Narcissist husband

[crispinquent]

Can anyone who has been married to a narcissist describe their behavior. I am trying to determine if that is what i am married to.

Well, they are always right, talk over you, control every aspect of your life and run you down to name but a few.
Or they could just be an abusive bastard.

I am married to one

He is never wrong, his opinion is fact. If something doesn't go his way then everyone in the world is conspiring against him. He is incredibly selfish and self obsessed. His needs and wants are the most important. He has no empathy whatsoever. He has to feel like he is the top of the food chain so to speak, everyone must bow down to him and give him the respect he deserves.

As a result of the above I feel like I am always spinning plates trying to keep everything perfect so he's happy. I feel like I e turned into a pathetic people pleaser rushing around bowing down to him even though I get nothing back in return. I don't get sympathy if something is hard in my life, he would never think to do nice things to make my life nicer and if I do assert my opinion I never hear the end of it. Sometimes he lets me get my own choices and I can tell he's hoping and praying they fail just so he can go on about how he was right

A reasonably straight forward way is to say No to a narcisstic person and that will cause their rage.
They are usually charming and display Jekyll & Hyde personalities. Most intimate partners see the angry side but others only see the charming superficial exterior.

Many people can display narcisstic traits (we can all be bratish at times) but if their behaviour impairs all relationships then could be classified as a disorder.

Most therapists agree NPD cannot be changed aa it requires empathy, insight and compassion which Narcisstic individuals do not possess.

The cause is not yet know, it it genetic or learned??

@ems137 - I feel your pain. I divorced a narcissist (many years ago now) and at the time, I didn't realise or even know what a narcissist was. The only word I knew to describe him was psychopath. All this was hidden until after we were married. It was a living hell. He tried to destroy me. However, I became an expert in traversing the narc world, and it took me 2 years of planning to escape from it without putting myself in mortal danger.

@crispin - If you feel like you're living your life walking on eggshells, that's a pretty good indicator.

People always appear to presume someone is narcissistic (as did i) but the other thing to consider is if he has a personality disorder. Personality disorders are relatively common and are caused by childhood trauma up to something like 12% of the population have one but are not diagnoses. I thought my stbxh was a narcissist but i now think hes bpd, which can incorporate high narcissistic tenancies. There are several personality disorders and someone who has one can flick in and out of other personality disorders and often experience other mental health issues such as anxiety.

Is he also very unreasonable? i litually can not communicate with my stbxh on any matter!! i now dont bother and only communicate regarding the children when 100% necessary. He also twists and turns any scenario to suite his agenda, i think this is also a big indicator of a personality disorder.

Spouse born into severe poverty, as were his parents. Mother would leave familu bc of stress and these r his earliest memories of women. Fast forward two kids and moved to his familys area bc of his job and to try something new. Hes happy as larry like a kid again near his family and im fuckingg miserable. His parents r both nasty but help out w kids so if they r cunts theyre at least my cunts. But i cannot relax around them ever.

Here are just a few thoughts based on my experiences.

I believe it's true that everyone has Narcisstic qualities the difference between a NPD sufferer and one who isn't is the lack of affective empathy. Some have cognitive empathy but they don't feel emotion in the same way.

Another marker is how well under control their inner fury is. I do mean fury as opposed to anger.

I think we need a bit more to go on though as whilst Narcs can behave in astonishingly similar ways, some prefer certain types of manipulations over others.

Spouse is in mkting biz has high executive skills and ability to cut off all emotion. Then at home he is weak as a child around his kids bc of his nasty childhood. So he rarely puts them in their place.

Ahh just seen your post OP.

There's nothing there yet yo be sure.

I'm not sure the poverty is relevant unless it falls into neglect at some level.

He absolutely has rage. Lots of fist clenching, poor emotional regulation. Im just worn out. We have such a poor sex life bc he walks around like a man child in the house. Literally reverts to the way he walked as a child.

He was always fed and cared for despite poverty. Workaholic thing , leads to loneliness for me and kids when hes away but I guess that is something i must deal with constructively as he refuses to slow down his work.

He is acutely aware of public treatment. I am a sarcastic person and any jokes of this sort in public he takes extremely badly.

I think some of this is me becoming aware of my own dysfunctional family and how shittily it prepared me for the real world.

@Renarde interested in PP same question

Answer on control is yes and no depending on if they are aware that they suffer from NPD. Most aren't aware and will never become aware because even if you were to them, they would always have a reason why it wasn't so.

That being said, a minority can be told and then it all clicks for them. A self-aware one would be perfectly capable of masking their fury and unleashing it at a moment of their own choosing.

It's the author H G Tudor's assertion that there are three types of narcissist; the lesser, the middle ranger and the greater. The first two are always unaware. A lesser for example would see zero issue with loosing it in public. Due to their lower cognitive function, they would always perceive it as someone else's fault. Certainly not theirs so 'You made me do it' would be a frequent response to any perceived criticism on their behaviour. Igniting a lessers fury is a really dangerous move.

A middle ranger is more likely to deploy PA behaviours in both public and private but is equally capable of throwing things, breaking things etc (my own F did this a lot) and certainly doling out both the absent and present silent treatments.

Greaters are far harder to spot due to their increased cognitive function as they are able to hold onto their fury for longer and hide it very well. Although I do believe I have witnessed greaters loosing it but it is rare.

A work colleague higher likened my spouse to one of the krays. We all know what happened to the wife of the straight kray.

Agree with what a pp said about bpd. I think this is more likely statistically.

Well OP, you raise an interesting point about the Krays.... were they self aware? I'm not sure. I think Ron almost certainly was but Reg; just not sure. For certain, he was his own brother's interpretor. The more mild mannered brother. The reasonable one. But equally being able to be 'reasonable' is a quality that middles and greaters both possess in abundance because whilst simultaneously possessing The Fury, they can control it to an extent. That extent depends on the school and the sub schools. Victim, Cerebral, Somalist or the Elites.

In your case OP and forgive me. You DO appreciate that your own messages start off in typical MN fashion before desescending to text speak and then finally becoming extremely eloquent?

What are your thoughts on this?

Was using text speak to fit a long story in a short space.

@renarde are you implying rapid cycling bipolar? Thanks but no

Whoa there! Way to put words in my mouth! I have not hinted or intimated anything of the sort. Merely questioning use of syntax and inflection.

I didnt know my posting style mattered

I think narcissism can display in a range of different ways depending on the person and their severity (it is a spectrum), just like depression can display hugely different symptoms depending on the person it's affecting. Main points I'd say would be: thinking they are above the rules that other people have to follow e.g. will control you to the point you can't even speak to another male yet they'll gladly maintain romantic affairs with several other woman with no guilt whatsoever. Also, usually if you look past their sweet fake words, they usually have a distinct lack of empathy and to a certain extent despise anyone who serves them no function. Due to not having object constancy, they can go from absolutely adoring someone (i.e. love bomb) to despising them within even an hour (very black and white thinking, no grey area)