‘You were a little Nazi’

[User6404]

Whenever I have questioned my parents treatment of me I have been told I was an awful child, a difficult child, terrible to try and bring up, a little Nazi, constantly seeking attention unlike my sibling, never happy. I am also told I had everything and my parents did everything they could.

The picture in my mind is very different and has only occurred to me over the last year or so (im 30s now).

In the interests of being objective and giving a proper account, I want to say what I remember about my own behaviour as well as that of my parents. I remember having everything I wanted and needed but feeling masses of insecurity and feelings of not being good enough, ever. I remember being dragged by my hair by my dad (or sometimes both parents) to be taken to bed when I refused to go to sleep. I remember screaming my head off for hours each night, crying for my mum and feeling waves of anxiety at the same time. I remember doing this until about 9 years old. The overwhelming memory I have is that I felt my mum would disappear when I wasn’t ready for her to. For instance she would, every night, disappear to watch a particular soap reagardlss of whether I was ready for her to leave me bedroom. My dad would call her down and tell her to leave me alone now (I would have been crying for an hour or so already by the point so it must have been awful for my parents). It was that feeling of having a time limit on the conversation or the goodnight that filled me with insecurity. I’m not sure why. It was the case in any situation, i could never talk to my parents and have their full attention without them either doing something else at the same time or them about to leave, about to make a phone call, about to go to bed, about to watch a tv programme.

Mid teens I had an eating disorder and was mocked by both parents about how disgusting I looked and how much I was attention seeking. I needed help and I resent them for not getting it for me (they could have afforded it instantly had they taken it seriously). I know such things are not easy to deal with and they perhaps didn’t have the skills needed to help me, but still I feel anger at them about this.

As an adult, I have been in situations particularly at university when I needed my mum. I would call her in tears about a boy or something else and she would literally cut me dead mid chat if her tv show was starting. I dated a man who cheated on me (he was nice enough aside from that) and when I ended it my mum would regularly ask me why it was I thought I was too good for him. I never really thought that or said it but she somehow assumed I did. The final straw for me was this summer when I was at my absolute lowest after some pretty bad abuse from a man I had been dating and my mum told me he wasn’t so bad and that I wasn’t perfect either and maybe he just lost his temper. During this conversation where I sat in tears saying I wished I was dead, she was scrolling through a website looking for some wallpaper (it almost sounds funny typing that but that broke me in a way I can’t describe). I felt embarrassed to have shared my feelings and completely and utterly alone. I still can’t believe she did that.

All my life I feel I have been made out to be this difficult, unusual person, yet my friends do not see me like this. If I confronted my parents on it now, they’d say how much they love me (they’ve always said this) and that they think I am a wonderful person and any man would be lucky to have me etc etc. Yet still, now and then they will drop in the difficult child comments. They’re older now and I don’t want upset between us, but I do struggle sometimes to accept the past and how they made me see myself and how much I have had to work to free myself from that. I’m not sure I even am fully free of it.

Sorry this is a long post! I’m not sure what I am asking really. Am I being unfair on them? Was my childhood normal? Am I the problem? Right now I am a normal healthy weight, have a decent job, own home, I try to be a good friend and sister/daughter. Behind this success I am damaged though. My mind is all jumbled.

We’re you needy? Or was that just what you were told?

The previous poster is right that parents sometimes need space, a break and make mistakes. But what they don’t do is blame that child for existing, blame the child for their own mistakes, be violent to that child for being that age, if there is a problem they seek help, don’t expect that child to behaviour beautifully all the time and they apologise when they make mistakes, they look at their behaviour critically and adjust, they arrange what they need, not hold the child responsible for not having it.

Don’t put yourself down. You were a child reacting to the circumstances you were growing up in.

Smacking was common, but not hair pulling.

I have learned that parents automatically think they have a right to be forgiven for the way they treated you as a child. My Dad was a bully and remember him throwing me a 8 Y/O bodily across the room and punching me. I only stayed in touch with him for my mothers sake who was lovely but only learned to stand up to him later in life. After her death I just cut him out of my life.

My parents I don’t think are bald people. They definitely don’t think I have a right to be angry or upset at their treatment.

As an adult now my feelings are rarely validated, understood or listened to. I don’t share much at all with my family for this reason. It is strange though because my parents can be very empathetic to other people, which makes them look to the outside like they would be the perfect emotional support to their own child.

Bad not bald!

They may never understand your point of view and you have to decide what to do then. Mine did things that crossed the line sometimes and didn't always see what the fuss was about but they mellowed in old age and we went on to have a lovely relationship. Mine weren't bad people either but they did struggle with family life sometimes. It was when I i had my own, I got how stressful it could be and how, sometimes, it could bring out the worst in you.

What I have taken from my own experiences is to be different, which to a great extent, I have but do sometimes hear my parents in me

100 percent agree with 9ofpentangles.

Your parents are human too. We all make mistakes there are no perfect parents or children for that matter. Some previous posters I believe have very unrealistic expections. I believe the hair pulling was completely out of line but to be honest the rest seems relatively normal.

How can the rest of what has been described here come across to you as relatively normal?. Its an outrageous throw away response to make.

Parents do make mistakes but what the OP describes here from her parents is far more than mere mistakes. Calling this a mistake on the parents part denigrates what the OP is saying here about her parents. What is being described here is a sustained campaign of abuse by her parents against the OP who is now an adult. These people should be in prison for what they did.

When people treat you as if you are crazy, it isn’t because they think you are crazy, it is because they want YOU to think you are crazy.
When people treat you as if you are stupid, it isn’t because they think you are stupid, it is because they want YOU to think you are stupid.
Their purpose or motive for the way that they treat you is actually about what serves them much more than it is the way that they see you. These people have a motive and it isn’t a motive driven by love, it is a motive driven by the desire to have control.

There is really no relationship here to speak of, let alone one to rebuild.

I don't think it sounds normal at all, it sounds shocking. I am older than dirt these days (thus I grew up in a time when smacking kids was "normal") and my parents never smacked, hair pulled, or did anything like the kind of inattention/emotional neglect and favouring of siblings over you it sounds like you got from yours. And I'll be the first to admit my family was dysfunctional and my parents were FAR from perfect!

Your parents may in fact have been doing their best. But it's OK to face up to the fact that their "best" might have been pretty crap. You can still love them and respect the good things they provided for you, but be truthful (to yourself, to anyone else you can trust) about all the stuff they did a crap job on. Maybe because of their own weaknesses and therefore maybe forgivable. But that's your choice.

It sounds like you are smart and have some really good insight about how they are continuing to fail you (again, this is something you can acknowledge to yourself lovingly--it doesn't make you a bad person or bad daughter!). You can recognize the fact that they don't validate your feelings or have your best interests at heart. A parent who tells you that an abusive relationship is "not so bad" ... ugh, words fail me.

It is OK to put as much distance as you need between yourself and your parents. Surround yourself with others who love and value you.

good luck OP

Oh, and I'm also saying this as a parent of a kid I would (privately) describe as "needy" and sometimes I just tell her she is going to HAVE to get on with playing by herself/getting herself to sleep/whatever while Mummy has a break. I do struggle with the demands of parenthood sometimes and I can understand your parents may have been struggling with you. But I work really hard to be aware of my impact on her and to remember to balance between my needs and her needs in a healthy way. Walking away from her at a set time to go watch a bloody soap opera is certainly not the only option!

Seriously ......people call you crazy because they want you to believe you are crazy???? Actually some people are crazy and need professional help. It isn't always parents in the wrong.

Well OPs parents were certainly in the wrong here.

Re your comment:-

"I believe the hair pulling was completely out of line but to be honest the rest seems relatively normal".

I agree with you re the hair pulling, but what is your justification and excuse here for writing the rest of your post?. If the rest of it, if you have bothered to read it that is, seems relatively normal to you then I would ask yourself why that is.

Seriously ......people call you crazy because they want you to believe you are crazy???? Actually some people are crazy and need professional help. It isn't always parents in the wrong.

Disneydoll, are you familiar with the dynamics of dysfunctional families that include the scapegoat and "golden child" roles? If you come from a lovely normal family (with imperfect but normal parents) you might not realize that some families, sadly, function REALLY differently. And they do "need" a particular family member to take the role of the crazy or needy or bad one because that's how they operate.

Maybe you're right and OP was in fact "crazy" from a very young age (wtf does that even mean when you're talking about kids) but in that case they could have responded with compassion and seeking out help for their daughter. It sounds like from her description they've just thrown her under the bus emotionally over and over again. There's a big difference between that and being a normal parent who is imperfect and gets impatient with the kids from time to time and doesn't give into all their demands.

Thanks for the posts, I am reading them all.

The thing that made me think of all this in a different way was my mum’s treatment of me this summer and on that particular day when I really couldn’t cope and was saying I wished I was dead and she just sat on her iPad looking for wallpaper and half-heartedly responding to me. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what a friend would think of me if I did that to them. I really needed her and all she could say with any real conviction was ‘you’re not going to let this ruin lunch with the family now are you?’

It’s this recent event which brings back so many memories of basically feeling like my mum didn’t give a shit or accept me having any feelings that could interrupt her day in some way.

The other week I was sniffing (had a cold) and she said I hope you don’t do that in front of x (man I was dating). She then reminded me I shouldn’t ever discuss period pain with men. Not that I do or did, but I’ve never felt like I couldn’t or shouldn’t!

Yeah. That does not sound like a normal reaction from a normal human being who cares about you. Talking about suicidal thoughts is not something that should be ignored.

Even if you don't feel you can cope with being someone's support when they bring it up, ignoring and minimizing it isn't the right response. You can tell someone honestly that you don't feel able to deal with what they're saying and point them to other sources of support. You don't just pretend it means nothing.

Im so glad that this thread has reappeared as I found it the other day, was going to comment then lost it.

OP, I totally both empathise and sympathise with your position. You raised some really intresting points which I will try to answer. For background, my family is classic 'stately homes'. Typical middle class, no real material wants. Always clean, fed etc. But the abuse. My God.

For many, many years I knew there was something 'off' in my family but couldn't put my finger on it. I suspected I needed therapy to cope with mother issues but kept putting it off. I did this until I could do it no more. The straw that finally broke it was my F's outrageous treatment of my brother. I took a breather from them. I tried to enforce this boundary but they would not hear of it. What was only going to be a temp stepping away became permanent.

Finally, one night I literally had a Damascene moment. It all came back and in a rush. So yes, the nightmares are part of that OP. But actually it's a good thing for your psyche as you are transferring the feelings so long neglected from the subconsious to the consious. The genii is fully out of the bottle and it's not ever going to go back. Trust me; this is a positive step.

For me, I had flashbacks in the day and nightmares at night after the revelation. This lasted aprox two weeks. It may be the same for you, I don't know. But it did stop. Talking to a trusted friend will help or jounaling the dreams and just writing about how you feel. My own writing was a great source of comfort to me.

Looks like you are in some form of Low Contact with them. Of course it's your choice but it's probably not the healthiest one as they will keep retriggering you.

Picking up on your mums behaviour. What you are seeing is a classic display of a lack of affective empathy. Sounds like your mum is a bit like mine in that what I now understanding is that she was practising a form of parental abuse called 'engulfing'. That was a shocking thing she did to you re: wallpaper. It was utterly wrong. No, she will never be there for you unless helping you accords with one of her own goals/ideas. All will centre around fuel/supply to maintain the facade and to function. She will be utterly unaware of this of course as most females for reasons unknown tend to be middle rangers. Their great 'tool' is the PA behaviour switch. Watch for the absent and the present silent treatments as well.

Looking at her ipad whilst your heart was breaking would have been giving her lots and lots of energy. Yeah; she's had loved that. Feeling powerful. Therefore Rule#1. Don't feed the narcs. This is where the concept of grey rock would come in if you choose to maintain LC.

The repeated abuses of you growing up will have primed you for romantic abuse from an intimate partner. Mentioning that your parents would tell you that you are so bad that they almost split up over you was one used against me as well. It reinforces control and also begins to shatter your self esteem; make you feel unlovable/a bad person, gather fuel and sets the groundwork for the future. Don't believe what they say for one second. They would never have split, they need each others' fuel too much and of course fuel from your siblings.

Your mum is certainly not aware that she is even doing it. She will see that absolutely nothing is wrong and it truly is all your fault. Her fragile facade will NOT allow herself to believe that she was abusive. Ever.

Heartrendingly, I can almost guarantee that there has been a smear in place around you which goes back years. So be careful of close relatives or family friends as they are often functioning as either knowing or unknowing lieutenants.

I'm thinking of you OP

Thanks for the posts. renarde I have so many memories of my parents telling their friends, my grandparents and teachers that I was difficult or a problem. Maybe I was but I’ve gone on to do well with my career and have some lovely friends so I can’t have been that weird or off the wall.

I definitely get the sense that my wider family perceived me as difficult. That’s exactly how my parents marketed me to everyone. I don’t doubt that maybe I was an awful child, but I can’t help thinking that if my parents had let me have a voice and heard me then I wouldn’t have been the difficult person they said I was.

My pleasure OP except I am utterly disagreeing with you that you were difficult. I think that's the family narrative speaking there. You know what triggered it for me? It was the crying. I cried all the time when I was a kid - frequently getting sent to bedroom.

It was remembering how unhappy it was and that my kids rarely cry or are punished that made me have the revelation.

Oh and forgot to mention - someone mentioned that if you are an adult, can you be abused and the answer is, of course yes you can be. There is no reason for parents to stop being monsters - they just change tack to suit.

For example, when I told my M (I broke NC as F was ill) a few months ago about my suicide attempt this year, she screamed at me - 'What did you want to do THAT for??'. Told F about my rape from 2015 and all he said was 'And?' And thusly neatly reinforcing why I went NC in the first place. So, I've NC'd again. I don't EVER want those abusive cunts back in my life. They do not deserve to have me as their daughter. Another final straw came in the form of F telling me I was a disappointment and a failure to him. It staggers belief. It beggers belief but really, what could one expect from people that lack affective empathy?

From the day I was born (maybe even earlier actually as my chosen name would've been Merceedes), they have worked hard to utterly shatter my self-esteem. Make me compliant and malleable. It has worked to a certain extent in that I am very poor with interpersonal boundaries. Part of me does not feel worthy or deserving of love.

I own the fact that it is up to me to reinforce those boundaries and I do work hard at this but I cannot yet get to a position where I can forgive them for the years of neglect and abuse. For years after I left home I was deeply mired in the FOG. For some reason though, another side of me came out when pregnant both times and for my sanity, I pushed them away as they were beyond awful during those times but usually stopped acting like twats when the babys' were born.

You sound very much like my daughter, who suffers from anxiety. It is not clear whether your anxiety stems from ineffective parenting, something in your make-up or a combination of the two.

I suspect your parents were reacting to your anxiety in the wrong way most of the ime which exacerbated it as they wrongly assumed It was a matter of discipline.

Perhaps they didn't see the signs and so didn't see it necessary to seek help and just responded by coming down harder.

This is a very common school of thought (but draw the line at physical and emotional abuse) and, when I have sought advice for my daughter, I have had similarbad advice from so-called professionals.

Are you having counselling op? Perhaps that would be the road to managing tour anxiety and relationships now and making your peace with your parents