Husband has up and left me with 3 children. Advice please!!

[Frankie1710]

My husband told me at the beginning of this week that he 'wasn't happy' anymore and needed to go.
We have been together for nearly 18 years and married for 7. We have an 8 yr old son and 5 year old twin boys.
I'm absolutely devastated.
In Wednesday night we were relatively normal and he just looked at me and said 'I need to go, I'm telling the kids now!'
I pleaded with him not to say anything to the kids or maybe say he needs to work away for a few days but no came straight out with it. Our 8 yr old was distraught! I have never been so upset to see something so awful.
I asked for a reason. His response 'I love you, I love the kids but I'm just not happy'
How can that be a good enough reason?
I've noticed little signs of him being down and after putting some pieces together I really think he's suffering with depression.
I have mentioned this to him and he just said 'I don't believe in depression, I am not being shoved on anti-depressents'.
He left and went to live with his mum who just can't believe it. She's been so supportive to me and the kids.
I want to shout, scream, and cry but I've done the absolute opposite. I'm totally numb and don't know what to do.
Had anyone ever been through this?
I keep thinking he's having some sort of breakdown or crisis but he just won't talk to anyone.
His only reason is unhappiness.
I feel completely lost.

Sorry to hear this 💐 similar story here 6 years ago h decided he 'wasn't happy' and 'there must be more to life than this' and left with no prior warning.
You WILL BE OK get support from your friends and family. Don't let him back you into a corner regarding finances and hold your ground when it comes to disagreements also don't agree to anything without thinking it through first.
I suspect there is another woman or he is interested in one....in xh case he liked someone who then turned him down once he left us, she liked the idea of being ow without the other ties!

How are you Op? This is shocking and his outburst to the children is terrible.How selfish to put his needs first.

There is a book that might help "Runaway Husbands" as other women have e experienced this.
I hope you are getting support. Is your H going to work? Has he told any friends?

What is it with these feckless losers who think it appropriate to just bugger off and relinquish any responsibilities?
It must be the ultimately most selfish move they can make.
I'd tell him to get lost, it's over and seek advice from a solicitor.
I would certainly never trust him again.

There doesn’t have to be another woman, and none of us know what was going on in the OP’s marriage to be slating the guy so much. In reversed situations it’s almost always advised to get out of a relationship you’re not happy in, “life’s too short” etc

I have never ever seen a post on MN where a woman was advised to leave her husband and children because “ life’s too short”. Let alone threads where this is “ almost always” the advice .

Can you please link to some of these many threads?

OP- I’m sorry for the pain you are going through, but had to mention a very simple fact.

The biggest killer of men under 60 in the UK is not road accidents, alcohol or cancer... but depression.

Doesn’t excuse his actions, but seems the members of this site take great delight in kicking men than trying to understand what the issue is.

If it’s another woman, then take him to the cleaners. But sounds like it’s depression... I’m sure you’d prefer your husband sort out his head than take his own life... the statistics don’t lie.

Prioritise your kids well being. They come first. Give him space. Work with his mum to understand the reasons.

I disagree. She needs to secure her children’s future first.

Why is always the women’s job to work out the reasons? It’s his job, he’s a grown adult. No one can force his to go to the doctors, the Op has already tried.

He is living with his mother. I’m sure that his family , friends and colleagues are well able to point him to medical helps if and when he needs it.

The OP has enough to do caring for herself and her children . She’s under a huge mental strain - please don’t also try to make her responsible for his health.

And I think your comment to her - to sort him out or he’ll die and it will be your fault - is extremely inappropriate.

It’s also extremely distressing to those of us who have lost a relative to suicide .

You clearly unaware that a large proportion of men who leave marriages because they say they are unhappy turn out in fact to have OW waiting in the wings.

No one on this thread knows if he’s cheating or depressed or both or neither . But it’s not the OPs job to work with his mother to fix him.

Well said KristinaM.

So sorry you’re going through this OP

Midlife crisis, there might be someone else - not necessary in relationship with her though.

How old is he?

My dh has been in his midlife crisis since turn 40s. I can't have any jokes about us getting old, more grey etc. Absolutely will ruin the rest of our day.

Does he appreciate what you do for the family? My dh is an idiot, he only wake up when he realised he actually have to look after the kids if I am gone, how much less freedom he would have without me as I was the one who sacrificed all my time for his freedom and leisure. Being depressed is not a card for selfish behaviour.

You need to make sure he still has to take parental responsibility, let him watch the kids over the weekends alone, let him experience life without you.

I'm soo sorry this is happening to you
He sounds like a selfish git tbh he isnt worth your time trying to work out whats going through his head. Instead focus on you and your boys. Do you have anyone who can help support you? Lean on people you can trust and take care of yourself. Take thibgs

*Take things one day at a time. X

Are you ok OP?

I'm Ok. He came for the boys this morning although the twins didn't want to go so they have stayed with me.
He came in wearing a shirt and nearly a full bottle.of aftershave and told me how he'd been out last night for a few drinks with his best friend and his new girlfriend. I really do not get on with his best friend but I kept a brave face and attitude and just said 'ah that'll have been nice' when really I wanted to kick off big time (Which i will not let myself do because to me that reaction will a good excuse for him to show people why he left)

My sister's DH did this.
He lasted about 10 days then came home with his tail between his legs and then made a real effort to improve their marriage. 15 years later, they're still together and he's so much more supportive and respectful these days.
There was no other woman, but he definitely had a panic about his life and felt scared about getting older and his options being fewer.
It's not necessarily the end of your marriage so don't make any hasty decisions at this stage but equally, be assertive and don't beg him to come home.
Sometimes we all need to escape reality for a bit.

Twinmumboys, I assume you are op?

So there is someone else, the reason you never noticed there was anything wrong because there was nothing wrong until this new lover appear, that was the same rubbish my dh said when he cheated, it's an excuse for their wrong doing.

There is little you can do now, he will be in his honeymoon at least for few months, get as much support as you can from your family and friends and start remove your emotions from this unfaithful, unworthy person.

Start look into finance side of things if divorce going to happen.

Take care

His new girlfriend? Or his friend's new girlfriend?

So sorry you're going through this op

I'm so sorry! That's awful :(

You'll get through this. It'll take time but you will xxx

It's his friend's new girlfriend not my husband's.

Sadly it could be your dh new girlfriend, or he'll 'meet' a friend of hers and all will be wonderful because he was already 'single'.

Best of luck op, it's shit, but keep talking.

The past 6 weeks have been utter hell for me and my 3 children. My husband left us at the begining of october 😢😢 his reasons were he doesnt love me anymore and is not happy. We have been together for 28 years since school and he was my bestest friend my soulmate my life. We did have normal arguments and fall out but i loved him and if i ever thought he was unhappy i would of instantly tried to fix what i could. He has been down with work. He hates work. I found out he was having councilling for it, my FIL told me which upset me because we told each other everything. We have been through hell and back. I have Lupus and put up with being fine then being really ill. Ive been depressed this year and had time off work for it in May. All this and he was the most caring supportive husband. I often asked if i was a burden but he always said never. Im dying without him. I miss him so much. Everything reminds me of him. I want to know how he is if he is ok if he has eaten properly if he has slept well. The pain is unbearable. For the past 6 weeks ive slept and cried and thats about it. Im a mess. I dont want anything or anyone but him. Im just about feeding the kids but thats it. Im struggling and i cannot ever see how i can get over him when i love him so much. I have the crisis team coming out to me daily as i had to cry for help after taking a rather large overdose of painkillers. I feel no different at all. 2 weeks ago i found out he was texting a mum i knew from one of our childs school. I was furious because she had upset my friend and i didnt like her but for him to text her and tell her he is single made me want to kill myself even more. This isnt my life at all its a nightmare. I cannot wake up in the morning without feeling im having a bad dream. He likes her apparently but you cant help who you like. I cannot stop thinking what will happen when they meet up or get together. Why do that at our sons school under our noses. I just cannot cope. I dont know what to do. I just want to feel better. He keeps telling me to move on but i cant not yet. I love him so so much. But she is killing me. He knew i didnt like her. What can i do 😢😢😢

@Manda909 Maybe make a new thread as you will get more replies and help x

Thankyou, I did do but dont know how to delete this one ?

Oh okay I didn't see your thread. Don't worry x