Might as well be a single mom 🤷🏼‍♀️

[xxjeaxx]

So here we are two weeks after giving birth to my second... and he’s not involved at all.

He’s not done a single feed, changed a single nappy, doesn’t look after new born on his own, I’m still ensuring the house work is done every day, both dogs are walked twice a day, dinner cooked every evening, taking 5 year old to school and picking him up. I’m basically doing everything without his help... I don’t even see the point of been here because it’s not like he’s helping. When I’m stressed and want a 10 minute free time he’s no where to be seen. Unfortunately he owns this house, the one with the income, I have no family and hardly any friends. I want to leave but feel trapped because I have no money and no where to go. 😩

Have you talked to him and asked him to take responsibility for some tasks?

If you have talked and he's still refusing to do anything, you might want to stop doing things for him. You can't exactly abandon the dcs, but you don't have to cook his dinner, wash his clothes etc.

I wouldn't leap straight to LTB at this point, when you've got a newborn. There is a lot of tiredness and resentment at this point,, but as time goes on, you might be able to get to a point where you're sharing the workload more fairly.

what was he like before the baby with your older child?

What was he like before you had your newborn?

Sorry, cross post there!

I’ve talked, I’ve cried, I’ve shouted. He’s still no where to be seen. 😭 He’s currently still in bed because he’s as he said ‘knackered’ 🤦🏼‍♀️ Every evening it’s the same old ‘oh I’ll do a night feed tonight or I’ll take eldest to breakfast club’ yet I’m still waiting for this to happen.

He isn’t my eldest biological father, and we’ve only been living together since July so I was always doing everything anyways. Been together 3 years but I guess you only truly know someone once your living with them. 🤷🏼‍♀️

is he depressed op? Feeling constantly tired if he's sleeping all the time is a sign of depression. It sounds miserable for you - anybody else you can go to like family that can back you up?

He’s knackered because he doesn’t go to bed until 3-4am as he’s sitting on the Xbox 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️ Or he’s out with ‘the lads’ personally to me that doesn’t sound like depression... although I’ve never suffer with it so I could be wrong. I don’t have any family, and only know a few people but there more associates rather than friends. I’m so fed up of it tbh. 🙁

no, it doesn't. Mine used to be in bed and actually asleep for 12 hours a night when we had a second baby, he wasn't staying up gaming. Have you talked to your HV? I'm sorry you don't have anyone else, it might be a good idea to let the HV know you've got no support in case there is anything they can help with.

Subtly break the Xbox, I think lots of men are in shock when they become dads. Mine didn't help but he was in the middle of a very complicated and stressful case at work when DD was born.

When he says he will do a night feed and the baby wakes, wake him up and say "you said you were doing the feed". I do that to my partner all the time. And what you just described is my partner! I'm a glorified slave.... we have had it out, I told him my life would be easier without him because it's one less person to look after. He bucked up his ideas a little bit, let's me have a least one lie in... regards to cleaning and washing and cooking I still do it all.... some men are shit xx

This might sound a bit manipulative OP but is there anyone in his family you can get to talk him through what he is supposed to do eg his dad, a brother? You're an experienced parent but he is not and is clearly in denial.

That said, you say you want to leave and I can totally understand why. For now you need to focus on getting through each day and nurturing your newborn and older child, but in a few weeks it may be worth seriously contemplating your future again.

The HV asked about what support I have and they know I have no family and just mentioned about baby groups in the area. Xx

i agree with DogDay - does he also have no family or friends that you could ask for help and try and get to talk to him?

@DogDayMorning In the 3 years we’ve been together I’ve only ever met his mum, and younger sisters. 🤷🏼‍♀️ His family seem very ‘distant’ if that’s the correct word. I’ve never asked questions but clearly something has gone on in the past with him and his family.

He’s got a lot of friends though, and a very strong friendship group... he’s only 22 so a lot of his mates don’t have kids, but I guess I could speak to his best friends and see if he’s said anything to them, or if they could ask how he’s getting on been a dad... I guess i’ll know if he’s finding it difficult been a Dad then. Xx

I can see why you want to leave him. He is really no partner to you nor father to his youngest child (did you give this child your surname?). BTW how does he get along with your eldest child?. You are carrying all the mental load here and will in all likelihood continue to do so.

You state it is his house; what is the exact situation here re his property?.

How old are you OP if this manchild is a mere 22 years of age and playing at being a dad?. He in all likelihood thinks the reality of being a dad is far too difficult for him so has really checked out retreating instead into the xbox and his friends.

And something has gone on re him and his family of origin.

Where do you see yourself in say 6months time, still with this man?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Youngest isn’t even registered yet 🤦🏼‍♀️ I haven’t had chance.

Regards to my eldest he gets a long with him brilliantly but it’s more like a uncle figure if that makes sense? He’ll take my son out on his bike for two hours, treat him to lots of goodies, and then comes back expects a medal and then doesn’t bother with him for the rest of the week 🤦🏼‍♀️

The property is his, he pays rent on it, everything is in his name. Xx

i take it baby wasnt planned? where was you living befote moving in with him?

This is who he is OP; he is not in all likelihood going to wake up one day and have an epiphany.

You have a choice re this man; you can carry on and further slave away for him or you make a life for yourself and your children without him in it day to day.

he's got a mum and sisters that presumably could be a great support network and they're not helping at all? There is some back story but you're not sure what? Why haven't you asked Op, surely you want to know whether there is reason not to trust them or it's some minor stuff?

If there's no reason not to trust them, I'd say you've got a supportive pool there and you should be accessing that.

Stop doing his work. Just look after the kids and yourself. Don't do his things like an extra child.

What happens when you demand things?

AttilaTheMeerkat I’m also 22.

In six months time I want to be back at work & uni, saving towards holidays abroad again, enjoying been a mom to two. Either with him or without him I currently couldn’t care if I stayed or left tbh. I want to do what’s best for me and the kids.

Would register your youngest with your surname rather than his. This 22 year old does not seem all that bothered with your eldest either. He is a Disney step-parent and a rubbish example of one at that. He is ill equipped to be a partner to you and father to his youngest let alone being a stepfather to your eldest.

What happened to you; how is it that you got here at all?.

Have you ever talked to his mum or his sisters? You know he’s a wastrel, but they could potentially be ok, and his mum is the baby’s granny?