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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wants to clear the air and be friends?!

28 replies

Didyeeaye · 13/11/2018 20:34

My DP and I split just under 2 weeks ago. Actually he asked for space but it was obvious as he packed that it was over.
It's been difficult but I've started piecing my life together. He just text saying he is sorry it has ended this way and would like to clear the air and hopefully be friends. Why do guys do this? It's just confusing! Part of me thinks it mat be to see my LO (not his son but he was good with him) but he hasn't had any contact in 2 weeks..

OP posts:
Original poster
Didyeeaye · 13/11/2018 20:35

Oh to clear up any confusion we didn't live together but he was at mine at the time and took ALL of his things

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 13/11/2018 20:37

No - it’s because he feels guilty and thinks this is a thing to do to feel better.
It’s about him, not you or your child.

Move on. Don’t try to drag it out, would only hurt you.

category12 · 13/11/2018 20:39

What do you actually want and need?

If it were me, I'd not want him messing with my head just as I was getting to an equilibrium. It's too soon after a break-up to attempt friendship.

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 13/11/2018 20:42

Ask him to not make it about him, and give you a few more weeks headspace.

No contact makes it much easier to think clearly for yourself, than have him running his agenda over your feelings.

Original poster
Didyeeaye · 13/11/2018 21:08

I replied saying;
I don't have any hard feelings as I know you had your reasons. I will get my stuff at some point but need time for now as it's still too raw.

OP posts:
Santaispolishinghissleigh · 13/11/2018 21:10

Please give him the opportunity to say goodbye properly to your ds.. Then move on.
Ime your dc needs the closure, then you need to leave him behind you and move on.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 13/11/2018 21:13

NC helps to a degree. He doesn't really want to be friends. Thats dick speak for a). I hope to shag you every now and then when I haven't a better offer, b). You have something he needs,c). He has OW and feels and guilty . Sorry, but a). Is most likely. He is certainly not doing this for your benefit.

LellyMcKelly · 13/11/2018 23:05

Block and move on. Seriously, it’s the best thing.

whatsthepointthen · 13/11/2018 23:17

i dont think theres any need for him to stay in contact with your son just think its confusing
imo. i would have a clean break if it was me

SandyY2K · 13/11/2018 23:24

I think not getting your stuff prolongs it. It's also a way for you to see him again.

Get your stuff from his place and don't leave a window open.

Scrumptiousbears · 13/11/2018 23:27

A few of my ex's wanted to be friends hoping for the odd shag.

selfconfesseduggaddict · 13/11/2018 23:31

Was he a major part to your sons life?

If he was, I would understand keeping a friendship of sorts

If he wasn't - there isn't any need for it and I would get your stuff, and begin moving on

Original poster
Didyeeaye · 14/11/2018 13:59

He wasn't overly close to DS and probably only seen him every other week anyway. DS stays with his dad 3 days a week and is a total daddy's boy. DP did spend time playing with him when they were together but it wasn't that often. Part of me is thinking I knew it wouldn't last and kept distance there. I still love DP and we had a lot of good times together so am scared I will see him and break down crying, begging for him to give it one more go. I need to try and get over him before I can think about getting my stuff back. It's only some clothes and a hair dryer anyway

OP posts:
Original poster
Didyeeaye · 14/11/2018 14:07

I think its the future we planned together as well that I'm struggling with. We had it all worked out, buying a house together, getting married and having another DC. We even spoke about names.

OP posts:
Original poster
Didyeeaye · 14/11/2018 14:10

I really just want a nice family for my DS. My family are awful so we rarely see them and although his Dad is very attentive, his family are also estranged.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 14/11/2018 14:24

He can post your things, don't make getting your things back an opportunity to test the waters.

Original poster
Didyeeaye · 14/11/2018 14:31

Spoke to my friend who has said if I give him my exDP key he will collect my things while he is at work and post the key through the letter box. Would this be petty do you think?

OP posts:
namechangeninetynine · 14/11/2018 14:38

I think it's not on to let someone else enter his home without his knowledge, if he agreed then fine. If that happened to me and I ever found out I would feel very violated

Could you send him the postage to post it on?

Original poster
Didyeeaye · 14/11/2018 15:10

That's a valid point. I will text him and ask what he wants to do. Even if he puts it by the door he wouldnt go right in to the house.

OP posts:
WeeWheels72 · 14/11/2018 17:24

Could he leave your stuff at his work for your to pick up?

Adora10 · 14/11/2018 17:36

You don't need to see him to get your stuff back, send a mate, anyone, or collect elsewhere.

He either has had second thoughts, doubt it though as moving out is pretty monumental, or, he's keeping you on the back burner in case the grass is not so green where he is currently.

I'd not meet up with him, after what he has done, you owe him jack shit.

HeddaGarbled · 14/11/2018 17:47

Some people, if they are not heart-broken, or once they get over their heart-break, do manage to stay friends with exes. But you know that it will be too hard for you to see him right now, so you are right to go non-contact.

He’s not necessarily as underhand as some PPs have suggested above - just not as upset about the break-up as you are, and perhaps insensitive.

WeeWheels72 · 14/11/2018 18:02

I would cut off contact too for a while, fb ect, its just to hard to be friends at the start. Let himknow you mean business then he might wise up to it all. Where you together long? Is that why he might want to stay friends?

Rachelover40 · 14/11/2018 18:05

I think you did the right thing to say it's too soon, you need some head space at the moment. Quite dignified.

headinhands · 14/11/2018 18:13

If he asked for space it means he has decided he doesn't want to be romantically attached to you. Asking to be friends is all about his guilt and he's coming to you to try and ease it. No idea how old he is but if he's past 25 then it smacks of immaturity. If he is over 25 have you noticed his immaturity before? You're better off being ruthless with red flags and binning off any potentials that are childish.

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