I can see why you had to this. Many of a times I've been tempted

Ironically, we split up a few years back as it was this kind of thing that wore me down. We just never went out, and when I started to go out, had a hobby he didn't like it which caused loads of friction.

We then got back together n I by the grace of God (after being told I'd be infertile) got pregnant quite sudden so it was basically back together with a baby on the way n decided to concentrate and embrace that
But now dd is almost one year I feel it's getting back to how it was before sadly

@monty09

I feel your pain and you're very tolerant with him going gym three times a week. I did go to the gym but we agreed only once a week for both of us as it covered having the kids

Now. Everything's such a hassle. I do feel for you. I also feel the same as you just wanting to spend time as a couple

@Trinity66

I'm not annoyed at him for socialising whilst he's away! I'm annoyed he doesn't seem to want to "socialise" with me! As a couple! I've learnt to get used to him working away, there isn't much I can do. But I do feel because he gets that time away fine dining In Restaurants (as they get a huge food allowance when working away) that this kind of replaces his need to go out for a meal with me!

Tbh, id be happy with just a drink in the local pub and a takeaway on the way home!

@sunshineandshowers21

This is brilliant! I'm sure you know how lucky you are, I don't think I'd be able to get a babysitter once a month let alone once a week! How old are your boys-?
And congrats on new baby, do you plan to go on date nights when baby is older?
My dd will be one in a few weeks and we've not yet had a date night since she's been born

Why would be funny about looking after his own children for a few hours? Does he have a condition that would make it difficult in particular?

I'm being a little bit facetious asking that. I'm sure you've mentioned before that he is basically a bit sexist. Does he think it's not his "place"?

@Dirtybadger

Yes that's exactly it! He isn't a hands on dad, he works long hours and would mention this be it an excuse or not. Also, he'd make me feel guilty for going out as in making comments he's tired, just little things like comments about whT he should make them. Honestly, it's a nightmare

But I can't complain. I come from a culture where that's acceptable. My mum was the same with my dad. So she's no support as she'll just say, "oh come on he'll be tired do you really need to go out with your friends?" If I ever relay the problem to her.

By posting on MN, I've realised how taboo this is. It actually makes me ashamed of how the situation is...

I'm not annoyed at him for socialising whilst he's away! I'm annoyed he doesn't seem to want to "socialise" with me! As a couple! I've learnt to get used to him working away, there isn't much I can do. But I do feel because he gets that time away fine dining In Restaurants (as they get a huge food allowance when working away) that this kind of replaces his need to go out for a meal with me!

Tbh, id be happy with just a drink in the local pub and a takeaway on the way home!

Oh sorry, I didn't mean for my post to come across that way, I was just thinking out loud really What you've said there is perfectly reasonable, have you said it straight to him like that? And if so and he still comes back with "but I want to be home" then I think he's being very selfish and uncaring towards you and what you need. Like he's had his fill so fuck you almost?

But I can't complain.

Yes you can and yes you should! It drives my insane that sexist attitude. I never understand how men like this rationalise it in their heads unless they truly believe that they are superior to women. "Not a hands on dad" I mean seriously??? How is it acceptable for a parent to not be hands on?

I think your biggest problem is that he's not a good parent or partner. I wouldn't want to go on date nights with someone who made an issue out of looking after their own children.

I know it's just so hard to broach the subject in fear of it turning to an argument.

Other than that, he can be very loving and likes to spend time as a family. He doesn't go out drinking or stay away only when he's working from home which isn't his choice.

Sometimes you just need to put your point across