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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want to go to family wedding

31 replies

BWrose · 13/11/2018 17:14

Theres a wedding later on this year. It's a cousin getting married. I'm not overly close to the cousin. The invites should be out in a day now. It should have been out weeks ago if you ask me. There was a save the date thing a few months ago though.

The wedding is so close to Christmas. I don't want to go and I don't have the funds to go. I'm in Ireland and a wedding gift is usually cash of at least 75/100 euro per person. I mentioned to mothet and my brothers my views that I probably won't be able to go. My mother is now nearly pushing me in the direction of going nearly guilt tripping me saying 'do you think I want to go but I have to because I don't want to fall out with them' or something like that.

My mother would like me to go to accompany her or something even though one of my brothers will be going to the wedding. He could do the job.

I told her to go and make her own plans and leave me out from it.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 13/11/2018 17:18

Your mother decides whether she goes. She does not decide whether you go. That's up to you. Big girl pants on. When the invitation arrives, send an RSVP card declining. You need not explain why.

anniehm · 13/11/2018 17:20

If you do go with your mother, her gift can be from both of you - that's a lot of money to expect

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2018 18:13

You're an adult, it's high time you get over letting your mum guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. If she wants to go, that's her choice. Tell her you're not going and this topic is officially closed.

Time4change2018 · 13/11/2018 18:24

If you leave the door open saying you don't want to go ... you are giving your mom the opportunity to say you should. If you say 'I'm not going' she'll soon get over it.
I understand the huge family pressure especially at Irish weddings but its mostly pressure we/you put on yourself. If you're not close to your cousin they won't mind you saying no, they were probably guilt tripped to inviting as many as they did

Dirtybadger · 13/11/2018 18:52

You could go and not give 75 euro. It's not like it "looks worse" than not attending (If you're worried about how not going appears then going and giving less money is better anyway). But if you don't want to go then don't go. Assuming you're an adult it isn't much to do with your mum. And I assume you're not close to your cousin so it probably won't make a difference to your relationship long term either. If they're having quite a few guests then it's probably more for herself that your mum wants you there. I doubt the couple getting married care (no offence but you see what I mean)

Angelkd · 13/11/2018 19:19

Dont go if u dont want too just say its too close to christmas & if u cant afford it then u really cant go.im sure your cousin will understand ,i would x

Musti · 13/11/2018 20:46

Tell your mum you can't afford to go so unless she wants to fund flights, hotel, dress and gift for you, you're not going.

Kaleela · 13/11/2018 22:08

"don't want to fall out with them" speaks volumes to me. If they were really family they'd be supportive and understanding, not expect your presence and cut you off if you don't do as your told. What is people obsession with enabling toxic behaviors purely because they're related? If that's how petty they would be it's not worth putting yourself out to go. Honestly, if they demand you be there they can bloody well pay.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 13/11/2018 22:13

Don’t go, end of. Bollocks to what your mother says, you’re and adult.

MushroomMushroom · 13/11/2018 22:28

When the invite comes it will probably have a box to tick yes or no. Just tick no as pp said end of. Tbh as you are not close you are probably just invited because she feels obligated to invite you as you are distant family so I wouldn't stress about it. If you want to be really nice why not decline, say you wish you could be there and send a small wedding gift?

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 13/11/2018 22:35

Another Irish person here- I’ve been married and been to multiple other Irish weddings and I wouldn’t say the €75-100 pp is set in stone.

For our wedding, some guests stuck to that but to be honest those were our middle aged family members who were financially comfortable. Younger family and friends who were just starting in their careers, buying a house or having a baby didn’t give as much (or anything) but we didn’t care- we were just glad they came.

Similarly, when we went to a family wedding over the summer DH and I gave a gift worth about €60 as I was on maternity and that was all we could afford.

If you don’t want to go then don’t, but don’t let it be because you’re worried you can’t keep up with the Jones’ regarding a gift.

Original poster
BWrose · 14/11/2018 14:13

The invite came and it says my mother, me and two brothers invited.

I don't want to go for a few different reasons. Christmas wedding and the costs etc. There was a wedding earlier in the year, another cousin. My mother made so much fuss in the lead up to that. Getting me to help with online shopping for an outfit for her. She didn't want to go and she hummed and hawwed for weeks. In the end she rsvped as going and in the end she didn't go. She wanted to piggy back of my monetary gift.

I just want to wash my hands of this one and let her do what she wants to do and leave me out from it. I want to put a full stop to any potential mess before it even begins. Not only that, one of my brothers hardly speaks from one end of the week to the next to us at home. I don't want to be attending with him. Not only that, my mother has an attitude of pittying him because he's a lad and she will develop an attitude saying he can't afford this and it will only be a day out for them funded by muggins here.

OP posts:
loobylou10 · 14/11/2018 15:51

Everyone's said don't go - what do you want from this thread OP?

Ellisandra · 14/11/2018 15:58

Not a word about whether you actually care about this cousin and want to celebrate with them!

You’ve got a STD, you’re just bitching about the invitation, come on. (actually maybe I should type Save The Date, not saying you have herpes Grin)

The cost - go for a lower value gift.
Or share with your mum.
Maybe have a little sympathy that she can’t afford it and will get pressure from family?
Don’t engage with the online shopping stuff.
Does it matter if your brother is chatty or not?

I don’t think it’s that big a deal to go to a family wedding. Xmas doesn’t have to be really expensive “mum, bro, this wedding gift is wiping me out so, sorry - but it’ll be a chocolate orange for your Xmas present - happy to only receive socks from you.”

But you’re an adult - if you don’t want to go, decline.

But if you decline, it’s not unusual to send a gift anyway, so be prepared for your mum to still want to go halfies with you!

eggsandwich · 14/11/2018 16:02

If I was you I would get a with regret card in the post to your cousin as soon as possible and if they ask why, say a prior commitment so at least you’ve told them your not going and if your mother keeps on at you to attend just say I have already replied that I’m uable to attend.

theworldistoosmall · 14/11/2018 16:05

It's very, very simple.
Be an adult and say no.
Cousin doesn't like it? Oh well, they will get over it.
Mother doesn't like it? Oh well. That's her problem and she will get over it.
You don't have to d everything she tells you to do. THat's the wonderful thing about being an adult.

Trinity66 · 14/11/2018 16:10

Another Irish person here- I’ve been married and been to multiple other Irish weddings and I wouldn’t say the €75-100 pp is set in stone.

It is pretty standard tbf

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 14/11/2018 16:15

It is pretty standard tbf

Yeah but it’s not exactly up there will wearing a white dress in terms of bad manners is it?

No decent person would think less of a guest who gave what they could afford instead of the “standard”.

Original poster
BWrose · 14/11/2018 17:42

In going to have to stick to my guns. It's a day that I just can't afford, even if I end up giving a small money gift of about 75 euro. I did a rough estimate of costs for living expenses, Christmas, the wedding added in and I just can't afford everything. Christmas is usually very low-key with us however, there are still a few people I would have to buy for. The wedding is just can't afford.

I really think it was the height of bad manners from my cousin to send out the invites so late. There was a save the date thing a few months ago but it wasn't even direct, it was on the grapevine, heart back from a different cousin. So, we didn't even know whether we would be invited or not. Just last week, I thought, the invites should be out by now and I was relieved that an invitation never came for us. Honestly, it's like a summons to spend money that I don't have.

My mother is unbelievably pushing it now though with me, to go and accompany her, even though she will have others there - 'sure, I will give you a loan if you can't afford it'.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 14/11/2018 17:49

Is it bad manners to send an invite out late invites? It's a bit disorganised but it doesn't seem remotely rude to me. It's unreasonable if they're gonna be funny about people not being able to attend but they might not even care. If you live with your mum then you've all been invited because it's rude not to, if you're not close to the cousin I honestly doubt they mind. Just RSVP that you can't go/tell your mum to on your behalf as it's a joint invitation.

Trinity66 · 15/11/2018 10:25

I mean if you got the STD then you knew the invite was coming so it's not really rude but yeah don't go if you don't want to, it's not the end of the world, they will be expecting people not to be able to go

Adora10 · 15/11/2018 11:56

You were told months ago so had time to prepare, i would also only give what I can afford, those amounts sound ridiculous.

Personally I would go, I think it’s a bit of an honour to be included in someone’s wedding day, also think pulling out now will look like you just can’t be arsed.

It’s a personal choice though so do what you want to do.

SilverLining10 · 15/11/2018 13:15

If you dont want to go then dont. Your mother doesnt get to dictate what another adult does. Stuff her.

HereIgoagainxx · 15/11/2018 13:27

Why do you care what other people think? Is this really about the money? You have known for months do saving 75e sounds quite do-able. You could also borrow an outfit if money is tight and you don't have anything.

I think it's high time you started doing what you want instead of bowing to everyone else.

Are you afraid to go against your mother?

ForalltheSaints · 15/11/2018 20:51

Don't go but do let your cousin know soon, out of courtesy.