Dating - why do you think you are a catch?

[Sonjing]

Hi all, triggered by a different thread about dating and dating "leagues".

Some of the comments made think about the way we perceive our attractiveness and what aspects we judge ourselves and others by.

So if you think you are a catch in the dating world, what makes you feel that way? Is it your age, your looks, your body shape/ weight, your job, your wealth, personality or intelligence?

On the other hand, if you don't feel like you are catch, why is that?

Bookmarking

But my starter for 10 would be..............

Authenticity.

Which is the other thread you refer to?

I have lots of qualities I think should make me 'a catch'. Unfortunately, men don't seem to agree because I don't have the most important ones (young, slim and beautiful).

People will often tell me that they don't know why I'm single yet here I am - terminally single...

I was reading this old thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2833070-Is-it-important-to-have-a-concept-of-your-dating-league

It's odd because I don't think I am an exceptional person.

But my Dp thinks I am a catch. Physical attributes would be my eyes, my body shape and my hair.

Personality wise - it's that I am quite intelligent (book smart but not always full of common sense), I can hold the attention of a room full of directors from one of the world's largest companies (dp loves to see videos of me at conferences). He finds me funny and quirky. Says I think differently to lots of people, which Is why my career is doing well. He thinks I have a 'presence' and can command a room. He likes that I am very loyal. Don't gossip and never sit back while people screw over someone else.

My exh and a few people I have dated have said the same about a presence.

However I think I am fairly average. I don't think I have a presence. At conferences I am shitting myself and am always glad I managed to get through it. I do well at work because I managed to figure out directors don't know the detail and so take my word for things. I suffer from imposter syndrome. I hate drawing attention to myself and do want to be a 'presence'.

I do think differently, which I hate. Its been good for my career. But has made my own life very difficult. I have never seen eye to eye with my family and am low contact. I have struggled to make many good friends. I am extremely loyal to the friends I do have. So I would agree with the loyalty bit.

Honestly, I think I am below average and am not a good catch. But DP and men I have dated see something else. I think if you are attracted to someone you see someone in a much more positive light.

I look at Dp and think he is sexy, handsome, quick witted, intelligent.....He thinks I am off my head when I say it. He doesn't see it.

Oh and when it comes to looking at my physically, I do like my eyes. Not bother about my hair. Barely do anything with it. And though I do have an hour glass shape, I could do to lose about 3 stone.

Never found my weight has put men off though. It must have done along the way, but if a man doesn't fancy me, he doesn't fancy me. Never spent a long time dwelling on it.

If I was a man in the dating world I'd be laughing. I'm in my 50's, hard working professional, non mortgaged house, big pension coming, adult children who don't cause my any grief, kind, thoughtful and don't drink/take drugs.

But because i'm a WOMAN, this only appeals to men in their 70's for some bizarre reason, and even then, it's men who aren't solvent and have played the promiscuous field for years and now want to be looked after. No thanks, i'd rather be single.

On the dating threads on here there is the mantra "Remember that you're the prize". I've always found that a bit odd.

I realise that everyone finds different qualities attractive and would like to think that there's a perfect someone for everybody but it implies that everyone is equally eligible and that's just not true and can foster an undeserved sense of entitlement. I've seen lots of friends/family, of both sexes, reject perfectly decent people because they feel they deserve someone absolutely out of their league.

I was online dating up until meeting DP early this year. I was ridiculously fussy about who I replied to/engaged with and never sent a single opening message. I felt confident enough to let them come to me.

My "unattractive" traits:

Having DC
Knocking on a bit (late 30's)
Not having a high-flying/well paid career
Slightly 'alternative' appearance (piercings/hair colour/wardrobe).

My "attractive" traits:

Intelligence
Personality
Core values
Independent
Sense of fun
Non-materialistic
Not vapid
Own home/car
Being somewhat slim and somewhat attractive
Modesty, obvs 😉

I felt happy to wait for an opening message that would really knock my socks off. A risky strategy, I know, but it paid off in the end. Have never been happier!

On the dating threads on here there is the mantra "Remember that you're the prize". I've always found that a bit odd

I think it's valuable in the sense it's intended on the dating threads. From my understanding of it, it means that women (because it's really only women who do it) don't have to contort themselves and their beliefs to make every man who shows the vaguest interest in them The One.

I know a few women who will date vile men just so that they are not single.

You only have to read other threads on here where a woman finds out her husband is cheating and is devastated only for her to reveal 5 posts in that this isn't the first time and there is an entire history of cheating; sexting; flirting that she had previously forgiven because she believed his explanation or because she hadn't wanted to see him like that or she'd wanted to give him a second chance. When really she should have dumped him the first time.

Actually, I think that's one of my least attractive qualities - I don't tolerate disrespect from men and they seem to expect that in fuckloads.

I've no qualms in finishing it with men who behave disrespectfully but the tears and indignation and pleas and apologies that follow suggest that they genuinely expect these to work!

Notsuchasmug

Absolutely agree with you as I think you have just described me and the situation I'm in.

Keeping optimistic that there is a quality gent out there!!

I tried internet dating after the demise of my marriage. Went on a few dates, found a guy who seemed like everything I’d been waiting for... 16 months later he broke my heart by dumping me by text and ghosting me.
I’m scared that I have nothing to offer anyone, the wrong side of 35, not the skinniest or best looking.

Agree with you, smug married - I am as you describe and think I would be a real 'catch' - I'm sorted materially, emotionally stable and have such a lot to offer. But I'm invisible to men.

If it weren't so sad it would be funny, seeing all the OLD guys who ignored my opening message, or said 'thanks but ive met someone' , still online and looking weeks/months later. You'd think they'd twig that they might need to revise their strategy a little - but ho hum, their loss!

I once on here tried to post why I thought I was a catch and there are some decent men out there on a thread of that ilk.

I was flamed to within an inch of my life.

it had taken me years to build up confidence and believe in myself and a bunch of not very nice people on here tried to undo that and call me arrogant. Believing in yourself and confidence are a million mile away from arrogance but people don't know the difference.

It's great to see a positive thread and people believing in themselves, if the doom sayers could stay away please, there's nothing more destructive than wanting to undermine someone and make them feel bad. Let alone someone making an offhand comment that takes them 5 seconds to type on the other side of the world.

@ChateauneufduTwat

that's one of the rules I and the original daters came up with. It's now a bit out of context as there have been 60 or so threads since then!

it means it's up to you to cling onto your self respect and self esteem when dating and not throw yourself at someone, coming on too strong or looking a bit bonkers. Remember you are worthy of respect, and command it.

it's also up to the person you are dating to do the same, you can't do that for them all you can do is look after your own self image and behaviour.

I went into OLD with very low self esteem a few years ago. Met a guy who I felt was a bit out of my league (I think he did too ) but we grew to love and appreciate each other. Throughout the relationship there has been an undercurrent of me feeling that he settled.

In the end, he did build up my confidence to the extent that I do think he’s been lucky to have me. And several times I’ve felt that we’d be better off apart. However I keep drifting back to him as I can’t bear the thought of having to go through meeting somebody new and finding I’ve taken all my issues with me. I know he’ll take all his issues with him too and he’ll regret leaving me, but we’re not we’ll suited, have different core values, he has an odd home life and after 6 years we’re still living two separate lives, so it just feels like we’re going nowhere.

I know he’ll never find someone like me, which I guess makes me feel that I’m a catch, but more based on how I have taken care of him and loved him than how I look or what I have to give at the start of a relationship. I’m quite shy and I don’t think someone would realise quite what they get with me until they dig a bit deeper.

I’ve been told I’m funny, clever and beautiful. I can’t say those things for myself as I’d feel arrogant, but I do think I’m one of those people who goes the extra mile to make someone feel loved, handmade gifts, cooking his favourite food, attending to him physically in every way you can imagine. If I listed what a fucking awesome girlfriend I am on my profile I’d attract all the selfish bastards out there! So I’ll keep it on the down low and hope I meet someone worthy.

Why am I a catch? I don't know really...I'm a bit of a nerd, I like food....I don't think anyone would want to date me tbh lol. I'm not attractive or slim, and to be honest, couldn't be arsed with men were I single haha.

On the downside I’m fat and 44, with 3 DCs. I don’t have much money and I don’t get much time off. However, if someone is looking for someone “hot as fuck to make the ex jealous” (apparently what DP was looking for in the beginning, until he found me and realised that wasn’t important ) they’ll miss out.

But because i'm a WOMAN, this only appeals to men in their 70's for some bizarre reason, and even then, it's men who aren't solvent and have played the promiscuous field for years and now want to be looked after. No thanks, i'd rather be single

This is so, so true. It seems when men date a lot go for women around 20 years younger. And the much older ones just want a nurse and a purse.

I do think I'm a catch to the right man, in some ways. I'm intelligent, I read, volunteer, vote and pay attention to current affairs, I like a big range of music, enjoy art and theatre, and take part in a sport. I own a house and have savings, I'm a decent mum and have good relationships with my parents and inlaws, I'm quite funny, give a decent blow job, take responsibility for my own orgasm, can cook if I'm concentrating, and I'm physically and mentally strong. I have quite good tits, at least for my age, and nice legs.

But I'm plain, and 2 stone overweight, and 50. I usually like men my own age. So anyone I fancy will easily be able to date people 10 or 15 years younger and a lot prettier. Why wouldn't they want that? I don't think it's unreasonable that they don't fancy me tbh. I don't really want to be with men who are 65 plus either - that's my choice.

I'd hate to do it all over again.
I'm not a catch. I'm alright, but certainly not a catch.

Ooh this is interesting. I'm very happy with DH of 21 years.

My negatives
I'm short
I'm massively overweight
I snore
I'm picky

But despite these I still seem to have an inflated sense of my value to the opposite sex because of the good stuff:
I'm disarming (I can't talk to anyone about anything)
I'm funny as hell in a dry, self-deprecating way)
I'm really clever in a very interesting unique field where I'm one of very few women and I'm kind of a big deal in that area which for some reason gets me a lot of unsolicited dick pics on social media

I think because I'm happy and not looking for anyone else I don't get too offended that I'm really not many people's cup of tea (due to my figure mainly), but this is how I am and Id hate to change for anyone other than myself and my own health. If I were single, or still wanted more children I would probably feel differently.

I spent a decade with a man who eroded my self confidence and made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. More or less purposefully I think.

Since that ended I have done a lot of work to be happier with myself and you recognise that I most definitely am ‘a catch’. In fact, it was the beginning that process that caused the end of the relationship.

Now that I’m not horribly downtrodden, I have realised that lots of people we knew had always been of the ‘what is she doing with him?’ persuasion. At least 5 people have laughed (in some cases uproariously) when I told them that he thought (still thinks) that he’s too good for me (and better looking than me). He really, really isn’t. And I think that is at the heart of why I he needed to destroy my self-confidence (any sense of self-worth was ‘arrogance’ apparently; although ironically many people think he is arrogant).

Since you asked, what do I think makes me a catch? I’m intelligent, curious, interesting and resourceful. I have a good career (with possibilities for progression and a very good pension) and own my own house (with a mortgage). I’m completely capable of looking after myself and capable of pretty much anything I set my mind to. I’m quite attractive (this is the hardest to admit to, I think): I look younger than I am; I’m slim and athletic; I have nice eyes, good hair, clear skin, etc; I dress quite nicely. I have plenty of interests and the means to pursue them.

On the other hand, lots of men really do not want someone who is intelligent and capable and (possibly a bit fiercely) independent. And then there’s the having children aspect. But, what I’ve realised is that men for whom either of those things are an issue simply aren’t good enough for me.

My reply will probably sound seriously up myself but I'm recently back in the dating pool and have had to spend some time thinking about this.

I'm 24, which a lot of men seem to like, although I wouldn't talk to anyone over 32-34 (sure it's mildly flattering to have attention from 40 years olds but I assume they're either a sex pest or deficient in some way to take a serious interest in me) and haven't met up with anyone over 30.

I'm in decent nick, 5'7 size 8 hourglass with a hint of muscle. Not that you can tell this from my dating profiles, my pictures are all very conservatively clothed and they only see enough to stave off the stupid comments about "can I see a full length picture, I've been burned before"

I am intelligent, I hold a lot of responsibility at work, and I know what I want. I can normally find an obscure interest to have in common with someone to talk at length at. I have incredibly strong values in terms of what is right or wrong and my work/hobbies revolve around helping others.

On the minus side, I don't make much time for the gym or cheesy 'wellness' stuff, I have very strong political beliefs which not everyone can understand, and I'm an incredibly anxious person which often leads to me trying to choose the right words very carefully and causing misunderstandings anyway.

I seriously don't believe in "leagues". Superficial attraction only goes so far, I'm repulsed by high flying bankers and lawyers because I know they will have relationships suffering due to their work. There is nothing sexier than someone who gets your sense of humour and makes you feel safe, regardless (to an extent) of their looks/wealth/status.

My reply will probably sound seriously up myself

I’m just as guilty of thinking this way, but it’s bloody terrible that we feel the need to preface any discussion of our good points like this.

@TwiceMagic too true - having come out of a relationship where I was treated like a useless idiot and inferior to any random other random woman, it's been tough but necessary to remind myself of what I'm worth. Women are amazing and are so often left in the shadows of men who think they're brilliant but can't appreciate the brilliance of their partners.

Physically I'm not bad-looking (big boobs, toned limbs ignore the belly, big curly hair)

Personality-wise I'm quite funny, fairly sharp, loyal, kind, genuine, uncomplicated, easy to please and just the right amount of odd. Modest too, believe it or not