What is this??? Mil behaviour that baffles me

[Mummydearest12]

Ok so mil is very difficult generally. I am trying my best but her newest slight is to seek me out if we are in a group or sit next to me at meals- ask me questions and then as soon as I say a few word turns and completely ignore me . If I then turn away and talk to somebody else she will repeat the question and sometimes listen to the answer or sometimes just turn away again. I am not going on and on as I sometimes haven’t yet even open my mouth... I feel like she is daring me to be offended- is that crazy?

FYI by a few words I literally mean ‘oh yes well.....’

That is bizarre behaviour

What does your H make of his mother's behaviour towards you?. He is also key here.

Why are you seeing her at all if she is this rude towards you?. Would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not. Leave her to her power and control games.

Just move somewhere else, she sounds batshit

Oh you need to call this out. It’s bizarre and will mess with your head.

Next social event, seek her out before she can buttonhole you. Be direct, but smiley. Say ‘DH and I were discussing how often this strange thing has happened in groups with you- apparently other people have been noticing it too. We wanted to mention it to you directly in case there’s a simple explanation? I honestly don’t know what to tell people when they ask...’ and then outline it in two sentences.

Her choices will be to tell you you’re dreaming it (but stop doing it), acknowledge it honestly (unlikely), or get offended herself (which will still stop her doing it in the future). I reckon you’ll win either way. These sneaky, sly little strategies need a lot of smiley directness aimed at them. They shrivel and die in the light.

Definitely call it out. If you like you can do it under the guise of concern for her wellbeing.

‘We’ve noticed you’ve been having trouble concentrating on conversations and other people have started mentioning it to us. Would you like us to help you talk to the doctor about it?’

OP - why do you care so much?
She is unlikely to change.
Just either avoid sitting next to her, or ignore the games you think she is playing. (Which she might not, maybe she is just that way, we don’t know her)
Answer - yes/no, and continue your conversations with others. And if she interrupts again - say - hang on, will get back to you.
Don’t play a passive victim.
And don’t waste your life on these games.

Oh dear, this would appear to be a passive aggressive way to punish you or highlight to you that on some occasion you did this to her. Unintentionally, as in you asked her a question then got distracted. Perhaps to give attention to a child or something more that needed immediate action.

Crikey it must be exhausting for her to keep it up. Almost amusing when you reason it why. She is basically emotionally immature and doesn’t have very good ways of asserting herself. So yes, you need to challenge but do it in an assertive but good natured way. There is no need to race to the bottom with this type of behaviour

Both you and your husband have to ask he if she is aware she is doing this and explain that you find it confusing. Let her explain and then resolve without apology.

There could be a medical issue and you might not be the only one, so approach in a mindful way.

I spoke to dh and he said she was doing it to him too. Undoubtedly I will have been distracted by the children at some point but that’s kinda part and parcel of having very young children. It’s definitely on purpose.... I see her as little as possible but am breastfeeding so otherwise she wouldn’t see her grandchild.

She also always gets me a present of some kind if I express a dislike for something- eg ‘ I have put ornaments away as baby is grabbing them. She will hear me say this to someone and then buy me an ornament in the first available place we come to or next time I see her. Then expect to be thanked profusely in front of everyone...

You and your husband need to speak to her. Just ask her if she is aware of it. Try to be kind and mindful. She might have cognitive issue, for example early signs of dementia or another problem.

My DM only knows how to transmit (usually gossip) she has no interest in anything I have to say ever because I refuse to gossip information she can then share with anyone she meets.

Going deaf?? If it's just you and dh then obviously not. But watch her with others and see if she does the same.

Also early senility could be the issue with gifts. She's forgotten what you said about X, just remember the word and then seeing x triggers something and she ends up making an assumption you liked x to cover up.

Obviously I'm trying to be nice and she might just be a passive aggressive cow. In which case speaking loudly over her interuptio and insinuating she's going deaf will work for first issue. And proclaiming she gives the best ironic presents ever with a big smile in front of everyone should work for the second. Play her at her own game.

Passive aggressive behaviour. She's probably taken the hump because you've missed something she's said t some point by being distracted by the DC's and she's paying you back! As pp said, wait until she's sat down before settling yourself in future so you can avoid her or call her out on it next time. Literally, tap her arm when she turns away when you are talking and say 'that was rude' in front of everyone. She can be as offended as she likes but everyone will know what she's done and she'll stop for fear of looking rude to the rest of the group/family. With some people you have to be that blunt!

I think it is passive aggressive as that’s her form but why bother seeking me out to do it ? It’s batshit - surely just avoid me if you don’t like me ? I feel like she probably has some mental health issues as she does these weird behaviours often over the last 14 years. The gift one she has always done...

Passive aggressives need an audience and need to 'win'. She can't do that if she avoids you. So you need to change your reactions to her game. Turn it back on her.

"Oh dear, didn't you hear me answering? Have you had your hearing checked lately? Getting older can be such a pain". With a bit concerned dil smile.

"What a fabulous present, dc will love it" and with a huge grateful smile pass to a sticky fingered dc to break with a "whoopsie" when it does. Etc etc.

If you keep changing the game plan she can't win. She's playing you, play her right back. Keep score. Find a way to make it entertaining for yourself so she gets bored before you do.

Used this tactic with a colleague. It was amazingly good fun til she got bored! Almost disappointed she did.

Oh man! You have my sympathies. There are a couple of people in my life who do this: ask a specific question, and then interrupt when I am three words into my considered answer.

I have no idea what it's about but it's absolutely my pet peeve!

I've found it's best to respond in the moment, like if they turn away or start talking over you, just say something like `Hello? I'm trying to answer you!' I can usually do it with a laugh. Like,' I can't answer if I can't get a word in edgewise! Come on, focus! '

A couple of times I have got angry and just said, `Okay, wow..' when someone turns away.

Once I got seriously fed up and when the offender came back to me and repeated the question I told them I had already answered.

Give us a nice long list of all of her other difficult behaviours towards you over the years - will be cathartic for you and we will see the pattern and give you a strategy to box her in!

I’d defintely call her out on it, if she turns away just say loudly “I’m sorry didn’t you hear me?” and repeat the answer again with a smile.

I think you just either need to refuse the presents “thank you but with small DC we aren’t doing ornaments right now, but you should be able to get a refund” and then change the subject.

Is she turning away when you are mid sentence? If so I'd get up and go and speak to someone across the room each time she does it.

Don't look annoyed or flustered. Arrange your face to look amused, like you are in on a joke, quick glance over to DH (or anyone else). That'll piss her right off.

Show concern when she turns back to you again "Are you OK MIL? You've got that memory problem again haven't you. Have you been to the doctor yet?" Say the words slowly. Drop in a "we've all been talking about it."

Mostly laugh in your own head at her. You are onto it. If she's a PA type, closing down this avenue means she will open it up elsewhere which might be more annoying.

I dunno about a list! But if she sees something new or nice in the house she will damage it ‘accidentally’

At least she doesn't ask you a question with the sole intention of disagreeing vehemently with whatever you say.

She’s a deeply unhappy and negative person who is so full of misery she can’t help but spread it anyway she can. These people are everywhere. They give me the heebie jeebies.

When I come across people like this, Iremind myself that I’m bigger, better and deep down a more positive person than them and thank god I’m not so unhappy and as negative to have to resort to such weird and pathetic behaviour. It must be special kind of hell living in a head like you MIL’s.