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Original poster

Does DH have post natal depression?

48 replies

LipstickTraces · 14/11/2018 23:56

We have 12 week old twins. They were premature and spent five weeks in NICU. They are ivf babies. I spent three years trying to get pregnant and we eventually went abroad for private treatment. I’d pretty much thought I would never be a mother and to have two babies feels like a miracle!

DH keeps telling me he feels sad. I really don’t know what to do. Tonight we’ve had a conversation where he’s told me how hard he’s finding it having the babies, that they take up all our time and he feels unhappy. He says he really loves them but is finding it relentless and he’s stressed. He keeps asking me if he can smoke a joint to relax. We agreed before babies were born that that was not going to happen ever once they were here. I’m really upset that he’s gone back on his word and keeps asking me. I also know he’s sexually frustrated. We’ve only had sex once since babies were born but I didn’t really enjoy it. I’ve told him we will have sex again, but right now my body needs to heal. I’m sick of hearing him say how much he misses sex with me. It makes me feel like a shit wife and also annoyed that he can’t just have a wank and stfu for now!

He has a GP appointment next week. I’m hoping they will be able to help. I just feel so flat. I’m so happy to finally have my babies and I (perhaps selfishly) feel like his behaviour is ruining everything. AIBU? I really feel he might have PND. My HV said that men can suffer from it too.

OP posts:
Original poster
LipstickTraces · 15/11/2018 05:09

He also told me that I’m too serious all the time now. I try not to be, but it’s hard when you’ve got two babies to look after, a million things to do and your house is a shit tip that you can’t keep on top ofSad

OP posts:
soupmaker · 15/11/2018 05:58

Alternatively he's being a complete dick.

Congratulations on your babies.

moredoll · 15/11/2018 06:15

More likely he's having trouble adjusting to life without smoke exacerbated by 12 week old twins. I don't think smoking weed helps depression, if that's what he's got.
He'll feel a sense of achievement if he starts tidying the house.
And he just has to accept that sex is off the menu until you feel up to it. It's called being a grown-up.

Phillipa12 · 15/11/2018 06:20

My brother had postnatal depression. I agree with pp, your dh sounds like hes having a teenage strop over not being your first priority anymore, seriously, lack of sex, no spare time and stressed.......youve got 2 babies what did he think was going to happen. Congrats on your babies op, you dont have 2dc, you actually have 3!

Sunnyjac · 15/11/2018 07:03

You’ve already had sex?! He should be delighted about that, it was about six months for us after each of ours. Having babies is a massive life change and requires huge adjustments. Assuming he’s not being a whiny teenager upset at not being the centre of attention anymore then he needs to get some support to start understanding how his life has changed and what he needs to do now. It is relentless, that will never change. Good luck and congratulations

Devilishpyjamas · 15/11/2018 07:12

When did he give up the joints? More likely he’s having withdrawal symptoms.

Original poster
LipstickTraces · 15/11/2018 07:58

He gave them up just before babies arrived. I wasn’t happy about him smoking them even then, but we compromised and agreed it wouldn’t happen at all once they were here. Clearly I was a naive idiot to think he could stick to it!

Perhaps I am being a bit generous in my assessment of his behaviour and he is indeed being a dick. I feel so hurt at the way he’s going on with me. There’s no “well done for spending weeks in hospital with our babies, well done for ebf one baby and expressing for the other (who has feeding and weight issues) you’re doing an amazing job” I just get told I’m too serious all the time and need to calm down.

I don’t even feel like he has that bad a deal tbh. He still stays in bed until at least 9am unless he’s working. He mentioned last night that I put the babies in bed with him when I wake up on such mornings. I do, but only cos it gives me half an hour to let the dog out, feed him and the cat, get some breakfast and express milk before dealing with the babies. I told him I’d fucking LOVE it if he got up to help me, but that never fucking happens. He doesn’t do anywhere near as much overnight stuff for them as me either.

I think I hate him this morning actually!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2018 08:12

Bet he won't ask the GP if he can smoke a joint to relax; its his cannabis smoking that is at the heart of this. He sees you and his children as stopping him from doing that. No mention either from him saying that you are stressed too. Its all about him.

Think you have been somewhat naïve here as to the effects such an addiction can have over a person not least of all its financial cost.

Original poster
LipstickTraces · 15/11/2018 08:54

I have been naive. I used to smoke too occasionally before I fell pregnant. I can take it or leave it though, so I blindly assumed DH was the same.

He gets it for free off a friend though, so at least it’s not costing us. Not that that is any comfort of course!

OP posts:
moredoll · 15/11/2018 11:27

He still stays in bed until at least 9am unless he’s working. He mentioned last night that I put the babies in bed with him when I wake up on such mornings. I do, but only cos it gives me half an hour to let the dog out, feed him and the cat, get some breakfast and express milk before dealing with the babies. I told him I’d fucking LOVE it if he got up to help me, but that never fucking happens. He doesn’t do anywhere near as much overnight stuff for them as me either.

I think I hate him this morning actually!

I do too and I don't even know him!

There's no point in him seeing the doctor if he doesn't mention smokng. It's probably the root of the problem. He needs to say "I want to tell you something off the record which I don't want recorded in my notes." The doctor can't be expected to treat him successfully if they don't have all the facts

Holdingonbarely · 15/11/2018 11:40

He just sounds like a plain simple dickhead who doesn’t actually want the responsibility of children

Adora10 · 15/11/2018 11:41

What a childish selfish dick he sounds, PND my arse, he’s annoyed babies are taking up his precious joint smoking times and is making you feel shit for not attending to his sexual needs, I’d honestly boot him up the arse, he should be in complete awe of you and what you’ve achieved, lies in bed until 9 with twins needing looked after, what a selfish prick.

Stop pandering to him and tell him to do his fair share, go out and leave babies with him he’ll soon forget about his penis then.

Original poster
LipstickTraces · 15/11/2018 12:23

I’m going to tell him he needs to tell the GP about the smoking. Whether he will or not is another thing as he’ll probably be scared of the repercussions.

He’s always lain in bed on a morning. I stupidly believed him when he said that would change after babies got here. They had to go for their 12 week injections this morning. This is a snapshot of our respective mornings.

Me: up at 7am. Fed babies, let dog out for wee, fed him and the cat, grabbed breakfast, expressed milk, showered, got ready, dressed babies ready to go out, brought car seats downstairs.

Him: Got up at 9.15, showered, ready to leave house just in time for appointment. He did change one twin while I did his bottle.

The most staggering thing is that I think he genuinely thinks that’s OK!!

He’s been extra nice to me now because he knows I’m pissed off.

Adora10 He should be in awe of me, but he’s not. I’m in awe of the fact I haven’t fucking murdered him more than anything!

OP posts:
Original poster
LipstickTraces · 15/11/2018 12:24

Oh and I’d love to leave him with babies, but my ebf twin won’t take bottlesSad

OP posts:
Adora10 · 15/11/2018 12:31

You can leave him for an hour and at night even if you’re there but doing something else get him involved, he’s now a parent and needs to act that way!

I think you’re fantastic 🙏😘

Original poster
LipstickTraces · 15/11/2018 12:36

Thank you AdoraSmile

I do leave him sometimes, just not for very long. My ebf twin usually starts screaming and he gets stressed. He will feed bottle twin at night, but I have to wake him to do it! It feels easier to do it myself than have to spend ten minutes rousing him when the baby is screaming. If he’s working (he works 12 hour shifts) I’ll do all the night feeds the day before and after so he can rest. I’m a bloody mug basically.

OP posts:
Bekabeech · 15/11/2018 12:38

I think you are amazing.

He is an utter dick.

You have twins and a dog and a cat, and at present you are being a single parent and doing fabulously.
I wish I had a magic wand and I'd get rid of him and give you a fabulous Au Pair instead.

Adora10 · 15/11/2018 12:45

Ok well get him to do the other duties like get out his bed and feed the bloody animals and walk the dog, prepare YOU some food and do some chores not that you should have to ask him! I’m sorry OP but I’d have little respect for a man that was not doing these things off his own back, he sounds very lazy and selfish!

Get a rota up now tell him he has to muck in or you’ll separate, seriously, maybe then he’ll stop hankering after a joint and mooning about the lack of sex.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 15/11/2018 12:53

I never fail to be astounded by these men who think having a baby (let alone two of them!) won't change their lives. As many others have said, he doesn’t have PTSD, he’s a massive prick.

pissedonatrain · 15/11/2018 13:12

Seems a lot of these "men" like the idea of having children but not the reality or responsibility. They believe it's the wifes job, not his.

He definitely can get up and do some other things to contribute.

Original poster
LipstickTraces · 15/11/2018 14:09

Just had it out with him about this morning and apparently it’s my fault because I told him he didn’t have to get up. I told him he didn’t have to get up at 7am. Please tell me if you would interpret that as “don’t get up until the last minute” because I feel like I’m losing my mind!

Apparently it’s also my fault that he isn’t getting up at night because I don’t wake him and I’m doing it to prove a point. No, I’m doing it because it takes you ten minutes to wake up and our baby is screaming by then.

I’ve told him I wish he would leave, but he says he has nowhere to go.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 15/11/2018 14:12

He's in defence mode, leave it there for now, hopefully once you both calm down he will realise how pathetic he has been and is sounding; if not, seriously I'd not want to carry on living like that; does he want you to mother him too as well as two same aged babies?

Just don't get it how he can like in his kip knowing you are down stairs juggling it all, a dog, a cat, and two babies.

Having said that, if he is used to you doing it all he thinks it should carry on, never mind the fact you are fucken exhausted from nursing two babies.

Original poster
LipstickTraces · 15/11/2018 14:14

He usually does realise until the next time. He told me I’m spoiled and ungratefulConfused we live in a HA house and bar a couple of nursing dresses I’ve bought nothing for myself in six months.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 15/11/2018 14:16

Dear god he is sounding worse in every post OP, you sound the least spoiled and ungrateful person going by your thread; is he self projecting there, sounds like it.

When you are both calm and pals again get that bloody rota up and running.

Maybe be nice if HE bought you something.

Holdingonbarely · 15/11/2018 14:20

Is he six?? Why does he need to tell him what to do.
Fucking twat

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