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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's the end isn't it

47 replies

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 18/11/2018 22:37

Long story so bear with me

Been with DP 3 years. I have DD 4 he has D's 14 who has ( undiagnosed ASD ).
DP has DS EOW Fri teatime and drops back at mums 25 miles away) at 7pm Sunday.
I have worked really hard at getting DS to like me ( listened and given advice when he's confided in me about issues at school ) respected his privacyand accepted his moods and tantrums.
However, this weekend I've had enough. DP helped sponsor a film - if it was ever made his name would be on the credits and he got free tickets.
This was this weekend ( his weekend with DS). I said I would look after DS whilst he went to see film ( 40 miles each way so 3 hours Inc film)
Took DD and DS swimming then to mine. Decided to go out for tea so asked DD to choose 2 options DS 2 and me 2. Told them we would roll a dice and whichever number came up would go with that option. Rolled a 2 which was DDs choice. Cue DS having strop as he's had that option Pizza Hut twice already this week. He strops upstairs, rings his mum who comes to collect him. Ds mum annoyed as DP left DS in my care on HIS weekend. DP finally responded to my calls - gets stressed, says this is not working and ends it. 1 hour later comes to.mine and says he's sorry and didn't mean it. I've had enough ( am still angry about it tbh ). WWYD?

OP posts:

Thehop · 18/11/2018 22:42

You don’t have a stepson problem you have a partner problem.

I’d distance yourself for a while and do some thinking about what you get from the relation and wether you want him.

surlycurly · 18/11/2018 22:42

I'm sorry but I'd bale. Dumping you because his teenage son had a strop is not adult behaviour. Mum should also have refused to pick him up and let you deal with it if you're in charge. It sounds like she is happy to sabotage your attempts to bond with him. Between the two I'd run a mile.

Sillysausage12345 · 18/11/2018 22:43

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, just tried to make dinner a fun thing.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/11/2018 22:47

It sounds like fairly normal teething problems with a stepfamily. He will grow to like you better in time.

And tbh I would resent having the same fast food three times in a week. A kid who's eating Domino's that frequently is not being well cared for.

Perhaps when you see him next say that you know you're not his mum but when he's at your place he plays by your rules. And maybe add a one time veto to the dice game. That way no one would have to eat anything they really disliked.

Original poster

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 18/11/2018 22:50

prawn- He will grow to like you better in time. It's been 3 years!!!!!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2018 22:53

If you take him back he’ll do this again. Horrible childish way to behave.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/11/2018 22:53

I would end this OP nobody is supporting you NOBODY

MMmomDD · 18/11/2018 23:05

OP - this is but one incident.
How is the rest of the relationship?
If happy otherwise - ending over this seems silly.
If you aren’t happy otherwise - then you don’t need an excuse.

Original poster

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 18/11/2018 23:27

Similar happens nearly every visit apart from DS doesn't call his mum.

I know what I need to do but I'm.just thinking Xmas just me and DD.......
Where can I buy a pair of big girl pants please!

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2018 23:36

I’m lending you some OP. They’ve got me through some trying times!

You don’t have to end it. But if changes aren’t made, and you’re 3 years in so it’s unlikely now, he’ll just do it again and you’ll be constantly on edge waiting for him to bail. That’s unhealthy and stressful for you and not good for your DD either. You might feel better making the decision yourself and leading events rather than being at the mercy of his whims.

Christmas would be fine though And the prospect of not having your weekends ruined by the fucked up dynamic of your DP, his ex and their son is probably pretty great...

MMmomDD · 18/11/2018 23:43

So, OP - you want to break up with your bf because his 14yo throws tantrums?
You do realise that he is a teenager, and as you mention possibly on a spectrum.
🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

While you don’t need to justify the reason why you want out of a relationship - but this alone seems perplexing....
You said nothing about your bf and how the relationship is.
Surely - teenage behaviour EOW isn’t all there is to it??

Lookatyourwatchnow · 18/11/2018 23:47

It's not just DC throwing tantrums though is it? It's the fact that if he doesn't get his way, he will effectively set his mum on OP, and OP's partner may dump her. She will feel too scared to even speak for fear of what drama may ensue. Totally unacceptable behaviour from both DSS's parents

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/11/2018 23:49

^ well said.

blackcat86 · 19/11/2018 00:08

Dumping you and then turning up is really teenage behaviour by DP and I just couldn't live like that. If DH wanted to end our relationship (even pre marriage) then fine but I would have expected him to put a lot of thought into it and be very clear that it's what he wants. I can't believe that DSSs mum turned up in an argument about pizza although as people have said having takeout pizza x3 in a week is ridiculous and not a good diet.

Mrstobe90 · 19/11/2018 00:15

He dumped you because you were trying to talk to him about a situation that upset you?

That sounds really pathetic! He needs to grow up and start supporting you.
You were trying to do a nice thing for HIS child.

Is your relationship otherwise a good one?

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/11/2018 00:20

Well I would have just asked him where he wanted to eat given as you only have him EOW but that aside, it sounds like your OH was really unsupportive.

I'd be concerned for him in terms of stress though, it sounds like a stress reaction but quite and irrational and extreme one - have you been having any other trouble in the relationship?

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 19/11/2018 00:42

OP I think your DP massively overreacted, however, I imagine he had an earful from ds mum and his reaction when speaking to you may have been his way of blowing off steam.

The following stood out to me in your post...

Told them we would roll a dice and whichever number came up would go with that option

I have a 12 year old with asd and that thing with the dice (although a great idea and a fair way to make decisions) would have been enough to bring my house down.
Many aspies do not like random events and many do not like to lose, some like my lovely son are absolute control freaks who want it their way and literally do not care if it inconveniences anyone else!
You are in no way to blame for his outburst, you were just trying to be fair. I expect his mum wasnt pleased at having him returned and possibly took it out on your dp?

If the boy is going to be left in your care again then you absolutley need to know what is likely to trigger his tantrums/meltdowns.
In fact its essential so you are able to avoid or if necessary protect your child!
His parents are responsible for telling you these things.
In the past i've actually written a mini manual for anyone who has dared to have my son for a few hours. It lists triggers, meanings behind certain behaviours, and the calming techniques we use etc etc

I really hope you and dp can sort it all out.
xx

AgentJohnson · 19/11/2018 03:20

How did your now Ex manage his son’s ASD? As soon as you mentioned the dice I thought this isn’t going to end well. Secondly, I know you were only trying to help but contact is contact and is about contact between a parent and child and especially with a child with suspected ASD it was his responsibility, not yours.

I couldn’t be doing with your Ex’s petulance and fully understand the boy’s mother’s frustration when she expected that her son was in the care of his father in the limited time he spends with him, only to find out that he wasn’t.

What support did your Ex give you in understanding and managing his ASD, after three years I would have expected there to be some understanding of the boys needs and given the way this played out, it doesn’t sound like there was.

blackcat86 · 19/11/2018 04:39

You say that DSS has ASD that is undiagnosed. What is his mother's thoughts on this? Has he been assessed?

Rachelover40 · 19/11/2018 04:44

Goodness only knows why people get involved with potential partners who have school age children. A recipe for - NIGHTMARES.

Your ex is the one who needs to step in here.

Did you see the film with step son's name on credits? Sorry, I got confused.

Original poster

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 19/11/2018 19:00

Tbh this is the last straw. Similar things happen all the time.
Today has been hard. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier........

OP posts:

Thebluedog · 19/11/2018 19:26

It’ll be easier by not having to deal with two teenagers

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2018 19:32

Your partner dumped his kid on you then dumped you when thr kid stropped off, and the kid has already had Pizza Hut twice this week and was getting it for the third time, so basically every other dinner.

No wonder he's stroppy, does anyone give a shit about that kid?

Groovee · 19/11/2018 19:36

How are you today @Iamtheoneandonly2018?

Original poster

Iamtheoneandonly2018 · 19/11/2018 19:56

Today 19:32 Bluntness100

No wonder he's stroppy, does anyone give a shit about that kid?*

I didnt know - I don't quiz him about his meals afaik his mum v rarely takes him out - apparently he spends every weekend and holiday he's with her in his room.

OP posts:

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