Is she a friend?

[Shepcpot]

Ok, so I met a school mum some years back now (around 6years). Throughout the years we've had various trips with the kids, days out and walks/lunch etc on our own.
I'm a single parent, divorced, own home, solvent and generally content with the life I've build for myself and my kids.
She is unhappy in her marriage and has been since I met her. I've listened, supported, tried to give advice, given practical solutions, discussed, debated, she's turned up at my house in tears. You get the picture.
In this time, I've gradually grown so to speak.
I'd like your opinions here. When we meet now, I generally feel anxious. I don't feel I can share any achievements or anything good about my life as it is dismissed, actually to the point where she will look away or change the subject. Then it's back to her. I'm a very strong person, am doing well at work and manage my life generally just fine (I'm not saying it's easy) but I feel like everything is a comparison and come away feeling anxious and around an inch high. Is this me? I'm I being too sensitive here, or is she in such a place she doesn't realise what she is doing or the affect it has. I've always been there, however I'm wondering if I should move on. Why should I feel this way?

She sounds quite toxic. I have a neighbour who was ridiculously demanding of time, attention, energy, lots of weirdly persistent phone calls and notes through the door, always trying to waylay you no matter what you were doing. All overlayed with personal remarks, sneering sniggering, casual insults interspersed in conversation. I don't know how she though anyone would spend time with her when she was so persistently obnoxious.
After one note too many though my door, I reciprocated. Asked her to respect my privacy and to stop insisting I spend time with her. It took some nerve from me finally to lay down my boundaries, but what a relief that I have. Friendships shouldn't leave you feeling drained, upset, insulted.

mid. Oh I've not had anything like that kind of experience. Would hate that! I'm a private person. She does understand boundaries I know that. She knows my insecurities as I've been at vulnerable points with her. On the most recent meeting I feel that was used against me and it felt like I'd been stabbed. Why do that? that is plain nasty. I can't think of anything that I've done other than get on with my life and been quite successful in some respects. I think she is quite judgemental and can't face the fact of potentially being a single mother (like myself). Yet she is referring to the single mothers like I am not sitting there, judging benefits etc. I get NO benefits as I'm on a relatively good salary.

Mid. That must have been nerve wracking. I'm not good in such confrontations as I'd probably end up the upset one. I shake and generally feel uncomfortable

PaulHollywood I didn't confront her because I thought she would thrive on the drama, and there were also other parents at the school to consider. I didn't want a whole drama llama issue at the school gates. I'm quite sure that she bitched endlessly about me anyway, as she did about everyone else, but I didn't want to give any easy ammo.

I found out soon after that her DD had been insidiously bullying my DD for quite some time, and I hadn't even been aware of it . I suppose the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Anyway OP I'm sure you feel quite discombobulated, but try to put her out of your mind now that you have seen her for what she is.

People can be radiators or drains.

Find radiators to hang out with - ditch the drains.

Just fade on this one - she’s a bitch and will bitch about you as she bitches about others. She is in a rut and needs to put others down to keep helpself afloat.

Givers need to set the boundaries and standards as takers never do.

You have done well turning your life around - she doesn’t like this.

Don’t waste time trying to figure her out - just fade away v quickly and decisively!

I'd never met anyone like her before either. She had recently moved country and I tried to be patient and give her the benefit of the doubt but over time I realised just how poisonous she was. I also felt she couldn't be trusted, that if I disclosed anything to her she'd use it against me. I don't know why people do that. A mixture of malice and power? I do know that it is horrible and quite abusive.

I had to be blunt because she is utterly tone deaf and won't/can't read between the lines. If I was you I'd gradually separate yourself from her, be busy, always be busy. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. I would like to know if/where I've gone wrong if I have. But not in a passive aggressive way where rather than speak nicely make digs to have a go and pull me down. It worked! I felt really upset and felt it unfair. She must be deeply unhappy. I didn't respond to other bitciness. I'm working more than full time hours at the moment. I'm not even at the school gate or get involved much with the school mum's. I know she is very involved and I feel a little threatened.

I think you're a convenient support system for her, who inconveniences her by talking about yourself.
I think she makes herself feel better by putting you down.
I think you've given her enough and she doesn't add to your life

Yes I haven't thought about it in that way. I've thought by being there I was supporting her as a friend. Haven't much thought about myself. I've been a fool without realising. All we talked about was her. Her dismissal of anything I said made me anxious. I don't see her often anyway but we have always remembered birthdays and Christmas so not sure how to approach that.

Never listen to the words or bother to try to understand the actions of these game playing people - just note YOUR feelings - listen to your gut and swiftly swerve people who make you feel uncomfortable, drained, unnerved etc.

Thank you another20. I'm learning. time to move on. Wow what a journey it is. :)

Don't get tied up in the whys and wherefores - just back away.

I agree, the whys and wherefores don't matter. All that matters is that you aren't getting anything out of the friendship any more.

As you don't want confrontation, I would second the advice about being busy and leaving if she's ever more than, say, ten minutes late for you, followed by a text along the lines of "It's ten past, can't wait for you any longer, see you another time" (note the absence of the word sorry!!).

The summary paragraph from the Emotional Vampires link reads:

“To improve your relationships and increase your energy level, I suggest taking an inventory of people who give you energy and those that drain you. Try to spend time with the loving, nurturing people, and learn to set limits with those who drain you. This will enhance the quality of your life.”

All you need to know!

You are meant to be her silent soundboard; someone that she can emotionally offload onto.

You feel anxious because you know, deep down, that she doesn't give a flying flute about your life.

Step away. This isn't a friendship.

I've got a friend like this who I don't see much in person anymore because I've moved away, but I'm still her daily (yep daily) sounding board on Facebook messenger.

Our entire conversation thread is about her marriage, a weekly run down of their progress TTC, her husbands ex wife who she particularly enjoys moaning about, her annoyance at DSS behaviour, work problems, health problems, family drama, her weight loss journey etc. I've tried to interject some interesting events in my life and what's going on with me lately but overall she only ever wants to talk about herself.

I've owned my allocated role for months now and happily leant a caring ear when she wanted to have the odd rant but now she's come to abuse that and wants to rant to me about every minor inconvenience in life, so much so I've lied and said I've taken up some new hobbies to justify me being rushed off my feed and not being able to respond as much.

I'm like you I hate confrontation.

I could not deal with her in person on a regular basis, oh jesus the thought...

Hocusy have you suggested to your friend that she join MN? Basically that is a list of the most popular threads.

You are in fact her very own MNHQ.

Well I guess I don't have to make any excuses as I AM busy. This is why when I do have a day off work I really value them. She doesn't work so maybe can't appreciate that if she is 1 hour late that is a quarter of the window of time I have free.
Fundamentally, do this mean she doesn't respect me?

You're very convenient
But hell would freeze over before I waited for someone twice

I've gone along with it for years. Just been there. I think this is a problem with my own self esteem isn't it? putting up with this crap.
good on you woolduvet. The one time I was to meet her at an event and she was 2.5 hours late. I don't know why I didn't say anything. As someone said upthread- she's taking the piss

Take back the power!!

OP you're simply a kind generous decent person, sadly there are people who suck the life out of nice people like you.

On the most recent meeting I feel that was used against me and it felt like I'd been stabbed. Why do that

Simple. Fuel. She's a narc. Middle ranger. I'll bet you any oney she's a master at PA behaviours?

PP questioned why @BerylStreep she did not confront. BS did absolutely the right thing - avoid the drama or to put it another way, to stop her feeding on her as she was pulled to task.

It's hard OP, I know. When we want and need support the most to walk away from something which is only a perceived support. But it is a fantasy and she is not deserving of your kindness.

Renarde- yes for PA behaviours.
I'm having such a huge lightbulb moment and thinking about past and current relationships. My mother is a narc. I'm coming out of the fog. This stuff is scary.
I'm feeling quite confused. I just don't get it. Why she would spend time with me then year me that way. I thought she was a friend but I've been used.

@renarde1975 @berylstreep

I think you are both made of more refined stuff than me. When I’ve had to deal with these insufferable types before I’ve given a politely delivered both barrels before pulling up the drawbridge.

for me, it is the only way to avoid (IME) pissing about with trying to avoid these types and let them know what’s what to essentially get rid once and for all.

However my children are 2 and 1. The world of the school gates is different I know. X