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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What sort of relationship did you have with your ILs post split?

36 replies

nostaples · 19/11/2018 07:45

Have been with dh for 20 years and have two children in their mid teens who live with me. They don't live nearby. No contact since the split from any of them though I contacted them. Would you say this is normal? FWIW, split was instigated by dh, initially pursuing another woman and then being an arse more generally.

OP posts:

BatshitCrazyWoman · 19/11/2018 08:01

I never spoke to MIL again, or ex's brothers or sisters. Am good friends with ex's brothers' ex-wives though - the whole family is spectacularly narcissistic, so we compare notes and support each other in dealing with the fallout of divorcing narcissistic men.

Notnowok · 19/11/2018 08:12

My ex mil sends me cards but otherwise no contact at all with my large family of ex in-laws after knowing them for 21 years. I was pleased though as I didn't think it fair to my exh to try and be friends with his family.

Standinguptononsense · 19/11/2018 08:14

Bat shit crazy..... Sounds like my exs family. I haven't spoke to any of them since the day I escaped. Including the abuse I received when they saw me out and about.

RagingWhoreBag · 19/11/2018 08:19

That’s really sad, presuming you had a decent relationship with them before the split.

I keep in touch with mine, when we first split they sent an email to me and XH saying they would always consider me their DIL and that they love us both, but thought the split sounded more like his fault!

They still send me birthday money and we all go out together on the DCs’ birthdays. They even invited me to their anniversary party. If XH had still been with his GF I imagine it might have been different but as he was single and I have a DP but not married, they include me in family things.

It’s nice for the DCs (and me of course) but I can kind of understand why split loyalties might mean other families don’t do this.

LittleCandle · 19/11/2018 08:26

XH's niece tried a couple of times to be nice to me, but since she had been a complete cow to me for all 22 years of the marriage, I wasn't playing ball. SIL was vile to a friend of mine when she rang to tell SIL of my DF's death (he was very friendly with them) and SIL further bullied DD2 after inviting both DC for the weekend and DD2 was bullied into going by XH. DD2 and I are completely non-contact - DD1 crawls up their arses, but they give her money. TBF, they give DD2 money, too, but she wants nothing to do with them. I, of course, am the absolute pits. I have no idea what XH told them, but I know it was a long way from the truth.

Notacluewhatthisis · 19/11/2018 08:33

No contact at all. Can't really think why there would be.

We got on when me and exh were together. But it's his family. He has a new girlfriend and I can imagine it, could, cause problems if they were still treating me like one of the family.

They are decent to the kids, they are still the kids grandparents. But they aren't my in laws anymore.

Original poster

nostaples · 19/11/2018 08:36

Thanks all. Must say I find it quite hurtful. Feel like they've pretended to care about me (and the dds) all this time but now it looks like they don't care at all. Can't imagine doing that in the same situation.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 19/11/2018 08:39

I heard twice off my H;s nephew, both times was when someone had died.

Pinkmonkeybird · 19/11/2018 09:21

I wasn't married to my ex, but had a very good relationship with his parents. They were fantastic to my son and daughter, however since I have left (a month ago) his mother quickly turned on me. She is in denial about her little soldier being a cheat and thinks the OW is 'just a friend'. His dad, I was closer to and I think he definitely realises what a shit his son has been towards me. I only communicate through his dad as a lot of my belongings are still at the property I shared with the ex. I move into my new house in a few weeks time. To be honest I don't quite know what to do after that. I will probably keep in touch with his dad as he has been so kind throughout. His mother did message me a few weeks ago on whatsapp to ask how my DD was and hasn't replied since.

Original poster

nostaples · 19/11/2018 09:39

Thanks all. Have just realized that he's defriended me from his Facebook (all of his family still have me as a friend although now wondering how much longer that will go on). Also found out he's friended the woman he was chasing so I guess he's going to get with her now. Having him defriend me one of the worst things so far as it's like i never even existed.

OP posts:

Alsonification · 19/11/2018 09:44

I was with my ex just under 8 years, married less than 2. He had an affair while I was pregnant on our second child. His parents & brother were & still are, absolutely amazing. They completely took my side & were so supportive. I can never thank them enough. Even now, over 16 years later we still go to them every second Friday for dinner or they come to me (we live a 45 min drive away). They also have Christmas dinner with myself & my parents & family every year & we go to them on Stephens day & then go to the panto every year. My ex BIL is an amazing uncle & the kids have both said on different occasions that they wish he was their dad instead.
In my opinion, unless the in laws were awful to me or my kids, I see no reason to cut them out of their grandchildren’s lives. They didn’t do anything on me & are not to blame for their sons actions.

Original poster

nostaples · 19/11/2018 09:47

Alsonification, it's good to hear a positive experience and glad you've managed to maintain a positive relationship.

OP posts:

PolkaDoting · 19/11/2018 10:03

Totally normal to have zero contact I think.

Alsonification · 19/11/2018 10:05

@nostaples they are great people so it’s very easy to keep it positive. Other people don’t always have the same experience.

PolkaDoting · 19/11/2018 10:05

Alsonification, surely it’s for their father to organise contact between the DC and his family, don’t see why that would be your role?

dulcefarniente · 19/11/2018 10:06

Domineering exMIL blamed me for xh shagging around and completely condoned his cocklodging. Ex FIL initially said xh disgusted him and that he wouldn't have anything to do with the OW but they were posting happy family shots with the OW within weeks.

Ex MIL demanded my presence at a family wedding a few months after the split. They were going to sit with my dc and I was expected to sit at the back with some randoms and take the dc home afterwards. I told them there was no way I was going and that infuriated ex MIL.

Relationship is still tricky with ex MIL abusing me and my family when she doesn't get her own way. Stuck with it until dc old enough to make their own decisions.

Lizzie48 · 19/11/2018 10:11

My DSis has no contact at all with her ex ILs, but the marriage was abusive and his family closed ranks after the split.

OTOH, her current DH still sees a lot of his ex MIL, as he was a single dad for some years and she was always very involved in the care of his DS, due to his XW not really having bonded with him. (That's not the case now.)

Although my DSis's DSS is an adult now, they still have a good relationship with her and DSIs's DC actually call her 'Granny (First Name)', in the same way DSS calls my DM 'Granny'.

Clearly, every family is different.

ajandjjmum · 19/11/2018 10:13

Maybe because Alsonification actually likes her in-laws?

Athena51 · 19/11/2018 10:18

My lovely FIL died shortly before we split but although ex-mil and I got on really well and still exchange birthday and Christmas cards we haven't seen or spoken to each other in the years since.

In some ways it's a shame but both ex-h and I have new partners and we've all moved on with our lives. Ex-h and family obviously maintained contact with DS but he was a teenager when we spilt and is now grown up so I haven't needed to be involved with that.

EnglishRose1320 · 19/11/2018 10:25

I'm in this situation from the other side, my bloody arse of a brother left his lovely wife for someone else. We still see his ex wife, my whole family do. When he meet her he bought her into our family, we are not going to chuck her our just because of his poor behaviour. It's a little less now than when they first split because she has received married (we were invited to the wedding) and she has new in-laws so we have given her space to let those relationships develop but we are all here if she needs us and will always do birthdays/Christmas etc.

GreenDinosaur · 19/11/2018 10:27

I stayed in touch with my ex's family for a while, I think they would have kept it up but I let it drift as we had no kids and I wanted to move on. They were amazing people though and I still really miss them.

My current MIL is a different kettle of fish. I'd bloody love to never have to speak to the old bag ever again!!
It's almost worse leaving DH for!

I guess your PIL are trying to be loyal to their son but it's harsh if you've always got on.

Tbh, if DS marries someone I don't like, I think I'll try to pretend to get on with her to keep the peace. What else are you supposed to do?
I wouldn't want to risk never seeing DS and any grandchildren but it must be tricky.

GreenDinosaur · 19/11/2018 10:34

In that scenario, hopefully I'd find something to like, like the fact that she loved my DS and made him happy but if they split up, I wouldn't feel the need to keep making so much effort to force a relationship.

The in-law situation is so difficult, a new family member is brought in by one individual and everyone else has to find a way to rub along together with this person they may have nothing in common with.

I'm assuming they see your DC when your ex has access OP?

flissfloss65 · 19/11/2018 10:37

I get on very well with my ex in-laws. At first we had little contact but they really helped me over a few difficult situations and a true friendship blossomed.

Since then we see each other regularly. In fact I’m closer to them now than when I was married to their son.

Alsonification · 19/11/2018 10:54

@PolkaDoting yes you would think that except for many years he cut his parents off. He used to do this on & off when we were together but it got worse after because he moved straight in with the OW & she is poison.

@ajandjjmum yes I do really like them & we are very good friends.

scotgal2017 · 19/11/2018 11:30

STBXH left me and kids nearly 18 months ago after 20 year relationship (17 married). We were living abroad and I did not hear anything from IL's or SILs. I woul have at least expected ILs to be in contacts with their DGCs (oldest has WA on her mobile) and they spent time with their father in his property, so i was quite shocked to hear from DD one day that GPs had not contacted with of my Dcs in the 5 months since he left (at that point) - not even a text message, birthday card nothing. I was livid, I quite accept it may be awkward to speak to me but they had direct communication opportunities with my Dcs without my involvement. It disgusts me that at a time when your grandchildren probably need your support the most they didn't bother their arses. I cut all his family out after that, especially MIl as she came away with the most feeble excuses as to why she hadn't been in contact with them. Dcs are old enough to decide whether they have a relationship with Gps (and they do) but I am not involved with any of STBXH's family at all.

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