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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't deal with his attitude/behaviour

48 replies

Lu234 · 15/11/2018 09:19

I don't even know what I'm asking here. Hell, I think I just need to vent.

I have been with DP 3.5 years now but known him a total of 8.
We dated at university but it wasn't to be. Then 3.5 years ago, got back together.

Usual story, it started off amazing. We had the same plans and wanted the same things out of life.

This is my biggest concern at present. Now, I haven't seen any of my friends for 3.5 years. Partly because I became (and still am) very unwell, obviously now we're all in full time work which causes difficulty and every time we do make a plan, my DP sabotages them.
I'm supposed to be going out tomorrow eve with a few of the girls. Due to losing a shit tonne of weight, I've had to buy new clothes... I've also bought fake nails and hair extensions.
Every time the plans are brought up, DP goes into a huff. He wants to know exactly where we're going (no real plans have been made, just town and clubs), he agrilly asks "Why are you tarting yourself up?" (maybe because I want to fit in and feel confident?)... He reckons I should be wearing jeans and a t-shirt for a night on the town and has insisted that he drive me to the meeting point.

For months he has had an attitude with me. Saying that I talk to him like a "c*nt" and nagging at him.

It's his responsibility to take the dog for her last walk at about 10.30. I do the feeding and putting to bed. Now come 10.30, he's usually asleep on the sofa so I wake him... multiple times, every time!! The thing is, I can't go to bed until the dog is back from her walk and I'm the one having to get up at 6.30 the next morning for work. Selfish? Or just lazy? I don't even know.
He works self employeed and only 2-3 days a week so he gets a lie in most mornings.

On his days off, he does a quick tidy up and then God knows what. I come home at around 5.30 and he's only just doing the pot wash. I suspect he's napping/playing Xbox all day and not much else.
On a Sunday I deep clean the kitchen and bathroom and he sits and does sweet FA...apart from taking the dog for a walk.

I cook his food as if I don't, he doesn't eat properly. After a long hard day at work, I spend an hour in the kitchen making meals whilst he walks the dog and watches TV.

I pay the rent. He pays half the utility bills. This is because he's a very low earner with his self employed business. He owes me and the joint bank account around £600 altogether which he is paying £20 a week to as this is all he can afford.

He uses my old phone to access my social media when I'm out. I have nothing to hide (he knows this as I'm always either at work or with him at home). What cuts me up about this is that he's been reading private messages that occurred whilst I was single.

As with most couples, we have celeb crushes... But im not allowed to verbalize them. He however can make comment on women e.g. in the street/supermarket to me and think this is okay. Heaven forbid i admit that Channing Tatum is my type.

He no longer comes to bed because "there's nothing in there for me". Meaning "because you go to sleep as you have to be up at 6.30am and I can't watch tv/smoke/sex etc.".

I've spoken to him about all of these things and he helps out for a week or so and then it's back to square one. These are just the main issues, I have a list as long of my arm of incidents that have happened... all of which are "my fault".

Like I say, I don't think I'm asking anything... maybe some advice? But damn it feels good to vent!!

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 15/11/2018 10:38

You need to work on a way to bring in some more money and get rid of him. You are wasting your life.

Could you moved into a shared tenancy? Where there is a will there is a way.

You sound defeated, but people leave in far worse situations and get back on their feet.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/11/2018 10:39

You can get a dog walker. Once you have this terrible joy-sucking Dementor out of your life, you will probably have enough energy left over to increase your earnings, if that's the only issue that keeps him there. He honestly sounds awful.

itsnowthewaitinggame · 15/11/2018 10:46

If you are in receipt of a disability benefit you may be entitled to claim extra allowances due to working if you are single. Have you had a look on the benefit calculator? There'll also be the single person's discount for council tax. Lots of people live alone and manage. I don't think finances is a reason to stay with someone who's actually being so disrespectful.
Also lots of people leave dogs at home. It's only more recently that people are paying for dog walkers / sitters. I can't remember what it's called but there's a sort of buddy system for people prepared to walk your dog for free on occasion. Someone might know what it's called.

Frosty66611 · 15/11/2018 10:48

Are there no dog walkers in your area? Where I live they charge about £7 for a 30 minute walk. Do you have a family member who could help with the walks for a bit? Or would you be able to do an early morning walk and a late walk after work (I know it wouldn’t be ideal if you are exhausted from working full time and also have health problems though).
If you aren’t going to leave him then you need to be extremely clear with him what your boundaries are and what you aren’t going to put up with anymore. He’s hardly going to walk out on you when he has such an easy lifestyle with you. He surely knows no one else would put up with his laziness and horrible behaviour. Can you not tell him to take on a part time job a day or two a week to be bringing in more money?! Why should he get a few days a week to laze around and not work?

Furgggggg12 · 15/11/2018 11:02

Look at the sunken costs fallacy. Your life is a misery with the potential of him paying £600

OR

You are free of him, you don't have him leeching off you.

Unicornandbows · 15/11/2018 12:17

Is there any way you can perhaps take time off work under holidays say 1 Dec you kick him out and you've booked two weeks and get a trainer or set a routine for the dog to learn to cope being alone plus get a dog walker in your area along with cameras you can interact with her through. Basically work out a new routine for her so she's not completely on her own yet there's someone that checks up on her.

I would also create a listing on gumtree or through agency for a lodger to keep you financially stable and I am sure you will get much more than utilities bill off them.

Think it's about setting a ball in motion to be honest there are ways to get out of it and I really hope some of the ideas I've listed will be useful to you x

Lu234 · 15/11/2018 12:26

@unicornandbows Im in a 1 bed studio so no lodgers. As for the routine of the dog, I cannot take time off work without 6 weeks notice and I will not be paid for this time as my annual leave has been almost taken.
I genuinely won't be able to afford a walker/sitter and as I have no immediate family I cannot rely on others for dog care or financial help.

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 15/11/2018 12:30

Did you get the dog with him? Maybe he should take the dog when he goes.
He'll be costing you a lot more than the £20 he's paying you so keeping him around for that is crazy.
How are you so financially strapped? In a HA property with a full time wage you should be able to pay your own utilities?

beenandgoneandbackagain · 15/11/2018 12:35

Stay with him then. Be miserable. Be grateful for the small amount of money he gives you. The dog will be dead in 8 years time and you will have wasted even more time with your "partner", your self esteem will be even lower, the relationship will probably have become violent at times, and you will then realise that you have wasted years of your life when you could have done something about it. Are you hoping Mumsnet will give you a magic wand to turn this abusive man into a kind and caring person? Because if you are, that doesn't exist. No one can change this man except himself, and unfortunately I have never known of a man like that who can change. Sorry to be harsh but that is the reality of the situation. You are allowing yourself to be worn down and abused - stop it.

funkylittleboatrace · 15/11/2018 12:49

Are you afraid of being on your own OP?.

Lu234 · 15/11/2018 12:52

@funkylittleboatrace Probably. I have mental health issues as well as a physical disability. I'm worried without someone I'll be stuck indoors apart from work and I'll lose my disability benefit as I'll have to do things i struggle with by myself.

OP posts:
ThunderInMyHeart · 15/11/2018 12:57

Please break up with him.

Loopytiles · 15/11/2018 12:58

He is very bad news in many ways, isn’t he!

After the initial upheaval and financial / housing stress you will be better off without him.

Make plans, investigate your options. You may be a priority for housing alone given your health and that you will be leaving an abusive relationship.

The dog is a problem: unless you can find a solution you can afford then you will unfortunately need to give up the dog, which is very sad but not as sad as remaining in a bad relationship with this loser.

Stop cooking for him immediately FFS! If he doesn’t eat well that’s his choice.

If you can,take the dog for an earlier walk, then go to bed earlier. Or don’t walk the dog and leave DP to put dog to bed: your sleep / health is a higher priority.

WitchyMcWitchface · 15/11/2018 13:00

I would go to CAB citizens advice because you need to speak to someone who understands the benefits situation. Perhaps you could lodge with a person who is happy to have a dog , eg someone housebound , but speak secretly to cab first

Olderbyaminute · 15/11/2018 13:05

OP I know you’re between a rock and a hard place but I would kick that fucker’s ass to the curb ASAP. He’s lazy and verbally abusive. If he truly loved you he would find a way to earn more income to help run the household and do more housework because that’s what a mature adult does. Hell I’d be so tempted to throw a bucket of ice water on him if he sleeps through walking the dog. Please seek benefits advice and women’s aid today.

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2018 13:10

OP you need to get rid of him. He's lazy. He's controlling. He doesn't bring anything to the party apart from a begrudging dog walk. Seriously. He's a knob

funkylittleboatrace · 15/11/2018 13:39

I get that being alone can be scary at first but then after a while you get use to and actually like it well I did , it's got to be better than your current situation.

wizzywig · 15/11/2018 13:41

I think channing tatum is single now. Ditch the husband and go for it.

Adora10 · 15/11/2018 14:26

If you pay the all the rent and he pays half the utilities, he's basically paying for what he uses, if he goes, you won't have that half of the bills to cover so won't be any worse off?

Also, see if there are any borrow my doggy sites, people actually will take your dog out voluntarily, no fee.

Also, if you are disabled this might be even more accessible for you.

Plus, if you don't earn enough, you would be entitled to housing benefit; even if working.

You sound full of excuses tbh; to carry on this shit situation, you sound like a slave that is being abused, please value yourself and have a life that you can make your own choices, get back in touch with old pals, it's easier now than ever to look up old mates.

Adora10 · 15/11/2018 14:27

You'd also get a single person discount on your council tax.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/11/2018 14:40

Wouldn't your utilities be cheaper without a person sitting at home most of the time, using heat, water and electricity? Who buys the food?

Forgotmycoat · 15/11/2018 21:32

Op you can do this.
Single person discount for council tax

Claim whatever benefits you are entitled to. Council tax, housing, etc.

Save on utilities.

Your disability benefits may take a hit, however you will be financially better off in other ways. If your mental and physical health improves as a result of him leaving, you may even be able to work more/work from home.

Please don't put up with this man. He is an able bodied man who is essentially sponging off you. Get rid. Don't let fear hold you back.

BumbleBeee69 · 15/11/2018 21:44

I'd kick his lazy entitled controlling arse out the door and starve rather than let this clown dictate what I do in my life Flowers

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