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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you know of / have you managed to live more or less peacefully in a controlling relationship?

29 replies

LittleOwl · 16/11/2018 22:19

Hi all - I am married with 2DC (10&5), and thought I had managed to finally put the relationship on an even keel again. We had a lovely year, a pleasant anniversary (went for dinner), and I felt like a partner that has been listened to and had a voice. (After 10 years of feeling miserable, it suddenly changed around February , as I managed my emotions better, was firmer but loving and had lost some weight) now - it is back to the old misery. The constant put me downs started about 6 weeks ago (body shaming (I have gone up to a size 12 again and a BMI of 25.2), sniping comments about what I wear, how our children are unruly and not well behaved, how I am neglecting their upbringing). This morning was just down right horrible- he picked a fight in a packed commuter train because I did not immediately agree and had not sorted something. I am still so hurt I find it very hard to be the same room than him. So - are there any success stories of relationships that have truly and long term improved? Or do I finally have to bite the bullet and divorce?

OP posts:

GetRid · 16/11/2018 22:24

My marriage is not dissimilar. Having a wonderful marriage counselor helps us, as his behaviour is kept in check.

Original poster

LittleOwl · 16/11/2018 22:53

@getrid
DH categorically refuses marriage counselling... for how long has your DH’s behaviour been in check now ?

OP posts:

Kerning · 16/11/2018 23:09

The two are mutually exclusive. You need to leave.

pumpkinpie01 · 16/11/2018 23:14

Life is too short , you would be happier without him start planning how to get rid I can’t see any benefits to this relationship.

madroid · 16/11/2018 23:20

You will toture yourself for as long as you think you can change him through changing yourself. And he will get a kick from watching you attempt ever more difficult contortions in an effort to save your marriage.

Life truly is too short to waste it in being miserably married and squandering the happiness of your chiildrens' childhood. These are the things I learned and now regret so much.

pallasathena · 17/11/2018 07:03

Draw a line under the relationship OP and get your ducks in a row. This situation is intolerable and if it affects your mental health and general wellbeing as I suspect it eventually will...what's the point to 'keep on keeping on?'
Your children have to come first. They deserve to have a happy, carefree childhood not one full of bitter memories of hostile parents, nasty put downs and a mother constantly walking on eggshells.
You and your partner are the most significant role models in your child's life. What you are modelling for those children is that women put up with abuse while men dish it out.
Not a blueprint I'd accept for my kids OP. And not a relationship I'd want for a moment to continue with. You deserve better. As do your children.

Original poster

LittleOwl · 17/11/2018 07:11

Thank you - I am hearing you, need to “woman up”. What throws me is that we had a genuinely good 9 months. Apart from last 6 weeks no whiff of toxicity and a genuine partnership.

OP posts:

Temerity123 · 17/11/2018 07:22

You had a “good 9 months” as you call it because you modified your behaviour. You lost weight and managed your emotions. Basically, you did what kept him happy. You should not need to lose weight or repress your emotions in order to have a pleasant relationship. He’s not going to change.

babygoose48 · 17/11/2018 07:25

Yes @littleowl, you had a decent 9 months but outnof the whole relationship you have said he’s been like that in a huge proportion. He sounds like someone who will change for a certain amount of time to keep you in check, coersing you by ‘resetting’ the button on the relationship every time it gets too much for you. Does this sound like what is happening?

user764329056 · 17/11/2018 07:26

Sounds miserable OP, hope you can make the changes necessary for a better life for you and your children

GetRid · 17/11/2018 07:37

How are you this morning op?

On marriage guidance counselling, perhaps he'll consider it if he knows you're serious about divorce? I think you should let him know what you're thinking.

squishee · 17/11/2018 07:39

I"m sorry OP. You are not going to get many MNers saying that that oh yes, they live peacefully with their controlling arsehole DPs.

Time to bite the bullet. You and your children deserve better than this.

FishesThatFly · 17/11/2018 07:42

God. What a miserable existence. Are you happy to settle for 9 months of good followed by a few weeks of bad.... but only if you behave and do as he wants at all times? If so then stay as in my experience this will be the pattern.... if not it's time to leave.

FaithInfinity · 17/11/2018 07:43

You will become a shell of your former self trying to achieve this and it won’t work long term, his expectations will only get higher.

For your sake and the sake of the children, think about the future and what you really want.

Borris · 17/11/2018 07:49

Yes..... if I didn’t see my family, only spent time with friends he liked, went on holiday where he chose, ate what he thought appropriate to maintain the figure he liked, wore clothes chosen by him, was pleased with whatever gift he’s chosen me, even if I didn’t like it.

It came to a head for me when dd said she’d do something when she’s an adult “if her husband let her”. She was 6

I left, although it took a while and a lot of support. But I am soooo much happier. People I barely know tell me how happy I look. I feel like my life has restarted.

. It’s hard to see it from inside the relationship

Dirtybadger · 17/11/2018 07:55

Do you want a relationship based on tolerating him? Not just one character like being messy. It is a wider part of his personality/"him". It's sad when the criteria for the relationship becomes the bare minimum- "can I tolerate this?"
I don't know how old you are. But you probably have decades left of this. Can you see yourself caring for him in his old age as he makes these jibes still? It might happen.

awesmum · 17/11/2018 08:02

OP I am currently in the middle of leaving my controlling relationship, things that keep me going - not having that anxious feeling that I have done 'something wrong' to be able to eat what I like when I like, to wear what I like when I like. To wake up in the morning and think how will this day be, what mood will have have to deal with today. We tried councilling, honestly it made him worse, he used it as a tool to beat me with during the week, he used it as an hour to tell me all my failings, he was excited about it because he could tell the councillor what I was doing wrong and they could tell me how to behave.

Life is too short to live for someone else.

TheVoidOfJanet · 17/11/2018 08:04

You will be able to live peacefully out with a controlling relationship.

Within a controlling relationship you will be oppressed and abused.

Your children will witness this and grow up thinking it is acceptable to abuse or that abuse has to be accepted. Or both.

I am generally very opposed to divorce when their are children. I usually think adults should just try to,get over themselves and make a go of it. UNLESS THERE IS ABUSE.

I mention that so you don’t think I am saying this lightly. This will never be a peaceful, happy or healthy relationship. It is not a healthy environment for your children. You are being abused and putting your children in a position where they may learn to perpetuate that cycle of abuse.

The PP whose partner goes to marriage guidance counselling- well that shows some insight into his behaviour, some willingness to change. That’s a start, which may or may not turn out to be enough. But it’s a start. Not even being willing to do that? No, no chance.

No. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t let this happen to your children. Get out of the relationship. Even if you have to fight hard to get out of it.
You and your children are worth that.

CarolDanvers · 17/11/2018 08:07

I tried for 8 years to live in such a relationship and thought I was managing well, right up till I had a full scale nervous breakdown, became agoraphobic and could barely care for my children. It took 9 months to recover enough to find the strength to get him out. You can’t live like this. It will ruin your mental and physical health and you need that for your children because he will start on them next.

BobTheDuvet · 17/11/2018 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2018 09:51

LittleOwl

There is no future in this marriage for you because of his abuse towards you (and in turn your children who are witness to far more than you care to realise). What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to have a relationship like this, no. Its not good enough for you either. This man also targeted you and has likely ramped up the power and control antes against you over many years now. Abuse like you describe is truly insidious in its onset.

NO to joint counselling of ANY sort. It is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Such men like your H will simply dominate and manipulate the counsellor just as you have been. He has actually done you a favour by refusing this (practically all abusers refuse counselling because they always think its the other person's fault, never theirs).

If counselling is done here, you need to go on your own and work out exactly why you have stayed with him to date.

What you describe also is the cycle of abuse; the nice/nasty cycle he shows you is a continuous one. He just stayed nice enough and for long enough to draw you back in; it was all an act to get you onside.

It is hard to leave I grant you but staying within this will destroy you further from the inside out. It will be for you a slow death by 1000 cuts if you remain with him. It will not do your children any favours either for them to keep on seeing this abusive role model of a marriage.

Borris · 17/11/2018 11:32

And yy to the counselling being unhelpful. I’d read on here that its not helpful but thought surely in my situation the counsellor will see how bad he is. Nope before I know it I’d agreed to one phone call OR text to my parents every 10 days and nothing else so I could concentrate on our marriage.

Borris · 17/11/2018 11:34

My theory is that the counsellor tries to appear neutral. You are already living a life completely on your partners terms. But the counsellor tries to meet in the middle which naturally ends up even further towards your partners thinking than you were in the start (which was already way more of your partners opinion than it should have been)

cestlavielife · 17/11/2018 13:06

Bite the bullet
Divorce
It isn't worth it

Go see a counsellor yourself on ypur own
Think about where you will be in 1 2 5 10 years...

Original poster

LittleOwl · 17/11/2018 13:08

Thank you all - i clearly need to reassess.
What I wanted to bring across is that for the last nine months I have been empowered, certainly doing stuff on my terms, having very firm boundaries— not being a push over at all. It was not toxic, but light, joyful and fun. I have done a lot of work to regain my power, be aware of my worth - and really thought I had cracked it (not by contorting, but by really looking after myself)
Having said this, I will google cycle of abuse
And I had told H that he needs to speak to a lawyer as his vision of a divorce (he walking out, me paying him and for the kids) was a pipedream! That was about the same time as his behaviour shifted.
I am better today. Have been very busy at sports club for the boys today, and H is away for the afternoon (yeah).
Now, onto google ...

OP posts:

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