Would it piss you off if DH disagreed with EVERY opinion you gave?

[Cheeseofftoast]

We have had this struggle for years and it really gets me down. I feel constantly invalidated and unsupported and wrong and too sensitive.
EVERY single time I give an opinion, DH has to disagree and/or give another side/opinion on the matter EVEN if I say x, y and z has made me feel like A. He will still imply that I shouldn't feel this way.
I can be a sensitive person but I'm also quite balanced and consider what I'm thinking or feeling before I express it.

An example would be today's conversation. I've been concerned about favouritism in my child's class as one child appears to get and win everything. Yesterday, as the children were coming out of school, I overheard another child say to their parent "C gets chosen for everything, the teacher likes her best" after said child has been chosen to represent the school again in something else.
This I feel, shows that my concerns are probably valid as they are shared even by the pupils, I have not spoken to anyone about this previously.
I told DH when I got home. It bothers me as I also suspect my own child isnt being given many opportunities. She doesn't like her new class teacher after loving school last year.
DH makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable by saying:
"Maybe said child is better than the other kids and genuinely deserves everything"
"Maybe our kid is naughty"
"Maybe you didnt hear properly"
"You are turning into one of 'those' mums"

Makes me feel so silly.
I am so careful about what I say to him so I don't come across as unreasonable, but even when my thoughts/concerns seem valid, he still makes me feel slightly insane.

This is just one example but it happens a lot.

I had a friend like this. Just seemed to want to invalidate my feelings and undermine me in nearly every situation. It is crushing and annoying. I could see she had learned it from a family member but denied that despite being an intelligent person [who was never wrong!]. If someone doesn't accept their behaviour then there's nowhere to go with it, no solution.

No longer a friend.

Its abusive and controlling

If you can't get away from him/his family I would just avoid speaking around them

After their speel can you just say 'I think that's bollocks' thereby making your feelings known but not arguing back so not prolonging a pointless spat.

It's a purely negative emotional response, not a reasoned objectivr criticism of your position. It's more like constant contradiction and antagonism for the sake of it.

It would drive me completely round the twist.

My DH does this. He has for years and I have slowly found myself not talking to him about things as I can't be bothered with the negative comeback. I find it so draining.

I have spoken to him about it and how I feel he belittles my opinions and he was genuinely surprised. He hasn't realised he was doing it. He has since cut it down it I still notice it creeping in.

Have you spoken to him about it OP? Maybe he doesn't know and if told he may make an effort to stop?

Interesting what you said about it being learnt. Now I think about it his family are the same whereas mine aren't. Clash of personalities I suppose but I can understand how it can make you feel very down.

That sounds really annoying, my dd will argue black is white if I say it's black but she is 12yo 😉

Yip. It's abusive. Hes undermining you on purpose. I bet he does loads and loads of other shitty things too.

My stbxh was like this, one of many reasons why he is ex

Similar here, was so draining at times.

Urgh devil's advocate people are so annoying. They think they're so clever but actually are often just giving petty irrelevant arguments. I'd find it really annoying if my oh did that. I think it's also really unsupportive that he can't allow you your negative feelings which are part of life. What's he like other than this?

H is like this too. I walk off now as I can't bear to hear him go on and on.

His family do do it too - well his mother does. They will argue the opposite opinion just for the sake of it. If I say the opposite next week, he will too.

Hm, my ex did this quite a bit, and it got worse over time. The worst thing was that he would value and listen to other people's opinions and feelings (especially men's), often over mine. This, especially, made me feel like the real problem was him not respecting or valuing me. That was the worst thing over time.

After we split up, our son had therapy, and at one point my ex and I had to go in and talk to the therapist. As we discussed one issue, my ex responded as usual with "he should just ignore it, X can't help it" just as you say above. The therapist firmly told him that a person's hurt feelings are valid even if the other person didn't mean it that way. And my ex listened (of course, he respects the therapist!) and acted as if he had really just understood that point.

So my suggestion would be a decent therapist. Because how are you going to get him to believe he's doing something unpleasant when the whole point is that he dosn't respect you enough to believe what you say? It has to come from someone else, I think.

My stbxh was like this, one of many reasons why he is ex

Similar here too. Absolutely exhausting and frustrating. A few years of it was more than enough.

Next time he does this, can you say something like 'oh here we go again.' With a loud weary sigh. Do it every time he starts to contradict you.

Tbh it sounds exhausting and soul destroying. You must feel like you've lost huge chunks of yourself if you're afraid to open your mouth for fear of him contradicting you.

Is he v competitive? Sounds like he always wants the last word. I'd stop talking to him due a while to see if he notices, or just make v light small talk with nothing remotely opinionated or controversial to see what happens.

It sounds v tiresome for you.

My in-laws are like this and my DH has traits of this too. It’s bloody hard work at times but I’ve found that if I shine a mirror on his behaviour he does acknowledge it and apologises for it once he’s understood how he has come across and how invalidated it’s made me feel. I think he will always struggle wit him this as it’s a learned behaviour from his rather odd parents. If he couldn’t see how his behaviour came across then I doubt we’d still be together as it really erodes trust and at times has really made me doubt myself.

I do feel that way and I find myself stressing over how to phrase things. I dont feel valued or respected as no, he does not do this to other men! It is soul destroying. Sorry to hear of others suffering too. It has an emotional impact on me each time he does it, to the point that I've noticed a pattern of consuming something sugary not long afterwards as if trying to comfort myself with something sweet!

My DH is the exact same OP. It's making me feel like I actually hate him. I won't bore anyone with the details but yes, it is soul destroying and it is eroding my love at a rapid pace now that I'm able to pinpoint this issue (for awhile I just knew he always made me feel bad and couldn't figure out what was going on).

I have pointed out that he does it numerous times but he is dismissive and basically tells me to stop finding reasons to be upset. Seriously.

Putting someone down, making them feel their opinion is wrong , making them feel worthless , making them feel they can't use their voice and making someone feel low is not loving someone or caring for their feelings. It's actually enjoying seeing someone hurt.

This is not an equal, caring relationship. Don't fool yourself that you love someone who degrades you. You're worth more , a hell of a lot more.

My dad is like this and I've considered doing the old MN reverse on him.

Countering, dismissing and minimising are, at root, controlling behaviours. It is not trivial.

It is often done as a way to exert dominance: you may find your ‘contradictor’ doesn’t even care much about the topic but is getting a mild kick out of making you wrong in some way. You ‘haven’t understood/are too sensitive/can’t see any other point of view’ : but they are of course intelligent/open minded/better informed (insert favourite self congratulatory term)

I find myself stressing over how to phrase things. I dont feel valued or respected .....It is soul destroying.

Yes, it is. I would have a hard look at this relationship.

My exh was like this too. Sometimes he would not even wait until I had finished my sentence before saying 'no, actually.....' it was like it came out so automatically that he didn't even need to hear what I had to say first.... it is controlling and abusive and the cause of so many confusing arguments. I was never right, I had never handled a situation correctly and the other person was always right in any situation I recounted to him. Reading this post actually made me feel anxious!

Yes, I divorced him. I am now with someone who is interested in my opinion, we debate healthily and neither of us is scared to say 'actually yeah I never thought of it like that, you're right'

That's not debating, that's contradicting. It's a power and disrespect thing. My parents do it all the time. Showing the other person is wrong is more important than being actually right.

I hate it! It is learned behaviour, but I unlearned it. (Still have to bit my tongue now and again unfortunately). So can your dh but he doesn't want to.

You need him to accept it's twat behaviour and unlearn or you need a very sarcastic catch phrase and use it every time.

"Oh score one for you in the pointless contradictions challenge lol" is nice and belittling. Cos he's belittling you every time he does it.

My dh reacts in a very emotional way to a lot of situations and like a pp said my rational mind reacts. He often thinks l don't support him but l feel his reaction is over the top and feel the need to balance that.
I do try to be more aware of saying the support thing but to be honest in my head l am still thinking..stop making a bit drama out of this.
I accept a lot of that is my issue so struggling to change it but l hate bloody drama and its an effort.

June I was the same with my ex. I had realised in individual counselling that maybe he just wanted sympathy.. I spoke to him, apologised, and said I would examine my reactions carefully.

I was brought up in a debate-filled home. I learned a lot about devil's advocate because context influences opinions and experience so greatly.

I do maintain it's possible to play devil's advocate and be supportive. Maybe that's what is missing.

My ex is narcissistic twat though. I'd have been wrong whatever I did. It's been sobering experience to read this thread.

OP I'm sorry you are going through this. I'd say it might help you to build your resilience to his comments, to make them matter less to you? I get that spouses are there to support and guide, and you feel let down. Just a coping mechanism whilst you decide what to do longer term?

He will still imply that I shouldn't feel this way.

This resonated with me as my xDH did this all the time. Tried to deny and invalidate my feelings. I found it very diminishing, almost like a lesser person not entitled to feelings.