Bloody weak husband

[paleandinteresting225]

I am married 10 years and have finally bought a house where I want to live. But I am the breadwinner (and am self employed) - I pay ALL the bills; mortgage, taxes, cars, utilities etc. My DH pays for food and one-off purchases, pet insurance. He works low skilled part time yet expects me to skivvy on the weekends. I am also self studying a degree ( and funding myself) so with full time work I don't feel like I should hoover the fucking house when I need to relax. My job is in finance and is very stressful hence the late in life degree and hopeful career change. He has no support for me and no support for me wanting to change career - ' just make sure you finish it' when talking about my degree. I truly am getting to my wits end with him but am scared of divorce. I've put my heart and soul and bank balance moving to a rural location and cannot bear the thought of losing my house which is my salvation. Any advice so welcome!

Tell him how you feel?
You don’t mention any children but I think it would be sensible to sit down and have a chat about the fact you feel you are carrying an uneven share of the burden and it is making you question how sustainable your marriage is.

There’s nothing wrong with low skilled, there may be a lot wrong with ‘skivvying on the weekends’. Does he pull his weight, chores-wise, considering his part-time status? Got kids?

Thanks casmama - I have told him many times but it won't register. He responds explosively (verbally only) or ignores me. Makes me feel like a 2 year old :). I don't think he truly understands though. He isn't an empathic person and is often in his own little world. I'm not a perfect wife by any means but am carrying too much . I keep thinking if I work hard enough and clear the mortgage down it will be better......cloud cuckoo land maybe but I've fought so hard to move back to my favourite place I don't want to risk it if we split.

What's pushed you over the edge after 10 years?

Low skilled is fine if he pulls his weight and you get on. Have you talked to him? If he is unhappy there is nothing stopping him divorcing you and you losing your share if that's what you mean. Do you both want to make it work?

You are taking a lot on, perhaps he feels it's now all about you and he would like some time with you too. Lots of change is hard for anyone with house moves and things. Is it his dream to live there as well?

As in me rushing around while he loafs or could have done some housework when he's not working. Am trying to write some degree work (brain is a bit fried by the weekend!) and don't want jibes about how dirty the floor is when he knows damn well where the hoover lives......

I just had this chat with my dh tbh - we both work long hours, have Ds, but I do all the housework too. We can't afford a cleaner so he says he will muck in if he gets time.

So we are at an impasse but we want to stay together not allow a row about hoovering to be the beginning of the end. However I worry it's the thin end of the wedge iyswim

Have you tried ' I don't have time darling, you'll have to do it or keep your wellies on round the house!'

He loves where we live - no problem there. Just reached critical mass I suppose as I've been the breadwinner and when I'm out of stamina I turn round.....he's playing computer games on the sofa. As long as I pay the bills he's happy - I always have and he's used to that. He's a fair bit older than me (50's) and just feel like a mug sometimes. I think about the D-word then feel guilty!

Aye - I could put up with a bit of squalor lol but he is a non-functioning neat freak! And the endless bitching annoys me more than doing the chores. But I'll quote that at him this weekend ;)

Well him shouting you down like a bully doesn't help.

Divorce means selling up does it? He might not be keen to do that as he will to do his own housework or find another wife to do it.

You do sound a bit resentful which is understandable however you haven't minded for the last ten years. He will struggle to change, and so will you.

Ask him what jobs he will be responsible for like cooking, shopping for food and clearing the kitchen up? My dh does all / most of the cooking and handy man jobs.

What does your dh do with the money he earns? Is it in the family pot? All of it?

You’re his meal ticket and housekeeper OP. Just no.

Haha, if you can laugh about it and do 15 mins each with a timer? Make it fun I guess - or fall out he has a choice.

Blimey my dh is a neat freak as well but can easily step over laundry waiting to go upstairs. He doesn't see it apparently.

He brings me tea in bed every morning though so it's swings and roundabouts.

He ran out of pants and I pointed silently at the laundry basket at the bottom of the stairs. His eyesight improved overnight.

Why would you lose the house if you split up, it sounds as if you can keep it fine. Would he force you to sell?

Why should he change? He's got everything he was and can bully you into cleaning to his standards.

I think if I was you I would just ignore any digs about house work or respond with “I think I’ve done enough this week- you feel free to do it if it bothers you”. Every time.

Please, please stop doing the chores. Please. You're enabling this behaviour because you're a decent person who believes she will be treated the same way back. Divorce him now before he can get his hands on more of your hard earned cash and find someone who will appreciate you for the amazing person that you sound like you are

Why did you marry a man so far apart in terms of his career/profession than you?

Maybe that's as good as he can do and you need to accept his low skill or consider the future of your marriage.

Can he not work more hours? Why is he just working part time?

paleandinteresting225 do you still love him and want yo be married to him? Are there kids together?

I have minded for the last 10 years but saw my parents have a really bad divorce and my mum destroyed so I've tried to keep the peace. Just have to find a way to split the load more evenly and not have my blood pressure skyrocket when he goes off on one.

Yes I do love him and in the beginning it was just us against the world. Want that back and am not a quitter. He has an adult daughter by wife #1 (who we do get on with) and like the stability this gives her - Dad and Stepmum there if she needs anything! I will not give up yet but shit needs to change. God I'd write a help-with-chores rota if he could read it (dyslexic and English is 3rd language) lol.

Well you slept walked into this one didn't you. You and him against the world, more like he saw you coming. This is who he is and your refusal to accept that, has enabled you to back yourself into this particular corner.

He gets it alright, it's just that he doesn't give a shit. Why exactly would he change a status quo that benefits him? Your unhappiness is and always will be secondary to maintaining the 'I'm alright jack' status quo.

If you have doormat stamped on your forehead don't be surprised when some chancer wipes his feet.

Agent Johnson - thanks for the flame. Really helpful.

I think you need to do two things

One is stop doing chores, esp things like his laundry

Also, find out what would happen if you get divorced

He is completely using you as breadwinner and housekeeper
Isn't divorce preferable to that? Maybe he used to be great, but he isn't now, sounds like he has no respect for you.

I mean find out about finances in divorce etc, sorry not to be clear

I'll explore the divorce option definately. Have spent quite a few years with financial uncertainty after wasting my 'education' and having to work hard to make something of myself so any return to that feels so bad - would like to understand more from a solicitor so I have at least the facts.