Upset over my families views on my Fiance

[butterfly89]

I've really struggled to open up so this is hard for me but it's come to the point where I can't take much more and I need some comfort and kind words, so I'll begin......

Im currently in a relationship we've been together for 17 months and got engaged in May this year I have an 11 yr old Daughter.
I brought my Daughter up from 6 months old and remained single for 9 years until I met my current partner (finance) I always swore I'd do right by her and put my happiness second I never wanted to bring someone into mine and my Daughter life unless I knew it would be forever. Me and my OH fell in love, he never has given me any reason to doubt his love for me and my Daughter I knew from early on he was the man I wanted to Marry and my Daughter was always open about her feeling towards it also. I finally had my family what I've always dreamed of and wanted.
Now here lies the problem MY FAMILY! From early on I've always felt they never approved they refused to let him come on a family holiday they treated me awfully while there and I refused to put myself in that situation again! That was Sept 17 ever since mine and my famines relationship was never the same, I began concentrating on my family and planning our future to which they never seemed interested. When we got engaged the response was, let's say flat not the cheer we all did for my other two sisters! I've tried to include them in the wedding planning brought my mum along to view our venues and booked our favourite a few months ago my Mum didn't exactly seem overjoyed but I tried not to let it ruin my special moment. We decided to have an engagement party as I wanted to share my happiness with family and friends. I've always bent over backwards for my family made every occasion special put effort into birthdays, engagements weddings always thinking of them. Mine comes along my sister's never helped plan or set up on the night they all barely spoke and since I've had a backlash against my OH! My OH can be hot headed but he's kind his family situation isn't perfect and he felt anxious all night and ended up having a few words with his Step Dad, and then the barmaid due to them constantly complaining about the music, my OH said it was sorted and even said he'd go back and apologise if he came across the wrong way. My Daughter got upset because I was enjoying myself and can play me off against my sister's so I look bad I wasn't prepared to argue so let her go home with one of them. The next day I spoke with my Daughter she was ok just said she doesn't like me drinking to much and got worried she's pretty sensitive and doesn't see it often. We had sorted it out and all was ok. Then last night I got a text from my Mum questioning my OH behaviour painting him in such a bad light and telling me I'm not happy nor is my Daughter. And telling me I don't need to rush and need to decide in my head if this is actually what I want, this has obviously upset me. All I've ever wanted is to find someone and be happy and I finally have and am but my family can't be for me, my friends and Dad are so supportive they know how happy I am and are by my side always. I just feel bad for my OH he's tried so hard with them never done wrong to me or my Daughter but they just treat him so bad. They've even now started to interfear with our parenting telling my Daughter she doesn't need to listen to my OH and it's not his place to tell her off! The way I see it is we're getting married and my OH should have an involvement with her up bringing i've taught her to be respectful and she understands its not 1 parent now but 2 and needs to listen to us both.
We have an 11 yr old going on 18 it's not easy, I admit I'm softer my OH isn't We can argue but it's a learning curve for us both and we work on it and it gets better, they have a good relationship all in all.

I feel I'm now in a position where I have to justify my relationship, prove we're happy and this marriage is what i want more than anything. My Daughter loves my OH she can't wait for us to get married surely that should be enough! But it's not and I just done know what to do, I want them to be in my life but how do I carry on planning the most important day of my life knowing my family dont support it!
I feel really upset and down I can't even bare to speak to any of them right now. I really don't know what to do

For your 11 y.o daughter to comment on your drinking is very concerning. What you're saying about this man and your relationship is raising quite a few little red flags.

And I'm concerned by what you say about this man being her parent. Because of course he isn't.

I am a stepmother and I never parented my DSD. She had parents. I was her dad's wife. I became a loved and trusted adult but that's not a parent.

When she was a teenager she once shouted at me that I wasn't her mum. I told her she was absolutely correct. She had to abide by our house rules but that's not the same as me being her mum.

I would listen hard to what your family are saying. Don't just write it off as jealousy.

Why are your family telling your daughter that he cannot tell her off? That indicates he tells her off quite a lot or at least a lot in front of them.

My spidey senses are wriggling about

OP, I was trying to see the situation from an 11yo perspective. She was upset at the party for a reason. And that reason may be because she's stuck in the middle between her extended family and her soon-to-be step-dad. Or it could be because at 11yo she won't easily see the difference between being visibly angry and being aggressive, nor the difference between tipsy and drunk (especially if she doesn't see you drink often).

I was trying to offer an alternative viewpoint - one which your daughter may be telling your family (and may be part of the reason they dislike him). I have come across people who hate their DC/siblings partners for no good reason, but IME these are few and far between. Your family may be simply nasty, but it always worth considering the other side.

Finally, I have a step-dad who I consider to be my father. But that was something I choose as an adult, not something suggested or engineered by my mother. Her and step-dad were absolutely a team, but she retained ultimate parental decision making and in doing so prevented the "but your not my dad" resentment which so easily builds in blended families.

My Daughter got upset because I was enjoying myself

To be honest, this comes across as a bit deluded. I doubt very much that your child was upset because you were enjoying yourself.

Makes me wonder what else you are seeing in a different light to how your daughter and family would describe things.

They may not be perfect but it sounds like they can see the situation clearly as aren't blinded by lust.

Far too soon for marriage when there are children involved. Not to mention too many red flags highlighted.