What could he be getting her for Xmas...?

[zozozoo]

So earlier this evening in response to me suggesting what I think is a good idea of a present to get our dd for Xmas, dp says he'll be getting her something himself for when she's older. I ask what it will be. He says it's none of my business. Whaaat? I bring it up again later... Why is it none of my business? Because he doesn't trust me with the information. Great.

I feel shit on by the fact he's responded to me like that and sad as it's like he's decided to place me at a distance for some reason. Though I reckon that in his head it's probably perfectly legitimate to not tell me and thinks he was just being honest, plus he doesn't owe me an explanation and can do what he likes. True, he doesn't have to tell me but isn't part of having a child together sharing ideas in respect of said child? What if he's regretting having dd wth me? I'm going to feel really uncomfortable that he'll have given our baby a secret to keep from me already! That's fucked up isn't it? Am I overreacting?

So two questions dear mners:

1. Should he tell me what it is, or at least offer some explanation as to why he doesn't wish to tell me? Why?
2. What on earth could it be?!

PS I've never shown myself to be untrustworthy and I will be speaking to him tomorrow hopefully.

Dd finally sleeping so I'll be doing the same. Thanks in advance for any replies

He sounds like a twat. Trying to exert control over you by not telling you.

Is he usually like this? Controlling and odd?

He's totally out of order. It damn well is your business!! You have every right to know what his plan is, the fact that he is callously excluding you from what could be extremely important in dd's future is unforgivable. It takes a really hateful, controlling and completely self-obsessed lowlife to even consider such a thing. Please get away for yours and dd's sake.

It sounds like it could be money (investments, savings), jewellery, property maybe? He's probably talking shit anyway, he's had some big idea that he thinks is brilliant and will demonstrate how wonderful he is, and how little he thinks or cares about anyone, let alone you and dd.

The more I write the more I'm concerned. He's a wrongun and I think you know that - I hope you can do what you need to do to make things right for you and dd, and find the love and happiness you deserve.

Uh oh. Thank you. He's odd yes and aware of it but I like it usually. Hadn't looked at it as being controlling...

I don’t see any problem with it tbh

I would reserve judgement until you know what it is

I would also say it’s controlling to insist he tells you!

I think I'd need more than this one event before I started saying he was a controlling twat that you needed to escape tbh.

I'm thinking he's had a good idea for a gift but (1) hasn't fully thought it through and doesn't want you to rubbish the idea before he's got the details clear, (2) he really wants it to be a special gift from him and thinks you might start researching or offering opinions that will make it less like a personal gift from him, (3) he thinks you might tell her and spoil the secret, (4) he thinks you might tell someone else, let's say your mum, and that person might disapprove - silly idea, too expensive maybe.

He's surely not going to ask your dd to keep it a secret from you is he? I read it more that it would be a secret until he gave it to her on xmas day.

I guess, since you are so upset, you should try to explain what it is that's hurting you so much, and hope that he softens his position.

I was also going to say that some people would consider your reaction to being told 'it's a secret for now' quite controlling but see that mary beat me to it.

I mean really, what does it matter, and why are you so desperate to find out what it is? Her dad is buying her a gift. You'll find out in five weeks.

'For when she's older' suggests an investment or technology for me. Probably something you'd say 'that's a bit daft she's too young' to.

Could it be that it's actually a surprise for you too and he's just trying (badly!) to deflect your curiosity? Like a family holiday? Or he's embarrassed about how much he's spent and is expecting to be told off. It seems harsh of him to keep you in the dark if it's a legitimate present. Maybe it's something he knows you'd disapprove of, like a motorbike or a tattoo or something.

What a complete overreaction is just be thrilled he was actually getting involved in some way in the present buying, but then my DH is properly useless at all that. Just sounds like he's got an idea that he's excited about, not quite sure why you think it's a major decision about your child's future or that he's asking your child to keep a secret from you for life...

Sounds to me like it's something ridiculous he knows you'll veto. I've never known parents living in the same house as the child give separate presents. I don't like secrets anyway.
Is he always so odd?

You sound OTT.

It could be something cute for you both and telling you would ruin the surprise 🤷‍♀️

I think you are totally over reacting. My Dp has bought my son some stuff for Xmas. Said it's a secret. Totally not bothered at all.

It's not going to be a secret between my son and my Dp. Because, on Christmas morning, when ds opens it and finds out what it is.......I'll know what it is.

Wow look I haven't insisted he tell me nor would I. From what he was saying yesterday it wasn't something we would find out about at Xmas either but I'll ask later to be clear on that. Gloomy some ideas there thanks but what he said was definitely not along the lines of it being a secret 'for now'. The was no hint of me ever finding out.

In fact what he said was it's between him and DD so none of my business.

I find it really bizarre. I can't ever imagine a scenario like that happening in our house unless the surprise was to keep it from me too.

"It's between me and DD" that's the comment that I would find the most odd. I didn't think it was healthy or good practice to encourage children to keep secrets from parents?

So it's a Christmas present that no one will know about?

Let’s face it. If you’re never going to find out and it was something he doesn’t think you would be happy about, he need never have told you.

Stop controlling him. He’s her Father and entitled to an individual relationship with her.

Nor did I ems and that's the point! Dd is a baby so whatever this secret present is I'm guessing now it'll either be something he's decided she will have but actually place in her possession when she's older like some item of sentimental value. Or, he'll be putting something in her name like the deeds to a diamond mine or something abstract like the ownership documents for a square metre of ocean. But whatever it is it'll come with a message of don't trust your mother. This will be his first gift to her.
Really hoping it'll be revealed at Xmas ...

Mary, just because he's able to use this gifting time as an opportunity to give DD the symbolic gift of 'don't trust your mum' - and to put me in my place - doesn't mean he should, or that it's nice, or that it's helpful to our relationship to lack this level of openness.

Just the general gist would do eg 'zozo I am transferring some stuff into her name sorry but it's family stuff so I can't tell you but it should help her financially when she's older' or 'zozo I am going to make something for her... Bit embarrassing so I'm not going to show you no offence...' I'd think it was sweet that he took the time to create something for her even if no one saw it till years later when he brings out some bizarre painting inspired by dd's first Xmas...

Or it's something wildly inappropriate?

How old will she be when she receives this gift from him?. 10, 16, 18, 21?. Will you and he actually be together then is more pertinent a question too.

It sounds like she will not receive this at Christmas and it is probably something along the lines you have suggested.

On a far wider level, why are you and he together at all?. He sounds bloody awful actually.

His cock? He might be odd but I don't have him down as a paedo...

Thanks atilla that's a good question. Because I have strange taste in men I guess!

Your strange taste in men has served you poorly here. It also makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Is he really a decent role model of a parent to your child if he can and does treat you as her mother like this?. What else is he so secretive about?. What is he like with you day to day?