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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you reply to this?

34 replies

Shiklah · 15/11/2018 16:18

I was not close to my dad when I was a child. He is a difficult controlling man. When I was 27 he divorced my mum and met his new partner, a kind woman who seemed to help him with his emotional problems. During this period we had a much better relationship and he was close to his GC. His behaviour deteriorated dramatically when my mum remarried, he was aggressive and violent and his partner left him. He met a younger woman on line and proposed to her within a few weeks. When I suggested that this seemed a bit hasty and had he considered a longer engagement he attacked me and grabbed my face screaming abuse. I did not see him again other than to attend the wedding.

They married within 4 months and had a very elaborate wedding and honeymoon. This was 4 years ago and I have barely seen him since. His wife has 2 children and his focus is now his DSS who have learning difficulties. They apparently have challenging behaviour although they were very well behaved at his wedding and I had a lovely time chatting and playing with them, but they will not visit or go anywhere to meet. My dad has visited me 3x on his own.

He came and picked my 2 children up in the summer to take them to a theme park for the day but I found it very upsetting. He has just sent a text that reads:

"I am having a party on Christmas Eve. You are invited."

He lives 200 miles away and we won't be going on Xmas eve for many reasons but I have been teary since getting this text 2 days ago. Why am I so upset and how should I respond? I would like him to want to see me, which is pathetic, I know. All he has ever done is reject me. It all seems so fucked up.

Sorry it is so long.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 15/11/2018 16:27

He grabbed you by the face and screamed at you and you allowed him to take your kids on his own :/

Koala101 · 15/11/2018 16:30

Just reply “Sorry we have already made plans for x mas eve. Have a good party”

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/11/2018 16:33

I simply wouldn't reply tbh. I wouldn't trust such a person with my kids either. Easy for me to say though. Have you considered counselling? It might do you the world of good.

OutragedEtc · 15/11/2018 16:34

i think you have an issue with boundaries. I have to say, any grown adult capable of grabbing someone’s face to scream abuse would not be getting within 20 feet of my kids again.

Adora10 · 15/11/2018 16:36

Keep away from him and your kids he’s unpredictable and violent, you managed before not seeing him you will be fine in fact better with this horrible toxic man out your life I don’t care if he’s your dad he’s no good.

Weezol · 15/11/2018 16:38

That's a statement of fact not an invitation. It's designed to make you call him for further details. To make you come running because he's clicked his fingers.

Don't.

Don't call him or reply to the text. Stop leaving yourself open to rejection. Delete and get on with your life.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/11/2018 16:41

He thinks about nobody but himself, that's obvious. Hmm

Anything on Christmas Eve is an absolute No from me, I have kids as do many people. The only place I want to be is Home Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 15/11/2018 16:41

I honestly can't imagine what this must be like.
You can either respond by telling him you can't make it but thanks for the invite.
Or you can choose not to reply.
This man is toxic and you are doing your very best to get any bit of approval that you can.
Stop!
You will drive yourself crazy trying.
Have you had counselling do deal with all of this?
Google FOG (fear obligation guilt)
But you owe him nothing.
You know that deep down.

ffffffffsake · 15/11/2018 17:00

His actions are only a reflection of himself, not of you, or even how he feels about you. You aren't responsible. Protect yourself, he hasn't earned you.

Original poster
Shiklah · 15/11/2018 17:17

Thanks everyone, I know it is what I need to hear. He is very rich and manipulative, my DC are 15 and 13 and in the summer he contacted them directly bribing them with expensive days out, it would have been unfair to not let them go when he was taking cousins. he is a different person with them - shows of his best side splashing cash and being hilarious and extrovert. I understand what you are all saying, it is very hard for me to accept for some reason. I feel numb today, I know I am over reacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shiklah · 15/11/2018 17:22

I have had counselling for emotional problems and I know they stem from his rejection of me. I have a large number of siblings and most have had nervous breakdowns at some point. We all have anxiety/depression linked to attachment disorders. My parents had far too many children when they were far too young but I know DM did her very best, and she still does.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 15/11/2018 17:24

So you have a good and nice mum, great, forget the nasty old git; dad biologically only.

AtrociousCircumstance · 15/11/2018 17:32

You’re not over reacting at all. The rejection and pain runs deep.

He sounds appalling.

NotTheFordType · 15/11/2018 17:37

he is a different person with them - shows of his best side splashing cash and being hilarious and extrovert.

Yeah bollocks, that's the side my Grandpa used to show, didn't stop him beating the shit out of my Grandma.

NotTheFordType · 15/11/2018 17:38

IN terms of reply how about "That's nice dear"

Original poster
Shiklah · 15/11/2018 17:48

Thanks for all the replies.

DM emigrated to escape him, I think, so I rarely see her. But I know she loves me and she tries her best. She had a severely abusive childhood - I only grasped it when I gave her 'angelas ashes' to read when I was about 30 and she had a breakdown - just horrific. My poor DM. She started having us when she was 16. All such a mess.

OP posts:
AdaArdor · 15/11/2018 17:53

May I recommend a book to you? It doesn't solve your immediate problem but I think it will help you. It's called "running on empty" by Jonice Webb. It was a life-changer for me. It's designed for children who have suffered emotional neglect from their parents who were -for whatever reason- incapable of giving their children the emotional attention and support they need.

You are not at all overreacting. I think you have a long journey ahead of you, to perhaps fully come to terms with your relationship with him.

It is totally ok to want genuine love from him. It's ok that your current relationship isn't enough for you and causes you pain. What isn't ok is the way he has treated you. I'm sorry for what you're going through; it is a certain type of pain to have a parent who has truly failed you and it is a hole that never heals - you just have to learn to live with it. But you can give yourself the love and protection you deserve, by putting boundaries in place and surrounding ding yourself with people who love you and will respect your wants and needs.

RantyRantRantRant · 15/11/2018 17:56

Breezy is how I reply to anything like this. "Have plans already, enjoy x"

His actions are only a reflection of himself, not of you

I have been on the receiving end of a truly, nasty female for many years, you've no idea how this one sentence has changed how I feel.

Original poster
Shiklah · 15/11/2018 17:58

I will look up the book thanks

It's had a lot of repercussions for me. DH grew up in and out of care and has no relationship with his parents. I don't want to spend teh rest of my life trying to be 'good enough' to be loved by these men. I love DH but he is incapable of loving me.

OP posts:
SpamChaudFroid · 15/11/2018 18:06

I wouldn't even bother replying tbh. Then block. Why do some parents think they have the absolute right to treat their offspring like shit?

I've been NC since Feb with my toxic mother. My life is breathtakingly better for it.

twominfromthebeach · 15/11/2018 18:06

I reckon a short reply eg "I have plans already for Christmas Eve, I hope your party goes well" - if you don't respond it he'll probably keep trying to contact you about it. Decide on your boundaries for the future and stick to them. Further counselling is a good idea. He sounds nasty, your life will be greatly improved without his toxic presence in it. Good luck :)

Original poster
Shiklah · 15/11/2018 18:19

He was always nasty, then nice for 11 years between the divorce and splitting with his new partner, I think that is what has fucked me up. I just want him to love me, I can't be this pathetic in real life, I have to look after DH's needs constantly and if I am ever upset he spirals to the bottom. I am exhausted. I just want to be left alone with DC to enjoy the last of their childhood. Christmas is always me putting up with endless shit so DC can have a lovely time. I just have to suck it all up and deal with dad and Dh and I'm tired. I can just be happy, just me and DC, I don't need anyone else.

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 15/11/2018 18:54

I would pretend I was going and on the day block him in every way and never speak to him again.

Weezol · 15/11/2018 18:59

Would you consider going back into counselling? It sounds like you are emotionally and physically exhausted Flowers

Original poster
Shiklah · 15/11/2018 19:52

I am Weezol, I keep crying all the time.

I miss my mum so much. I just feel like I am surrounded by men yelling 'me me me' and they can't see I am struggling. DH would be furious if I even mentioned my dads party. I always have to be between him and DC now as he is unfair to them. I am exhausted. I would love more counselling but cannot afford it at the moment.

Thank you

OP posts:
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