Does DH have post natal depression?

[LipstickTraces]

We have 12 week old twins. They were premature and spent five weeks in NICU. They are ivf babies. I spent three years trying to get pregnant and we eventually went abroad for private treatment. I’d pretty much thought I would never be a mother and to have two babies feels like a miracle!

DH keeps telling me he feels sad. I really don’t know what to do. Tonight we’ve had a conversation where he’s told me how hard he’s finding it having the babies, that they take up all our time and he feels unhappy. He says he really loves them but is finding it relentless and he’s stressed. He keeps asking me if he can smoke a joint to relax. We agreed before babies were born that that was not going to happen ever once they were here. I’m really upset that he’s gone back on his word and keeps asking me. I also know he’s sexually frustrated. We’ve only had sex once since babies were born but I didn’t really enjoy it. I’ve told him we will have sex again, but right now my body needs to heal. I’m sick of hearing him say how much he misses sex with me. It makes me feel like a shit wife and also annoyed that he can’t just have a wank and stfu for now!

He has a GP appointment next week. I’m hoping they will be able to help. I just feel so flat. I’m so happy to finally have my babies and I (perhaps selfishly) feel like his behaviour is ruining everything. AIBU? I really feel he might have PND. My HV said that men can suffer from it too.

So many of these selfish, entitled men talked about on here. It's depressing what some women will put with. At least you know it isn't right, OP. You are basically a single parent atm.

right, lets pretend he's an idiot and doesn't have to ability to see what he needs to do (or not pretend )

i would start by stating what you want him to do, wake him in the morning to let the dog out/feed while your feeding babies.

Give him the bottle fed baby whenever you can to feed

Tell him he needs to clean up the dishes while you dress babies

Tell him he needs to get his sorry arse down stairs and look after both babies while your getting ready

Really, tell him exactly what you want from him, demand it even and then at least he can't come back and say he though you had it covered. And then hopefully, in time, he'll start just doing things on his own/becuase he realises he should etc... As if he moans about it, ask him what he would have you do then???? And wait for his response.

And i also do think he's got to the stage of really wanting to have a smoke and just chill out, but unfortunately those days are gone and he just needs to realise that.

He may not be, but I'm in awe of you!! I once went super petty and listed all of the things I do in minute detail, work/home stuff/kids. I was expecting some sort of argument but he actually was really nice about it. Could you try that? If you're doing the majority of the night stuff surely he should be getting up to do the animals? Or perhaps you could give him the option, night shift or animals in the morning. If he actually says, "na, you do both" then tell him to do one, you're basically on your own anyway.

I’ve told him what I’d like him to do! I’ve lost count if the number of times I’ve asked him to get up earlier. The reason
I now put the babies in the bed with him is because it’s clearly never going to happen so I may as well get him to watch them while he’s lying there!

He told me earlier
When we were arguing that
I don’t do anything anyway! He’s been in bed for last two hours because he’s working a night shift tonight. My DM was supposed to come and help me with the babies but she hasn’t. I’ll be alone all night with them and he’ll come in tomorrow and go to bed. I feel like taking my babies and fucking off to a hotel for the weekend. I think I would if we weren’t broke.

He said you don’t do anything anyway!
Jesus

I didn’t do anything this morning before he got up apparently. Not sure who he things fed the pets and dressed his children!

He is unreal but you are angry and rightly so. When calm again sit down and get a rota up he can’t argue with that but he can with you and why should you have to keep asking him to do the basics, it must be exhausting.

I don’t understand his argument.

He doesn't have postnatal depression!!!
He is being a complete selfish prick because his wants can't be met, tough crap, you are a new mother and are entitled to wait until you are ready for sex and to want less of it during this time of your life. He wants sex and a joint, oh woh is me!!!
You would think he would be so happy he's finally a father 🙄

I think his argument is that I’m unreasonable
and spoiled for asking for more than he’s giving. He was annoyed I asked him to take the dog a walk before he went to bed before work earlier. I was trying to get some housework done while the babies were asleep.

I feel so pissed of that I have to even ask (and risk an annoyed response) it’s not as if the dog doesn’t need walking and I can’t manage on my own with the double buggy and dog, she walks under the wheels!

Oh and we’ve had a rota in the past before the babies. It worked, but I was the one putting it together every week so it just became an other task I had to do.

He is projecting! I cannot believe he could lay in bed for over 2 hours whilst you did everything for 2 babies, a dog and a cat. He is the selfish and spoilt one! He is massively entitled. You are a superwoman.

Can you kick him out? Would life actually be easier without him around dragging his heels?

He’s an absolute bastard, can’t believe he expects you to walk a dog with a double buggy. The Rota can stay the same every week stop giving him a get out clause.

If you do nothing then this is you life and future.

Personally I’d have separated from him by now.

Not depressed. Selfish and immature. Sorry!

I am speechless at this thread and your man's stupidity . You can't argue with stupid . When are you going back to work ? Have you any plans for childcare yet?

@AssassinatedBeauty (fellow Manics fan by any chance?😊) in the heat of arguing I’ve told him to go, but he says he has nowhere to go too. We relocated in June and his family are 300 miles away.

He didn’t so much expect me to walk the dog with the buggy as just not even think about how the dog was going to get walked.

I don’t have a job to go back too as we relocated. I’m not planning on going back until the babies are a year. I don’t want to leave them.

Childcare wise it would be a mixture of nursery and my parents when the time comes.

@LipstickTraces yes,well spotted, nice to see another Manics fan

Is there any way you could get him to plan how to move out? He could look at somewhere to rent on his own. Or would it be too easy for him just not to do it, and end up staying put even though you don't want him around!

I would stop doing anything at all that you might be doing for him (washing, cooking etc), let him look after himself at least.

I don’t really want him to move out. I just say it when I’m angry. I want him to sort himself out and atm it just Isn’t happening. He makes me feel so upset these days and I don’t even know how it got like this. It happens in every relationship I have. I just want to make things work ffs and I’m not even asking for a lot!

I don’t wash his clothes We have separate laundry baskets. I spent too much time watching my mam have a nervous breakdown over other people’s washing for that shit. As for cooking... we never have time to cook now. I’m surprised I haven’t died of malnutrition since the twins arrived!

You can't make him or persuade him to change if he doesn't want to. If he's comfortable with how things are then he isn't going to want to change them. I am quite cross for you that you don't have an equal partner that takes care of you.

Aww OP you need to get on top of this now. A new baby is hard work, let alone two.

We had a similar story, lots of IVF etc. Eventually had DC1 and H did nothing at all. More IVF and DC2 arrived just over 2 years later. H has never done anything for either of them. He is totally selfish & I think he didn’t enjoy my attention being taken away from him. Now I’m 4 years in to this and hugely resent him all the time & will probably end up leaving.

You need to get him to up his game, you have two very precious, much wanted babies. Or he needs to work more & provide household help for you.

Good luck OP & enjoy every moment with those babies

Makes me think what a saint my dad was, 4 kids then she had twins in her forties, my dad worked like a trojan and then went home and pitched in with the kids, all 6 of them!

These guys are just inherently selfish and I blame their own mums for not teaching them how to treat women equally and with respect; I'd suspect these men are selfish in other areas of life and in relationships.

No shame in going it along these days and kicking these men child to the kerb.

I went out with a stoner once. He couldn’t get his arse out of bed in the morning either.

Bit about cannabis withdrawal here: triora.uk/addiction/cannabis-addiction/cannabis-withdrawal-symptoms

I think really to have any hope of a relationship that is going to work he needs to understand that things are different when you have kids. Drugs of any sort & kids aren’t the best mix because they need to rely on the adults around them and need to come before his need for a joint.

Is he likely to understand that he needs to change? If he does and initiates that things may well improve rapidly. I don’t think you can impose that sort of change on someone though - it’s more exhausting that just doungbit yourself (& resenting every second).

Oh honey . I know what it’s like minus the twins. I also thought my dh would pack it in and step up when we had kids. He didn’t....

I genuinely don’t know why they think it’s acceptable to lie in of a morning and then expect a shag! I don’t ask him for help in the mornings anymore as if he does get up he still needs 20 mins to actually get him self together having a cig outside alone. By which time I’ve usually sorted things out.