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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband has up and left me with 3 children. Advice please!!

47 replies

Frankie1710 · 16/11/2018 18:14

My husband told me at the beginning of this week that he 'wasn't happy' anymore and needed to go.
We have been together for nearly 18 years and married for 7. We have an 8 yr old son and 5 year old twin boys.
I'm absolutely devastated.
In Wednesday night we were relatively normal and he just looked at me and said 'I need to go, I'm telling the kids now!'
I pleaded with him not to say anything to the kids or maybe say he needs to work away for a few days but no came straight out with it. Our 8 yr old was distraught! I have never been so upset to see something so awful.
I asked for a reason. His response 'I love you, I love the kids but I'm just not happy'
How can that be a good enough reason?
I've noticed little signs of him being down and after putting some pieces together I really think he's suffering with depression.
I have mentioned this to him and he just said 'I don't believe in depression, I am not being shoved on anti-depressents'.
He left and went to live with his mum who just can't believe it. She's been so supportive to me and the kids.
I want to shout, scream, and cry but I've done the absolute opposite. I'm totally numb and don't know what to do.
Had anyone ever been through this?
I keep thinking he's having some sort of breakdown or crisis but he just won't talk to anyone.
His only reason is unhappiness.
I feel completely lost.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2018 18:57

Is there another woman? I think there is. He's using the script quite well.

Thewindsofchange · 16/11/2018 19:02

That's awful. Sorry, I've no real advice but I couldn't read and run.

Can his mum or a friend have a word with him perhaps? He needs to man up not just run away.

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/11/2018 19:03

Honestly forget him for now. Focus on what needs to be done. Get all the papers together you need. What do you need money wise? Can you manage childcare? Can you manage money wise - he needs to pay morgage etc still!!
The emotional stuff is awful but don't forgot the practical stuff that needs to be done first. Can you call a friend or family member for emotional support?

MsJolly · 16/11/2018 19:05

Seems to be following the well worn script😢 I’d suspect another woman on the scene x

SpaSushi · 16/11/2018 19:06

Similar happened to a friend. He was depressed. After a few weeks he realised his mistake and opened up , he felt the 'best thing' at the time was to leave the family given how low he felt; subsequently realised/ admitted the issue and they are working it out

However, i am also experienced in the ' not happy' relationship ending scenario - it was true and it was non reversible.

You need to take a breath, give him sometime to sort out his headspace and to really understand and articulate why/what is going on; but at the same time get your ducks in a row re finances etc just in case.

Hugs to you- its not an easy road ahead whatever happens x

Holidayshopping · 16/11/2018 19:10

Is there someone else?

DianaT1969 · 16/11/2018 19:11

Any unusual behaviour lately? Guarding his phone? I'd suspect another woman too. In any case, you need to stop feeling sorry for him. He's the one who left you to care for his children alone. He didn't discuss any problems with you. He didn't give you the chance to help 'fix' things. So put yourself and the children first now. Good luck OP

zippey · 16/11/2018 19:12

It’s either another man/woman or depression. Either way, shocking way to treat your children.

ILoveAutum · 16/11/2018 19:16

(((Hug)))

The first thing you need to hear is that you WILL be ok. Try to believe it, because you will be. Promise.

Of course it’ll be very hard and it’s a dreadful thing to go through, but you WILL be ok. 🌷

You need to prepare yourself for finding out he’s involved with someone else. Men very, very, rarely leave until there’s someone else to pick up the pieces. They’re often introduced, very quickly, as the ‘new girlfriend’.

Anyway, he’s at his Mum’s. She can mother him, YOU have 3 actual children who need you and, of course, your own feelings to deal with.

He was a TOTAL arse to dump it on his children like that. He should have discussed with you what to say to them, then told them at the weekend. Not dumping ‘I’m not happy’ on them randomly one night in the week then fucking off.

Take a practical approach.

Tell a few close friends & your family if they’re supportive. If they’re not, don’t feel obliged to tell them too soon. You don’t need their crap as well.

House - owned or rented? In whose name?

Practical arrangements if you need to change childcare arrangements/school drop offs etc. People will help if you ask.

Benefits/tax credits/cms - don’t delay, get onto it because it takes ages.

Be ANGRY, he’s deserted you and left you with everything to sort out while he (st best) gets looked after by mummy or (as I suspect) is freeing himself of responsibility because he’s seeing someone else.

You WILL be ok 💐

KristinaM · 16/11/2018 19:17

Do what spanglyprincess says. And take 80% of the money in your joint account and put it in your own account in another bank.

ohhi · 16/11/2018 19:58

I don't want to put ideas into your head but are you sure there isn't someone else? Men don't usually leave unless there is.

VeryQuaintIrene · 16/11/2018 20:29

What a colossal wanker. I don't have anything to add but - sorry. (My dad did something similar so I relate.)

Hezz · 16/11/2018 20:31

What a prick. You'll get through this x

HamiltonCork · 16/11/2018 20:39

I know your head will probably be all over the place at the moment but it’s time get badass.
Get legal advice as soon as possible.
Do you work? If not look into what benefits you are entitled to first thing tomorrow.
Do not be a shoulder to cry on. This will be really hard but if you want him to come back you have to act like you couldn’t give a shit that he left in the first place. (I’m not sure if you should take him back but it’s your life so do what you think is best)
Be there for your kids. Their dad has let them down massively and they need you more than ever
Get real life support. Do not keep this to yourself.

moredoll · 16/11/2018 20:41

It does sound like depression, or perhaps another mental health issue.
The main thing is to try and keep life stable for the children. If his mum's onside perhaps she could help with this, and also try and persuade him to see a doctor and talk it through.

Agree with pps. Get the money in the bank accounts and any benefits you're entitled to sorted out.

I'd only be allowing contact supervised at all times by his DM for the time being until it becomes clearer what's wrong. But his behaviour sounds very unstable.

Somethingwentwrong · 16/11/2018 20:57

I’ve just been through/going through this

Forget if there is or isn’t OW. It’s not important right now and will just be torturing yourself.

The most important thing is to see a solicitor soon. Start asking around / go on Legal section of MN. It’s daunting maybe but then you at least know where you stand you don’t actually have to do anything

Cawfee · 16/11/2018 21:03

Is this the first time he’s mentioned being unhappy? If it is then no wonder you are in shock! Is his mum now running around after him cooking/cleaning etc? Has he reverted to being a looked after teenager?

Twinmumboys · 16/11/2018 21:18

My username has changed (I'm the original poster)
I don't honestly think there is another woman.
I work full time as a teaching assistant which fits in perfectly with my children so no issues with childcare and things thankfully.
I have rang to sort out tax credits yesterday so things should be in place in a few weeks (I had absolutely no idea what I was doing)
Luckily we rent our house from my parents so I know we will always have a home.
He came over a couple of hours ago to put the boys to bed (I feel that it's not their fault and they still need to see their dad although our eldest seemed a little distant)
He will take our eldest to football in Sunday morning and he suggested doing something afterwards. Our eldest insisted that I have to go too.
He looked a mess if I'm honest. Said he needs to get away for a few days to 'think'
I then insisted that I do the same when he gets back ha ha.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2018 21:36

Fuck him. How nice for him that he has the luxury of fucking off to "think." I would tell him to stay wherever the hell it is he's going. You will be just fine, op.

KristinaM · 16/11/2018 22:02

Don’t do anything with him together on Sunday. Let him take out the kids alone. This is what his life is going to be like so he might as well start now.

He doesn’t get to fuck off from all the work of parenting and then get to play happy families for a few hours when it suits him.

Let him see what he’s missing.

Holidayshopping · 16/11/2018 22:16

Don’t do anything with him together on Sunday. Let him take out the kids alone. This is what his life is going to be like so he might as well start now.

This x 1000

MsJolly · 16/11/2018 22:35
Flowers
Blueberryhill123 · 16/11/2018 22:38

Said he needs to get away for a few days

I read this as an excuse to fuck off with his bit on the side whilst your looking after.his children. Sorry OP.

Changedname3456 · 17/11/2018 06:48

There doesn’t have to be another woman, and none of us know what was going on in the OP’s marriage to be slating the guy so much. In reversed situations it’s almost always advised to get out of a relationship you’re not happy in, “life’s too short” etc.

Chances are he’s been unhappy for a while and bottled it up. It’s a shock to the OP but (to him) will have been the end of the line for a number of good (to him) reasons - whether they actually make sense to anyone else is another matter.

OP - it sounds like you’re doing well on the practical side. I think all you can do is encourage him to get some counselling (for himself) so he can be a better father to the DC. Encourage him to establish a good routine with them.

If you still want the marriage to survive this just tell him you’re open to talking about it when he’s ready, but in the meantime you’re going to assume it’s over and prepare accordingly. That means he needs to have a contact routine in place for the DC and needs to get himself in a position where he can have them overnight.

TakeTwoOfThat · 17/11/2018 11:31

Sorry about this. It's been similar for me. Was with my husband 14 years, 5 children. He left me 6 months ago. All those 6 months still asked me for sex, still planning a future with me but I Should 'wait for him till he's ready'
Then a few days ago I found out he was with a new woman and she's pregnant
There is something wrong with these type of men