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Relationships

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Original poster

How to express my frustration at him not initiating dates lately?

43 replies

RubyN · 17/11/2018 16:20

Seeing a guy who is absolutely lovely but is shy and has a touch of aspergers for 1 1/2 months & in the beginning he came up with some creative dates. Lately, I've asked him to do some things and this week I decided I would take a step back and see what would happen. After our last great date (7th date) I asked him 'keep in touch & let me know when you want to meet next.' Before I did this he asked what my plans were this weekend, I told him some tentative plans thinking he might ask me out but he didn't. That was 4 days ago.

This week he has been really supportive. I was feeling really worried/unsure about a job interview after a pep talk or 2 he really made me feel more positive and confident about going for it. He's contacted me lots, checked in with me when I had a bad cold earlier in the week and I am certain he cares about me. Again this afternoon he asks 'did you decide what you're doing this weekend?' & I told him a couple of plans which include being in the area that he lives tomorrow. I asked what his plans are in return & he simply replied with his. That's it!! No asking me out again!!

Really I don't want to keep chatting via text. I want him to ask me out again and I'm not willing to do all the asking, whether hes shy or not. Should I just tell him this outright?

OP posts:

Original poster

RubyN · 17/11/2018 22:31

Ok, I asked him to tell me when he was free to meet (giving him specific days I couldn't do) & he replied in 15 mins suggesting we spend next Friday together.

I'll have a chance to talk to him about it then hopefully!

OP posts:

squeakybird · 17/11/2018 22:36

Please don’t play coy games with autistic people. We have difficulty trusting our judgment in these situations.

JK1773 · 17/11/2018 22:40

I’m glad you’ve arranged to meet. From what you were saying earlier your messages to him were telling him you were busy this weekend. His Aspergers means he will take what you say very literally. Don’t drop hints, he’s unlikely to pick up on it. You seem to like each other. Why don’t you arrange your next date whilst you are together? Have a conversation about when you are free and what you could do. Make it 2 way and take the pressure off both of you

Dirtybadger · 17/11/2018 22:48

Maybe your aren't suited to someone with ASD if you aren't comfortable taking the lead with these things and being very explicit?

You may need to accept that you have to be more explicit.

Dirtybadger · 17/11/2018 22:52

I don't have ASD and I would have interpreted your messages as meaning you were busy. I would actually be especially confused if someone said they were going to be at X place near me over the weekend and yet didn't mention wanting to see me (in that text).

I would expect

"What are you doing this weekend?"
"Nothing would you like to meet up as I mentioned?" = invite for date
"I'm doing X near Y. That's near you isn't it? We could meet up. Anywhere good you know?"= invite for date
"Doing X near Y (near you)"= I'm busy and even though I'm nearby can't see you soz

Sethis · 17/11/2018 22:56

Ok, I asked him to tell me when he was free to meet (giving him specific days I couldn't do) & he replied in 15 mins suggesting we spend next Friday together.

See what happens when you just give somebody what they need to make a concrete decision based on accurate information? You feel better, he feels better, you have a nice date set up.

If initiation is a thing that bothers you then maybe have a general I-go-You-go arrangement where you take turns setting up dates after this one? That way you both know what the score is without any further communication being necessary from you or him.

CartoonCat · 17/11/2018 22:56

Is this the same guy you posted about before that is moving abroad? I only remember as had wondered if I knew your guy in rl as it sounded like him but don’t think it is as he doesn’t have Aspergers.

In any case my friend who has had about that many dates with a new girl told me he’d go for it if he didn’t have other things going on but worrying about a possible ldr is putting him off. May be something similar?

Original poster

RubyN · 17/11/2018 23:11

Well - it's different feeling annoyed about taking control when the other person DOESN'T have aspergers & is just being lazy.

Also he said he said it was on the milder end and as I say he did make initial date plans for the first few weeks. JK1773 that's a great idea! We've done that before & it did remove the anxiety.

Yes CartoonCat this is the same guy. That could be possible - but he also contacts me every day/has been looking out for me when sick/very supportive of my recent jobs. I think we are both smitten but the ldr lurks in the background. We said we'd cross the bridge when we got closer to it.

OP posts:

CartoonCat · 17/11/2018 23:15

Op are you in a city that starts with w? Just checking it’s not the same guy ..

Original poster

RubyN · 17/11/2018 23:17

Ha, no I am not. :) Phew! Maybe your friend has a doppleganger...

Anyway I completely understand your friend's hesitation. I came out of an LDR this year. They can be very difficult if both people aren't 100% devoted.

OP posts:

CartoonCat · 17/11/2018 23:19

I’m pretty sure he still contacts the girl in question a lot but that doesn’t mean he wants to be with her. In fact he’s a bit of a shit to women although seems very nice.

It’s odd watching close male friends dating and seeing things from the other side

CartoonCat · 17/11/2018 23:20

That’s a relief! I love my friend as a friend but I do think he ought to come with a warning label

Original poster

RubyN · 17/11/2018 23:49

My current guy kind of reminds me of when I met my ex. I made it crystal clear to him that I was only looking for something casual & that was that. Uh...until I fell in love a few months later. In the end, I wish I'd had the courage to end it before I moved abroad. But I was in love & didn't realise he was actually a cheat/had total faith we would last.

Actually this guy said he WAS open to ldr but I was the one who said I am reluctant. In any case I love dating him & I suppose things will work out as they are supposed to!

OP posts:

Dirtybadger · 17/11/2018 23:53

Oh, It's that guy. Didn't realise he had ASD, did he only just mention it or did I miss that before?

Are you going to have a LDR? If not you really need to break it off. This is going to become more and more painful the longer you leave it. For both of you.

Original poster

RubyN · 17/11/2018 23:59

No he did mention it about 2 weeks ago. I just forgot to mention it here!

Why do I need to break it off? This dating relationship has been great for me. It has given me so much confidence after my last shitty RL. If it is painful later? Does that mean we should forego our happiness right now? We didn't decide about the LDR (or more I was reluctant) - said we'd see how dating would go & cross the bridge when it came.

OP posts:

Dirtybadger · 18/11/2018 00:23

if you don't think you'll be hurt when things end in a few months then no harm done but the mention of being smitten etc sounds to me like you're both very fond of one another and so the end is going to be unpleasant for you both. And it isn't going to get better if you become more and more invested. If you're having a nice time together then crack on but I couldn't personally carry on becoming more and more emotionally invested in someone who there's a time limit with. Hence if you want a LDR then yes worth pursuing as there's no finish date. It's not unusual to have some fun with someone for a short while but this doesn't sound like "fun" (not that it isn't fun per se just that it sounds like you're both drifting into a more boyfriend girlfriend thing perhaps).

toffee1000 · 18/11/2018 22:48

Nobody has a “touch” of Aspergers They either have it or they don’t.
You just have to be very straightforward and concrete, not vague in any way.

wishywashy6 · 18/11/2018 23:10

I'm confused

Forget the fact he's on any spectrum.... you told him you had plans? How on earth is he meant to deduce that actually means you want him to ask you out?! Poor guy...
If you want to spend time with him, tell him when you're free and ask when he's free?? Isn't that how this works?

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