How do you/did you move on?

[understoodwood]

(NC'd)

Months after a breakup, I am still stuck. He has moved on, I am still easily upset over stupid things like Facebook memories popping up, or the songs we always used to silly duet along to, or key dates coming round, or finding yet another item of his tucked in a drawer or cupboard. Even the fact I'm going to wake up this Christmas morning alone, when for the past x years he'd insisted on giving me a stocking "from Santa".

I can't see how I'll be able to do certain activities/visit certain places/experience certain things without being reminded of him. Let alone actually ever trust someone else again. I feel like I have failed at one of the most fundamental things in life - being loveable.

I see people jump on and out of relationships all the time, and I just don't get how they can risk their.... (I don't even know what else word to call it).... "safety" like that? I am mid-40s now, I thought we were forever, I was happily planning to grow old with him, and I genuinely believed he was the same, till one sunny day he came home and ended it. Along with some reasons that have absolutely cut me to the bone (long story short, I really am a pretty foul person - I had my doubts, he confirmed them).

It's all really really shit. I have talked to my counsellor about how I can feel myself pulling the shutters down because that's the only safe/trustworthy option, as the one person I trusted with my deepest fears, confirmed they were true. I don't really have any close friends or family either. It's just me, introverted, homebird, no spare cash and not much spare time, me.

Thank you for that link getting, I know of Dr Winch already but had not seen that. I watched it with tears running down my face as I recognised one thing after another - the idealisation, the fix, the voids.

I am just not sure how to summon up the "fight" I need to deal with it.

I think the key was acceptance though. That he did not want be with me. And if that's how he felt, I did not want him either.

I think the problem for me, is that the combination of the anxious attachment personality + the rejection (out of the blue) + my self esteem issues, have all made this into a huge mutation. It's not just one thing, it's one thing multiplied with another, and then added on another.

It's ironic, but in life, I happily accept that not everyone will like me, and I don't mind - after all, I don't like everyone I meet! And some days I get angry with my ex and hate him for having this effect on me. And then others I crumple like I have been punched in the gut and it's all I can do to breathe, let alone move on.

So accepting he didn't want me is one thing, on one day. But on other days, it's everything.

Many thanks to everyone who has taken the time to comment on this thread

I've been listening to louise hay stuff and it's helping. Sorry you are going through this. I know exactly what you mean about the feelings though. The thought of dating fills me with dread. Would rather meet someone organically but still not ready.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kjry36bImaA

I WAS anxious as well. It makes breakups very difficult. I actually wrote my thesis on breakups and attachment style (told you I had it bad).

I would consider myself secure now, actually very much so.

I really do empathise with you. I remember thinking I would never be happy again after previous breakups. But I am very happy now. This is the first time I've had a breakup and muddled through and come out the other side relatively unscathed. We were together nearly 5 years.

Change your thinking of him. Mine was often unrealistic and idolised and I imagine yours is as well xx

@HereIgoagainxx How do you go about changing your attachment style? Obviously I think this is going to be a big part of my therapy so would be good to get a head start. I think being aware of it has been a big help and finding out about it has almost made me feel like a weight has been lifted. After 4 months I feel like I can finally move on.

I actually didn't set out the change it. Until I did my research on attachment styles I thought I was stuck with mine for life, but it isn't necessarily so. Attachment styles us not set in stone.

Counselling played a huge role. Looking back over my childhood, understanding why I had issues with abandonment was really crucial.

I use to really dislike the clingy person I could be in relationships and the bereft person I was after a breakup. I didn't want to be wired that way and it greatly knocked my confidence. Understanding why helped me with my self esteem, which is very important as well.

Also, managing life experiences played a role. Through positive life experiences (managing redundancy during recession, being able to hold onto my home, in my case) helped.
But it can also go the other way. Difficult life experiences can change a person from secure to anxious (death of a loved one, divorce, traumatic experience).

I have to run but honestly could talk about this all day. Get to know yourself, why you react the way you do, and have compassion for that person (most people with anxious attachment had difficulty in childhood).

I am not who I once was and am very happy about that.

Thanks so much @HereIgoagainxx

I'm actually looking forward to my therapy sessions now and working on these issues I have - some of your life experiences match mine by the sounds of it.

I know what you mean about being able to talk about this kind of thing all day too :)