Advice please on how to handle my relationship

[HalfDutchGirl]

Apologies long post, bear with me. I've had a bad few years, my Mum died very suddenly 2 years ago at the time there were problems with my long term (13 years) relationship and he said he didn't love me any more. We stumbled through 10 months with me trying to make things right as I was still in love with him and he kept telling me it would be ok. Then, whilst on holiday, he confessed (because he had to) that he'd been seeing someone else for over a year. I was completely heartbroken obviously, my trust in men was shattered once again (my marriage broke up after him leading a double life for 4 years!) but with the help of friends and determination I've tried to get myself back on track.

Started online dating and in August met a lovely guy, we clicked and both came off OLD. He is very busy with work (works nights), his son (15 and lives with him and is an inspiring sportsman which takes up a lot of time), doing up his house etc, and so time spent with him isn't the easiest but he was upfront from day one and I said I could deal with this as I have a busy life (I don't work at the moment but have a lot of friends and play sport and also do some voluntary work).

His back story is that he was very hurt by his girlfriend of over two years who he split from in February. She couldn't deal with the time restraints he always had and I believe, from what I've deduced, couldn't deal with his close relationship with his son (who apparently didn't like her). From what he's said, this broke his heart and he didn't actually imagine he would meet anyone else.

We've had to deal with a lot of time apart, we've both had pre-booked holidays and obviously the time constraints have proved difficult however we have managed to see each other as much as we can and a couple of weeks ago he introduced me to his son (which I know was a big deal). It goes without saying that I like him a huge amount and have always worn my heart on my sleeve, I've never been one to play games and am probably too open with my feelings. However, I ensure I don't come across as needy and am bright and bubbly when I'm with him.

My problem is his lack of affection and me actually not having a clue how he feels about me. My ex was very tactile and would always say that he loved me and would text sweet things etc. I grew up in a household with no real love and affection and so I admit to craving constant reassurance and so now dealing with someone who doesnt give this I find extremely difficult and to be honest makes me sad. He messages me every day but generally just generic stuff and I've got so paranoid I end up seeing how many kisses he puts on the end! When he was away recently he drunk text me some lovely things ie. I miss you so so so much, but anything like that is pretty much non-existent when he's sober! We've been out and about where he lives and he's shown me around his sports club, he comes over to mine as well and we have fun when together.

Sex with him is fabulous and very loving, and afterwards he is very cuddly and affectionate but, like yesterday, when it's time he has to go he just gets up gets dressed, with no "I'm sorry I've got to go" and a kiss or something. He gave me a huge hug and kiss just before he left but then walks out the front door and goes without a backward look. He never says anything like, 'you look gorgeous' or 'lovely' or anything. Yesterday I told him I missed him whilst he was away (in a jokey way) he didn't say anything so I said 'oi this is when you're supposed to say you missed me!', he replied 'don't fish' and then said 'actions and words' which I took to mean that his actions speak more than words.

So, I do wonder whether he is just holding back to protect himself from more hurt. He talks about stuff we'll do in the future, places to go etc but nothing is set in stone and I'm just finding it all incredibly difficult. Yesterday he said 'lets just see how it goes' when I mentioned something about us.

I know I'm giving it all far too much headspace and probably if I was working full time again it wouldn't affect me like it is but I find I'm just so sad and miserable at a time when I should actually be enjoying this relationship. As an aside both my grown up children have both recently left home so, I admit to being pretty lonely and sad about that too, not helped by the fact I've no other family.

Am I asking too much? Is it me that has the problem? Do some men find it difficult to show their emotions especially if they've been hurt in the past? What should I do to try and make this better for me?
Many thanks x

You're not asking too much no, but if this is what you want then you may have picked the wrong man.

Not a bad one, he sounds perfectly fine but.. his style of relationship is obviously different to what you want and over time it will just get more and more difficult to tolerate not getting the attention you need.

He's already made it clear he won't change, and in fairness to him, he's being honest. If you want to be in a relationship with him, this is how it is. But if you want more I'm afraid you'll have to look elsewhere. No one should settle, ever.

Treacletoots thanks for the quick response and I appreciate what you've put.

What I should add is that I haven't actually told him I would like more affection from him but I take on board that may not be something he finds easy and something that I do need from a relationship.

My DH is affectionate in his own way but not as affectionate as I would like 😁 but as this his only fault I've learned to live with it. May be you should too?

It sounds like it is his style. I don't think the being hurt is an excuse for how he is. I would think very carefully about this relationship. I know he is busy but you have to make sure you are getting what you need. It's perfectly valid to want what you have described. Can you imagine a future with him? I had a relationship like yours and I wasted two years of my life because although he cared for me it wasn't enough. He did all the right things in one way but I had to see him on his terms and looking back he didn't make me happy. Just give it some thought.

Communication is key. You need to tell him how you feel. Don’t be accusatory about it - there’s no right or wrong here, different people express their love and affection differently and it doesn’t make him wrong that he doesn’t do it the same way as you do. But relationships are about understanding each other’s needs and feelings and being willing to meet in the middle and make an effort to make small changes which make a big difference to you partner. And equally, you need to adjust your expectations - if he’s telling you he doesn’t feel comfortable doing or saying X, you need to take that on board and accept he will show you he cares in other ways.

I never put kisses in my text messages for example; or use terms of endearment like “babe”, “honey” or “darling” when I speak to people. It doesn’t mean I don’t care for somebody, or that I’ve been hurt in the past and can’t express emotion, it’s just not something I have as a learned reference and it feels phoney to me to try to do it. But I’ll send somebody a postcard, with a nice message on it, just because; or hunt out their favourite wine for an evening in.

Also it broke his heart.... What did he do about all these time constraints? If he loved her so much surely he would have come to some compromise?

Sounds like you are at a crossroads. It's not needy to want affection. I think you should tell him how you are feeling and give him the opportunity to meet your needs.

This will be scary as it could be make or break but at least you would know if he's willing to meet you in the middle. X

That’s a whopping assumption to make @fuddle

I can't get past that you met in August and you've already met his son.

that seems very fast to me. (I started dating someone in August. I haven't yet met his children)

OP, on the one hand, I'd like to say it will all be fine and reassure you that he is showing you how he feels about you, when he isn't able to verbalize that, and that that is good enough. Plus you are otherwise happy. But....

Your instincts are saying this relationship isn't meeting all of your needs. One of which is, quite reasonably, to feel loved and cherished. And to be somewhat of a priority in his life (DS and work permitting of course). We all need to feel important to the person we are with. You are worried he doesn't feel enough for you, because he doesn't say it. And the 'let's just see how it goes' comment smacks of him keeping his options open. Sorry to be blunt.

Do you think he sees you as a FWB (albeit an exclusive one) while you see yourselves as 'in a romantic relationship' and therefore you both have different approaches and expectations?

fwiw you don't come across as needy for wanting affection. That's pretty normal. Him not being able to give it (outside of sex) to someone who is supposed to be his GF (at least in your eyes) is not normal. Could he be emotionally stunted?

But anyway, it's not your job to fix him or his hurt from previous relationships. Your needs and wants are just as important. If he isn't meeting those, then have a discussion with him and TELL him what you want and need. Some people need it spelled out. If he then cannot step up, you have some decisions to make.

Remember, this relationship should make you happy, not full of angst.

fuddle your second message really gave me food for thought - thank you. I think the main stumbling block was that his son didn't like her very much and also that she wanted to go away with him for weeks on end which because of his situation he was unable to do. But equally, as you say, compromises may have been made.

Prettyvase thank you, good to know that not everyone is as affectionate as we would like and as you say, needs weighing up with the rest of how he is.

Comtesees You see this is why it's so great to put a question on here, it gives me different perspectives on how other people are - thank you.

@Azzizam great minds!

notevenwithconsent Really? Is that a bad thing? Does it have a bearing on my question? I didn't think that it was that fast (but then I don't know about things like this!), we met on neutral ground, totally suggested by him.

It just seems very soon to me - I am very protective of my kids, and one of the things I like about this man I'm dating is that he is also protective of his. No way would I be introducing anyone until I was sure they were going to be the person I was spending the rest of my life with.

Azzizam Yes, you're right, I do need to tell him my feelings (difficult though that is) even if it does become make or break.

3 months and meeting the 15yr old doesn't seem to bad, maybe he was gaging how his DS felt about you to see if to carry the relationship on or not

He is right when he says actions speak louder than words (I say this after being with someone who was full of bs but never actually put anything into practice and was quite frankly an arse, to now being with someone who doesn't really need to say much because I just feel it from him IYSWIM) but you shouldn't be afraid of telling him how you feel or asking him how he actually feels about you. Everyone needs that clarity and reassurance from time to time.

In terms of the lack of affection, you say he doesn't show you any but then you said he gave you a big hug and a kiss... what level of affection are you after? What would you expect from him? Perhaps he thinks he is being affectionate?

Do you ever make the first move with him in terms of the texts etc? Perhaps he feels awkward in case you don't reciprocate, hence why after a few drinks he felt he could say it.
I suppose it all boils down to you and what you need from someone. Everyone expresses their feelings differently and from where I'm sitting, it sounds like he is showing you how he feels by the bigger things like opening up his world to you (I.e. introducing you to his son, showing you around his sports club etc)
Don't give him rules of what you want him to do otherwise you'll end up just thinking he's only doing it/ saying it to appease you but do ask him how he's feeling, and tell him how you feel about him 💕

My partner of over 20 years found showing affection difficult, as the years have gone by he has relaxed more with the hugs from the family and now instigates affection himself. You are still in early days, give it time.

I agree with what everyone else has said about communication and assessing what you need from this relationship, versus what you are actually getting, but I would also point you back to this:

I grew up in a household with no real love and affection and so I admit to craving constant reassurance and so now dealing with someone who doesnt give this I find extremely difficult and to be honest makes me sad.

Based on the above, could it be that you want a bit more than some people do, while he wants to give a bit less than others due to previous hurt? If so, a gradual drift toward the middle ground could be exactly what you both need. You just need to talk to each other to get there...

To address what @poppyfr33 and @wishywashy6 say about styles, I don't consider myself the gushy type. Quite the opposite in fact. I've been hurt so much in the past that I built up walls around myself and my emotions, so much so that I never wanted to or thought I would let anyone in. Fast forward 4 months into a new relationship, and I tell my BF how I feel about him (with all the cringey gushy things I never thought I'd say) because I feel so strongly that I want him to know my feelings, that he should feel secure, wanted and loved for who he is. I could not now imagine holding back from this, even though it is not how I expected the damaged, cynical me would/should behave.

In short, I'm saying that if he felt that strongly about you, then even with a bad relationship in his past (don't we all), why would he not want you to know how he feels? If he is genuinely too hurt and damaged to express his feelings, and if he has those feelings for you, then he isn't ready to have a real and loving relationship right now. The other scenario is that he just isn't as into you as you are him. Have an honest and open discussion with him, and you will find out either way. If he really cares about you, and sees a future, then you can decide to give him more time to be affectionate once he knows you need that from him.

Also, working out you have been with him 3 months (ish) how many times have you actually spent a substantial amount of time with him?

If it's twice a week, its not a lot of time, your still growing your feelings for that person surely. Anyone being full on lovey dovey with me at this stage would have me running for the hills as i wouldn't believe in their feelings.

He's introduced you to his DS, you've mixed with his friends/club, take it slowly, relish the build up of the connection between you both, dont rush this.

i'm not overly effectionate but the more closer i feel to someone the more tactile i become.

Have you told each other your love eachother? You see, if this was a yes, i would be very inclined not to believe him/you after such a short space of time. I would think youre inlove with the idea of the relationship rather than loving me as a person, warts and all

I would be concerned about the comments he has made ('don't fish' and 'let's see where this goes') but it sounds like they are being taken in isolation because you are fretting about this. I totally subscribe to the actions speak louder than words school of thought (although I am also a chronic over-thinker) but in your shoes I would also want to feel lots of affection because that's what I enjoy and need.

You are not in the wrong for wanting these things, especially as you know that it comes from a deep-rooted place. Presumably you haven't yet had the conversation about your childhood with him that you could use to explain your feelings? Rather than saying to him that he isn't doing X, Y or Z, you can explain it by saying that you need A, B or C. But you might need to be prepared for him to come back and say that for his own reasons he can't give you that.

You've said that you have a lot of time to think about things at the moment, which is probably making it all seem more drastic than it actually is, but you know what the next step has to be...

Good luck xx

Paulhollywoodsexgut. I said compromise.....

Thank you for all of the replies, much appreciated.

myfatarse Thank you. Weirdly I met a work colleague today and gave her a very shortened version of my situation and she mentioned the amount of time we've been together vs the amount of times we've seen each other, which actually works out at being less than once a week so taking that into account, your second paragraph and my friends reaction of 'well it's really only very early days then' makes me feel that I am probably expecting too much from him right now. Neither of us have mentioned the love word yet and I feel it's way to early for that.

Kin2 - Yes, your third paragraph I think is spot on - thank you

wishywashy Exactly! What level of affection am I after?? Problem is I'm judging him by my ex's shows of affection and he was probably far more tactile and affectionate that the norm so I shouldn't expect this new guy to be the same and, I suppose what I'm conveniently forgetting is that I'd been with my ex for many many years and I remember having huge issues with my relationship in the beginning. This guy gave me a huge hug a a kiss when he went and said 'I'll see you next week' and then left, actually, I suppose with my logical brain in that's quite affectionate!

MaggieMuggins (love your name btw!), yes, I think I'm probably taking those two comments in isolation! In the same conversation he said that instead of a birthday present from me he'd like to spend an evening at mine, making a meal together with a bottle of wine and watch a film, maybe I'm just forgetting the nice things he does say because they aren't 'compliments'. And I have got far too much thinking space at the moment, I know if I was back at work full time I'd be different.

Bundy No, I don't think for one moment this is a FWB relationship for him. We've spent time together without sex being involved and when we first got together I told him not to give me the run around he answered that he doesn't have time for that. We go out together and do 'normal stuff' and talk loads when together. I understand totally why you would think that though.

Taking on board everything you have all so kindly said I think I need to get my head straight, take a step back from it all and, for the next few weeks (when finally neither of us are away on holiday!) slow down and not over analyse. I do need to ask how he's feeling about me and need to work out the best way to do that.

Analysing how I am towards him, maybe he could say I'm not super affectionate??!! I hold back because he does, I don't often say nice things to him, although I do put nice things in texts more than he does (though not often!).

I need to shake myself down, give myself a bit of a slap and try and enjoy this for a while and try and stop this overthinking (haha easier said than done!). Thank you all so much, it's been a huge help writing this and reading your replies.