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Original poster

How to express my frustration at him not initiating dates lately?

43 replies

RubyN · 17/11/2018 16:20

Seeing a guy who is absolutely lovely but is shy and has a touch of aspergers for 1 1/2 months & in the beginning he came up with some creative dates. Lately, I've asked him to do some things and this week I decided I would take a step back and see what would happen. After our last great date (7th date) I asked him 'keep in touch & let me know when you want to meet next.' Before I did this he asked what my plans were this weekend, I told him some tentative plans thinking he might ask me out but he didn't. That was 4 days ago.

This week he has been really supportive. I was feeling really worried/unsure about a job interview after a pep talk or 2 he really made me feel more positive and confident about going for it. He's contacted me lots, checked in with me when I had a bad cold earlier in the week and I am certain he cares about me. Again this afternoon he asks 'did you decide what you're doing this weekend?' & I told him a couple of plans which include being in the area that he lives tomorrow. I asked what his plans are in return & he simply replied with his. That's it!! No asking me out again!!

Really I don't want to keep chatting via text. I want him to ask me out again and I'm not willing to do all the asking, whether hes shy or not. Should I just tell him this outright?

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyN · 17/11/2018 16:21

I feel like he is SHY about asking me out which is ridiculous because we've been dating for a while.

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 17/11/2018 16:24

You told him you had plans this weekend???? If he has aspergers, this would mean to him that you have plans this weekend.

Why not just say you were free?

Sethis · 17/11/2018 16:26

Stop playing games.

Especially stop playing social etiquette games with someone on the spectrum.

If you want him to ask you out, then don't mention plans you already have for the weekend and "hope" he'll ask you regardless.

Text him and say "I really enjoyed the dates you took me on X weeks ago, would love to do more like that with you! Any suggestions for what we can do next?" or similar.

Women expecting men to somehow intuit what they want or don't want rather than just outright telling us is one of the biggest headaches in any relationship. Just don't do it.

Original poster
RubyN · 17/11/2018 16:27

I don't have an in-depth understanding of aspergers, exactly, but yes he does take things I say quite literally sometimes. Which can be sweet.

Should I ask him to meet when I am in his area tomorrow then? I am starting to resent being the sole initiator. Perhaps I need to tell him how important it is to me that the person I am dating meets me 50/50 on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
RubyN · 17/11/2018 16:29

But I explicitly said 'stay in touch and let me know when you want to spend time together next.' He's done the first part, not the second.

How much clearer can I make it? I did this before and he DID take the hint and plan a good date. Not this time.

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hard2getor · 17/11/2018 16:29

It should be 50:50 (if I'm honest I think the man should be more like 80:20 but I'll get flamed for that!)

If you feel like your doing all the work, he isn't that into you. I wouldn't ask him.

Original poster
RubyN · 17/11/2018 16:32

hard2getor - I don't want to just drop it before saying something. Because I really do feel he IS in to me and would be upset if I did.

I want to make it clear I want him to ask me without being super serious about it.

OP posts:
Sethis · 17/11/2018 16:34

I wouldn't ask him.

This is everything wrong with how some people approach relationships. Instead of simply asking, you're going to dump him? When a literal 1 minute phone call could lead to a full and happy long term relationship? Rather than ASSUMING he's not into her, why not ASK "Why aren't you initiating any dates?". Because the reasons could be anything from "I can't afford to right now" up to "I didn't want to pressure you because I know some women don't like to be hassled". You don't KNOW until you ASK.

I am starting to resent being the sole initiator. Perhaps I need to tell him how important it is to me that the person I am dating meets me 50/50 on this.

Yeah, absolutely. Face to face conversation or phone call where you say "I really liked our dates, recently I feel like I've been initiating, and I like to feel as though both people are working equally hard on a relationship, so could you plan the next one or two? That'd be amazing." or whatever. Job done.

hard2getor · 17/11/2018 16:35

I wouldn't drop it... like don't end it. I just wouldn't ask him. Keep in touch with the messages. If he doesn't ask you, you'll know he doesn't really want to.

hard2getor · 17/11/2018 16:38

Like I said. I didn't say dump him. I just said don't ask him. Again. As you already feel your doing too much.

I was in the same situation ...these last two weeks I've kept in touch, but not made any plans. Took about a week before he realised he had to be more confident and asked me. Twice.

He knows I like him, I know he likes me now. So it's all sorted without a serious convo so early on.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/11/2018 16:38

But I explicitly said 'stay in touch and let me know when you want to spend time together next.' He's done the first part, not the second.

He's done the first bit and more, supporting you through a tough week - and he's tried to do the second; but you keep saying you're busy. If you want him to book the dates, why not just tell him you're free at 2pm on Saturday or whenever and he's free to arrange something if he wants?

But overall if it's really important to you that a man sweeps you off your feet and organises everything without your input; you may not be well matched. He sounds like he'd be more suited to a more even relationship than you want.

safetyfreak · 17/11/2018 16:40

If he has asperger he is not going to pick up on hints is he? He has asked you a couple of times about the weekend and you fobbed him off both times. Yes he may not have directly said "let's do this. ." But his intentions are clear.

Original poster
RubyN · 17/11/2018 16:41

We've been messaging back and forth for a few days at his initiation. Is there any reason why I can't just say this in the message thread?

Because I could ask him to meet for a drink tomorrow when I am in the area, to tell him I need 50/50, but that of course means me asking him out again!

OP posts:
twominfromthebeach · 17/11/2018 16:43

Just choose the right moment and tell him how you feel. Don't play games with him. There's no reason why that one calm chat can't remedy things. It sounds like you're into each other and it would be a shame to sabotage that by playing games. You need to be able to talk together about things like this if you want a successful, happy and honest relationship. Good luck :)

Original poster
RubyN · 17/11/2018 16:44

AnchorDownDeepBreath - in my last relationship I was the one organising every date with little to no input. It gets tired fast and it's called taking on too much emotional labour.

He asked me to specific events previously without fishing vaguely about weekend plans. I'm not sure what's changed.

OP posts:
Sethis · 17/11/2018 16:46

I wouldn't drop it... like don't end it. I just wouldn't ask him. Keep in touch with the messages. If he doesn't ask you, you'll know he doesn't really want to.

A girl I like asks me out.
A girl I like asks me out again.
Suddenly she stops asking me out, and doesn't explain why.
I assume that she's not interested in me any more. I feel hurt and upset.
I back off.
We stop talking.

I assumed wrong, but how am I ever going to know that unless she or I actually ask the question "Why did you stop asking me out?"

It's like every TV series, ever, where the characters "assume" everything about each other, instead of just having a 2 minute conversation that would conclude the entire series in one episode. Scriptwriters can't have that, because otherwise there's no drama and they can't string you along.

Real life has enough drama without deliberately game-playing to create more with people you like. Just talk to him.

hard2getor · 17/11/2018 16:49

Let's be honest. Whatever route you go down, you'll find out eventually if he likes you or not.

You could have the convo with him, he could feel awkward and ask you. Or he could genuinely see where your coming from and make more effort.

You'll soon find out in the end.

hard2getor · 17/11/2018 16:52

@Sethis or instead of assuming, you could realise that she's done all the work, and like her enough to ask her this time?

Original poster
RubyN · 17/11/2018 16:58

Maybe literally all it will take is:

'Sounds great, have a good weekend. You can let me know if you want to meet up sometime soon!'. That way it makes it clear and I don't feel resentful by planning another date.

Yes/no?

OP posts:
Sethis · 17/11/2018 16:58

What is the difference, if any, between realising and assuming?

"Realising" is when you get the right answer. But you're not guaranteed to get the right answer if you don't have all the information.

Why would you force your partner to do either if it's in your power to simply tell them how you feel in two sentences? Why would you ask someone to make a decision on incomplete information instead of complete information? Especially someone who's already told you that they have difficulty in parsing social cues?

hard2getor · 17/11/2018 17:02

My way of thinking has worked. Two weeks ago I felt the same as op. Now I know he likes me and we have plans.

Granted we are dealing with two different people (I hope?!)

I think that message isn't too pushy op. Your letting him know your available if he would like to make plans

Sethis · 17/11/2018 17:05

'Sounds great, have a good weekend. You can let me know if you want to meet up sometime soon!'. That way it makes it clear and I don't feel resentful by planning another date.

I'd edit that to "Tell me when you..." rather than "Let me know if you".

Stronger meaning.

And I would also have the conversation about the 50-50 split - not assume that this message in and of itself is enough for him to understand how you feel.

I mean, if it was me, it'd be

"I'm free on [next free day/evening], so tell me if there's something you want to do"

because "sometime soon" is nonspecific and doesn't help him make any concrete plans. On the other hand if you specify "Friday" then he can look at cinema times, make table bookings, look at music venues etc etc etc.

Original poster
RubyN · 17/11/2018 17:13

oh no I just had a little cry Sad I think my new-ish birth control might partially have something to answer for!

I really like him and I feel frustrated that he hasn't initiated for a couple of weeks. What you are suggesting, Sethis, sort of feels like asking myself out. I can specify the days that don't work next week. And I will have to initiate that conversation.

OP posts:
hard2getor · 17/11/2018 17:14

Sorry your feeling like this ruby. This was me a few weeks ago, but I'm feeling so much better this week. Dating is HARD. And what makes it worse is everyone is different so no rule will suit all.

Sethis · 17/11/2018 17:21

Every time you feel a stab of annoyance at having to initiate a conversation then it's a direct result of not telling him how you feel. It's roughly akin to being annoyed at a hangnail hurting you instead of just cutting it off.

The sooner you talk to him about your feelings, the sooner he can stop unwittingly trampling on them. Hell, for all you know, he's stopped initiating dates because he thinks you didn't like his first few dates, which is why you've arranged the latest ones instead of leaving him to do it. The problem is that neither of you are psychic. So talk to each other instead.