I went on a "not a date" which felt like a date. Does this guy like me?

[DateNotDate]

So I've liked a guy at the gym for over a year. Beginning of the year I thought he was quite flirty with me, told me I looked great, asked if I was single, said I was lovely, etc. I thought he was interested and was going to ask me out and he didn't but I thought he was a bit shy or wasn't sure if I was interested. So I texted him and asked him out but he said he'd just started seeing someone and couldn't.

I wasn't sure if it was an excuse but turns out he'd definetely started seeing someone. I carried on seeing him at the gym fairly frequently in the same classes and we'd chat and get on. Things didn't go as well with his girlfriend as he'd wanted it to and that's been cooler with his gf since the summer and he's definitely single as of a few weeks ago.

Then last week after class he asked if I wanted to go to the cinema with him that evening. We'd not eaten so ended up having dinner first and then the cinema. He didn't know what was on at the cinema so it's not as if he had a particular film he was desperate to see. As we left the gym someone who had clicked what was happening said to him "are you two going on a date" and he said no, we're just friends.

We had a great evening, we have loads in common and couldn't stop chatting over the meal. When I dropped him off back at his car there was no hint of him wanting to kiss me but I guess I was being equally reserved. He kind of gently elbowed me in my ribs and said he'd had a nice time. That was Weds.

Then Friday after a class he stayed with me and my two (female) friends for drinks at the gym after class and we were all chatting for a couple of hours. He had caught me at the end of class and asked if I was staying for a drink and I said I was but meeting my friends (who he knows) but was welcome to stay. So he did.

Then yesterday at the end of class I moaned to him that my friends weren't there and I normally have lunch with them on a Saturday. And he said he wasn't eating but would hang out with me while I had lunch. And again, we had a nice time chatting.

So part of me thinks he wouldn't be so keen to hang out if he wasn't interested. But he said it wasn't a date. Didn't make any sort of move. We get on really well but he's recently split up.....I don't think he's the sort of person who would use someone to make an ex jealous, etc but accept he could be lonely/sad and just wanting company?

What do people think? I can't ask him out again after already been blown out once.

He hadn't officially asked you on a date - he asked you out in a vague way so that it could or could not be a date depending on how well it went - so he couldn't call it a date to a third party in front of you, could he? Like he was telling them but not you? Poor bloke was probably really embarrassed to be put on the spot!

I'm erring on the side of clumsy not arsehole.

I think he likes you. Kiss him I'm bored

That is very true. I guess he couldn't say it was a date in case I disagreed with that.

I probably didn't help myself at that point by backing him up /echoing him in agreement to this person that it wasn't a date and we were friends. Agghhh. Trying to be cool and maybe I've been too cool.

Hmmm. I saw on fb the other week that he was disappointed to miss a fireworks display. There's a fireworks display near me in a couple of weeks, maybe I should ask him if he want to come?

I do think he's a genuinely nice, kind of old fashioned person.

A recently single female friend of mine is having fun having one night stands and while he said if she's happy then good for her he said he couldn't understand people who have casual sex. I don't think he's a player. But I am worried it might be a kind of rebound thing for him. He's possibly heartbroken and I'm close by and have previously expressed an interest?

But god no I can't kiss him, he really needs to make the first move now.

Oh and I saw him thurs night while I was waiting for a friend in the bar and he came over and asked how long she would be. I said another 30 mins and he said he couldn't stay to keep me company as had to go and then patted me on the shoulder and left. Guys don't pat women on the shoulder unless they're interested do they?

did you post about him before think i rememeber
reading it. i dont know what to make of it as all seems just friendly so far!

Sorry but I don't think he's that interested. He's happy to have you around when he wants to do something - now he doesn't have a girlfriend. But if he was really interested you'd KNOW it - regular messages, asking to see you soon after he's just seen you etc.

See where it goes, but this doesn't scream that he's looking for anything. Plus sounds like he wanted it to work with his girlfriend, so he's probably still processing that breakup.

I possibly posted last Feb when I was trying to work out then if he liked me! I feel I'm no further forward but at least now we're hanging out quite a bit which we weren't before.

Well that's what I thought about the cinema, that he just wanted some company.

But today he was only keeping me company and didn't have to.

If he is interested he will make a pass at you. He knows you fancy him as you have told him. He has had opportunity but hasn't made a move. So in the kindest possible way, look elsewhere. You have been too available, in the past got friendzoned and now he is man on the rebound.

He should make you feel special and the centre of his attention not confused and fretting about hands on shoulders.

I wouldn't read too much into the patting on the shoulder thing, that's a more friendly thing to do, not a flirty thing. I'm not sure though, I think you can only really wait and see. He told you no last time so it has to come from him this time. Make sure he's not just using you to fill a gap left by his ex.

Think you're right. Think I've been friend zoned.

Oh well, onwards and upwards. Thanks.

Yes to the firework display. Then maybe say something like "Wasn't it funny when X asked if we were going on a date - I said no, but actually I wasn't sure if it was a date or not!" - giving him a chance to say (if he's quickwitted) that he wasn't sure either ... or leading up to you saying "After you said no last time, I didn't want to risk asking you again, ha ha!" - again, giving him an opening ..,

(Sounds to me like he thinks he's been friendzoned too, and is also not sure whether you're interested.)

Hang on you don't know for a fact if he has friend zoned you. Equally you don't know if he wants to be more than just friends. Life is too short to waste it on "what does it mean" type of questions.

Just have a frank conversation with him. Then you will know and hopefully it will be reciprocal, because it is clear you really like him. Worth a shot for that reason alone.

thought it rang a bell, well i agree with the last posters sounds
more like friends, he obviously isnt that shy as he got into the relationship before.

Guys don't pat women on the shoulder unless they're interested do they?

Eh??? Of course they do. What a weird thing to write. Patting someone on the shoulder isn't some secret code code "I fancy you". I think you're grasping at straws OP.

I don’t think he’s that interested. You seem to be plan B.

He chose his ex over you. Now he’s spending time with you but it’s not a date.

You feel like a fill in to me.

Keeping you company is just that, he was probably bored and now has a lot of free time too seeing as he doesn't have a gf.

Probably looking for an ego boost too, and he knows you like him so that makes him feel good, especially now he's newly single.

Maybe he'll pursue things until they get physical, but clearly if he's just come out of something there is nothing more to this.

Focus on other men!

Are you sure his last girlfriend was a girlfriend and not a boyfriend? Some gay men can be attentive and affectionate with women friends, but not want a romantic relationship.

My concern with letting this situation run is that he'll meet someone and start spending his free time with her, and you'll be "gym buddy" again, and very disappointed.

Talk to him, frankly.

Or you’ll end up as a fuck buddy without gf status.

Was a gf not a bf for sure.

Yeah, I think I'm running the risk of being mates with him and then watching him find someone else.

He's a few years younger than me and has previously only dated/being interested in women younger than him so I keep convincing myself he wouldn't be interested in someone 5 years older than him. Plus he's super fit and I'm not as fit and I think he wants someone more his level.

So I keep convincing myself he will never be interested and also feel I can't ask a second time without coming across like a desperate stalker.

But then one of my friends said seeing as he must know I like him/liked him he wouldn't ask me out again unless he was interested? I don't think he's the sort of guy to use someone for an ego boost but who knows? I certainly don't think he's into fuck buddys.

The only reason not to do some serious flirting / asking him out would be if you like him so much that you want him to be your friend, and think that he might be scared off of that if you ask for more.