Bordering on affair or harmless?

[Cosmicunicorn321]

I have had a very strong attraction to a work colleague for months. I don't work directly with him, we pass eachother a lot and maybe chat for 5 mins or so. It started when I did work directly with him for a day and progressed from there.
We are both married. He has been married 20 years. We both have children.
It started with glances, smiling and small talk. Then it got a bit flirty.
He makes me weak at the knees and my heart pounds when I'm near him.
This attraction was starting to affect my life so I distanced myself totally and avoided eye contact and walked away from him so he would get the hint. He didn't like this and actually came up to me directly to talk instead.
I was leaving work the other day and he was infront of me. He stopped suddenly, turned around and said bye but the way he looked at me was unreal. I knew there this has to stop.
The next day I blurted out to him do you like me or something, because your giving off vibes. He went super red and got all stuttery and said I do a bit yes. I told him that i feel the same and he needs to leave me be. He said he would and was scarlet.

Is this harmless or have we crossed a line? Are we infatuated with eachother or am I reading too much into this? I keep thinking I am falling in love with him and need to make It stop and I'm not sure if he feels the same or he just likes to flirt and sees it as harmless fun.
I'm taking a step back now. I can't do this anymore. I hate myself and I feel sick.

You have a good insight and I'd say you've caught it before it gets out of hand.

If you both keep it professional you'll be okay.

Mark a line and don't cross it.

Good luck

He knows we fancy eachother and he's using my feelings like a yoyo.

If you think he's deliberately 'using your feelings like a yoyo' that is manipulative and unattractive behaviour. Surely knowing that about him is enough to crush your crush?

There are numerous problems, but if you maintain a professional line in the sand then this other man should pass on by relatively quickly.

The bigger problem is your DH preferring pies and pints to being attractive to you.

You need to have a conversation where you directly and explicitly point out that you do NOT find him sexy, you DON'T want to have sex with him, he DOESN'T turn you on, and that you didn't begin this relationship with someone who had a huge gut. It's a dealbreaker, because you can't and won't sustain a passionless marriage. He can do some exercise and cut back on the carbs, or you can leave. Pick one.

I just think telling him he's fat and unattractive would be awful. I've said it in a nice roundabout way when he's squeezing into his jeans i will say well do something about it then. I will offer walks, gym, slimming world etc and he brushes them all off.
And I think if I had put on weight and he felt like that about me I would think he was shallow and selfish and not deserving of me. And then what hurts is I have become that shallow, selfish person instead.

I think your main problem is lack of intimacy at home. You currently feel great about yourself (and well done about your weight loss!). Then you see your DH who is quite happy remaining 3 stone overweight (and with a love of pies and pints it’s likely to increase). And you don’t find that attractive.

Then this shy man who obviously likes you turns up. He is only a distraction from bigger issues. You need to decide whether you are happy with your DH as he is. You can’t change him but if you can’t see a romantic relationship with him now and in the future you are basically living in a dead marriage. Hopefully if you spell that out (sensitively) to DH that for you it is a big issue he may understand and make some changes. Also you might want to point out the health implications he is risking for the future.

Honestly having a romoantic and intimate relationship with a spouse that you live and respect if seriously fucking important. We are too good at putting others first. And what does that tell our kids about what a healthy relationship is?

Maybe an affair would get it out your system. As long as it doesn't interfere with home life.

Love not live

Really @starzig? And how do you think lying to her DH, and shagging another man is going to help?

Answer: it isn’t. She might scratch an itch, but at what cost to herself? Emotionally and psychologically

Another point is, people at work will notice. Don't you find that a bit embarrassing?

Your husband can lose the weight, you won't be able to undo any fallout a quick bit of fantasy will cause.

Talk to him again, don't justify an affair to yourself because he;'s put on weight. How would you feel if he was saying this about you? Not saying it to be horrible, just to put the other side across.

If after talking or changes you still can't make it work and leave, will you try to start a relationship with this man at work even though he's married with kids? Can you get a transfer at work if you can't resist his glances?

I think I'm going to give it six months to a year to see how I feel. If in that time I still feel the same then I think I need to think again about my future.
I'm under no illusions that even if an affair did start that we would be running off into the sunset together and everything working out cause it wouldn't. I would lose my dh, break my kids hearts and the other man would probably just go back to normal like it didn't happen anyway.
I've never experienced such a mutual connection with someone before and the lust just pulls you in. I know it's wrong, and I know I can take control if I try.
I feel very lonely and down. I feel like I'm going through a heart break or bad break up. I have no right to feel like this when we are both married to other people. It's awful.

Can I gently suggest that you take these six months to try to reconnect with your DH? Try and carve out some couple time. See if what drew you together is still there. Talk, share, see if you can laugh and be silly.

I think sex appeal is more about the emotional than the physical. But I also think that settling and being comfortable needs a kick up the arse sometimes. Maybe this was your kick. For you and DH. He has to look after his health! Does he want to risk impotence, heart atttack, stroke, diabetes? Cause that’s what he is risking. I would try taking about the health risks more than a physical aversion.

When I was post-Uni and unemployed, I also put on weight and received gentle pokes about it from my GF. I was defensive about it. She left me.

Better to have the ultimatum of "Get somewhere close to where you were at the start of the relationship, because I didn't marry a fatarse" and for him to do something about it, than to have 6 months to a year of joyless marriage and increasing distance.

Op do you have any close friends you could get out with for chat, walks out stuff like that? You do sound down. How is the rest of your relationship with your husband?

I do have a close friend to talk to but she seems disinterested in a get a grip kind of way which I totally understand because it's true but it doesn't make me actually get a grip.
The rest of the relationship is fine. I think deep down he doesn't like that my looks have changed. I was frumpy before and didn't bother with makeup or my hair or clothes. Now I'm looking after myself and grooming and I think he's a bit funny about it, just some little comments he's made.

Apart from that we are great.

@sethis no your right. I assume the more this goes on the more distant I will become.

Ok @cosmic can I ask apart from the physical, what was it that attracted you to your DH? What is it about him that you connect with in a fundamental level? Can you be frankly honest with him? Tell him you love him but he needs to sort himself out. He needs to shift some weight and want to live an active and healthy life with his family and his wife. Because right now all you can see is gradual decline into ill health and you seriously worried because you love him?

I think you need to see if anything you can say can save what it was that was between you and DH that made you want to commit and have dc before you bail.

If he doesn’t want engage at all then he is the one that broke the contract and you need to have a s life that makes you happy.

I have never been fully attracted to dh. I went out with him because he was kind, generous, loyal and close to his family. He always took care of me, he always stepped up. He is just a lovely person and would do anything for everybody.
That's why I married him. He is good for me. He is a good dad and a real grafter. He is dependable.
The other man is attractive. My type.
He is also all those things to someone else.

Oh bloody hell @cosmic you settled and you never really loved him, you just hoed you did. Now this other fella gives you the fanny gallops.

Well I’m not surprised, either you carry in with a kind, generous, family orientated lovely bloke or you end your marriage but honestly your DH deserves someone who loves him, and you deserve some one you actually want to be with rather than just thinking you should be together because he is nice.

I absolutely think this other bloke is just a distraction/titilation and your real issues are at home.

Hoped not hoed

really difficult situaation to be in. marriagee is hard work, especially with the infatuations on the way and other problems.
the biggest problem is you werent attracted to your dh when you got married to him, now he's put on weight, it is harder.
i dont know if you ever will be attracted to him if it wasnt there at the beginning.
how do you see your future with him?
thats the problem you need to solve first i guess.
the other guy, i still think you did the right thing to ask him openly and you need space from him to sort your marriage one way or another.
you are in a very vulnerable position but a very strong woman, if there was another woman in your situation they would be in bed with the man by now.

I wouldn't say it's dangerous, it is ok to have a crush, I had a massive crush on a work colleague when I was in a relationship, it's not like you're suddenly going to have an affair, even though your feelings are mutual neither of you are going to act on it (I hope) so I wouldn't worry too much. Crushes are just a normal part of life , just do what you are doing and distance yourself and hopefully it will die down