Can't help my feelings, feel so bad

[Cosmicunicorn321]

I have been with dp 7 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and dp has brought her up as his own. We have a mortgage together.
I have this silly crush on a man at work. He's married. Has kids. I'm not the sort to have affairs or become a home wrecker. I also don't want to betray my dp in any way.

I have thought about my relationship and why this is happening.
I hate kissing dp. He is a terrible kisser but it never bothered me. He is a wonderful, kind, loyal, generous and loving man and it didn't matter.
I don't really fancy him. He has put on 3 stone in the last year and sex is uncomfortable and he gets out of breathe and it's just not enjoyable.
None of this bothered me or so I thought.
This man at work has brought out those lustful feelings in me where I do miss kissing and passion filled sex.
I know in long term relationships things settle and it's not all romance but I miss craving sex and the heat. It's all still in me but I don't enjoy it with dp
I love him and never want to leave him but I don't know what to do. I've tried date nights and romantic nights with candles etc and I still feel the same.
He wants children and I'm putting it off because I need to give myself time to get over this nonsense. I really don't want to leave him or cheat on him and I don't know how to manage these feelings.
If someone asked me what I want for the future my honest answer is i don't know.

If you pretty much can't bare to get close to him, then why are you both together?

You've not given one hint that you are happy in this relationship, and you both should be

It's really good you're being honest with yourself.
Would you consider relationship counselling.Initially just for you.
You know that your current partner is the right man for you but you need support excepting that some things won't be as you wished.
Also can you teach / explain to him how to kiss. What feels good in bed etc. Chat to him about what you like. Maybe there are things he may like you to do differently too.

It's funny how people's OH become unbearable to live with, when there's someone else on the horizon.

Honestly OP, I wonder how much of this would bother you if you didn't fancy someone else.

It's classic script.

He is a wonderful, kind, loyal, generous and loving man and it didn't matter.

But it clearly does matter. I don't know how you're going to handle this but if I was totally turned off by my partner I'd see it as a big deal.

I'm a widow now but I wanted to hug and kiss my DH when he was a human skeleton and unable to make love any more. That's what true love is like. Being fat or emaciated, getting old - these things don't matter.

Thank God you don't have children with your DP. For goodness sake don't have any. Of course you shouldn't betray him but it sounds as if perhaps you need to split up with him.

Look at it from his perspective. He may not know how you feel about him but doesn't he deserve to be in a relationship where his DP finds him sexy as hell? Because while you're around he isn't open to a new woman who will love him the way he (and all of us) hope for.

It sounds as if you've fallen out of love with your dh. Luckily before kids. May be best to have a trial separation or split before anything happens with anyone else.

It's funny how people's OH become unbearable to live with, when there's someone else on the horizon.

Honestly OP, I wonder how much of this would bother you if you didn't fancy someone else.

It's classic script.

Yep, was just thinking the same thing

I am happy and i do love him. It's just intimacy that's the problem in my relationship. He can't help the way he kisses. His mouth covers mine and I end up soaking. Ive tried to change it up but we end up at square one again.
Yes I'm attracted to the other man but hes not available and neither am I so it's just a fantasy I won't act on. I accept this.
I think this man has just stirred up feelings I've buried. Yes I like intimacy but i thought i didn't because i have buried these things away and accepted that yes dp isn't a good kisser and we don't have a raunchy sex life but that's fine cause he's amazing in every other way.
We do have sex but i don't always enjoy it it upsets me now.
I feel shallow and selfish and I wish I didn't feel like this.

I don’t think it’s shallow or selfish.

But please get counselling and explore why you buried an important part of yourself when you committed to your OH. Is it a knee jerk reaction to your ds’s Dad?

Once you have worked though that, work out whether to un-commit to him. Or re-commit to him. Obviously do not get pregnant right now.

I think because all the men I've been with in the past have been attractive but utter dickheads.
I have a good good man and I love him. He's a good dad but somehow I need to try and fancy him more than I do or I will end up with nothing.

3 stone in the last year? Comfort eating because he's unhappy too? Just have a brutally honest conversation with him, the sit down type and tell him exactly how you feel. Presumably you kissed him ok back when you were dating which wasn't a problem? Maybe you two have forgotten how to do it?

Never really kissed in our whole relationship just a peck on the lips. It's been like that from word go.
He is very happy. I think that's the issue he doesn't really care. He enjoys his food and beer. He's comfortable. He's not an emotional eater.
The eating i would say is lack of time with working. Grab and go type. No time for physical activity.

I have to say I know where you’re coming from. My DH is lovely and a great dad, but I look at him hunched over his phone and slurping food into his face and I’m just like...ugh. The way he breathes and even walks winds me up.

Google how important kissing is then practice, practice practice! You connect when you kiss.

Oh dear. You are in a very dangerous position op. You have a good man there but you sound rather disgruntled to say the least.
You know what, not liking the way your oh kisses you is a biggy.
Take some time to really think about this, please don’t go get yourself into a silly situation.
If you really don’t want to be with him, sort it carefully.

I think you need to weigh up what exactly happiness means to you and take it from there. Don't just take the easy route and stay if you are really unhappy.
Good luck

It's possible, I think, for your partner to learn to kiss, and for him to lose the weight. You could help him for the sake of his health.

www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/confessions/advice/a3007/sexy-kissing-techniques-0408/

Maybe one factor in kissing is it is often good at the start of the relationship, before any sex. When you are new to someone and all you can do is kiss, (I just remember getting off with lads when I was young and there was no sex on the table, or anywhere else, just kissing!)

However, you don't know the qualities of this other man. If he were to leave his wife and kids for you, and break up his home and help you break up your home, what kind of man would he be?

Ugh!! What a turn off

OP if you don't fancy him anymore be honest to yourself. There's no other way towards eventual happiness even if you never find it, you didn't settle for second best.

As a husband who once let himself go and put on weight and got a bit lazy i would recomend talking to him, its not an easy conversation to have but in the long run you both will be happier.

I worked hard to get back into shape, even used to train with my wife a few times ( i reccomend that to all couples, a hard workout together gets you both smiling at each other ), it will also boost his confidence and self esteem especially if you take notice of it.

Don't throw away what you have, talk to him, be honest and work together.

Op you say your in love and happy but would you be in love and happy if this continues for another 5years. To some security is more important than sex and people can happily forgo it. Would you put yourself in this camp? If not your not getting what you want out of the relationship

Unsure81 great post.

I just don't know. I'm so miserable about the whole situation.
I'm going to make a point of avoiding the attractive guy, really get this out of my system and get over it before I make any decisions.
I can't see myself chucking everything I have away just so I can have someone hunky to have sex with.
It's just not fair on anyone this.
Thing is I know that even if this man said to me tomorrow I like you and want to be with you it would never ever work. He is married. He has kids. A house. It would never work anyway.
I hate myself for this.

It is funny how suddenly you dont find him attractive now youve got someone else in your sights - isn't it?

Imagine if a man (your partner) wrote this -

*I have been with dp 7 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and dp has brought her up as his own. We have a mortgage together.
I have this silly crush on a woman at work. She's married. Has kids. I'm not the sort to have affairs or become a home wrecker. I also don't want to betray my dp in any way.

I have thought about my relationship and why this is happening.
I hate kissing dp. She is a terrible kisser but it never bothered me. She is a wonderful, kind, loyal, generous and loving woman and it didn't matter.
I don't really fancy her. She has put on 3 stone in the last year and sex is uncomfortable and she gets out of breathe and it's just not enjoyable.
None of this bothered me or so I thought.
This woman at work has brought out those lustful feelings in me where I do miss kissing and passion filled sex.
I know in long term relationships things settle and it's not all romance but I miss craving sex and the heat. It's all still in me but I don't enjoy it with dp
I love her and never want to leave her but I don't know what to do. I've tried date nights and romantic nights with candles etc and I still feel the same.
She wants children and I'm putting it off because I need to give myself time to get over this nonsense. I really don't want to leave her or cheat on her and I don't know how to manage these feelings.
If someone asked me what I want for the future my honest answer is i don't know.*

How would you feel if your partner wrote that OP? I think fundamentally you need to forget this crush and work on your marriage - do you even want to save it??

I'm not married.
Yes I do need to forget this crush. But all the things I've outlined are true and I don't know if I have this crush because these things are bothering me.
My plan is to avoid this man and start trying to fizzle it out and focus on my relationship. I just don't know if you can make someone fancy you though.

I was in a similar position with my husband. We had a big blow up when he raised the lack of sex in our marriage (less than 5 times a year). In that conversation:

• he said a marriage without sex is not a marriage
• I told him he was turning into a landwhale and needed to run his arse around the block as sex wasn't going to happen if I was repulsed by him
• he said his passion/lust for me was driven by love, not my weight and that was unfair and
• I told him he was such a landwhale I'd been having thoughts about other men.

Long story short, he literally started running, going to the gym and got into terrific shape. He was always a great kisser, so no issues there, but once the sex started up again I took the plunge and finally taught him how to eat me out from behind properly.

OP, talk to him. Tell him to lose the weight. If he does, then talk to him about his kissing. If he takes it to heart, and things improve, you'll have a great husband, a great sex life and intact family.

All the best.

If it is just the weight gain and the kissing these are easy to rectify just by communicating with each other.

But i think its more than this...... i think you have a big crush on the other guy and are looking for an excuse to validate doing something stupid that would wreck two relationships and familes.

Think long and hard about this, if by chance you do end up having an affair and getting with this guy, all you have is two broken families and two people together who will never have a strong relationship because both will have proved to be disloyal and there will be a lack of trust, and trust is the foundation of a strong relationship, affairs rarely bring happiness to anyone in the long run, just regret and broken familes.