How do you/did you move on?

[understoodwood]

(NC'd)

Months after a breakup, I am still stuck. He has moved on, I am still easily upset over stupid things like Facebook memories popping up, or the songs we always used to silly duet along to, or key dates coming round, or finding yet another item of his tucked in a drawer or cupboard. Even the fact I'm going to wake up this Christmas morning alone, when for the past x years he'd insisted on giving me a stocking "from Santa".

I can't see how I'll be able to do certain activities/visit certain places/experience certain things without being reminded of him. Let alone actually ever trust someone else again. I feel like I have failed at one of the most fundamental things in life - being loveable.

I see people jump on and out of relationships all the time, and I just don't get how they can risk their.... (I don't even know what else word to call it).... "safety" like that? I am mid-40s now, I thought we were forever, I was happily planning to grow old with him, and I genuinely believed he was the same, till one sunny day he came home and ended it. Along with some reasons that have absolutely cut me to the bone (long story short, I really am a pretty foul person - I had my doubts, he confirmed them).

It's all really really shit. I have talked to my counsellor about how I can feel myself pulling the shutters down because that's the only safe/trustworthy option, as the one person I trusted with my deepest fears, confirmed they were true. I don't really have any close friends or family either. It's just me, introverted, homebird, no spare cash and not much spare time, me.

How long were you together for?
long story short, I really am a pretty foul person - I had my doubts, he confirmed them
This is bollox by the way.
He had an OW and didn't want to seem like the bad guy so blamed it all on you.
Do NOT take that crap!
If you were so bad, why did he stay with you?
Please don't listen to his bullshit.

For now, I think you need some counselling.
I think he's done a real number on you.

Along with some reasons that have absolutely cut me to the bone (long story short, I really am a pretty foul person - I had my doubts, he confirmed them).

This sounds like something a person with really low self esteem would say rather than someone who was "a pretty foul person"

Try to volunteer, do something for someone else, and in making their lives better you will probably find a measure of solace.

Travel will help you cut the ties to old habits and memories. I realise money is tight, but is there anywhere you can fly to for Christmas/New Year? How can you change things up in your life? See friends more often, join an evening class, get a dog...the new habits and people will help over-write the old. Take some risks and I'd suggest cutting social media out of your life for 6 months at least.
Also, he said those things to put the blame on you - when he already had someone lined up. Part of the script. You sound lovely!

There definitely was no OW, I know for sure. He fell out of love with me mainly for some reasons to do with how I am (and I know I can be exceptionally difficult), and managed to cover it till he could cover it no more. Then I guess the lid came off and couldn't go back on.

This sounds like something a person with really low self esteem would say
Yes, that's me. Various teeny-tiny events through life all multiplied to remove pretty much all self belief, although I have equally mastered a brilliant act to hide that from 99% of people.

And I already do volunteer and enjoy it. Unfortunately my job prevents me doing more of it, but I do what I can.

As per my OP, I am having counselling. It has massively helped me understand some things about myself and understand why I am the way I am, but it hasn't yet been able to crack the issue of changing it. Work in progress. Like today, when a small event has dragged me back under, just as I was starting to surface.

But my bigger question is how did you all get past this and allow yourselves to do it again? I honestly can't see any way that I would allow myself to be put at risk of feeling like this again. What did you trust in to put yourselves on the line?

Why do you think you’re a foul person

I have animals to care for which mean I can't travel (nor get more!)

I don't really have any friends, I have always been quite a loner since young (part of the weird me thing again!). The one friend I do have moved quite far away and all I see now is her out with her "bestie".

Yes I'm sure part of what he said was to refocus blame on me and make it easier to leave, but he only said what I already felt - it was more affirmation than confirmation!

And again, there was no OW. On that I am 100% sure, despite the usual storyline, so please don't shift it onto a "her" being in the wings - this was all down to me and him.

Hi OP.

This is exactly how I feel, I need to move on as well. I’ve done all the self help things I can think of including some I found online but there’s still a huge gaping hole where my marriage used to be. I haven’t even started trying to date yet and it’s been two years.
I hope someone else has some answers for you. In the meantime take care of yourself

Okay, so we need to refocus this on YOU. He’s gone, fuck him, what do you want to happen in your life? You say you don’t like yourself, is there something’s there you can work on (like self esteem?) I was dumped over summer and I’m not over him at all, but I am trying to move my thoughts physically on when he pops in my head. Literally forcing myself to sing a happy song, or get up and physically keep moving to distract myself.

I’m working on myself a) because I’m the beginning I wanted him to come back and be impressed, but b) because I am what I have left. He’s gone, so the energy I was putting into my ex, and I’m trying to put into me. I’m exercising, decorating the house and have started a business. I don’t suggest all those things, but what can you do to make you feel better about you?

Love, he’s gone. I know how shit that it (trust me, I’m living it) but you have to live with yourself forever, you may as well make yourself and your surroundings as lovely as possible

Ahh ignore typos, I’m on phone!

I bear grudges like nobody's business, I am hyper-hyper sensitive to any (perceived) criticism of anything I do or say, I find it incredibly difficult to let things go and will beat myself up for days, I hold myself to Olympic standards of achievement for anything and when I fail, I treat myself like shit for it. That sort of thing...

It's horrendous for anyone to deal with that level of loathing day in day out. Until I met him I just lived with it, didn't really occur to me, just "was". But his kindness and compassion and ability to (literally) hold me tight and tell me he loved me and that things would be ok, made me see I wanted to change and not be so horrible to myself. Just achieve it in time (ironically).

And I don't say all that in a red-flaggy control type of way . I just saw an opportunity, a reason, to be a better person. It was just a LOT harder to change than I had ever thought possible and I really struggle/d with myself. Bit like giving up a 60 a day smoking habit I suppose.

I could have written your post. I ended things this morning after years of stress and broken promises. It hurts so much. I don’t know where to start with moving on..

I’m working on myself a) because I’m the beginning I wanted him to come back and be impressed, but b) because I am what I have left.
I relate to that. I also think I am hugely physically unattractive as well (life issues a while back took their toll). So I am working on it, but there are permanent reminders of how unappealing (actually, disgusting) I find myself. I hide those issues by being good at my job and having a nice home etc - real "Tracks Of My Tears" stuff.

Love, he’s gone
Yes he has. But left behind a minefield of UXBs for me to randomly stumble over and explode in my face without warning. I am angry and upset and sad and bewildered and scared and everything all at once.

PeterPrunus
redwineandcrisps
darkhorse2016

I haven’t even started trying to date yet

Ugh, even the concept of dating fills me with horror, sheer horror.
Putting myself out there for someone to judge me and decide if I am worth their time or interest. (I just wrote and deleted several comments about the impact of rejection and my fragile esteem, but I can't make it say what I want it to say)

I just want to be x months ago and happy again. Ignorantly happy, yes, but maybe I'd magically have some extra sight so I could see things going of the rails in time. This is just entirely shitty shittiness on a gigantic shit scale.

Don't be hard on yourself, be compasionate towards yourself and take as long as you need to.

I was guilty of feeling that I should be getting over my ex sooner but my therapist told me that everyone goes through the grief cycle in their own time.

What is helping me is full no-contact and that includes not going on Facebook, moving photos to somewhere that they aren't easily accessible, deleting their number and almost trying to imagine they are gone from your life.

Also journaling your thoughts and writing about the sadness, anger and any other thoughts you might have.

I would try and think of this positively. This man came into your life and showed you that you didn’t want to live the way you had been, that there was more to your life than all the self loathing, and that you wanted to deal with it all.
He made you see that, but being with someone who isn’t basically ready to be in the kind of relationship he wanted is very draining. But that bit is not your fault, you do see that don’t you.
You can say it’s cause and effect, but it’s much more complex than that.
When you are ready in your next relationship, you might realise that you learnt a heck of a lot being with him and losing him.
And as long as you realise he didn’t leave because you of who you are deep down, much more likely that it just wasn’t being able to cope with you destroying yourself, and in turn taking it out on others?

It’s very hard to be with someone who is self destructive, and sometimes we have to say I can’t do this anymore.

But you can learn from this and gain insight from this. And that’s a positive.
Ugh sorry that was a bit rambly and probably doesn’t make much sense.

I appreciate the kind words of advice, thanks.

Holding your post was very thought provoking, in a way I hadn't considered before, although your comment:

"He made you see that, but being with someone who isn’t basically ready to be in the kind of relationship he wanted is very draining. But that bit is not your fault, you do see that don’t you."

No I can't see that. Well I can, but I can't stop blaming myself for the failure of turning someone who loved me and spoke of future marriage and a life together, into someone who preferred to leave with nothing as a better life.

Because "And as long as you realise he didn’t leave because you of who you are deep down" feels like exactly the reason.

Rich "Don't be hard on yourself, be compasionate towards yourself and take as long as you need to."

I am maybe doing the "compare myself to stupidly high standards" thing, but its been months. I feel like anyone "normal" would be well over him and back on the horse and possibly even in a new relationship. But I am stuck here feeling like dogshit and hating myself for what did to a relationship I thought was forever. And the idea of trusting anyone else is unthinkable.

I am the same @understoodwood

I even started therapy because I felt it was taking me so long to get over my ex. I had a breakthrough yesterday and realise I have an ‘anxious attachment style’ which is why it takes me so long to get over someone. I was in a relationship with someone who had a ‘avoidant attachment’ which makes for the most toxic combination. Have a google on attachment types and anxious-avoidant relationships. You might find it quite enlightening and help explain a lot of the reason you are feeling the way you are.

If you were 5 years in and still feeling like this I would be worried! But really everyone is different, it’s taken me on average 2 years to feel “normal” whatever that is after a serious breakup

For me, split was 5 months ago, the hardest part was accepting my life was not going to be what I thought it was. Growing old together, etc.

We naturalky tend to believe the change is a negative, but I accept that it doesn't have to be. I'm out dating again, meeting lovely people. My future is bright.

Lots of people will be single at Christmas. You are part of a big club.

Why not volunteer? Do something to help others. That always makes me feel better.

I will say that pining on what was and what has now gone really can be a killer after a breakup. You must tackle and change that mindset.

Take care xxx

Dear Understoodwood you have all my sympathy. I'm going through a breakup at the moment. Even if I chose to end things for good reasons it still hurts, of course. I watched the following video which really helped me. Maybe it could help you too?

rich Wow! I had not heard of attachment styles until now, and reading about "anxious attachment" is like looking at a text mirror! Through my counselling, I had already learned about how some of my upbringing has developed me the way I am, but this really crystallised it. Thank you for sharing that information

Holding If you were 5 years in and still feeling like this I would be worried! But really everyone is different, it’s taken me on average 2 years to feel “normal” whatever that is after a serious breakup
I have no other relationships to use as a reference. I wonder what normal is, as you say....!

HereIgo Lots of people will be single at Christmas. You are part of a big club.
I am having no part of it. I am hibernating away from the world because I know this Christmas will be nothing more than an endurance to get over with.

As said earlier, I already do volunteer (have done since I was with my ex). I know you meant it kindly (thank you) but it does seem to be spouted as some universal panacea, when really sometimes all it does is make the gulf between feeling good and feeling shit even bigger. And actually a sort of (un!)happy medium would be easier to live through than huge peaks and troughs.

You - at 5 months on and dating - are one of the people I am slightly agog at. How you have moved on and feel so bright and positive is alien to me. Don't get me wrong, most days I just bumble along, I don't sit round weeping all day> But in the quiet hours of night, or when (like today) a letter arrives for him; or it's a key date on the calendar, I wobble and any progress seems to get undone.

I have accepted my ex was not right for me. I had him on a bit of a pedestal. BUT I took him down, I looked at the parts of his personality that I did not particularly like. I focused on these. I actually wrote them down and kept the list on my coffee table.

In the past, breakups were very painful. And yet after all of them, I managed to find someone else, to love again. I knew this time would be no different. I will move on again (hence username)

I think the key was acceptance though. That he did not want be with me. And if that's how he felt, I did not want him either.