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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i'm frumpy, miserable and losing my labido - will i push DP into the arms of another?

32 replies

lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 17:25

I know this seems daft but i have turned into the woman from the beautiful south song - don't marry her, have me!!! You know, the one with the PhD in i told you so etc etc etc......I used to think i was the me, now im the her!!! So, if DP does leave me for another woman, with more motivation, a cheerier disposition and less flab? Its all my own fault, ridiculous i know but i can see it happening, i almost thinks he deserves the break,,,,if you see what i mean

OP posts:
lulumama · 20/06/2007 17:26

if you know all this, then become the other woman!

motivate yourself to be cheerier and happier, and nicer to DH

rediscover him, go on a date with him, have time together

HappyDaddy · 20/06/2007 17:31

God, you sound like my wife. She's still gorgeous, as I'm sure you are. She's still the same wonderful woman I met, as I'm sure you are.

But, she thinks she's fat, frumpy and a moody cow. Keeps telling me she'll understand if I end up having affairs.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 17:35

lulu - if only it were that simple, then i woudlnt ahave to be posting here dreading him coming home from work because i dont know what to say to him anymore This is the man i adored, i still adore, its me that i dislike so

HappyDaddy - if i thought he felt like you then i wouldn't be worried,i would be luurved up.

It seems the more insecure i feel, the more like a woman i cannot imagine him ever being attracted to, the more i behave in such a way as to make him less and less attracted to me, insecure, possesive, nagging on bitch

OP posts:
Original poster
lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 17:36

nagging old bitch!

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Original poster
lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 17:40

LEM left to wallow in self pity then

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PrettyCandles · 20/06/2007 17:45

No self pity! If you're stuck in a bad place, take a step up and away from it. Do something to give yourself pleasure, make the light sparkle in your eyes again.

I'm in exactly the same situation as you. But I know it will pass when we all get some more sleep.

Talk to your dh. Don't tell him it's OK if he has an affair. Tell him how you feel about yourself, and how you miss the real you, the one who fancies the pants off him, and how you really want to be her again. For you to feel libidinous, especially when you have doubts about yourself, you need him to fancy you, to show you affection and interest, without necessarily wanting sex. Tell him this - if it reflects what you want.

moopymoo · 20/06/2007 17:45

no no not left to wallow. lulumama she wise - why not become the other woman? she is still there. we change when we have kids, no doubt, but the core of who he fell in love with is still there and can come out to play! take a long hard look at how you can be happier in yourself. and talk to him about how you feel, take ownership of it - not ' i wouldnt blame you if you shagged someone else' but ' i feel bad about myself and want to be the woman you fell in love with.' hth

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 17:46

anyone? any ideas? I can't make an overnight change of who i have become but how can i make him see that im worth holding out for?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 20/06/2007 17:46

What's at the root of all this, lem?

Are you a SAHM, and is that what's bothering you?

Don't panic, I'm not going to do a Xenia on you, just wondering if you think you have nothing to talk about because you're at home with the kids.

toomanydaves · 20/06/2007 17:47

No! LEM! Do not sit alone and wallow in self pity. If you are not getting any time to yourself to do the stuff you like/need to do, then you are bound to feel like this.
What is it realistic for you to change?
Can you 1) start exercising 2) get a bravissimo bra 3)make time to read/whatever you like to do that makes you feel like you?
4) get some time with your dp without your lo to have fun? It's worth talking to your dp about this, as if he can make any small changes to help you help yourself, you will both benefit.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 17:49

yes mumble, im a SAHM and my DP resents this, he really wants me to get a job but i dont have the confidence to be honest and i really dont want to leave DD yet, shes not two. I have to admit that its not a feeling of having nothing to talk about, just nothing to offer, either physically or otherwise. He does hint that i should lose weight but im actually happy with my body, or should i say i couldnt care a shit what i look like. Just waiting for Xenia to pounce now.

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Original poster
lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 17:51

toomanydaves? luurve your name, my DP is Dave, so is his dad and his grandad We have a DD else......

this is all advice i would give myself, im in a rut and just dont seem to be able to snap from it

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Original poster
lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 17:54

pmsl at the bra - i have always had great assets!!!

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toomanydaves · 20/06/2007 17:55

Yeh, but you need to just do one thing at a time otherwise it all seems to big. If you sit there going " god, I must do x x x x x " it never gets done. Which one would you like to do most? If you like porn you could get a shedload and watch it with dp. Or you could read him some erotic fiction. Can you afford to get a pedicure, or get a friend to give you one? Just do ONE thing every day to lift yourself. You have a phd in fly genetics don't you? ( used to be zizou, not weird stalker)Are you getting enough intellectual stimulation?

Oh but also you say she's not even 2 yet, that is very tiny, and fatigue and lassitude are so normal. Would you consider putting her into nursery a couple of times a week from 2?

lulumama · 20/06/2007 18:02

i found that i was feeling very resentful of DH , after being SAHM for a while, with a newish baby, and nothing to look forward to..he seemed to be having a grand old time, taking clients out, eating out, lots of black tie dos, whilst i did coffee mornings and fishfingers with the children...

so i decided i had to change

and make the best of things

and found a new direction to follow, something for me, as a person, as a woman, as someone with my own strengths and skills

and made my own social life.....

and feel a lot better

and gives me more to talk about with DH other than which child pushed who at mums and tots or whether DS has a new reading book

you have the power to make the change

why not volunteer for a local charity or something like that, give something back, which will help to build your confidence and make you feel more worthwhile

talie101 · 20/06/2007 18:05

lucyellensmum....you've made the first step by realising you want to change! That's the biggest hurdle...I let myself totally go in my marriage...hid underneath Bridget Jones pants, big baggy tops and trousers...almost looked like a man! Although I was never really fat I ended up eating unhealthy foods and did put on weight, ate lots of chocolate and was really moody!...a combination of a few factors lowers your self-esteem, confidence etc.

When I realised what I'd become...(a person I didn't like or find attractive), I took time out for myself...had my hair done, nails done...bought new underwear and clothes..that were tighter, sexier and feminine, went out more, exercised, ate healthier....in fact changed most things in my life and you know what...I feel the best I've felt in a long while! I feel sexy and attractive now...........so start with little changes and you'll feel much better about yourself I'm sure!

Good luck...and have lots of fun

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 19:46

toomanydave's, yes you are right about the fly stuff, i have my graduation soon so looking forward to that, am thinking i might go down the whole road of hair and stuff for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
lucyellensmum · 20/06/2007 19:52

hmmm, just thinking about the stuff to talk to dp about, he he, i think he can relate more to who pushed who at M&T than he can the goings on of a fly brain!

I've never had a pedicure in my life, let alone had my nails done - i think he may think i had finally flipped if i did that. I've never been what you might call girlie, but would have liked to consider myself sexy at least. Actually i was a very sexual person, it was more a case of me pestering him for sex as apposed to the half hearted attempts the poor sod tries with me these days (cos he knows i'll say no!)

Now i think of it, i have let myself go long before i had DD, but now with nothing else to offer him, i've realised. Hope its not too late.

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MilkMonitor · 20/06/2007 19:57

Definitely invest in yourself.

Could be a new haircut, a facial, a night out with DH or friends, get yourself to Debenhams and use their personal shopper service - whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself, makes you laugh and feel valued, attractive etc. Then I bet you start to feel a lot sexier, chirpier and happier.

You've got nothing to lose!

toomanydaves · 20/06/2007 19:59

and nursery? Where does madame fly geneticist stand on nursery?

TrueBlue · 20/06/2007 20:49

Absolutely agree that the biggest step is realising what is going on with yourself and how it could affect your relationship... So many people don't until it is too late...

And like you say, it is a vicious circle... you slob around, therefore you don't feel that great, which makes you feel even less like making an effort, which makes you slob even more, you end up feeling worse still... and it goes on.... I've been there too...

You can really get out of it one small step at a time, buy some new clothes, new underwear, have your hair done, sort your make up out, do some exercise, make some plans to go out ... any of these, and you will feel a bit better, and the rest will start to flow too....

You go girl!

TrueBlue · 20/06/2007 20:54

And I don't think you have to become a person you are not... if you are not a girlie girl, then that's fine... He obviously did not fall in love with you because you were all pink frills and painted toes... But I am sure there are ways that you can think of that make you feel good about yourself... Just try to get back to the level of effort you would have put into your appearance back in the early days of your relationship and apart from that, try and do some stuff that YOU really like doing and makes you feel good...

mumto3girls · 20/06/2007 21:00

Have sex with hm if you can. Sex maks you feel great and him feel great ( even if you don't feel like it at the start).
It bringsyou back close agin and then you can talk whilst curled up together.

foxybrown · 20/06/2007 21:10

I've had the same sort of thing - at one point I wouldn't have actually blamed DP if he'd had an affair, my self-esteem was that low.

For me, it was joining Weight Watchers, going to the gym, spending one night every week on me (hair, nails that kind of thing), I'm quite a girly girl, but I think the key to it is whatever gives your self-esteem a boost. If its reading a newspaper so you feel like you have conversation, or an evening class to you are using your brain, or something so you feel as though you are achieving something - whatever makes you feel better about yourself will make you feel better about how you think he sees you.

And actually, he might not see you the way you see yourself.

And yes, have sex.

HappyDaddy · 20/06/2007 21:32

Tell you what, I'll have sex with him. Then he'll appreciate you!!