Who is right? Ill DS and total disagreement

[Fooferella]

DS started feeling poorly last night so this morning I checked how he was and he had a sore throat, blocked nose etc - classic cold symptoms. I usually would insist he go to school but he didn't sleep well either and today is a half day so thought it wouldn't hurt to keep him home.
When DH heard of this he insisted that DS was fine and I was being a terrible parent. He threatened to stay home from work and take DS to school himself. (DS is 8) He said I'm obsessed with illness and basically that I'm giving my son a complex.
So I capitulated a bit and when DH was upstairs talked to DS about going to school. He started to cry and told me that I ALWAYS let him(DH) win. That really made me think, and he's partially right.
I ended up standing up to DH and insisting DS stayed home today. DH yelled at DS that if he's so ill he has to stay in bed all day then he stormed off to work in a huff.
So my question is not whether or not DS should or shouldn't have gone to school but whether I was right in standing my ground?
I don't want DS growing up seeing me always capitulate to his father's demands. DH is not abusive but he does have a controlling streak and can be immovable in his opinions. He also lacks empathy when he's in the moment although will often concede the point afterwards once he's mulled it over. WWYD in this situation?

I’d leave my cunt of a husband who had no empathy and is a controlling twat.

You were absolutely RIGHT. DH was trying to overrule you and take control of the situation when actually it's nothing to do with him. He's going to be at work anyway. We have to protect our children, sometimes even from their own fathers.

No one can actually say if you are right.

Your dh might be right about you being obsessed with illness.

Your ds may have said that about his dad, winning to guilt you into letting him stay home.

Or your husband could be a twat.

It must be pretty bad if your ds has noticed it! I think you now need to keep an eye on this controlling behaviour.

DH would absolutely trust my judgement on the kids, especially regarding illness.

Why was he so angry? Has ds missed a lot of school? Seems a very extreme reaction for a one off.

notaclue I don't think any of those are mutually exclusive and could be a combination of all 3.
mrsjane DS is generally robust and doesn't miss much school at all. DH is a bit of a tiger dad about his education. I'm more concerned for emotional health in my parenting. This causes fairly frequent differences of opinion in parenting.

My father was like this, he was always right and everyone else wasn’t. When I had flu I had to hide in the garden for an hour until my dad got home so he didn’t realise mum had kept me off school.

I think yelling at an unwell child is disgusting. If you are constantly giving into his controlling ways for an easy life, that is not a good example to be setting for your son either and isn’t a good way for you to live. Do you often feel you are treading on eggshells around him?

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. Your H is the abusive one here by insisting your son is fine when he is clearly not and HE is the terrible parent. Its not as if either he was going to stay home with his child, he went off to work instead. Who died and made this bloke king?.

You were right in standing your ground here and to keep your son at home today.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here from the two of you?. How many times have you before bent to your H's will?.

Oh he is a bloody tiger dad. In other words lousy and wanting to make his child an extension of him, the Big Man, to make him appear good to others.

Think your son is very perceptive here actually, children know far more than many adults ever give them credit for and he is shining a light on an area of your relationship that you have not wanted to really look at.

barbed I was brought up by a single mum who woukd have to miss work if I was ill so her reaction was usually "Jesus Ch, that's just what I need a @!$#% sick kid". It made me feel unloved when i was already feeling unwell. I vowed to NEVER be like that.
I used to walk on eggshells with DH but I'm seeing a therapist and getting help with my self-esteem. It's so hard to know what to do in the heat of the moment though. I always doubt myself because DH is so certain about everything.

Yes, I think in this circumstance you were right to stand your ground. If you don’t do that very often, it’s natural that you are now doubting yourself and anxious about it, but really, well done!

I would carry on seeing the therapist particularly if you are finding that person helpful. I also think that to some extent you are still walking on eggshells (aka code to my mind for living in fear) around your husband.

Your DH seems to be really another version of your mother (who in her way taught you a lot of crap about relationships), that is likely what your H thought too.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of your own are being met here by this person?.

I probably would have sent my DC to school. Bit of Calpol and off you go. Therefore if my DP has kept them off I'd also have disagreed.

attila you make good points. Obviously it is more complex in real life and DH is not all bad but I'm definitely using my therapist to help regain my sense of self so I have the strength to change the dynamic. It may be that leaving him is the best option.
Today I just needed to know if I was ruining my son's life by letting him stay home. i felt almost paralysed when we were in the middle of the argument, like i was stuck between DH and DS and couldn't see the way through to the best decision. I guess that's anxiety, yes?

Often it's the first day of a cold when that sore throat comes in when you feel the worst. Especially in the morning. Plus he hadn't slept well. Plus it was a half day. Plus the poor kids is only eight years old.

Why on earth did your husband get in such a state about it? Is he often shouty and nasty?

Headcolds can be rotten and they can linger too. I would not and have indeed not gone into work previously because of this. There are no prizes given out for going in to work or school and being ill whilst you are there (or with the likelihood you get sent home early). You did right in keeping him off today and today at his school is a half day too. I'd be keeping him company on the sofa and watch a good film.

Changing a set dynamic is nigh on impossible; this is ingrained within his psyche. Chances are also that one or both of his own parents act the same way so it is learnt behaviour. This is who he is and such men do not change.

Of course you were not ruining your son's life by keeping him off school today; that is the impression perhaps that your H (and to a lesser extent your mother) wanted to give you. They think they are the ones being inconvenienced.

You can ultimately only change how you react to him.

What struck me in reading your OP was that you didn’t ever actually make an active decision and stick to it.

You did what your DH told you to do and then you did what your DS told you to do.

The men in your life both manipulated you.

Like PP said I wouldn’t have kept my child off because they had a cold and were a bit tired.

It was a half day, I’d have given them some calpol sent them off and then let them doze in front of the TV this afternoon if necessary.

And I mostly agree with your DH, if you are too ill for school you stay in bed. If that’s too boring you are probably well enough to go.

There is never any middle ground on these threads. You need to talk this out with your husband. Maybe he thinks you are too soft (will let him take days off in future over things he doesn't think warrant it), which is only going to continue to be something you argue over in the future if you don't resolve it now.

"You did what your DH told you to do and then you did what your DS told you to do"

OP certainly jumped to attention re her H here but DS pointed out to his mother that she always lets dad win. That comment from her son made her think.

A day off is better than going in you get rested and feel better you were right

You do have bigger issues though if this is how he reacts

OP certainly jumped to attention re her H here but DS pointed out to his mother that she always lets dad win. That comment from her son made her think.

It did make her think. It also guilt tripped her into letting him have what he wanted which was the day off. Divide and conquer.

She didn’t change her mind because she really thought he was ill. She changed her mind because he made her feel guilty.

The OP’s DH might indeed be horrible. He might not. We can’t tell from here.

I’d be interested to know what constitutes “not much” time off given both the DH and DS’s attitude to this.

Thank you all for your advice and for being gentle with me. DH has texted saying he knows I'm "only doing my best" for DS. I texted back telling him I stood my ground so DS wouldn't always see me giving in to him. He then said sorry but not for anything specific.
attila you're probably right that the dynamic won't change because he won't. I told my therapist that I was slightly resentful that I was in therapy and not him. She said that's usually the way and her job is to build me up so I have the strength to make decisions for me and DS. So yes, the only thing I can change is my reactions. It's bloody hard though. And exhausting!

A cold can feel like anything from an inconvenient sniffle to almost as severe as flu, and we can't judge how ill someone else feels. If I was unsure I would ususually say, 'ok we'll send you back to bed for a couple of hours then see how you feel'. If the child feels sick enough to stay in bed all day, they probably are, if they get bored and get up they get taken into school late with a simple explanation that they have a cold and it was a bit too much first thing.
Husband sounds controlling and it sounds a bit like he had a temper tantrum at your child when he lost, not good, that needs sorting.

nona I think this is DS first sick day this year. He really doesn't get to stay home at the first sign of a sniffle every time and is rarely ill at all.

OP is there any truth to what your DH said about you being obsessed with illness? It doesn’t change the fact that he was a twat in this situation, but if it’s something that really bothers him it may have come out in this situation. You don’t seem to be looking at that part of the issue.

I also agree that your 8 year old has you just where he wants you. Kids are smarter than we think and they have no conscience about manipulating their parents to get what they want — especially a day home from school. I’m not saying your child should have gone to school, just that you shouldn’t have let him dictate your response to your DH. Even if what he said made you think, it still seemed like your son got his way. I know how hard it is but you should do everything you can to remain a united front and stick to your decisions. Could you have discussed this with your DH privately before telling DS he could stay home?

Again, I’m not saying your DH’s behavior was OK. But it sounds like there’s a lot of history here, and today’s incident was only a snapshot. It’s hard to know what’s really going on. But it is clear that you’re not happy with the dynamic and you are doing very well by going to therapy. Are you thinking of leaving your DH?