Bordering on affair or harmless?

[Cosmicunicorn321]

I have had a very strong attraction to a work colleague for months. I don't work directly with him, we pass eachother a lot and maybe chat for 5 mins or so. It started when I did work directly with him for a day and progressed from there.
We are both married. He has been married 20 years. We both have children.
It started with glances, smiling and small talk. Then it got a bit flirty.
He makes me weak at the knees and my heart pounds when I'm near him.
This attraction was starting to affect my life so I distanced myself totally and avoided eye contact and walked away from him so he would get the hint. He didn't like this and actually came up to me directly to talk instead.
I was leaving work the other day and he was infront of me. He stopped suddenly, turned around and said bye but the way he looked at me was unreal. I knew there this has to stop.
The next day I blurted out to him do you like me or something, because your giving off vibes. He went super red and got all stuttery and said I do a bit yes. I told him that i feel the same and he needs to leave me be. He said he would and was scarlet.

Is this harmless or have we crossed a line? Are we infatuated with eachother or am I reading too much into this? I keep thinking I am falling in love with him and need to make It stop and I'm not sure if he feels the same or he just likes to flirt and sees it as harmless fun.
I'm taking a step back now. I can't do this anymore. I hate myself and I feel sick.

OK,so you're both married/partnered and have agreed to leave each other alone.

...?

Yes. I said it's messing with my head and he said he would stop approaching me.

You are in the danger zone!

It's not harmless because you are letting this creep into your life I keep thinking I am falling in love with him

Genuinely how would you feel if your dh was you in this situation?

He clearly feels the same you havent imagined the connection I'm sure.

If you dont want to have an affair and ruin some lives you need to step back now. Avoid him and ignore him apart from must discuss work stuff!!

This isn't falling in love, it's limerence. Google and read up on it, then set your stall out with firm barriers til this passes (and it will).

It doesn't matter about crossed lines etc or what strangers on Mumsnet think, if you couldn't tell your spouses about this, you're doing the wrong thing. If you need to hide it, it's the wrong thing.

@autumngirl78 i can't see this man wanting an affair actually. He is quite shy and a decent person. I don't think he would initiate anything at all, but he likes to keep it going. I know he sounds sleazy from my post but he isn't. He was terrified when I confronted him.
I think I have fallen for him and I feel so out of control.
I have done a lot of soul searching and feel like perhaps I am not in love with my husband anymore. I'm not attracted to him but i do love him. He doesn't deserve this and I can't split up our family because I'm thinking with my fanny. I just don't know how to stop this happening.

If you were my partner & you came home & told me this story i'd be pissed. And i'm pretty laid back about my relationship. The fact you have a physical attraction to him & let it 'casually' get to the point it did would make me question things tbh

I know. I feel awful. I never ever would have thought myself capable of this. Before this man I've never even been slightly interested in anybody else.
The worst part is if this man made a move, I don't think I would stop it. But I have to.

From your last post i think you have bigger issues. If you're not attracted to your DP you may well be subconciously trying to find something elsewhere. Which isn't fair

i liked the way you asked him 'do you like me or something'. its so open and honest. if not it would like many threads here, 'does he like me or not, what will i do', etc.
you are very sensible, practical. maybe search for 'limerence', maybe it applies to you.

i think the way they look at you is the most affecting.

:)

Yes. It's a big issue.
I think I owe it to my husband to work on finding him attractive again and work on our relationship. I can't leave him because I don't fancy him. I can't do that to my kids.

He has put on a lot of weight. 3 stone. I've suggested doing exercise with him,Joining slimming groups and spoke to him about it and he just says he's happy and likes pies and pints as he says.
I've lost 1.5 stone and feeling more attractive so we are heading in seperate directions when it comes to looks.

It's a big problem but hopefully can be fixed.

@bluebell I don't think he liked my blunt question, he said he was embarrassed.
...but I hate mind games. I would rather have an honest discussion about the elephant in the room. He doesn't want to talk about his feelings probably because he feels awkward that he's married and talking about it would make it real. Men don't seem to see flirting as a big deal.
I was going to tell my husband but hoping this passes. I don't want to hurt him just so I can feel better about been honest.

You need to give yourself a serious talking to and a visible STOP sign in front of you whenever you think about this man.

It's limerence, an irrational infatuation, it's not real (you don't actually KNOW this man). Step aside, don't feed the infatuation. What you think he feels is irrelevant. Re-invest in your marriage. You can feel 'in love' with your husband again but you need an honest conversation with him and agree to build quality time together back into your lives. Include exercise into this quality time by going for regular long walks, maybe with a pint at the end where you can reconnect like when you used to date.

You have too much to lose so stop now and instead start thinking about how to rebuild closeness in your marriage.

Is it you again?

The poster who posts about this all the time?

Never posted about this before no

Now that you've told him it could get hairy. Why did you tell him?

I've had work crushes, you have to give yourself a dose of reality. What do you know about him to love him? Glances here and there and smiles aren't love. It's a crush that makes the day go quicker. Think about if you crossed the line, does he have kids? How would you feel about destroying 2 families? Think of the pain his wife would go through. 20 years together.

Just keep thinking that and talk through issues with your husband, try to work things out with him first, at least give him the chance to know how you feel. He might feel the same and it might be the kick up the arse he needs.

I had a crush on a bloke in the office years ago. He used to come into my office a lot just to talk. There was a definite spark, I thought. Then one day he said he had a confession to make. Me, holding breath, heart going like a train, oh? Yes, he said, I feel I can really talk to you. Of course you can, says I. Well, he said, he really liked Sarah (also in the office), did I think she liked him too? What did I think, was it safe to ask her out, would she reject him or say yes did I think?

That taught me a lot.

I asked him if he liked me to shock him into leaving me alone. The more interaction we have, the harder it is.
Yes he has children. I don't want to hurt anybody so this has to stop. I don't think he wants an affair but he is feeding it.
I've had the conversation with dh about our marriage. Everything dandy on his side, he has no issues he wants to resolve.
On my side it's physical attraction and sex. He won't do anything about his weight, I've tried to be supportive.
It never used to bother me but now it does. I don't know how you start fancying someone again.
I could bumble along not fancying him but this could happen again down the line and I don't want that.

Yes I thought this sounded familiar.

I don’t know what to suggest op but I don’t think you should have said anything to him. It could have died on its own.

I asked him if he liked me to shock him into leaving me alone

At least be honest with yourself! That is not the reason you asked him. You can take control of this if you want to. You can leave him alone. He's done nothing except be friendly. You are making a fool of yourself and trying to put damaging wheels in motion that could wreck innocent people's lives.

Walk away.

'I don't think he wants an affair but he is feeding it'

What do you mean?

The thing is though it's not going to die the more he keeps trying to flirt and initiate conversation. He admitted himself he had been pestering me with it.
I honestly asked him because I wanted to tell him to cool it. I need to get over this. I said what we have both been thinking.

When I started avoiding him he kept it up rather than take my hints so I felt I had to say something.
Yes I've made a tit of myself but hopefully now he will be too embarrassed to start a conversation with me now which will give me the time and space I need to get over him.

@sausage I mean he doesn't want to act on it physically but emotionally he wants to talk and flirt and push it to the line without crossing it.
Another poster said he's just being friendly but glances, flirting and starting conversations aren't just friendly conversation in my book. He knows we fancy eachother and he's using my feelings like a yoyo.

You presumably didn't get the answers you were looking for on last week's thread about this? You have to be honest with yourself. If you love your DP then you should be working on the relationship, not mooning about the man in your office. If you don't think that's possible, then you should end it.

I don't know anyone who has not had a crush on a workmate at one time or another but they recognise it for what it is and have enough respect for themselves and their DH/DP not to act upon it.