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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't deal with his attitude/behaviour

48 replies

Lu234 · 15/11/2018 09:19

I don't even know what I'm asking here. Hell, I think I just need to vent.

I have been with DP 3.5 years now but known him a total of 8.
We dated at university but it wasn't to be. Then 3.5 years ago, got back together.

Usual story, it started off amazing. We had the same plans and wanted the same things out of life.

This is my biggest concern at present. Now, I haven't seen any of my friends for 3.5 years. Partly because I became (and still am) very unwell, obviously now we're all in full time work which causes difficulty and every time we do make a plan, my DP sabotages them.
I'm supposed to be going out tomorrow eve with a few of the girls. Due to losing a shit tonne of weight, I've had to buy new clothes... I've also bought fake nails and hair extensions.
Every time the plans are brought up, DP goes into a huff. He wants to know exactly where we're going (no real plans have been made, just town and clubs), he agrilly asks "Why are you tarting yourself up?" (maybe because I want to fit in and feel confident?)... He reckons I should be wearing jeans and a t-shirt for a night on the town and has insisted that he drive me to the meeting point.

For months he has had an attitude with me. Saying that I talk to him like a "c*nt" and nagging at him.

It's his responsibility to take the dog for her last walk at about 10.30. I do the feeding and putting to bed. Now come 10.30, he's usually asleep on the sofa so I wake him... multiple times, every time!! The thing is, I can't go to bed until the dog is back from her walk and I'm the one having to get up at 6.30 the next morning for work. Selfish? Or just lazy? I don't even know.
He works self employeed and only 2-3 days a week so he gets a lie in most mornings.

On his days off, he does a quick tidy up and then God knows what. I come home at around 5.30 and he's only just doing the pot wash. I suspect he's napping/playing Xbox all day and not much else.
On a Sunday I deep clean the kitchen and bathroom and he sits and does sweet FA...apart from taking the dog for a walk.

I cook his food as if I don't, he doesn't eat properly. After a long hard day at work, I spend an hour in the kitchen making meals whilst he walks the dog and watches TV.

I pay the rent. He pays half the utility bills. This is because he's a very low earner with his self employed business. He owes me and the joint bank account around £600 altogether which he is paying £20 a week to as this is all he can afford.

He uses my old phone to access my social media when I'm out. I have nothing to hide (he knows this as I'm always either at work or with him at home). What cuts me up about this is that he's been reading private messages that occurred whilst I was single.

As with most couples, we have celeb crushes... But im not allowed to verbalize them. He however can make comment on women e.g. in the street/supermarket to me and think this is okay. Heaven forbid i admit that Channing Tatum is my type.

He no longer comes to bed because "there's nothing in there for me". Meaning "because you go to sleep as you have to be up at 6.30am and I can't watch tv/smoke/sex etc.".

I've spoken to him about all of these things and he helps out for a week or so and then it's back to square one. These are just the main issues, I have a list as long of my arm of incidents that have happened... all of which are "my fault".

Like I say, I don't think I'm asking anything... maybe some advice? But damn it feels good to vent!!

OP posts:
altiara · 15/11/2018 09:28

No advice, just a question - why are you with him? He sounds awful. You should be able to see your friends, not have him owe you money, not have him go through your phone, not tell you what you wear, not swear at you.....

Frosty66611 · 15/11/2018 09:29

He sounds awful and he doesn’t respect you as a person if he thinks it’s ok to treat you in such a shitty way.
Has he been cheated on before as he sounds deeply insecure and jealous? No excuse for his behaviour though - he should get some therapy if he’s feeling so out of control with his paranoia that he’s having to check through your old messages and doesn’t want you to look nice on a night out with your friends. Trust is the single most important factor in a relationship and if it’s missing from one side then the relationship is doomed. He will just get more and more bitter and controlling whilst you get more and more resentful.
Does he have any redeeming qualities? From what you have said so far he is rude, lazy, disrespectful, controlling, jealous, paranoid, insecure, entitled and has financial issues. Why are you still with him? You could surely do so much better and be a lot happier

IdaBWells · 15/11/2018 09:35

I really don’t see what is in it for you. He definitely doesn’t cherish you, especially considering you subsidize his cushy lifestyle. He seems worried and jealous that you might meet someone - probably because he knows you could easily do a lot better.

So I have the same question as altiara - why are you with him?

ameliameerkat · 15/11/2018 09:35

He's controlling and abusive. He won't change. LTB.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 15/11/2018 09:40

What a horrible controlling nasty lazy person. Find your happiness.

TeaForDad · 15/11/2018 09:40

This relationship sounds awful.
Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2018 09:41

Venting is all very well and good but it does not help you in the long run.

Why are you with him at all?. Why is your relationship bar so low here? What are you getting out of this relationship?

Being single is far more preferable than being with someone who abuses you so.

Mix56 · 15/11/2018 09:48

Thank the lord you have no DC
This is who he is. No coaching, coaxing or calling out will change him
He is lazy... & thinks you will pick up his slack. it stops there
Boot to touch

DoctorManhattan · 15/11/2018 09:50

So, to sum up :

He's possessive and controlling
He's lazy
He leeches off you
He appears to have little in the way of ambition or drive
He doesn't respect your privacy

Why are you still with him? Do you think this is the best you can do in terms of life-partner?

CloudPop · 15/11/2018 09:50

Life's too short

SuchAToDo · 15/11/2018 09:58

Op why are you with this man, this relationship doesn't sound enjoyable or healthy, it sounds like a nightmare, having him go through your phone, tell you what to wear etc...you don't sound compatible with each other at all, you probably want a normal partner who is equal, and he wants a cowering doormat who will do as he says, dress as he says, and allow him to look through messages etc...

You literally have no privacy with him, he doesn't trust you, you do know that?..if he did he wouldn't be going through your messages and social media, wouldn't be complaining about your clothes, and wouldn't be insisting on driving you to your nights out with the girls...why are you putting up with it?..you could.do much better, find a man who will make you happy and who will be secure in himself to allow you to be yourself...not a man who tries to control and suppress you..

I could not put up with that day after day,

Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2018 10:14

Leave him. Why on earth haven't you already? At this point, don't you think you need to take some responsibility for your own happiness?

StarsAndMoonlight · 15/11/2018 10:18

Why don't you dump him?

Lu234 · 15/11/2018 10:19

Honestly I haven't left because I rely on the money he pays for the utilities, he looks after the dog who cannot be left on her own and because I know I won't see a penny of the money he owes me if I kick him out :(

OP posts:
Cawfee · 15/11/2018 10:22

Why are you letting him dictate to you? You are going out with the girls it’s up to you what you wear? Why are you letting him drive you there? Get a taxi! He’s only doing this stuff because you’re letting him get away with it! Get a backbone and start telling him no. If he doesn’t like it then he knows where the door is.

Cawfee · 15/11/2018 10:23

Crikey. Being owed money isn’t a reason to keep sharing a bed with somebody and honestly, neither is the dog. Bit weird to use that as an excuse. Dog walker? Plenty of people are single and have dogs you know.

StarsAndMoonlight · 15/11/2018 10:24

So if you won't dump him, why are you letting him dictate to you?

Wear what you want, go where you want and if he doesn't like it - tough.

Monday55 · 15/11/2018 10:24

£600 is not worth this abuse at all..I'd be paying him a £1000 to get rid!

You deserve better and the time you're wasting with him you'll never get it back.

HereIgoagainxx · 15/11/2018 10:25

Your relationship is grim. Why are you selling yourself so short? Is this the life you envisaged for yourself?

He sounds absolutely horrendous. You need to leave him and get the life you deserve.

Your post is heartbreaking to read :(

beenandgoneandbackagain · 15/11/2018 10:26

Honestly I haven't left because I rely on the money he pays for the utilities, he looks after the dog who cannot be left on her own and because I know I won't see a penny of the money he owes me if I kick him out sad

So your happiness is worth £300 - £500 a month. How did you come to place such little value on yourself? I think this man has been doing a slowburn number on you - your self esteem is shot. He is abusive, what is happening to you is emotional abuse. It will get worse the longer you stay with him - in fact he will probably start getting angry/violent if you do make moves to get rid of him, so be careful but be strong.

Find another solution for the dog.

DoctorManhattan · 15/11/2018 10:27

In the grand scheme of things, if you got rid of him and he refused to pay the money he owes, you'd be out £600 in terms of that debt. That to me is actually a fairly good investment, £600 to remove a bloodsucker from your life is money well spent - many people have had to spend thousands and lost property and more to achieve the same.

If you continue to facilitate him and this behaviour continues on, I can assure you it's highly likely you'll be out much more than £600 - never mind the effect on your mental health.

In terms of the utilities, you can't stay indefinitely in an unhappy relationship simply because someone needs to pay the 'leccy and so on. You don't mention children, thus I assume there are none, so it appears your only ties are financial ones. Put simply, you'll either need to rent somewhere cheaper or find another source of income to supplement your main one - part-time work or ebay or whatever.

If he's only paying half the bills and you cover the rent entirely, surely his contribution is only a nominal one anyway? Is that really worth enduring his behaviour?

Lu234 · 15/11/2018 10:30

£600 is a huge amount for me. I am a low earner due to health issues and also rely on a disability benefit. Without his small input I will be pushing my money as it is. That 600 is a safety blanket to cover his half of the bills if we split. As for the dog, I cannot afford £125 a week to put her into daycare.

OP posts:
Wellfuckmeinbothears · 15/11/2018 10:32

He sounds awful. For gods sake do not marry him or have children with him. Find another solution for the dog, doggy daycare or a dog walker/sitter. You say you rely on him for the bills, could you move to a smaller place so less rent? Who is on the tenancy?

Lu234 · 15/11/2018 10:34

Both on the tenancy however i am the main tenant. We're renting of housing association and are in the cheapest accommodation they offer (1 bed studio).

OP posts:
LurkinMerkin · 15/11/2018 10:34

Started drafting but beenandgoneandbackagain has covered everything I wanted to say. OP this isn’t going to get better, can you afford to draw a line under the money, it’s not a good reason to stay.

Get free of him, get your life and happiness back, he’s toxic and useless and isn’t going to do your health any favours. I have a chronic health condition, I really feel for you, one thing that absolutely helps is feeling supported, not judged/abused. You’re supposed to be a team, he’s meant to have your back and encourage you to go out and enjoy yourself, not be locked into angry jealous drudgery.
Whatever you do, please go on your night out, have a brilliant time, it might be just what you need to help you shift your mindset, don’t let him control you. X

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