Upset over my families views on my Fiance

[butterfly89]

I've really struggled to open up so this is hard for me but it's come to the point where I can't take much more and I need some comfort and kind words, so I'll begin......

Im currently in a relationship we've been together for 17 months and got engaged in May this year I have an 11 yr old Daughter.
I brought my Daughter up from 6 months old and remained single for 9 years until I met my current partner (finance) I always swore I'd do right by her and put my happiness second I never wanted to bring someone into mine and my Daughter life unless I knew it would be forever. Me and my OH fell in love, he never has given me any reason to doubt his love for me and my Daughter I knew from early on he was the man I wanted to Marry and my Daughter was always open about her feeling towards it also. I finally had my family what I've always dreamed of and wanted.
Now here lies the problem MY FAMILY! From early on I've always felt they never approved they refused to let him come on a family holiday they treated me awfully while there and I refused to put myself in that situation again! That was Sept 17 ever since mine and my famines relationship was never the same, I began concentrating on my family and planning our future to which they never seemed interested. When we got engaged the response was, let's say flat not the cheer we all did for my other two sisters! I've tried to include them in the wedding planning brought my mum along to view our venues and booked our favourite a few months ago my Mum didn't exactly seem overjoyed but I tried not to let it ruin my special moment. We decided to have an engagement party as I wanted to share my happiness with family and friends. I've always bent over backwards for my family made every occasion special put effort into birthdays, engagements weddings always thinking of them. Mine comes along my sister's never helped plan or set up on the night they all barely spoke and since I've had a backlash against my OH! My OH can be hot headed but he's kind his family situation isn't perfect and he felt anxious all night and ended up having a few words with his Step Dad, and then the barmaid due to them constantly complaining about the music, my OH said it was sorted and even said he'd go back and apologise if he came across the wrong way. My Daughter got upset because I was enjoying myself and can play me off against my sister's so I look bad I wasn't prepared to argue so let her go home with one of them. The next day I spoke with my Daughter she was ok just said she doesn't like me drinking to much and got worried she's pretty sensitive and doesn't see it often. We had sorted it out and all was ok. Then last night I got a text from my Mum questioning my OH behaviour painting him in such a bad light and telling me I'm not happy nor is my Daughter. And telling me I don't need to rush and need to decide in my head if this is actually what I want, this has obviously upset me. All I've ever wanted is to find someone and be happy and I finally have and am but my family can't be for me, my friends and Dad are so supportive they know how happy I am and are by my side always. I just feel bad for my OH he's tried so hard with them never done wrong to me or my Daughter but they just treat him so bad. They've even now started to interfear with our parenting telling my Daughter she doesn't need to listen to my OH and it's not his place to tell her off! The way I see it is we're getting married and my OH should have an involvement with her up bringing i've taught her to be respectful and she understands its not 1 parent now but 2 and needs to listen to us both.
We have an 11 yr old going on 18 it's not easy, I admit I'm softer my OH isn't We can argue but it's a learning curve for us both and we work on it and it gets better, they have a good relationship all in all.

I feel I'm now in a position where I have to justify my relationship, prove we're happy and this marriage is what i want more than anything. My Daughter loves my OH she can't wait for us to get married surely that should be enough! But it's not and I just done know what to do, I want them to be in my life but how do I carry on planning the most important day of my life knowing my family dont support it!
I feel really upset and down I can't even bare to speak to any of them right now. I really don't know what to do

Honestly, you sound like you have a great man and they just don't want you to be happy. Don't loose him because of them. Distance yourself, let your friends be happy for you if your family cant. I wouldn't be going on family holidays with them if they are excluding your husband to be either . Show a united front

Cut them off... they sounds like jealous Dicks... they seemed to be happy with you as a helpless single mother... now you're planning a happy future.. they don't like it.. stuff them

“Hot headed” and “had a few words” jump out at me as red flags.

Maybe you need to listen to your families concerns?

Especially if you’ve had a good relationship with them up until now.

OP - what were he reasons they didn’t like him from the beginning?
You are only describing the party incident, but there must be more to the story?

Sometimes people around us see things we aren’t atuned to, because we are blinded by the initial rush of a relationship....

Also - OP - as a person who had a step parent sprung on me at about the same age as your daughter...after many many years of it just being me and my mom - don’t rush it....

The way you talk about it - that your daughter now ‘needs to understand that there are two parents’ and ‘needs to listen to fiancé’, and fiancée ‘being more strict than you’ - just raises all kinds of concerns for me.

He hasn’t been around long enough to earn this right of being her parent, yet. With a child that is not a baby - this right isn’t automatic - just because they got together with their mother.

I’d keep him out of parenting for a while and build a respectful relationship. YOU are the parent. He is your fiancée.

Maybe hot headed was the wrong word to use he's harmless and not a horrible person at all just he wanted things perfect on the night and felt it was being spoilt by the constant nagging about the music.

Me and my family haven't had the best relationship I've always felt the outcast never could do right and I was single because there was something wrong with me ( I got told that alot)

My OH honestly has never done anything to them he feels because he's got two kids has tattoos they judge him! He came out of a toxic relationship and its been difficult merging two families due to his ex but he's a good man tries his best for us and his kids and constantly comes out as the bad guy. Believe me I am not blind by love I survived 9 years on my own I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my Daughters Dad I'm a bloody strong person mentally. I just want them to accept him and let us bring my Daughter up together as one she's been without a father figure for so long I'd only ever bring someone into our lives who benefited us

My mum and dad are divorsed I was 13 it was an horrendous time for me. I met my mum's bf once then he moved in. The house was toxic he was awful to me and my sister's in the beginning my mum never defended us not once

I vowed to never do that to my Daughter and I never did. I know people have their own views on whether step dad's should have a say in children's upbringing but I'm marrying this man we're a family and in my eyes that's how we operate.

We parent together and my Daughter does respect that but also knows her mum will always have her back!

Your 11 year old commented on your drinking?

And your boyfriend is “hot headed” and has a problem ex... sometimes a problem ex simply that. Sometimes it says more about the man though.

Nothing you have said suggests that this man is so great - you’ve shown a few red flags.

Now, your family may be selfish and mean. But even if they are - doesn’t mean there aren’t problems with your fiancé.

He’s “got headed”, hasn’t got his previous family situation to an even keel yet, doesn’t have the same parenting style as you... I don’t think you should be holding engagement parties until at the very least the parenting styles is resolved and the blending family issues with his family are resolved.

Your family do not sound like they treat you well. Your ex didn’t. Be careful if you haven’t had good models of relationships in the past.

OP - just realise - that in a slightly different way you are doing the same to your daughter.
YOU are marrying the man.
He is NOT her family. At least, not yet. Not earned the title and respect by years of unconditional love.

And YET you insist that because you picked him - he now has the right to parent.

Exactly what your mother did to you. In her eyes - her BF was just parenting you.

I’m reluctant to defend your family as they sound selfish...
But why didn’t they want him on the family holiday?
If you’ve been together 17 month and the holiday was Sep 2017, then you’d been with him for less than 3 months.
At less than 3 months, I wouldn’t have considered it appropriate for him to be on holiday with your then 9 or 10yo. It’s very soon for introductions, let alone holidays together!

We was at our engagement party of course we had a few drinks. She'd comment if I had 1 glass I don't think I've done anything wrong here!

I've said hot headed was the wrong word he's by no means violent or aggressive.

Im not going into his situation there's alot more to it he's had involvement from solisitors over custody and been battling for over 2 years!

Everyone has their opinion on right and wrongs bottom line is he is a good man and does not deserve this backlash. He's treated me kindly loves my daughter, we're a unit and if i feel that's the right choice for me and my Daughter I do.

We constantly talk she's very open and honest with me and I always have her best Interest at heart. As does my OH! Mine and my Daughters relationship is strong she's always been stuck to my side and that has never changed.

This wasn't about whether people think it's right for my OH to have a say on my child it's about him been portrayed as being something he isn't, about my family not bring happy I've found a good man about them interfering in my life!

From your daughter's perspective, this bloke who is going to be her parent got arsey (shouting / swearing?) with both his step-dad and a barmaid whilst you were busy being drunk? That's an awful example to set tbh. And yes, I'd say the same if he were her biological dad. If you were my sister I'd be really concerned that you were about to marry a man who struggles to control his temper. Especially as it doesn't sound like the barmaid did anything wrong - the venue expecting music to be appropriate to the setting (including volume and finishing at the correct time) is completely normal.

Your family treating you badly on holiday isn't okay, nor is their disapproval of him if it is genuinely based on the fact he has kids and tattoos. But do bear in mind that even what you've written here doesn't paint him in a great light even though you are trying to convince people he isn't at fault.

We parent together and my Daughter does respect that but also knows her mum will always have her back!

This is sending mixed messages. If you truly parent together you should never need to "have her back" with her step-dad. If I were you I'd rethink the parenting plan - he is the man you love, but he is, frankly, not her dad.

There is a reason that you used the phrase “hot headed” though, Butterfly.

You didn’t mean aggressive or violent, but you meant something - and it’s not a positive thing to say. He managed to be hot headed with both his stepfather and a barmaid in one night. Only you know what you mean by hot headed, but I think you’d be wise to think about his behaviour. It’s not normal to fall out with people at parties.

What is it about him that your family have said they don’t like?

When you say he constantly ends up the bad guy - in what way?

If you were my DD I'd be worried too. Your family may have a point about his unsuitability as a husband and stepfather.

OP, you wanted objective advice and you've had it here. Don't dismiss it just because you don't agree.

Sit down with your family and talk about why they don't like him. Listen to their concerns. You will either be able to reassure them, or they will flag up things for you to think about.

I suspect you have got a bit carried away with the romantic notion of what you want a relationship/blended family to be, and that you are blinkered as to the reality which might not live up to that idealised scenario.

Talk to and listen to your family, and then take it from there. I think you might get clarity and build some bridges.

OP - you keep saying that your family is unhappy that you got a ‘good man’
Yet it’s not clear what actually makes him good - or what your family didn’t like about him before the party incident....

And you do sound more and more - fixated on him, and having him. And your daughter, and everyone else just need to fall in line.

He was not shouting or swearing never said such thing. Nor was I just sat there getting drunk that's an unfair judgement to make. Wow what away to twist my words AdalindShade he does not have a temper he spoke to his step dad as he was beginning to argue and my OH was trying to stop that! I actually got told it was his Step dad that was shouting.

My Daughter has always been my main focus always has and always will. My family have never gave me reasons why they dislike him but when we don't get invited out by them or included in family gatherings you begin to wonder why?

I came here to ask for support instead I've been told my parenting is wrong and I'm with a not so nice man. Far from the truth

OP, your family dislike him for a reason, I doubt they are just going out their way to be nasty to you, I get you want to defend him but maybe you need to listen to them as well.

It's been less than a year and a half, I would say you are rushing things tbh; your daughter was upset, your family don't like him, again, they are forming an impression of him that's not really that great. If I was you I'd flat out ask them why don't approve of him, what actually is it they are objecting to? Your mum has told you she has reservations about him, maybe she has a point.

But, going by your replies here, you won't want to hear any of this.

But support doesn’t mean blindly slagging off your family, it means raising things that we think are helpful for you to consider.

They might be wrong, we have such little information.

But no-one is trying to be unsupportive, quite the opposite.

You can’t be surprised when people are concerned when you say he is hot headed. It’s a phrase that suggests he is too quick to react, over reacts, has a temper... things like that. You wouldn’t tend to describe someone as hot headed over a single incident (or two, stepdad and barmaid).

So I’m suggesting that you have a wee think about what you meant by hot headed.

You definitely tried to take him on a family holiday quickly. They may be wrong about him, but from the outside it looks like you’re moving quite fast and putting him into a parenting role that he should not be in - not least because you don’t agree!

What you've said doesn't sound great. If your daughter liked him so much then she wouldn't have confided in your sister. This is a massive change for your daughter and you've experienced it yourself so I don't understand why you're not making triple sure that she's happy and not just telling you what you want to hear. He isn't her parent and that has to come with time.

I don’t understand how your daughter plays you off against your sisters to make you look bad?

You say she played up because you were happy, so you sent her home with your sister.

One way of interpreting her playing up at your engagement party, is that she’s actually not as happy about her new stepfather as she says she is.

At least consider that she’s saying different things to your family.

On the one hand, it sounds completely out of order for your mother to tell her that he doesn’t get to tell her off. It’s not helpful when your mother should come to you with concerns, not your daughter. And bloody hypocritical considering your mum did that to you!!

But are they faced with your daughter complaining about how harsh he is in telling her off?

That could lead to them being unhappy.

Now, she may have been playing up because she was out of the limelight, no deep issue with this man, and it’s just what kids do.

But you have to think about what your family are seeing and being told by her - and they’re seeing her unhappy at your engagement party.

I would:

• consider therapy about your family dynamics, sounds like they said some bad things to you in the past, well before this
• try to get some honest talk with your daughter about how she’s feeling
• have a think about what you really meant by hot headed
• have a think about why you’re so determined that it’s “we” when it comes to parenting (you were doing just fine handling that on your own! My second husband is fab, but he’s a second husband to me, not a second parent to my child!)
• slow down and not rush to get married to someone you’ve known less than 2 years who still hasn’t sorted out his previous relationship.

Good luck to you!

OP You sounds very similar to me in a lot of ways and my heart goes out to you because this is a horrible situation for you. I started a 16 month relationship in July 2017 he was wonderful, he wanted all the things that I wanted, I fancied the pants off of him. My brothers and sisters (I’m one of four) were never very friendly with him. I was a bit surprised but I have always been the one on their own when it comes no to my siblings, it’s always been 3 against 1 and I’ve always been the outsider. Now, as time went on my bf started to uturn on things he had said, he didn’t want kids, he wouldn’t move here, he found my life ‘stressful’ he would disappear for weekends at a time to ‘do his own things’ I never told my family because despite as annoying and rude as they can be they do love me and they would have told me exactly what an arse he was. It wasn’t until he had dumped me by text that they all felt they could speak to me about how badly they all felt he treated me, how he let me pay for everything and how he wasn’t really interested in my DS.
Now, I’m not saying your new man could Be like this, maybe you’re family are total arseholes but, really think about why you are together and if you are truly happy or you just want to be happy so you’ll try your bloody hardest regardless (that’s me) your family have no interest in seeing you miserable or hurt especially because even if they’re not that keen on you I bet they hands down love that girl of yours.
Please don’t force your Dd to accept this man as a parent after 17 months. As a primary teacher I can tell you 11 is such a hard age.
Big love to you, I’ve been there and hope you can sort a situation where you’re both happy x

Maybe this is all just going a bit too fast for your family. Even if your fiancé is wonderful, if I were your family I'd be worried that you seem to be in such a hurry. 17 months is no time at all in the grand scheme of things, and you were wanting him to come on holiday at 3 months, engaged at 11 months, now having an engagement party and planning the wedding.

With the best will in the world, you're both still in the stage of the relationship where the chemical attraction is very strong and may be making you both a bit blind to the complexities of your situation. Blended families can be hard to manage.

OP, if he's the right one for you, then why the rush? Why not have a long engagement for a couple of years and give everyone time to get used to the idea, your daughter especially, and enjoy getting to know one another better before making a lifetime commitment?

What exactly happened with his ex?

Does he see his dc and pay maintenance?

Oh, OP! There are so many little red flags in your post it's making me feel sad. It is possible that your family are all awful and being deliberately mean. That happens. But it is also possible that they see things you don't as many posters on here seem to have done. Be very careful. I accept you mis spoke when you said "hot headed". But people don't often feel the need to go back and apologise to the bar staff at their engagement parties.......