‘You were a little Nazi’

[User6404]

Whenever I have questioned my parents treatment of me I have been told I was an awful child, a difficult child, terrible to try and bring up, a little Nazi, constantly seeking attention unlike my sibling, never happy. I am also told I had everything and my parents did everything they could.

The picture in my mind is very different and has only occurred to me over the last year or so (im 30s now).

In the interests of being objective and giving a proper account, I want to say what I remember about my own behaviour as well as that of my parents. I remember having everything I wanted and needed but feeling masses of insecurity and feelings of not being good enough, ever. I remember being dragged by my hair by my dad (or sometimes both parents) to be taken to bed when I refused to go to sleep. I remember screaming my head off for hours each night, crying for my mum and feeling waves of anxiety at the same time. I remember doing this until about 9 years old. The overwhelming memory I have is that I felt my mum would disappear when I wasn’t ready for her to. For instance she would, every night, disappear to watch a particular soap reagardlss of whether I was ready for her to leave me bedroom. My dad would call her down and tell her to leave me alone now (I would have been crying for an hour or so already by the point so it must have been awful for my parents). It was that feeling of having a time limit on the conversation or the goodnight that filled me with insecurity. I’m not sure why. It was the case in any situation, i could never talk to my parents and have their full attention without them either doing something else at the same time or them about to leave, about to make a phone call, about to go to bed, about to watch a tv programme.

Mid teens I had an eating disorder and was mocked by both parents about how disgusting I looked and how much I was attention seeking. I needed help and I resent them for not getting it for me (they could have afforded it instantly had they taken it seriously). I know such things are not easy to deal with and they perhaps didn’t have the skills needed to help me, but still I feel anger at them about this.

As an adult, I have been in situations particularly at university when I needed my mum. I would call her in tears about a boy or something else and she would literally cut me dead mid chat if her tv show was starting. I dated a man who cheated on me (he was nice enough aside from that) and when I ended it my mum would regularly ask me why it was I thought I was too good for him. I never really thought that or said it but she somehow assumed I did. The final straw for me was this summer when I was at my absolute lowest after some pretty bad abuse from a man I had been dating and my mum told me he wasn’t so bad and that I wasn’t perfect either and maybe he just lost his temper. During this conversation where I sat in tears saying I wished I was dead, she was scrolling through a website looking for some wallpaper (it almost sounds funny typing that but that broke me in a way I can’t describe). I felt embarrassed to have shared my feelings and completely and utterly alone. I still can’t believe she did that.

All my life I feel I have been made out to be this difficult, unusual person, yet my friends do not see me like this. If I confronted my parents on it now, they’d say how much they love me (they’ve always said this) and that they think I am a wonderful person and any man would be lucky to have me etc etc. Yet still, now and then they will drop in the difficult child comments. They’re older now and I don’t want upset between us, but I do struggle sometimes to accept the past and how they made me see myself and how much I have had to work to free myself from that. I’m not sure I even am fully free of it.

Sorry this is a long post! I’m not sure what I am asking really. Am I being unfair on them? Was my childhood normal? Am I the problem? Right now I am a normal healthy weight, have a decent job, own home, I try to be a good friend and sister/daughter. Behind this success I am damaged though. My mind is all jumbled.

I once thought I would take the chance and tell my mum about a boyfriend. She changed the subject. Not even a ‘that’s nice ‘ first.

Parents like yours (and mine) like to put adult expectations of behaviour on children. A great way to make you feel shit about yourself from a very young age.

Have you looked at the stately homes thread? Was my saviour when I was questioning everything. Has some great places you can look for further information.

I am willing to put money on one of the reason you were in an abusive relationship was due to your parents telling you throughout your childhood that that is what you deserve.

I agree aussie I think my choices on men are based on my upbringing. I am only just realising this now which is shit because I don’t know how to fix it :(

I’ve started having nightmares about my childhood and woken up crying. I don’t know why this is suddenly happening all these years later.

When I was ten they would tell me I was ruining their lives and their marriage and I keep thinking about this as well.

You poor thing, were you an only child and if not what do your siblings think about it?

Sounds like maybe you need to speak to someone about and help you work on how to deal with those buried issues/feelings you have

You are not being unfair on them.

You are mired in fear, obligation and guilt.

Your childhood was not at all normal. Yours was a childhood mired in abuse and I am sorry that the adults in your life let you down so and that no-one saw it fit to properly nuture and or protect you.

No you are NOT the problem here.

The shame is all theirs, not yours to own or otherwise carry.
Your choice of men has been very much based on your own upbringing; these people were abusive just like your parents are. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, they are our main influence.

Your parents were and remain abusive towards you. You do not owe these people anything and besides which they have both let you down abjectly.

You need to find a therapist and importantly a therapist who has NO familial bias about keeping families together. Contacting NAPAC could also help you no end.

Do read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages and get further help that way too.

I have a sibling younger than me. They have recently started to acknowledge some things that went on. They didn’t experience the same physical abuse in the way I did though and for much of our childhood they were seen as exceptionally talented. Although from recent conversations they have said they found that tough for different reasons.

You were the scapegoat ( still are by the sounds)and they were golden children.
Unfortunately that’s a common thing.

atillia thanks for your post.

My parents I do believe did their best. We share some happy times now, although I do not feel I can rely on them and experience the same insecurity I did as a child around them, I am able to manage a relationship with them where we are kind to each other and can talk about normal everyday things and I see them weekly. I am happy with that and I actually think I would miss it if it stopped. I don’t hate them and I do genuinely believe they tried their best. Despite that, I do not rely on them emotionally and can’t imagine I ever will.

You say you think they are still abuisve. As an adult is it not my role now to take responsibility for my own wellbeing and therefore manage my relationship with then as I am doing as opposed to simply getting angry and not having a relationship with them at all?

This is all a minefield to me so I appreciate any advice from people like yourself who are more clued up on this.

Oh and I got the ‘ I could have ....blah blah... if it wasn’t for you’

Took me years to realise that having a child was her choice, not mine so any consequences are on her. Not me!

Very sorry that your parents treated you so badly.

Yes, have a good read of the Stately Homes threads, there are links to resources on there. And perhaps seek counselling from someone well qualified.

Suggest reducing contact, and not looking to your parents for support of any kind as, sadly, they clearly won’t/can’t help.

I have a sibling younger than me. They have recently started to acknowledge some things that went on. They didn’t experience the same physical abuse in the way I did though and for much of our childhood they were seen as exceptionally talented. Although from recent conversations they have said they found that tough for different reasons.

Atleast you him/her to speak to about it and he/she can verify your own thoughts against what your parents version of events are. Unfortunately we can't choose our families but we can choose whether or not to keep a relationship going with them.

Sadly, I don’t think they did try their best, and even if they did their parenting was inadequate at best, indeed seems abusive.

It’s unlikely that spending time with them weekly will be good for you now.

As an adult is it not my role now to take responsibility for my own wellbeing and therefore manage my relationship with then as I am doing as opposed to simply getting angry and not having a relationship with them at all?

You are an adult and responsible for your own wellbeing, which can include not having a relationship with people that damage your wellbeing.

They have likely told you that they did their best but they are clearly lying to you here. This is all part of their abuse narrative and they made those choices of their own free will.

Seeing them weekly as well is not doing you any favours either, these people have not fundamentally altered since your own childhood. its also coming out in your nightmares about them. I also think that getting angry is also healthy here; that emotion has all been suppressed too

Please consider getting proper outside help for your own self.

I think it would cause me more turmoil to not see them.

They gave me all I needed and have supported me in many ways, except emotionally. They are not bad people, they want the best for me and I think they have their own difficulties with their own parents that have made them make mistakes.

Do most people have at least one memory of having hair pulled or being smacked as a child? I thought this was normal in that it at least happened now and then if not everyday. Also especially when I was younger - I know now it is thankfully more widely acknowledged that it is not ok

Do have a read of some of the resources on Stately Homes.

Do most people have at least one memory of having hair pulled or being smacked as a child?

No, not at all, I know alot of parents might have smacked their kids but hair pulling? That's just not right (I disagree with hitting kids as well but the hair pulling is just terrible and I would say pretty unusual))

"Do most people have at least one memory of having hair pulled or being smacked as a child? I thought this was normal in that it at least happened now and then if not everyday"

What you write of is the childhood of an abused child. It became your normal because your parents were (and remain) abusive.

They did not give you all you needed because they did not support you emotionally. It is bloody hard to get your head around abuse because they treated you abusively and made it all out to be your fault. It is NOT your fault this happened to you, this is all on them.

Please consider talking to NAPAC; they could really help you no end here.

When I was having my hair washed, my mum used to scrape her thumb up the back of my hair line above my neck to see if the conditioner was all out. It really hurt. So much so I used to run away when it was time to wash my hair. She told me that that is how hairdressers did it when I told her it hurt. Didn’t want to go to the hairdressers. I was under 7 when this happened. So 3,4,5 years old. etc.

Now I know it’s all bs.

My mum had a hard childhood and wanted what’s best for me. But I realised she wanted what was best based on her own idea that I am an extension of her. If I didn’t act the way she thought I should, then I would be punished. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I just wasn’t doing what she thought I should.

All the things she did ‘right for me’ I now see had an ulterior motive. It was purely to live up to an idea of the way I should be and to ensure I presented the right ‘face’ to the world. Because, again, I was an extension of her.

I certainly didn’t have it as bad as many with abusive parents. But that doesn’t mean I am not bad effected by it. Whether you decide lower contact, cut contact or stay the same, you do need to start unpacking what they did to you, or you are going to continue with your abusive relationships.

I’m worried I’ve realised this too late.

And now I know, I don’t know how to fix it.

How long will it take to form a healthy view of attachment?

I always seek out relationships fraught with difficulty where I accept abuse as a sacrifice of true love. It’s not is it. I don’t deserve or shouldn’t accept being cheated on or being treated badly. Love isn’t like that is it. How do I re train myself

"You were a litte Nazi"

OP, did you invade Poland and become complicit in the slaughter of millions of innocent people? As an under-10? No? Thought not.

(WTF does that even mean?)

Please get yourself on the Stately Homes thread. There's lots of resources listed on the first post, plus lots of people to advise on seeking out therapy to work through issues and just general handholding.

As a child, you deserved better parenting. As an adult, you deserve better parenting.

You're not alone, OP.
I was hit, kicked and punched because that was the "only way they could control" me.

It is worse at christmas somehow because I always 'ruin christmas'. I see other families and crave that closeness and love. The other half of me realises that I am awful and don't deserve any type of happiness or love or help or support from them. I am not sure I want it now. I'm always so shocked at people being kind I push it away.

It’s not too late. Not at all. Help is available.

As regards your romantic relationships, the Freedom Programme might be helpful. And the author Lundy Bancroft.

The dragging by hair and lack of emotional support is obviously a big no no.

There are bits I can sympathise with though. An hour at bedtime when you're exhausted at the end of the day must have been difficult and I do believe a time limit is reasonable. I do also think your mum did have a right to watch a bit of telly after, although she appears to have been v rigid about it and looks like a bit of a power struggle between the two of you. My dh sometimes calls me when I've been ages with ds. He did that with dd, too, as I tend to spend ages with them and they do need some boundaries.

Also, I can relate to being always busy with something. Family life is actually very busy and it takes a lot of time to run a home and organise a family - particularly if you work, too. I am often doing something when the kids want to talk but I do try to.listen if they are upset about something at school and certainly wouldn't ring off the phone over a tv programme.

When they have had friendship issues, I am almost always on their side but, if I think they need to apologise r they have made a mistake, or if I think.they are blowing stuff out of proportion, I will say.

My eldest is one for requiring a lot of attention, too, and often finds drama. It can be wearing at times and do find I need space which I often feel guilty over

I think there are bits of abuse, low level.neglect and bits of normal in this so I can see why you are in a muddle. Your parents will see things differently as will your sibling but maybe you could try to tell them how you felt and try to rebuild the relationship from there. I know I have made some humdingers over my time in parenting. If it were me, I'd want to put it right

Thanks for all posts.

Last poster, I agree that they were entitled to their own time and I was I imagine a very needy child