Is there a psychological condition or similar where someone constantly (sometimes dangerously) minimises the severity of illnesses suffered by their family members?

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Not sure where to put this, but thought relationships might make sense.

Ex while we were together was regularly minimising any illness I suffered or our son suffered. Even when we were admitted to hospital he would moan to go home and make out the doctors and nurses were being “over cautious” .

Now I have discovered that despite the fact he had seen my son have two life threatening reactions to Cows Milk, he has somehow convinced his girlfriend that our son doesn’t have a serious food allergy and that he would be fine with the “odd little bit”. He recently tried to persuade my son to try some.

I think what I am struggling with is that this seems like a real pattern of behaviour. He is a good dad in many other respects but seems to minimise anything medical to the point I am really worried. And I wondered if there was a condition/ any suggested ways to improve his decision making on this aspect

It's called being a self absorbed arsehole

My aunt does this. Her daughter was howling in pain in A&E and she was like "would you stop that? I'm mortified over you!". Daughter was taken to have emergency, life-saving surgery about 30 seconds later.

I don't know if it's avoidance, but it's annoying at best and dangerous at worst.

Yes, it’s called Narcissism. No one is ever allowed to be ill to a narc and if they are ill they really aren’t anyway...It’s all a conspiracy.

As far as they’re concerned no one in the history of all time has ever been ill. It’s actually very irrational and delusional behaviour to question and deny something that is completely normal, and worrying when they do it to their own children.

Did your son have the milk? How old is ds? I would take ex to court and rescind access over this.

My son managed to refuse it. But he is v upset about it and even more upset that his dad denies it (dad’s story keeps changing but sons is consistent).

I have made an application to court but it feels really hard to articulate why my concerns are wider than this specific incident.

If he deliberately makes your child ill, that's assault.

What's the girlfriend's view? Does she realise the seriousness of this, and that such an allegation of harm directed her way could lead to huge trouble for her (and possibly affect her job)?

The girlfriend wasn’t there when it happened. Despite her having a medical background my ex has somehow convinced her the allergies aren’t serious. We have met up now and she does now get the severity of the allergies. But I have seen such a pattern of behaviour from their dad now that I feel really worried.

Keep it factual. Try not to deal with more than you can definitively prove. So DC dad fed DS Milk, this is the doctors letter to prove this is a health risk to DS. I raised this as a serious welfare concern. DS was again told to drink milk but had to refuse. This is damaging to DS's trust in his father and therefore his relationship with his father.

Deliberately putting DS at risk makes it impossible to build a positive trusting coparenting relationship.

But make sure you can prove the harm DS can come to from Dairy otherwise your best leaving well alone

My narcissistic husband is like this, and so was my mum. I used to be struggling for breath with an asthma attack and she'd tell me to stop being silly. I once had a migraine (had them a lot) and she told me she hoped I wasn't going to ruin the night by being poorly again

I don't think it's a disorder, more like just self absorbed. Maybe it's another sign of narcissism?

Yes, it’s called Narcissism. No one is ever allowed to be ill to a narc and if they are ill they really aren’t anyway...It’s all a conspiracy.

Narcissism is far more complex than minimising an illness!

This is a perfect example of why diagnosis by internet is a very bad idea.

I was going to say something along the lines of stupidity, but Cunititis sounds perfect. XH used to minimise DD1's allergies and never bothered to remember what she was allergic to. His mother was horrific, but that really was because she was stupid and had never been allowed to think for herself, so it was perfectly conceivable that she really didn't know yogurt was made from milk. She never understood that DD1 could die from feeding her things she was allergic to. XH was just a lazy bastard and didn't want his precious secret only to him favourite child to have these problems, so if he didn't bother about them, they would magically vanish.

@LittleCandle did you find any solutions?

My ex was also like this, I don't know why he did it.

Once my son who was about 9 months old at the time had terrible rota virus, he was so poorly. I got him up for his nap, he had a massive poo of green milky diarrohea, his temp was 41C and he was blue round his lips. I am a nurse and was frightened, called NHS direct and they advised me to take him to hospital (they shouldve sent an ambulance). My ex sat there reading his paper, and let me take my son to hospital on my own.

He dismissed me whenever I was ill, it was like he coulndt cope with it and would almost insinuate I was making it up. I remember once telling him I was feeling ill, he told me I was imagining it, 2 hours later I was vomitting so violently from food poisoning he didnt know what to do with himself.

He let me go to an endoscopy alone, despipte the fact I told him I might have sedation (I opted for no sedation so I could drive because he could not understand). He let me have a D&C alone. Basically he was shit.

However he recently cried as my little dog was really unwell. Very very odd. He is an ex for a reason.

NeverTwerkNaked, sadly no. I did teach her a phrase that she could say to anyone that she wasn't allowed that because she was allergic to it. She could then escalate it to if I do that/eat that I could die. I only left XH 9 years ago, so was on hand to be hyper vigilant over his twattish behaviour. I am sometimes stunned that we were married for such a long time (over 20 years) because he was selfish about a lot of things. YOur DC needs to know that you will have his back 100% every time he stands up against someone like his DF.

Oh and he went to bed because otherwise he would be too tired when I was in labour and having contractions regulalry (but sent home from hospital as I wasn't dilated enough). Twat.

It sounds like a severe form of denial. Some people find the idea that something entirely beyond their control could kill people they care about so alarming that they simply deny that it can happen.

It's a very stupid and dangerous way to think. I don't know what position you're in legally but I think you might need to write a formal letter to your Ex detailing the issues. Copy the letter to your solicitor/his solicitor/the court. Because if he keeps doing this you're going to have to keep your DS away from his DF.

OTOH the girlfriend may be very helpful. I'm a DSM and I would always have taken health problems my DSD had very seriously indeed.

@pudding21 your ex sounds so much like mine. I suffered awful illnesses and hospital admissions without support. So sorry you have been through this too.

Not sure I would describe this as narcissist as such. He’s not making your sons allergies about himself, it’s more that he’s using it as a way to discredit you. It’s a form of control and gaslighting as he’s trying to convince everyone including DS that you are wrong about his allergy.

A PP has said it but disinterest in and or minimising the problems/ illness of others particularly when they need help is a trait of narcissists and sociopaths.

But it is also equally co-existent in people who are selfish arseholes. Only you will know what you are dealing with.

A typical conversation with a narcissist and his wife would be:

W: coughing & sneezing I feel absolutely terrible - fluey, achey, massive headache and I think I'm going to be sick. Do you think you could possibly take the children to school this morning? I could really use some help.

NH: Now you mention it, I feel a bit unwell. I have a slight ache in my throad. I hope I'm not coming down with anything. I have an important presentation today and it would be a disaster if I had a cough.

W: coughing & sneezing Seriously please do you think you could possibly take the children to school this morning? I don't think I can manage it.

NH: Don't be ridiculous. I have a very important job to do today. You need to pull yourself together. Bye. [ off out door]

A normal person would at least express some concern and offer tea/paracetamol/ sympathy. Narcs are all about them to a very extreme degree. That's a key indicator beyond common or garden selfishness - it's turning it back to them. So if you are ill, it's not just that they selfishly minimise it, it's that it's all about this adversely affects them. Why are you ill and inconveniencing ME? You are so selfish!

Actually my mum has always done this -she's a very loving mother and not remotely narcissistic, but i suspect she finds the thought of her family being sick so upsetting that it is easier to just deny that it is real.

In fairness she also maintains that childbirth isn't that painful, so she applies the same rule to herself.

@TellLikeItReallyIs

Here’s an example from my life with him - I was at home in between hospital admissions for hyperemesis, he made it clear it was a total inconvenience that he had to look after our son during my hospital stay. He didn’t once get me a drink of water or a fresh bowl to vomit in. Just told me how stressed it made him. My sister and her husband came to look after my son and I cried when they bought me a drink of water because it was the first
time I had been looked after in weeks of vomiting. When he got back from work he shouted at me because my sister and husband had left a couple of used tea mugs by the sink (after a whole day of them looking after me and our toddler).

Or when our son broke his leg and I couldn’t look after him properly because his dad was having a tantrum about being tired and not wanting to wait for the x ray for our son

The problem is I told those stories ina previous court statement and just got accused of “mud slinging”. DP is able to portray himself as very charming and likeable. When he wants to.

Bombardier25966 You need to learn a little more about narcissism.

I lived with a diagnosed narc for 10 years, what the op describes is part of the illness. This was a major issue for him and he did it with everyone; friends, family, me. He would even brag about not ever being ill himself when he had just left hospital for an illness. It’s a lesser known nuinance of narcissism. Don’t lash out like that with your ignorance.

He sounds very selfish and ignorant of health matters, at best.

Do you have evidence of your son’s health issue re milk? If not, suggest seeking it as without it your ex is likely to make out you’re being unreasonable.

It’s good that your ex’s girlfriend listened to you about it.