Is she a friend?

[Shepcpot]

Ok, so I met a school mum some years back now (around 6years). Throughout the years we've had various trips with the kids, days out and walks/lunch etc on our own.
I'm a single parent, divorced, own home, solvent and generally content with the life I've build for myself and my kids.
She is unhappy in her marriage and has been since I met her. I've listened, supported, tried to give advice, given practical solutions, discussed, debated, she's turned up at my house in tears. You get the picture.
In this time, I've gradually grown so to speak.
I'd like your opinions here. When we meet now, I generally feel anxious. I don't feel I can share any achievements or anything good about my life as it is dismissed, actually to the point where she will look away or change the subject. Then it's back to her. I'm a very strong person, am doing well at work and manage my life generally just fine (I'm not saying it's easy) but I feel like everything is a comparison and come away feeling anxious and around an inch high. Is this me? I'm I being too sensitive here, or is she in such a place she doesn't realise what she is doing or the affect it has. I've always been there, however I'm wondering if I should move on. Why should I feel this way?

She doesn't care about you or what your doing, she wants you to care about her and her life only, everything has to be about her.

What do you get out of this friendship ? sounds like you get nothing but insecurities anxieties and criticisms.

Distance yourself and surround yourself with people worthy of your time.

Thanks for your reply. I really thought more of her. I've been really patient but I've just about had enough. Friends should pick you up, she makes me anxious and I lose my confidence around her. Why though does she ask to meet? I'm finding her very bitchy about other mum's and my trust is waivering.

Sounds a very one sided friendship on her part. A true friend would be happy when life is good for you, given you have clearly had your troubles too with going through divorce. Sounds like you were kind when she needed it. You should feel free to say whats happening in your life and share successes without her making you feel small. I agree get some new friends worthy of you. I had a friend a bit like that, she was a bit “lets talk about you, what do you think of me” i dont see her any more!

Well she doesn’t sound like much of a friend from what you’ve said. You say you’ve been patient; do you ever enjoy your time with her? I guess friendships work to different dynamics but she just sounds like a drain,

I now find when we meet, it's along with other chores she must do.. we meet in town, she goes to the bank, or takes something back for a refund or spends ages talking to someone and I'm stood there and feel like a teenager
I'm working a lot of hours at the moment and she is always late. I don't feel she respects my time. I'm losing trust and if she talks about me the way she talks about some people then I'd be very upset. Am I a sounding board or what?

She's taking the PISS OP

Yes BB I'm beginning to feel that way.
I'm not a confrontational type, I generally get on with things, try to see the good in people and be respectful. However she just makes me nervous and uncomfortable.. is she doing this on purpose?

She sounds like a mum I knew who I thought was a friend. I realised (after a Long time) that she was always bitchy about others and in fact always looked like she was chewing a wasp.

She did the same thing about trailing me around like a puppy too, also always late. In fact I really wonder if it is the same person! The last time I saw her she talked endlessly about herself (and her pretend life), didn't show the slightest interest in me, and asked me to answer her phone and say I was her secretary .

I had had enough, and took a huge step back, to the point I never really saw her again. Since then loads of people have commented that she was a complete narcissist. I never saw it until afterwards, but then I generally take people at face value.

If your friend is anything like my former one, she probably secretly hates the fact that you seem happy, and her power plays are to try to belittle you so she feels better about herself.

I'd take a step back and be busy.

Btw you sound lovely and sorted.

BS.. I wouldn't really talk to others about it in RL.. mn is my outlet here. She really bigs herself up, talks endlessly about herself but doesn't ask anything about me or it seems reluctantly at times. I feel it a drain, exhausting and like I'm a sounding board before she goes off back into the situation without doing anything about it - until the next time.
She had a-face of thunder today and I was relaxed until I saw her. Maybe it is the same person when you did step back, what happened? did she come back, ask why?

I’ve had exactly the same experience with a school mum friend. I’ve come to the conclusion that those type of relationships aren’t true friends and I’ve taken a massive step back. I rarely see her now and my life is so much happier and more relaxed.

I'm losing trust. Have always given the benefit of the doubt. I think the unhappy situation she is in, is making her the way she is. She used to be a lot better. I didn't kind supporting her and being there for her and have gone out of my way to help. But for it now to be directed back at me and undermining me/questioning me and all the while making comparisons to something I innocently mention. It's exhausting, doesn't feel mutual or equal and I think I'm out.

There's loads of reasons to why she acts the way she does people can only make the best guesstimate (Don't know if I spelt that correctly but it's all good) I would ask her because no one will know what's going on in her head except her.

That's true mother196. Unfortunately I don't feel comfortable with that confrontation. I don't see her as often anymore, but I'm now feeling quite angry about the recent meet up and how it has made me feel I really don't want to feel that way. I'm very assertive at work however find personal relationships harder. Probably from scewed boundaries with my mother. I'm starting to question myself, however I'm sure it's not me

She's an emotional vampire:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/the-5-types-emotional-vampires-in-your-life

If you don't want confrontation, either be busy when she asks for a catch up, or leave if/when she's late. Does she have many other friends? Usually people like this don't because no one can put up with their crap. You get no enjoyment from the friendship, and worse still, feel worse for seeing her, so it's time to move on.

Weezol, you have nailed it there. It describes a lot of her behaviours.
She talks about her other friends but I don't know how much time she spends with them, what I do know is I'm a go to when she's particularly upset. Probably because she knows she can trust me. The lateness really does take the piss and it's not just a one off. It is ALL the time. I have been with her other her other friends some years ago who also mentioned this, so she clear It does it to other people. I find it disrespectful. Does she not realise other people have lives? I'm not talking 10 mins late. I'm taking half an hour, an hour and once 2 hours!! We've always bought birthday presents etc I feel awkward now

You can do without friends like these. I get the impression she doesn't even like you (and vice-versa?). What's the point?

Be very very busy for the rest of this year.

She has been loyal in lots of ways and generally is a good person...used to be supportive. Perhaps her marriage problems are making her this way. I've been so patient however there is no call to start making digs at me and comparisons. As I said generally get on, it's been hard but I've have made an ok life for myself. I don't think a true friend would make digs or slip things into conversation. I don't have time or energy for it. She would I believe become confrontational. I do wish I was more assertive but I can't be bothered

OP in my case I just had an utterly bizarre encounter with my 'friend' which made me realise she was a nutjob. I've only mentioned half of what went on in my previous post.

Anyway, when she started on about how unpleasant my DD was, I thanked her for bringing her concerns to my attention, then just smiled and said it had been lovely catching up. I just never contacted her again. She made a number of attempts to see me, with some very persistent phone ringing and turning up on my doorstep. I was always just evasive and pleasant, and I think it soon became clear the friendship was over. It was awkward at the school gates, but I just made sure I was always busy talking to others or on my phone.

On reflection, she was a nasty piece of work, who would try to drive a wedge between me & my DH through making snide comments.

Honestly, if your friend makes you feel like this, just stop contacting her and always be busy. I'm sure there are loads of people like this, but out of interest does her first name begin with L?

Just out of pure interest @berylstreep why didn’t you just tell her (especially when she doorstepped you ) “sorry but our friendship is over because what you said about my DD”

Sounds very one sided, and trouble is with friendship we should be able to share our own things too, happy or sad without fear we will be dismissed.
I would knock her on the head and see her gradually less and less until the time comes you don't see eachother at all. I had a friend like this and after many a time of listening to her troubles, when it came to me having a difficult time she didn't want to listen as it was too negative for her to listen too. In the end I realised she just drained me of energy and it was so one sided I decided to call it a day as nothing good was coming from it.

BS, it is bizarre why she would go out of her way to be like this. I do think since my divorce I am learning about relationships in all senses. I feel like I'm moving on and I'm also changing as a person. I do feel I'm being walked over a little here. She describes what happens with her husband and isn't afraid to speak up with anyone. I'm a quieter type. No doesn't begin with L . It has thrown me today and I've felt quite upset. I've wasted precious time off work To be used as a sounding board.

I do think since my divorce I am learning about relationships in all senses

This is bang on the money @shepcpot

It really does open your eyes and boosts your ability to reduce the amount of shit you’ll put up with from anyone.

Another thing. I got into deep and meaningful discussion with her regarding options and feelings and at the end summed it up with laughter and 'maybe I am going crazy'. I know it is hard decided on a way forward in a difficult marriage but I really did feel like the whole conversation was minimilised and dismissed after she got it off her chest. Bearing in mind perhaps initially but this has been going on 6 years!!!