Bloody weak husband

[paleandinteresting225]

I am married 10 years and have finally bought a house where I want to live. But I am the breadwinner (and am self employed) - I pay ALL the bills; mortgage, taxes, cars, utilities etc. My DH pays for food and one-off purchases, pet insurance. He works low skilled part time yet expects me to skivvy on the weekends. I am also self studying a degree ( and funding myself) so with full time work I don't feel like I should hoover the fucking house when I need to relax. My job is in finance and is very stressful hence the late in life degree and hopeful career change. He has no support for me and no support for me wanting to change career - ' just make sure you finish it' when talking about my degree. I truly am getting to my wits end with him but am scared of divorce. I've put my heart and soul and bank balance moving to a rural location and cannot bear the thought of losing my house which is my salvation. Any advice so welcome!

paleandinteresting225 it is odd that you consider AgentJohnson as flaming you.

You have put up with this behaviour for 10 years. You have enabled it by not confronting it. You have a husband who has absolutely no reason to change anything because his life is great.

What you have posted is this:

I truly am getting to my wits end with him but am scared of divorce. I've put my heart and soul and bank balance moving to a rural location and cannot bear the thought of losing my house which is my salvation

I keep thinking if I work hard enough and clear the mortgage down it will be better......cloud cuckoo land maybe but I've fought so hard to move back to my favourite place I don't want to risk it if we split.

I have told him many times but it won't register. He responds explosively (verbally only) or ignores me I don't think he truly understands though. He isn't an empathic person and is often in his own little world.

I have minded for the last 10 years but saw my parents have a really bad divorce and my mum destroyed so I've tried to keep the peace.

Yes I do love him and in the beginning it was just us against the world. Want that back and am not a quitter.

Essentially what you are saying here is all sorts of reasons why
a/ you are unhappy and
b/ why you are not going to actually do anything about it.

Your husband has lived with you for 10 years and he KNOWS you and he KNOWS that nothing will change no matter how much you complain. So he is not ever going to be different. He doesn't care enough about you to change his behaviour. Fact. Proven fact.

So stop expecting him to man up and really start to focus on what YOU really want. It is madness to go on wishing that he will change. You have to start to change you.

If you really want all the stuff I have quoted then - you have already got it and you will be unhappy for the rest of your life.

If you really want a better life then you can simply ask him to leave. Can you actually face your own fears about that? Try imagining a life that isn't spent trying to maintain an appalling situation. Try to imagine being able to relax in your own house on your own.

sometimes quitting is the best decision

and I saw no flaming

Like your advice Haffiana - Thankyou. You've hit the nail on the head with imagining being alone in my own home relaxing!
I do know I have been given good advice here but am a little tender on some things - hard to admit you've tried to make something work from a promising start and failed. If I can fix it - if WE can fix it - we will. But if not - I'll focus on ending it and I will do it. But I will be 100% sure it is beyond saving before I react.

Why are you with this useless turd? You may love him but do you even like him?

To be frank your posts read as though you're seeing him differently to how he actually is. Like you're viewing him as a person who could be the partner you want if he'd just do a, b or c instead of seeing him as the moany, lazy, sponging, disrespectful, abusive bastard that you've described here.

OP certainly in your original post, you come across as quite patronising as if your job is more important because you earn more. Then you talk about 'my' house and wanting to love back to where you grew up, you doing a degree - do you consider yourselves as a team? Are these joint decisions? It doesn't sound like it.

I agree that housework etc should be shared but if he's not pulled his weight for 10yrs, why now? Why has it come to a head now?

The bit that jumped out at me was if you try to discuss he blows up verbally or ignores you. He is shutting down any mature discussion and that is unacceptable. It will also be the death knell of your relationship. I also think he is using you, he has a very comfortable life at your financial and emotional expense. Regardless of what happened with your parents this is your life. He needs to acknowledge your needs and enter into an adult conversation about it which translates into sustained change or you must decide to put up with it or end it

Why the fuck would anyone want to be with this waste of space?!
Leave him op. He’s not worth working on. Guaranteed he’ll promise to “reform” then one day you’ll turn around and be posting here again.
Sounds like your his retirement plan.

He sounds like a lazy entitled arse. Why are you running yourself ragged for him? Not fair on you at all.

AgentJohnson is bang on correct OP, and you know she is

Why on earth are you putting up with this shit?

Find the money and get a cleaner. It's honestly Amazing and worth every penny and no more fighting about dirty floors and messy showers.
You think I'm kidding but coming home to a sparkly house at the end of each week for 2 or 3 hours of my wages is actually worth it.

I was you ... exactly as Agent Johnson says ...
One day I realised it would never change and I walked ... so happy now ... please consider leaving it really will be the best thing you ever did ..
Don’t waste 20 years as I did ..

OP if you think your marriage is savable what's your plan? Assuming he is not abusive I'd say couples' counselling.

I'd also say he needs to work full time to share the load and the housework needs to be shared. If he works part time he does the lions share.

Can I ask roughly how old you are?

You don't need a rota, you are not house mates! He needs to be responsible for at least half of the housework if he is not working full time.

Document all silent treatment and any explosive responses.

Please check with solicitor what will happen re your shared home if you divorce.

Are you from different cultures? Do you live in your home country? He needs to have his expectations brought to the level of the current age! Wives don't pander to their husband's every need in the 21st century!

Plus please stop doing his laundry, he sounds like he is really using you and you need to get his attention!

Ignore the messages saying 'well you put up with it for 10 years what's changed'? Unhelpful and an easy score for some bitchy ladies with nothing better to do than sharpen their raggedy claws. You reached out for advice and are obviously trying to make a life changing decision. If you can make a break though and save it (if you want to try) then go for it and good luck to you. If not well at least you tried and can close that chapter of your life firmly and move on.

Spend your money on counselling. He needs to listen to you and you are speaking PST each other at the moment.

You make complete sense to us, OP, but we’re not really your target. You need to go to a counsellor.

*PST = past

If He has no support for me is across your entire relationship, does it not tell you the answer?

So you want to lay down more of the mortgage so he can take more of the house when you divorce as opposed to selling now - showing your input and coming away with more? And then paying off your own mortgage?

Just why?