Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Social Media - Am I overreacting?

44 replies

bubblebubbles · 13/11/2018 21:56

So today I find out my partner of 3 years has been liking a load of one specific girls pictures on Instagram. I asked him who the girl was and this was the story I got...

He had met her in a club a few years ago before he met me. Him, her, a few of her friends and a few of his friends all went to the casino together. Nothing happened with him/her - it was just a bunch of people, albeit they never knew each other before meeting in the club that night, having a drink together. After they left the casino that night he never seen or heard from her again until August this year when he went to a club and she was working there. He spoke to her that night, that was it. He went to the club again twice in September, she was working again, he spoke to her again but on one of the occasions said he was really drunk and said to her to follow him on Instagram - which she did and he followed her back. Since they have been ‘following’ each other he has liked every selfie/picture she has posted of herself. She’s posted other pics, pics she’s not in, and he hasn’t liked them - he’s only liked the pics of her. He said he ‘doesn’t know’ why he’s liked these specific pictures. He says ‘doesn’t know’ why he asked someone he doesn’t know and has only spoken to in a club a few times, to follow his Instagram. He doesn’t like any friends or family members pictures and told me he only has an Instagram account as there is this comedian guy on it he likes and uses Instagram to watch this guys videos.

I don’t have Instagram or Facebook as I just can’t be arsed with social media. Also, I’m 37 (so is he) so I’m not interested in posting constant pictures on Instagram.

I’m currently pregnant with our 1st child. I got really pissed off asked him to delete all social media accounts. He thinks I’m overreacting.

I feel like this is a situation a couple in their late teens/early 20’s should be in - it’s pathetic.

Am I overreacting by asking him to delete his social media accounts?

OP posts:
imnotelenor · 13/11/2018 21:57

Get rid

Original poster
bubblebubbles · 13/11/2018 22:07

Just to add - I was pregnant on the 3 occasions he met her recently.

OP posts:
Anyat212 · 13/11/2018 22:18

Firstly OP - what a shit situation to be in! I don’t think you should get rid though. I don’t think you’re over reacting about him liking every picture she’s specifically in either. It’s clear he blantanly thinks she’s attractive in some sort of way - which would piss me off straight away. I also think it’s shady he’s done this knowing you don’t have Instagram, if you did you would be able see what he’s liked - he’s aware you’re unable to see this. Has she liked all of his pics too? As that would be abit fishy and I’d be pushing if it’s more.

However, If I’m being honest I think it’s slightly over the top to ask him to close down his social media accounts. Although my OH has done similar things (mainly models on Instagram) which annoyed me I wouldn’t tell him to close his accounts down. How would you be sure he has done this if you don’t have the social media platforms yourself? Then he could be doing it secretive which is worse.

When I come across my OH liking loads of pics of models (mostly massive boobs and tats) two things funnily enough I don’t have! 🙄 I levelled with him and he actually deleted the app (not his account) from his phone. This was around 3 years and he’s recently downloaded it again and hasn’t liked any pics. (I know men look at pics like this I just don’t want my face rubbed in it as you can see on Instagram)

It’s not a nice situation for you at all tho, sending hugs 💜

Anyat212 · 13/11/2018 22:20

Sorry just your message about meeting her while you’re pregnant Hmm sounds very weird tbh! Is she friends with his crowd of friends or something? Hmm

richdeniro · 13/11/2018 22:23

Instagram has an instant messaging feature, do you know if they have been using that to message each other?

BumbleBeee69 · 13/11/2018 22:24

He's attracted to her images, and enjoys the contact albeit only on that media. Are you sure it's just Instagram that are connected on ?

sadiesnakes · 13/11/2018 22:26

He obviously has a thing for her and the fact he doesn't usually like other people's pics is a big telltale. He's crossing a line here because this is a girl he's gone out of his way to see at a club, he's clearly interested so therefore it's not innocent. He needs to delete Instagram and not go out of his way to have any contact with this woman.

category12 · 13/11/2018 22:26

Well, my reading of it is that he fancies her and he's testing the waters. Problem is, you cannot live your life policing him. If he wants to cheat, he will and trying to fence him in won't stop it. Plus you'll drive yourself bonkers.

Sethis · 13/11/2018 22:27

Deleting all social media accounts - YABU. No adult in 2018 should be forced to live without social media unless by their own choice.

Unfollowing this one girl - YANBU

Just tell him to unfollow her, or stop slavishly liking pictures of her. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable, especially since you're pregnant with his kid and already have fears about being a whale (even if you don't). That should be more than enough for him to agree and unfollow her.

If he doesn't, then that's something of a signal that he doesn't care much about his actions making you feel bad, which is NOT a quality you want in your partner.

Totorosfluffytummy · 13/11/2018 22:27

He does know why.
It is not unreasonable to tell him to stop "following" her on Instagram.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/11/2018 22:30

Instagram has an instant messaging feature, do you know if they have been using that to message each other?

a very valid question OP ?

Original poster
bubblebubbles · 13/11/2018 22:31

@Anyat

Thanks for your reply. Yea I would be happy for him just to delete the App’s - and also remove her from his followers/remove himself from following her. His account is private so I don’t know if she’s liked any of his pics - hers isn’t, so him liking her stuff is there for all to see 🙄 which makes me feel like a bit of an idiot as people can see this.

No they don’t have any mutual friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubblebubbles · 13/11/2018 22:35

I don’t know if he’s been messaging her privately - I never asked.

Also, I’m not insecure at all. I train hard in the gym, have a very good figure and am a good looking woman for my age. I just don’t understand why my partner would ask a girl he doesn’t know and who looks 10 years younger than us to follow his Instagram, then like all of her pictures.

OP posts:
OldChair · 13/11/2018 22:37

Going against the grain here I think he’s acting badly but likely testing the waters. If it was an actual thing between them he would be sneakier surely?

However I think constantly liking someone’s posts can be misconstrued as a sort of flirting I’d you’re not established friends/family etc.

I’d be nervous too op

MrsCar · 13/11/2018 22:40

The liking pictures on Instagram would bother me, but I'd forgive it if he was sorry and agreed to stop or unfollow her.

I'm more suspicious about how they met and exchanged Instagram usernames tbh. I can't imagine being able to exchange that info with someone AT WORK, in a club, not to mention the sound/loud music

gamerchick · 13/11/2018 22:40

How do you know he's doing all this?

Original poster
bubblebubbles · 13/11/2018 22:42

What I also find a bit weird is, he told me several months back he hates this club he met her in and it’s not a place he likes to go on a night out. I had no knowledge of him going there these 3 times (or more) after he told me this.

Why would he continue to go to a club he doesn’t like Hmm

OP posts:
Anyat212 · 13/11/2018 22:44

@bubblebubbles

Yeah I agree with you and PP about unfollowing her, it’s a weird scenario why they even followed each other on there anyway. By the sounds of your original comment they are literally strangers. I completely understand around the comment of everyone able to see the pics as she’s public. It’s shit and why does he think it’s acceptable!

Plain and simple - It’s weird and even more weird is that he won’t tell you why. Ironic too that when they apparently followed each other on there “he was really drunk”.. wonder what else he told her then?

Not sure how far you’ve got with this conversation to him but I’d definately tell him how this has made you feel. I too, am pregnant so I can imagine your hormones may be heightened (mine are crazy) but he shouldn’t be doing this pregnant or not. It would be interesting to see if he would unfollow her if it’s a no, I think something further unfortunately might be developing/ or has developed.

Cawfee · 13/11/2018 22:51

I wouldn’t be happy about this at all and I’d honestly go nuts. I wouldn’t be having any of it. Going to a club he’s said he doesn’t like, following her and liking her photos...nope. Disrespectful and virtual cheating. He’s shagging her in his mind and we all know it. Honestly, he’d go there if he could and the fact that he’s been to that club while you’re pregnant says he’s fishing. Not acceptable. If he hasn’t only got eyes for you, sling him out on his arse and make him feel some cold hard reality. I wouldn’t put up with that type of shit in my life. I don’t do competing. I’m all or it’s nothing. You should only accept the same

Didsomeonesaybunny · 13/11/2018 22:55

Hmm - hard to say OP. I think it’s a little disrespectful if I’m honest but as another poster said if anything were going on surely they wouldn’t be so overt and would try and conceal it?

I don’t think he should have to shut down his social media account though but maybe talk to him about how you feel disrespected by him liking every single one of her pictures and ask him to refrain from doing so.

I bet your hormones are all over the place OP, I hope this all works out and is nothing but harmless flirting

Fashionista101 · 13/11/2018 23:06

This is a tough one, I completely see where you're coming from. Given you're pregnant also, it's a bit shit and really you shouldn't have to be dealing with this.

But, I don't really think he's done anything that bad. He finds her attractive. Not ideal, but. He's not cheated and comes home to you every night. I think men get a bit like this before a baby, it's like oooooh shit I've got to be really adulty soon.

I bet I get slaughtered for this. But if I was you I would try forget about it, she's fit on Instagram, that's likely to be it.

Namechanger1404 · 13/11/2018 23:54

Wouldn’t believe a bloody word he said, and don’t let him think you believed him either!

He knows exactly what he’s doing, he’s a chancer.

I wouldn’t say ‘get rid’ as you’ve a child on the way. You only have his word for everything. I would tell him (not bloody ask him!) to delete her from Insta, then let him know you don’t believe a word he’s said.

If he thinks he’s got away with it, next time he’ll go further.

Original poster
bubblebubbles · 14/11/2018 09:49

Thanks for your replies ladies. I think the general consensus is that he should unfollow her but keep Instagram, which I am actually ok with.

BUT

Thinking back, this isn’t the first time he’s did this. Around a year and a half ago I found out he had commented on a girls Facebook picture making reference to her tits (she more or less had them on full show in the pic) what he didn’t realise was that this girl had a load of people on her friends list - some of whom were very close friends of mine, and this comment got back to me. So again, he made me look like an idiot.

Taking into account what he did previously and recently, he will be told (not asked) to delete all social media accounts to prevent this sort of shit happening again.

As I said before, I’m not even slightly insecure - I just don’t like being made look like a fool.

OP posts:
CallMeRachel · 14/11/2018 10:11

Hmm, the problem is despite you trying to control his social media it won't change the creepy person he seems to be.

What 37 yo man goes clubbing ? He's married with a baby on the way.

I think you need to do a bit of digging on him, I get the feeling there's things you don't know.

MrsCar · 14/11/2018 10:18

The blatant commenting on that woman's 'tits' is just so disrespectful to you, so humiliating and just makes him look like a sad creep.

OT but I've just been on Instagram now, and I've seen that a married male friend of ours (in his late 50s) has just liked several photos of women in bikinis etc. In his case, I presume he doesn't know that people can see what you're liking, not that that makes it ok. I just think it makes him look like a pathetic creep, and feel for his wife.

I don't know what to advise OP, especially as you're pregnant. It's not as simple as just splitting up. His behaviour and respect for you needs to change though, and if it continues, I think you'd be better off without him.
You've said yourself that you're a confident person, you don't need and shouldn't be treated like that X